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A real man (And a real woman) recognizes when he is over his head in a situation. You can't save someone else when they are drowning and pulling you under while you are trying to save them.
Good for both of them for realizing they are in over their heads.
By the way, no parenting approach works without boundaries and consequences.
For the people who are saying that the kid deserves a chance and needs to continue to live there, since they have very little in terms of living arrangements, maybe you can volunteer an extra room for this poor kid and you can support him and guide him in a better way
A real man (And a real woman) recognizes when he is over his head in a situation. You can't save someone else when they are drowning and pulling you under while you are trying to save them.
Good for both of them for realizing they are in over their heads.
By the way, no parenting approach works without boundaries and consequences.
Everybody is in over their heads here, including the 17 yr old, and all the posters on this thread. But to claim the kid is pulling anybody down except himself is pure hyperbole. In a year, the OP and his wife can go about their life. Currently they are inconvenienced, and it seems, resentful, but there won't be any long-term effects for them. On the other hand, they are in the best position to make sure this boy doesn't wind up a statistic. And if the OP does turn him out, he will have to live with the consequences for far longer than the boy will live with them.
Everybody is in over their heads here, including the 17 yr old, and all the posters on this thread. But to claim the kid is pulling anybody down except himself is pure hyperbole. In a year, the OP and his wife can go about their life. Currently they are inconvenienced, and it seems, resentful, but there won't be any long-term effects for them. On the other hand, they are in the best position to make sure this boy doesn't wind up a statistic. And if the OP does turn him out, he will have to live with the consequences for far longer than the boy will live with them.
So, after a year he is magically going to be able to take care of himself and they will be able to just turn him out on his own and he will be great at getting a job and supporting himself. Give me a break. This will be the same after year as it is now. It will be the same after three years as it and is now. He will still be lounging around and leeching off of them. His only chance is to get some kind of social services now. He's not going to suddenly wake up as an adult and be able to take care of himself.
I feel for you OP. A year is a long time to put up with something straining your marriage. I think I would explain to your wife that the reality is, the situation will end... it's just going to take time.
But at the same time, you need to ask her what she wants and needs. She may opt to move out if she's had enough, and you need to be prepared to let her do so. Your brother is your family, and she doesn't have the same family bond that you do. What was promised to be only temporary has become something else entirely, and it wasn't what she signed on for.
I would simply explain that you can't turn your back on your brother with a year to go until he moves out, but that you want her to be happy and to do what she needs to be able to cope with the situation.
Just a warning though... It's entirely possibly that your mother won't let him move in with her either. She'll have just been released from prison, possibly will be dealing with parole issues, etc. Then your situation will continue on even longer.
He will not be equipped to support himself the day he turns 18. If they don't get him help through DSS now, it will soon be too late. If he went into DSS custody now, he will get help! He will get medical care, psychiatric care, structure and discipline, and can qualify for supportive transitional housing to help him until he is 21. The state may pay for college or technical school for him. There are many, many benefits that he can qualify for. If he continues where he is, the OP's marriage will likely dissolve, and the kid has a very dim future - likely OP will have to wind up legally evicting brother, and brother will wind up at best in a homeless shelter, at worst on the streets or dead. Get help from DSS now!
So, after a year he is magically going to be able to take care of himself and they will be able to just turn him out on his own and he will be great at getting a job and supporting himself. Give me a break. This will be the same after year as it is now. It will be the same after three years as it and is now. He will still be lounging around and leeching off of them. His only chance is to get some kind of social services now. He's not going to suddenly wake up as an adult and be able to take care of himself.
His mother has a year left to serve in jail. The OP agreed to house him until she was released. There is no reason to think he'll stick around if he has another option, he doesn't even have a room of his own now!
He will not be equipped to support himself the day he turns 18. If they don't get him help through DSS now, it will soon be too late. If he went into DSS custody now, he will get help! He will get medical care, psychiatric care, structure and discipline, and can qualify for supportive transitional housing to help him until he is 21. The state may pay for college or technical school for him. There are many, many benefits that he can qualify for. If he continues where he is, the OP's marriage will likely dissolve, and the kid has a very dim future - likely OP will have to wind up legally evicting brother, and brother will wind up at best in a homeless shelter, at worst on the streets or dead. Get help from DSS now!
It all sounds nice, but realistically, given the location of the OP (CA), it's a pipe dream. The services you speak of are offered for those who come from the foster care or juvenile justice system. Services for the basically homeless youths in CA are extremely limited in availability and funding.
He will not be equipped to support himself the day he turns 18. If they don't get him help through DSS now, it will soon be too late. If he went into DSS custody now, he will get help! He will get medical care, psychiatric care, structure and discipline, and can qualify for supportive transitional housing to help him until he is 21. The state may pay for college or technical school for him. There are many, many benefits that he can qualify for. If he continues where he is, the OP's marriage will likely dissolve, and the kid has a very dim future - likely OP will have to wind up legally evicting brother, and brother will wind up at best in a homeless shelter, at worst on the streets or dead. Get help from DSS now!
Wow....all homeless children should move to cali...wait...so many did and got no help at all
drive him down to a homeless area and just sit there for about a half hour and let him watch. then tell him that's where he's headed sooner rather than later. his choice. then take him to a hospital and walk through a cancer ward or burn unit. tell him how lucky he is to have his health and the ability to make good choices about life. it's never too late to do the next right thing.
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