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Old 03-04-2016, 11:05 PM
 
12,913 posts, read 19,787,452 times
Reputation: 33915

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
So, they are all emotionally healthy, self-sustaining adults?
Yes, so? They weren't at 17.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WeHa View Post
Looking out for someone isn't just about giving them a roof and meals. It's about doing what is best for that person. It is possible that continuing to house his minor brother who for whatever reason he is unable to help, despite trying, is not best for the minor brother.
And, you may very well be right. The alternative? Tossing him out?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
When she gets out of prison, what will she do for a place to live? A job? How will she actual take care of him? The damage has already ben done and is getting worse every day.

The husband has obligations to his wife! She's not something to cast aside. The living arrangements were supposed to only to be for a few months. Now it's 2 years later and there's at least another year to go.

This isn't about the OP's son. This is his brother. Totally different. He's NOT the parent.
Either the wife married the OP knowing the situation, or was part of the conversation when it happened. The time to make alternate plans was two years ago, when this kid might have had a chance in the foster care system.

All this is moot anyway, the OP has never come back.
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Old 03-05-2016, 04:15 AM
 
5,190 posts, read 3,784,673 times
Reputation: 13140
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Yes, so? They weren't at 17.



And, you may very well be right. The alternative? Tossing him out?



Either the wife married the OP knowing the situation, or was part of the conversation when it happened. The time to make alternate plans was two years ago, when this kid might have had a chance in the foster care system.


All this is moot anyway, the OP has never come back.
That doesn't begin to describe the situation.

She may have agreed that it only last two months - not two years.

They made an agreement that both sides agreed to the terms. The OP made an agreement to honor and cherish his wife. Real men keep their word?

The wife is an actual person with feelings, too. I honestly do not understand people in this thread treating her as if she didn't matter. She gave up two years of her life for the OP's brother. When is enough, enough?

I thought that kids were best raised in a two parent home? Isn't that what I read all the time? So the wife leaves... yeah that'll make the OP less resentful and eager to raise the kid.
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Old 03-05-2016, 07:50 AM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,276,519 times
Reputation: 8481
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Yes, so? They weren't at 17.



And, you may very well be right. The alternative? Tossing him out?



Either the wife married the OP knowing the situation, or was part of the conversation when it happened. The time to make alternate plans was two years ago, when this kid might have had a chance in the foster care system.

All this is moot anyway, the OP has never come back.
Maybe one of your sons can volunteer to take the kid in.
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Old 03-05-2016, 10:55 AM
 
12,913 posts, read 19,787,452 times
Reputation: 33915
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
Maybe one of your sons can volunteer to take the kid in.
Snappy comeback. One of my sons has been sharing his studio apartment for almost a year, free of charge, with a homeless college friend he took in when that friend's parents decided college graduation came with a mandatory eviction. The arrangement is good until the friend leaves for a Peace Corp assignment this summer.

Compassion, it's a wonderful thing. I hope the OP has enough to make it through. Since the OP has lost interest here, so have I.
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Old 03-05-2016, 02:15 PM
 
Location: Myrtle Creek, Oregon
11,043 posts, read 11,455,634 times
Reputation: 17204
Quote:
Originally Posted by tottsieanna View Post
I agree. That might be the best thing to do for a young man. The Marines will get him in line.
The Marines won't take him. You need a high school diploma with a B average, plus be physically fit. Summer is coming. Maybe they could get him into a job corps camp.

I think foster care or a group home would be best for the kid. He has no motive to change right now. Life is pretty cushy mooching off of his brother.
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Old 03-05-2016, 02:19 PM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,492,743 times
Reputation: 23714
maybe americorps
AmeriCorps | Corporation for National and Community Service

How is living in a dining room in a tiny apartment cushy? People have some seriously warped ideas on what a comfortable life looks like. Poor kid.
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Old 03-05-2016, 02:52 PM
 
Location: left of center
100 posts, read 42,583 times
Reputation: 313
Our daughter had to live with us during the financial crisis of 2009-2012. We insisted she get some kind of volunteer position, just to get her out of the house and to gain skills/references. The school might be a resource to find volunteer positions for your brother.... also there are plenty of one-time events and activities that he could participate in. BTW, you and your wife are doing great...it is not easy to be a teenager and it is definitely not easy to live with a teenager! But it doesn't last forever.....
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Old 03-05-2016, 03:10 PM
 
2,621 posts, read 2,025,004 times
Reputation: 4761
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Snappy comeback. One of my sons has been sharing his studio apartment for almost a year, free of charge, with a homeless college friend he took in when that friend's parents decided college graduation came with a mandatory eviction. The arrangement is good until the friend leaves for a Peace Corp assignment this summer.

Compassion, it's a wonderful thing. I hope the OP has enough to make it through. Since the OP has lost interest here, so have I.
People have no problem helping those that help themselves. That is not the situation the OP is in. If a person does not want to help themselves, there is nothing you can do for them except let them go through enough pain until they either submit to their situation and decide to get better or end up in prison or die.

That is the reality when it comes to people who aren't willing to improve their life situation.
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Old 03-05-2016, 06:00 PM
 
33,034 posts, read 12,497,258 times
Reputation: 20934
OP and wife need marriage counseling ASAP. They've been dealing with this for two years. They need to sit down with a neutral person and talk things out. Clear the air. Make a plan together.

Many community mental health center have sliding scale fees. Ask around. It is absolutely essential that OP and wife do this as soon as possible.

The kid is family. Father's gone. Mom's in prison. She will have her own struggles when she gets out and is unlikely to be able to be in any position to take care of him for some time.

The brother is not on drugs or drinking, always a plus. He's skipping school, not tidying up and I bet he's surly as well. I've raised a few teens myself. Par for the course.

He's bored with school. So what does he like? OP is his only male role model. Have some fun. Go shoot some hoops. Go to a baseball game.

Maybe he and OP can start volunteering at the local Boys & Girls Club or ??? But find something the two of you can do that's productive and out of the house so your wife gets a break at least once a week.

Then ask your relatives if someone will take him at least one night a week so you can have some alone time. Say your counselor recommended it. Maybe he can connect with another adult male in the family.

You are making a huge difference in your brother's life. Don't you ever forget it.

Hang in there. Make some memories.

Good luck.
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Old 03-05-2016, 06:32 PM
 
1,040 posts, read 542,232 times
Reputation: 1609
Default Advise on a complicated living situation

If you can, hug him. Just that. Be patient and see what happens.
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