U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-04-2016, 06:36 AM
 
Location: Camberville
11,408 posts, read 16,055,544 times
Reputation: 18124

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
He will not be equipped to support himself the day he turns 18. If they don't get him help through DSS now, it will soon be too late. If he went into DSS custody now, he will get help! He will get medical care, psychiatric care, structure and discipline, and can qualify for supportive transitional housing to help him until he is 21. The state may pay for college or technical school for him. There are many, many benefits that he can qualify for. If he continues where he is, the OP's marriage will likely dissolve, and the kid has a very dim future - likely OP will have to wind up legally evicting brother, and brother will wind up at best in a homeless shelter, at worst on the streets or dead. Get help from DSS now!
Unfortunately, the picture you paint is a whole lot rosier than the reality. I volunteer with kids in the foster care system approaching the time to age out. I have never see any services like what you describe. Most of these kids are living in abject fear because they know they will have nothing when they age out - and the only help they receive is from volunteer "big sisters" like me who, after a few hours of training, are really only qualified to listen.

What you suggest is what DSS *should* offer if it was adequately funded and staffed. It's not.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-04-2016, 06:37 AM
 
Location: Camberville
11,408 posts, read 16,055,544 times
Reputation: 18124
Quote:
Originally Posted by double6's View Post
drive him down to a homeless area and just sit there for about a half hour and let him watch. then tell him that's where he's headed sooner rather than later. his choice. then take him to a hospital and walk through a cancer ward or burn unit. tell him how lucky he is to have his health and the ability to make good choices about life. it's never too late to do the next right thing.
I'm a young adult cancer survivor and I would rather go through cancer again than be in this boy's situation. No question.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-04-2016, 06:41 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,907 posts, read 35,087,307 times
Reputation: 42377
This is an extremely tough situation, no question. I would never forgive my husband for genuinely expecting me to abandon my underage sister or brother. That's about all I can add to the conversation.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-04-2016, 12:14 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,299,134 times
Reputation: 8481
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
If he goes into state care, God only knows what is going to happen. He could end up in a group home for boys which is more like juvy then a home. He is a kid...a kid who has had a very hard life it sounds like. OP I suggest you look into connected parenting like this book You’re Ruining My Life! - Connected Parenting

...I raised a niece as a foster kid for a couple years. It was hell...and we had space to spread out....


What you are trying hasn't worked. So you need to try something different just to make everyone's life peaceful for as long as possible.
Did you use these principles in raising your niece?

I looked into this book and it is basically good, authoritative (as compared to authoritarian or permissive) parenting/teaching/mentoring with an extra emphasis on the loving, empathetic connection connection aspect. There are still limits and consequences with this approach. If the OP and his wife are more authoritarian or permissive, then looking into a more authoritative approach like this might benefit them and the brother.

Here is a link to an interview with the author, Jennifer Kolari (scroll down to the October 1 interview, "You’re Ruining my Life:Surviving the Teenage Years with Connected Parenting"

Replay: Wendy Hart and Jennifer Kolari | GreatParentingShow.com

She gives a very good synopsis of her ideas, as well as lots of practical advice on how to put them into practice. If the OP and his wife are still checking this thread, it might be worth a listen for them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-04-2016, 01:21 PM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,537,447 times
Reputation: 23714
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
Did you use these principles in raising your niece?

I looked into this book and it is basically good, authoritative (as compared to authoritarian or permissive) parenting/teaching/mentoring with an extra emphasis on the loving, empathetic connection connection aspect. There are still limits and consequences with this approach. If the OP and his wife are more authoritarian or permissive, then looking into a more authoritative approach like this might benefit them and the brother.

Here is a link to an interview with the author, Jennifer Kolari (scroll down to the October 1 interview, "You’re Ruining my Life:Surviving the Teenage Years with Connected Parenting"

Replay: Wendy Hart and Jennifer Kolari | GreatParentingShow.com

She gives a very good synopsis of her ideas, as well as lots of practical advice on how to put them into practice. If the OP and his wife are still checking this thread, it might be worth a listen for them.
Not entirely. Sadly, we were given advice that was more authoritarian from the therapist we consulted. We did try some connected type parenting, but our niece is severely mentally ill which really adds a lot to the situation. Since then, we have learned about connected parenting, and raised our teen boys in a more connected way. We are working on connected parenting with our little ones.

Connected parenting is good stuff...and not just for adopted and foster kids (or otherwise traumatized kids). It doesn't make you a push over at all. It just accepts the child, you meet them where they are. One of the most freeing thing about it to me is getting rid of the "should"s and "shouldn't"s in parenting.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-04-2016, 01:32 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,299,134 times
Reputation: 8481
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
One of the most freeing thing about it to me is getting rid of the "should"s and "shouldn't"s in parenting.
Can you elaborate more on this part?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-04-2016, 01:42 PM
 
Location: Athol, Idaho
2,182 posts, read 1,064,152 times
Reputation: 3184
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
They are not his parents. They are a young married couple not equipped to deal with a kid with these kinds of emotional issues. Keeping him with them is doing no one any favors, including the younger brother.
Yes, why should they sacrifice their marriage for a young man that is not their child and does nothing but hurt them in return?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-04-2016, 01:50 PM
 
Location: Athol, Idaho
2,182 posts, read 1,064,152 times
Reputation: 3184
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
The enablers think they should continue to jump through hoops and ruin their own lives to save a dysfunctional kid. This will not work anyway but they do not realize this. These are the same people who have their own kids out of control by the time they are teenagers
The people advising this also don't have to do it themselves and I bet most never have been asked to and never would when faced with it because they value their home, marriage and family too much. And if ever they did they, they would then get rid of someone that compromised their life this way and treated their kindness this way. Yes people, you should look at this as though it were you with this brother. What would you do?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-04-2016, 01:52 PM
 
Location: Athol, Idaho
2,182 posts, read 1,064,152 times
Reputation: 3184
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
No, we think a man fulfills his promises. In this case, the man is the boy's brother, and the man agreed to house that brother until his mother got out of prison. He isn't stealing from them, he's taking his own stuff back when they leave for the day. Is it a great situation? Of course not. But it is an understandable one. The boy has nobody else, and at this point, it appears nobody at all who gives a crap about him. So, why should he care?

Think people. This is a blood brother, who needs much, much more than to feel he is alone in the world. He is a kid who has been dealt a lousy hand. He needs help. His brother and SIL may resent him right now, and that's understandable. But he is worth saving, and ten years down the road, hopefully he will come back and thank them for their efforts.
He agreed under certain conditions that his brother refused to honor.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-04-2016, 01:57 PM
 
Location: Athol, Idaho
2,182 posts, read 1,064,152 times
Reputation: 3184
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
This is an extremely tough situation, no question. I would never forgive my husband for genuinely expecting me to abandon my underage sister or brother. That's about all I can add to the conversation.
They didn't abandon him. Just how much harm should this kid be allowed to inflict?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top