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Old 03-05-2016, 07:40 PM
 
25,828 posts, read 49,712,454 times
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My best friend and his wife all of 22 with a baby on the way took in his nephew age 15...

It did not go well... the problem was total disregard for house rules like smoking or smoking weed... going out and staying out.

In the end it was a noble experiment that lasted the summer and then it was back to Kansas for the lad from the Bay Area.

His mother thought if her son could just leave his bad friends behind everything would change... father was nowhere in the picture.

I've rented to families that moved to other cities to get away from bad influences... things is they are the bad influence...
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Old 03-05-2016, 07:47 PM
 
33,041 posts, read 12,506,296 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LiaLia View Post
If you can, hug him. Just that. Be patient and see what happens.
Wish I could rep that post a hundred times.

When kids are the most unloveable, it is exactly when they need the most love.
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Old 03-06-2016, 04:25 AM
 
33,041 posts, read 12,506,296 times
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I woke up thinking about OP and wife and how noble and loving they've been to take in his brother to raise when they are barely adults themselves.

Are there any grandparents in the picture, from either side, who you two can go to for advice and nurturing? Often times we forget how much wisdom and guidance the older generation can offer if we just ask.

Also thinking that if the brother is at that time in his life when he need to be looking at careers. Are there relatives who would be willing to talk with him about the pros and cons of their careers? Who would be willing set up "informational interviews" with friends, acquaintances in careers he might be interested in?

If he's failing, college might be out of the question, but maybe not. Visit some college campuses, particularly their career centers. Often they offer free interest inventories, aptitude tests, career counseling to prospective students.

Perhaps the future of being dumped back with a mother getting out of prison seems pretty bleak. Support him in creating a different story for his life.

Keeping good thought.
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Old 03-06-2016, 05:47 AM
 
5,190 posts, read 3,786,217 times
Reputation: 13140
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matthews120 View Post
Hello,

I am looking for advise on my living situation with my wife and little brother. 2 years ago my wife and i let my 15 yo brother moving in with us in our 1 bedroom apartment. this was because our mother was having some legal and financial issues. and lost her house. (father is out of the picture). the conditions of him staying with us were that he attend school, pass his classes(not asking for A's just to pass), keep his room(the dinning room) clean. and vacuum once a week... this situation was only suppose to be temporary while our mom got back on her feet. but that never happened, mom went to prison for 2 years for some white color thing, and little brother got stuck with us.

now to the problem. 3 months in we realized that this wasn't going to work out. the entire summer he did nothing but sit in front his computer. then when school started his grades went straight to failing(well the classes that actually required work). his room has never been clean, and he has vacuumed maybe 10 times out of the 100 weeks. he ditches school when he can (there has been 19 days of school this trimester and he has missed 5). We've taken away all his stuff piece by piece, first computer, then play station/TV then ipad and phone.and when ever we are out for the day he will go in our room and take it back for the day. which forced us to buy locks for the bedroom door. In the past we used to give him rides to and from school everyday(2 blocks away). and now we don't do that for him and he hates us for it.

End result is that he is a very lazy kid with no drive that feels highly entitled and does nothing but take and take. me being the brother i can put up with it, im his brother, its kinda expected. however my wife has had enough, she's talking about moving out and/or staying at friends houses here and there just to avoid him. she insists that it feels like he's takes away her home and personal space.

He's 17, we are not his parents, we are not his guardians, his mother is in prison and father is unknown. we have tried all surrounding family and no one will take him. We tried to open a case with social services and they said they wouldn't do anything because "the mother set up a home for him"

So what our my options? any advise? should i just kick him out to live on the street? i would send him too boot camp but we aren't exactly rolling in money living in our 1 bedroom apt.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould View Post
I woke up thinking about OP and wife and how noble and loving they've been to take in his brother to raise when they are barely adults themselves.

Are there any grandparents in the picture, from either side, who you two can go to for advice and nurturing? Often times we forget how much wisdom and guidance the older generation can offer if we just ask.

Also thinking that if the brother is at that time in his life when he need to be looking at careers. Are there relatives who would be willing to talk with him about the pros and cons of their careers? Who would be willing set up "informational interviews" with friends, acquaintances in careers he might be interested in?

If he's failing, college might be out of the question, but maybe not. Visit some college campuses, particularly their career centers. Often they offer free interest inventories, aptitude tests, career counseling to prospective students.

Perhaps the future of being dumped back with a mother getting out of prison seems pretty bleak. Support him in creating a different story for his life.

Keeping good thought.
GotHere,

You are romanticizing this.

First, I saw nowhere in the OP where the OP and wife are barely kids themselves. There is no indication of the OP's age. I quoted the post so that you could re-read it.

Second, the OP says that no other family members will take his brother - which should tell you something.

The little brother isn't even going to school - and you want someone to set up interviews for him?

The OP has been supporting his brother for two years. The brother will not meet him halfway.

If the little brother were a 30 year old man, people would tell the OP to give up. He's 17 - it's too late to change him now unless he wants to.
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Old 03-06-2016, 06:58 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,483 posts, read 15,923,785 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty View Post
GotHere,

You are romanticizing this.

First, I saw nowhere in the OP where the OP and wife are barely kids themselves. There is no indication of the OP's age. I quoted the post so that you could re-read it.

Second, the OP says that no other family members will take his brother - which should tell you something.

The little brother isn't even going to school - and you want someone to set up interviews for him?

The OP has been supporting his brother for two years. The brother will not meet him halfway.

If the little brother were a 30 year old man, people would tell the OP to give up. He's 17 - it's too late to change him now unless he wants to.

Good points.


While it is true that it did not say the ages of the OP & his spouse, the first post stressed living in a one-bedroom apartment and their money problems (and they did not have children of their own). Reading between the lines, it seemed pretty clear, to me, that this was a young, fairly newly married couple who were struggling financially.

I was picturing them being just a few years older than the brother. The stress on their marriage must be enormous. Frankly, I am surprised that the wife hasn't walked out already.

There is a huge difference between a mature person, well established in their career (so there is enough money to support an extra person), married for a number of years with plenty of space in their home, taking in a younger sibling in need and young newlyweds doing that. Remember that they agreed to do this for "a few months" and now it has been two years and will be at least another year and possible longer.

The mom will be getting out of prison in a year. Many readers are just assuming that she will be able to be responsible for her 18 year old son at that time. That may or may not be the case. In fact, she may be needing a place to stay , and financial help, until she can get back on her feet again and may look to her employed son for help. Perhaps, she will be able to sleep in the bathroom or kitchen of the one bedroom apartment.

What a dilemma.

Last edited by germaine2626; 03-06-2016 at 07:12 AM..
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Old 03-06-2016, 07:04 AM
 
33,041 posts, read 12,506,296 times
Reputation: 20936
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty View Post
GotHere,

You are romanticizing this.

First, I saw nowhere in the OP where the OP and wife are barely kids themselves. There is no indication of the OP's age. I quoted the post so that you could re-read it.

Second, the OP says that no other family members will take his brother - which should tell you something.

The little brother isn't even going to school - and you want someone to set up interviews for him?

The OP has been supporting his brother for two years. The brother will not meet him halfway.

If the little brother were a 30 year old man, people would tell the OP to give up. He's 17 - it's too late to change him now unless he wants to.

But he's not 30. He's 17.

Teens are not known for meeting the adults ihalfway. Even the ones who have been raised by two parents can be a handful.

Father has been out of the picture for some time. Mother sounds like an unsuccessful con artist. The kid has no one but the OP and his wife and they are their wits end.

The kid is not a thief, a liar, a drug dealer or, apparently, even a drug user. He skips school and doesn't do his share of the housework.

And for this people are urging the OP to "drop him off at the nearest fire station."

Sweet Jesus.

The brother is going to school, just not all the time. Perhaps he doesn't see the point of it all. It happens. Perhaps helping him see where this is all leading will get him back on track.

That other family members will not take in the young man is not all that all that surprising. There are a lot of selfish, self-centered people in this world.

But perhaps they could be persuaded to take him one night a week so the OP and his wife could have some time alone.

They are helping him build the foundation for the rest of his life. I think this is a noble undertaking and I, for one, wish them well.
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Old 03-06-2016, 04:41 PM
 
2,621 posts, read 2,026,313 times
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Keep enabling him and after you lose your marriage the first thing out of your brothers mouth is going to be it was your choice to take me in and he will be right.

You need to set up a plan to get him to being independent. He either follows the plan or has to go. It is his choice. Explain the realities of his situation, let him know you are willing to help him get to where he needs to be, but if he chooses not to do it it is his choice and his alone to suffer the consequences. His future is his and his alone.

You need very strict deadlines and stick to it. You falter and lose all respect as being someone who does what they say etc......


It is either that or you get to take care of him for the next 10 years.
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Old 03-07-2016, 03:43 AM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,495,844 times
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Enabling? He is still a kid. You can't enable a kid by taking care of them. I wish people would learn more about kids from hard places before giving advice like throw him out, "my way or the highway", etc. There is things they can do to help the situation, throwing him out isn't one. I mean...if he was endangering them...sure. But he sounds depressed and lost, not demonic.
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Old 03-07-2016, 06:25 AM
 
2,621 posts, read 2,026,313 times
Reputation: 4761
He is not going to be a kid for much longer.

You can not sacrifice your life for him when he refuses to grow up. There has to be a limit. It has been over two years already.

Keep doing that and the op is going to find himself broke, divorced, depressed, angry, unhappy etc.... all while his brother is still just spending all day using him.

When your own life is being destroyed the situation has to change.

If his brother refuses to change regardless of all the help being given to him, the only other choice, besides forcing the situation, is to just keep taking care of him and suffer.

Last edited by High Altitude; 03-07-2016 at 06:54 AM..
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Old 03-07-2016, 06:35 AM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,495,844 times
Reputation: 23714
Quote:
Originally Posted by High Altitude View Post
He is not going to be a kid for much longer.

You can not sacrifice your life for him when he refuses to grow up. There has to be a limit. It has been over two years already.

Do that and the op is going to find himself broke, divorced, depressed, angry, unhappy etc.... all while his brother is still just spending all day using him.

When your own life is being destroyed the situation has to change.
But it isn't black and white. There are plenty of things they can do to make the situation much better besides kicking the child to the curb. He is going to be a child for a lot longer, because he has childhood trauma. Just because someone ages out doesn't mean they are adults. Its a legal definition, not a psychological one.

Anyways, the OP seems long gone. I hope they got some help for actually dealing with the boy and their marriage.
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