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So... Long story short, our family of 5 resides in a 2 bedroom apartment. Me, my GF and our 3 kids. I have a 6 year old girl and an 8 year old girl, and she has a 4 year old girl
My girls currently share a large bedroom with private bath because I had picked this place years ago so it would be perfect for their needs. My GF and her daughter moved in about 1.5 years ago and her daughter has slept in our room, she was sleeping in her moms bed with her up until we met.
Its not ideal but we have made it work. now the time has come to upgrade and we found a 3 bedroom place. Instinctually, since my girls have shared a room since i divorced their mom almost 6 years ago, i had no doubts they would continue and my GF's daughter would get her own room.
My GF has other ideas. She wants my youngest and her daughter to share a room, while my oldest gets her own room. She says partly because she is the oldest, but also because she is worried her daughter will have a difficult time transitioning to a room alone.
Im having a hard time with this idea for several reasons:
1. The schedules arent exactly the same. There are some nights her daughter is here and not mine, and vice versa. Where as my kids are always at my house at the same time, as a pair.
2. Sleep schedules are way different. Her daughter goes to bed about 30 minutes to an hour earlier, and wakes up several hours earlier in the AM. This has two problems, shes not exactly quiet so if she wakes up at 530 as normal she likes to wake up whoever is with her. I dont really want her waking my daughter up that early on a school day when normally she gets to sleep till 645-7am. This also stinks on the weekends when i get the rare moment of sleeping in a bit. My kids dont usually wake on their own till 730-8am on weekends. I really dont want to have to get up at 530 on sundays because my youngest got woken up and wont go back to bed.
3. From the moment we are all home its community/family time 100%, we always do sit down family dinners, watch tv together, play, and read bedtime stories together. However when its bedtime, she goes and lays / talks to her daughter to say goodnight and get in that little bit of quality time. I do the same with mine, and enjoy having that, every night i possibly can. I feel this would be greatly diminished if i had to sneak into the room quietly and whisp out of their without waking her daughter who would in theory already be asleep.
My GF suggested asking the girls what they want, and we will most likely and take into their feelings. At the end of the day however obv we are the adults and will decide what we think is best
Ask the girls what they want. I think it was nice of your gf to think of your oldest needing her own room, and the two younger ones to be together. It would foster that relationship as well.
1) Seems kinda irrelevant.
2) Sleep schedules can be changed.
3) Sold. Having your kids share a room will make it easier for you to get a bit of quality time with your daughters together, which is important, given your situation. However, be aware that with this arrangement, GF will likely be sleeping in her daughter's room for a while after this change. Don't expect to see her in the evenings for several months at least, if not more, and make plans to arrange for a different time for intimacy needs. Given you already share a room with her daughter you may already have those arrangements in place
Ask your wife if she would consider doing it your way for now, and possibly trying her way in a few years when the youngest has started school and the eldest is starting puberty.
Ask the girls what they want. I think it was nice of your gf to think of your oldest needing her own room, and the two younger ones to be together. It would foster that relationship as well.
I think that was nice of her as well.
That said, even if that kind of change is something one of them wants, I have serious reservations about the difficulties it raises.
I have no doubts in my mind her daughter would want to partner up with one of mine. Im doubting that my oldest will want to move to another room by herself though. even though she is 8 she is very close with her sister and they share a lot. I think it could be hard for her to see someone else have that bond and not her. They have their moments where they fight and bicker, like all kids, but so many nights i can hear them in the room talking, laughing, being silly, etc.
It would just be a huge change for several of us, and its hard to see that many pros over cons, unless of course my oldest DID want to move into her own room which would weigh heavily
1) Seems kinda irrelevant.
2) Sleep schedules can be changed.
3) Sold. Having your kids share a room will make it easier for you to get a bit of quality time with your daughters together, which is important, given your situation. However, be aware that with this arrangement, GF will likely be sleeping in her daughter's room for a while after this change. Don't expect to see her in the evenings for several months at least, if not more, and make plans to arrange for a different time for intimacy needs. Given you already share a room with her daughter you may already have those arrangements in place
Ask your wife if she would consider doing it your way for now, and possibly trying her way in a few years when the youngest has started school and the eldest is starting puberty.
thank you
you are right, #1 doesnt make much difference i guess
as for #2, sleep schedules like this are hard to change. When with her dad half the time, my GF's daughter is woken up at 5am every day of the week to make his commute to work. I think thats why she has developed this schedule. Not sure how confident i am she can somehow develop 2 sleep schedules! lol
as for #3, thank you for the input. That was definitely the one factor weighing the most on me.
I understand about her needing to lay with her for a while to adjust, but we have no issues with intimacy. Making time or places for that to happen, like you said, weve been doing it for the last 1.5 years on the nights they are home with us!
That said, even if that kind of change is something one of them wants, I have serious reservations about the difficulties it raises.
I have no doubts in my mind her daughter would want to partner up with one of mine. Im doubting that my oldest will want to move to another room by herself though. even though she is 8 she is very close with her sister and they share a lot. I think it could be hard for her to see someone else have that bond and not her. They have their moments where they fight and bicker, like all kids, but so many nights i can hear them in the room talking, laughing, being silly, etc.
It would just be a huge change for several of us, and its hard to see that many pros over cons, unless of course my oldest DID want to move into her own room which would weigh heavily
Is one of the rooms big enough for three twin beds? Perhaps they could all sleep in there together until the oldest is ready for the move.
And it would be nice if your gf could have some intimate time with your girls as well.
I like your reasoning the best. IMHO it is good to respect that each of you are going to want some alone time with your own kids. And you are right about the sleeping schedules. That will likely change when someone changes schools (like middle school). You can always revisit their needs as they age.
I would NOT ask the girls. If an argument starts, you will regret it. Better to make a decision and just tell them what will happen.
When they are older they might come to you with a reasonable alternative, but IMHO they are too young to weigh all the factors.
Is one of the rooms big enough for three twin beds? Perhaps they could all sleep in there together until the oldest is ready for the move.
And it would be nice if your gf could have some intimate time with your girls as well.
I knew several families where two or three or even four siblings slept in one bedroom and used the other bedroom as a playroom, study room or closet (depending on the age of the kids).
Is this a shacking up arrangement or moving forward as a family? Ask the girls what they want and take it from there. If it is moving forward as one family then treat it as so.
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