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Old 03-03-2016, 01:54 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,284,555 times
Reputation: 8481

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Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
What magical place do you live that DFS has some place better for him to go? He will be sent to a group home, most likely, which is more like juvy then a home. He won't get all these magical services or special counseling. I don't know where people live that these things even exist. He will be a number in a long list of kids they are trying to age out of the system.

Military doesn't take delinquents.
They can't afford boarding school
They can't afford a behavioral boarding school (and it doesn't sound like he needs one)
They can't find other family to take him

So what...they kick him out on the streets?
From above. The best advice on the thread and the kids only chance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
You need to get him into social services system, and fast. Unless you have guardianship papers, he is a child without a guardian. He needs to be taken by the state NOW, before he ages out. He will get Medicaid, foster care, counseling, and will qualify for transitional help even past 18. Wait til he is 18 and he gets nothing from the state, plus you have to evict him. Call DSS now and tell them they have to take him.
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Old 03-03-2016, 02:36 PM
 
5,190 posts, read 3,793,398 times
Reputation: 13140
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
What magical place do you live that DFS has some place better for him to go? He will be sent to a group home, most likely, which is more like juvy then a home. He won't get all these magical services or special counseling. I don't know where people live that these things even exist. He will be a number in a long list of kids they are trying to age out of the system.

Military doesn't take delinquents.
They can't afford boarding school
They can't afford a behavioral boarding school (and it doesn't sound like he needs one)
They can't find other family to take him

So what...they kick him out on the streets?
He is breaking into their room to take his things. Soon he will be breaking into rooms to take their things. He does not respect the house rules.
What else can they do?

Last edited by mochamajesty; 03-03-2016 at 03:16 PM..
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Old 03-03-2016, 03:11 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,284,555 times
Reputation: 8481
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty View Post
He is breaking into their room to take his things. Soon he will be breaking into rooms to tale their things. He does not respect the house rules.
What else can they do?
The enablers think they should continue to jump through hoops and ruin their own lives to save a dysfunctional kid. This will not work anyway but they do not realize this. These are the same people who have their own kids out of control by the time they are teenagers
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Old 03-03-2016, 03:49 PM
 
619 posts, read 325,028 times
Reputation: 1633
OP - this is a sad story. nobody is at fault, nobody is being selfish.

Your brother has had a terrible life. he is only 17 and he has nothing. it's not your fault, but he doesn't even have a room to call his own. he is alienating the only people who are being good to him - which is normal for someone in his situation.

You're living in a one bedroom apartment with thre people - that's tough. Even if your brother was the neatest most mature teen in the world, this would be hard on everyone.

I agree with the suggestions to go back to social services - get yourselves squared away as his guardians. get family therapy. get a plan in place. make sure he knows that you are there for him.
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Old 03-03-2016, 03:50 PM
 
12,932 posts, read 19,831,249 times
Reputation: 33994
No, we think a man fulfills his promises. In this case, the man is the boy's brother, and the man agreed to house that brother until his mother got out of prison. He isn't stealing from them, he's taking his own stuff back when they leave for the day. Is it a great situation? Of course not. But it is an understandable one. The boy has nobody else, and at this point, it appears nobody at all who gives a crap about him. So, why should he care?

Think people. This is a blood brother, who needs much, much more than to feel he is alone in the world. He is a kid who has been dealt a lousy hand. He needs help. His brother and SIL may resent him right now, and that's understandable. But he is worth saving, and ten years down the road, hopefully he will come back and thank them for their efforts.
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Old 03-03-2016, 04:07 PM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,509,210 times
Reputation: 23714
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
No, we think a man fulfills his promises. In this case, the man is the boy's brother, and the man agreed to house that brother until his mother got out of prison. He isn't stealing from them, he's taking his own stuff back when they leave for the day. Is it a great situation? Of course not. But it is an understandable one. The boy has nobody else, and at this point, it appears nobody at all who gives a crap about him. So, why should he care?

Think people. This is a blood brother, who needs much, much more than to feel he is alone in the world. He is a kid who has been dealt a lousy hand. He needs help. His brother and SIL may resent him right now, and that's understandable. But he is worth saving, and ten years down the road, hopefully he will come back and thank them for their efforts.
What she said.

And family services doesn't have a whole pocket full of help for people in this situation. It isn't like their bank accounts are busting at the seams and they are thinking..."hummm what extra kid can we help today? Shucks, we have helped all our state wards already...lets go get some new ones.". It varies, of course. But I have never seen a social service (like DFS, CPS, Etc) be able to offer help. If they turn him over, they will first be abandoning their brother. Which could have repercussions for them if they had agreed to keep him. Second, he won't go into fairy tale land. Heck, even if he did get a great foster home (cause there are soo many looking to take in defiant 17 year old boys ) he is unlikely to benefit because he has again been abandoned and he will be grieving that loss which is compounded.

At best, there might be help from a program or two who deals with children whose parents are locked up. The health department might have some counseling available. But...you get your money's worth most of the time (its free). And if he can see a doctor, he could be evaluated for depression, where medication might help, if he is willing.

So he is breaking into the room to get his things. Punitive reactions to perceived misbehavior on the part of a traumatized child does not work. It does not work. Repeat after me. It does not work. I gave a book suggestion for what actually will help them. The OP can contact me via DM if they want more resources. Traditional "parenting" methods will not work in these situations.

It isn't hopeless. A lot can be done in the time frame they have if they switch their methods completely. Move from punitive parenting to connected parenting. Its actually not as hard as it seems. They can find more peace in their household in a matter of weeks if they are willing.
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Old 03-03-2016, 04:19 PM
 
5,190 posts, read 3,793,398 times
Reputation: 13140
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
No, we think a man fulfills his promises. In this case, the man is the boy's brother, and the man agreed to house that brother until his mother got out of prison. He isn't stealing from them, he's taking his own stuff back when they leave for the day. Is it a great situation? Of course not. But it is an understandable one. The boy has nobody else, and at this point, it appears nobody at all who gives a crap about him. So, why should he care?

Think people. This is a blood brother, who needs much, much more than to feel he is alone in the world. He is a kid who has been dealt a lousy hand. He needs help. His brother and SIL may resent him right now, and that's understandable. But he is worth saving, and ten years down the road, hopefully he will come back and thank them for their efforts.
The agreement is not one sided. The kid brother agreed to things, too. He hasn't kept his end if the bargain. A real man keeps his word? Ok what better rime for the kid to learn.

Breaking into the room for whatever reason is not ok. And the OP did show he cared when he allowed the kid brother to live with him. I mean, really?
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Old 03-03-2016, 04:22 PM
 
12,932 posts, read 19,831,249 times
Reputation: 33994
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty View Post
The agreement is not one sided. The kid brother agreed to things, too. He hasn't kept his end if the bargain. A real man keeps his word? Ok what better rime for the kid to learn.

Breaking into the room for whatever reason is not ok. And the OP did show he cared when he allowed the kid brother to live with him. I mean, really?
The real man is an adult, and presumably was willing to undertake that responsibility. If he wasn't, he should have declined from the get-go. He has a year to go. He can do it.
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Old 03-03-2016, 04:31 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,284,555 times
Reputation: 8481
Lots of codependent enabler's with no sense of boundaries here.

Real men set firm limits, boundaries and consequences and enforce those. Enablers let other people ruin their lives.
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Old 03-03-2016, 04:39 PM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,509,210 times
Reputation: 23714
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
Lots of codependent enabler's with no sense of boundaries here.

Real men set firm limits, boundaries and consequences and enforce those. Enablers let other people ruin their lives.
Actually real men understand who is a child and who is an adult and adjust accordingly. Real men admit their way isn't working, but understand that other methods may work. Real men open themselves up to other options. Real men have empathy for a hurt child.
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