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Old 02-20-2016, 09:27 AM
 
15,847 posts, read 18,636,889 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bonnie Jean McGee View Post
I tend to agree.


at 21, 15 year olds were nothing but annoying. This is OFF.
Mom was back, yesterday just minutes before you posted this.
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Old 02-20-2016, 09:28 AM
 
Location: Nashville, TN
1,894 posts, read 1,096,217 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
Too risky. This is her young teen daughter, not an experiment.
What's risky and experimental about volunteer work and being a positive role model?

I also added that the OP should consult a lawyer before getting police involved to minimize the impact on her daughter.
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Old 02-20-2016, 09:57 AM
 
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Maybe the 21-y-o is a miserable hungry-for-friends person, largely because of the things OP has already described, and has to look down the stairstep.

Or... grooming. It's possible.
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Old 02-20-2016, 10:14 AM
 
15,847 posts, read 18,636,889 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by numberfive View Post
What's risky and experimental about volunteer work and being a positive role model?

I also added that the OP should consult a lawyer before getting police involved to minimize the impact on her daughter.
I was being as tactful as possible. But, since you asked I'll spell it out for you. Your suggestions simply don't fit the urgency of OP's situation.

Recognize her daughter is a 14 year old victim...you don't counsel the predator...you rescue the victim.

Your telling the Mom to continue, to allow this 21 yr old drinking, drugging, stripper to be a criminal influence, and possibly worse... the opportunity to continue to prey upon her 14 year old daughter is ludicrous. imo

Last edited by JanND; 02-20-2016 at 10:24 AM..
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Old 02-20-2016, 11:01 AM
 
Location: Nashville, TN
1,894 posts, read 1,096,217 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
I was being as tactful as possible. But, since you asked I'll spell it out for you. Your suggestions simply don't fit the urgency of OP's situation.

Recognize her daughter is a 14 year old victim...you don't counsel the predator...you rescue the victim.

Your telling the Mom to continue, to allow this 21 yr old drinking, drugging, stripper to be a criminal influence, and possibly worse... the opportunity to continue to prey upon her 14 year old daughter is ludicrous. imo
Let me be as tactful as possible in my reply: I never suggested the 21 year old's negative influence should be encouraged.
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Old 02-20-2016, 11:09 AM
 
15,847 posts, read 18,636,889 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by numberfive View Post
This is a tough one! Everyone has different suggestions, I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here.

If it was my daughter in this situation though, here's how I'd look at it:
Moving should be a last resort -- I wouldn't want to show A) you can run from your problems, and B) the bond might be strong enough now that the 21 year old will just drive to visit.
Don't forbid your daughter from seeing her friend -- forbidding the daughter to hang out with the 21 year old is a great way to keep the taboo and mystery alive, that'll only push your daughter TO the bad influence faster. It'll also breed her resentment to you, because she clearly doesn't see why this behavior is wrong yet.
Don't get the police involved. It would be too easy for your daughter to get roped in. Depending on the state, she could get a criminal record too. It'd be harder to apply for jobs, colleges, etc.


Instead...
Try volunteer work (even together if possible) -- your daughter just sees the fun and mystery of today, not the consequences of tomorrow. If she can interact with people who are trying to put their lives back together after going down that path, it might inspire her more. Plus it looks good on college applications, because it builds character. Maybe she could invite her friend too?
Continue to be a positive role model -- it's not your fault as a parent that she's exploring the dark side, but it is your responsibility to continue showing her the light. Your success wasn't forged through drug use and underage drinking.

I'm mulling over other options, since there are bound to be others... hope this helps!
I answered your question ...Here is your post.
I will not continue responding to you, as it does nothing to add to this mother's very serious situation. We just have different opinions.

I pray this Mom gets adequate help in a timely manner for her vulnerable 14 year old daughter.
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Old 02-20-2016, 11:17 AM
 
9,064 posts, read 6,781,824 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
I was being as tactful as possible. But, since you asked I'll spell it out for you. Your suggestions simply don't fit the urgency of OP's situation.

Recognize her daughter is a 14 year old victim...you don't counsel the predator...you rescue the victim.

Your telling the Mom to continue, to allow this 21 yr old drinking, drugging, stripper to be a criminal influence, and possibly worse... the opportunity to continue to prey upon her 14 year old daughter is ludicrous. imo
Yes, a teenage daughter who's resentful is worth way more to me than a teenage daughter who's dead, heroin addicted, or missing.

Perhaps the OP can arrange a visit to the morgue, so the daughter can see the real life consequences of ODing or being beaten to death while hooking.
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Old 02-20-2016, 11:21 AM
 
Location: Nashville, TN
1,894 posts, read 1,096,217 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
I answered your question ...Here is your post.
I will not continue responding to you, as it does nothing to add to this mother's very serious situation. We just have different opinions.

I pray this Mom gets adequate help in a timely manner for her vulnerable 14 year old daughter.
We're in agreement, I just think you misread my post.

No worries, back to your regularly scheduled programming.
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Old 02-20-2016, 11:21 AM
 
6,461 posts, read 6,164,979 times
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I don't understand the people who object to moving. I had several friends who moved to get them out of situations they couldn't handle as teens. It was very effective in removing a clear and immediate danger.

I would...

1. Move far enough to make it hard for the two to see each other. This woman will not jump through hoops to get to the girl if she is grooming her for prostitution. There are easier targets close by. You want to get away before the daughter gets any older. (The living situation seems sketchy as hell. Find a better place.)

2. keep closer tabs on the daughter and try to get her interested in something else. Divert her interest. Establish and encourage age appropriate friendships.

3. Go to the cops if it continues.
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Old 02-20-2016, 11:35 AM
 
Location: Nashville, TN
1,894 posts, read 1,096,217 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
Yes, a teenage daughter who's resentful is worth way more to me than a teenage daughter who's dead, heroin addicted, or missing.

Perhaps the OP can arrange a visit to the morgue, so the daughter can see the real life consequences of ODing or being beaten to death while hooking.
My brother started down the drugs path around the OP's daughter's age. 17, to be exact. He started with pot, my parents objecting to him hanging out with his bad neighbor friend only encouraged him more. He moved away from the "bad influence" at 18, didn't change his rebellious nature. He just found new friends with bad influences.

He's in an urn on my parent's mantle now. OD, June of 2014.

This is why I don't think moving or forbidding their interaction is the answer.

Drug addictions are a very complex issue, and there isn't one magic answer. Getting professionals involved is probably the smart move, and something I think our family should have done.
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