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I am looking for advise on my living situation with my wife and little brother. 2 years ago my wife and i let my 15 yo brother moving in with us in our 1 bedroom apartment. this was because our mother was having some legal and financial issues. and lost her house. (father is out of the picture). the conditions of him staying with us were that he attend school, pass his classes(not asking for A's just to pass), keep his room(the dinning room) clean. and vacuum once a week... this situation was only suppose to be temporary while our mom got back on her feet. but that never happened, mom went to prison for 2 years for some white color thing, and little brother got stuck with us.
now to the problem. 3 months in we realized that this wasn't going to work out. the entire summer he did nothing but sit in front his computer. then when school started his grades went straight to failing(well the classes that actually required work). his room has never been clean, and he has vacuumed maybe 10 times out of the 100 weeks. he ditches school when he can (there has been 19 days of school this trimester and he has missed 5). We've taken away all his stuff piece by piece, first computer, then play station/TV then ipad and phone.and when ever we are out for the day he will go in our room and take it back for the day. which forced us to buy locks for the bedroom door. In the past we used to give him rides to and from school everyday(2 blocks away). and now we don't do that for him and he hates us for it.
End result is that he is a very lazy kid with no drive that feels highly entitled and does nothing but take and take. me being the brother i can put up with it, im his brother, its kinda expected. however my wife has had enough, she's talking about moving out and/or staying at friends houses here and there just to avoid him. she insists that it feels like he's takes away her home and personal space.
He's 17, we are not his parents, we are not his guardians, his mother is in prison and father is unknown. we have tried all surrounding family and no one will take him. We tried to open a case with social services and they said they wouldn't do anything because "the mother set up a home for him"
So what our my options? any advise? should i just kick him out to live on the street? i would send him too boot camp but we aren't exactly rolling in money living in our 1 bedroom apt.
I am looking for advise on my living situation with my wife and little brother. 2 years ago my wife and i let my 15 yo brother moving in with us in our 1 bedroom apartment. this was because our mother was having some legal and financial issues. and lost her house. (father is out of the picture). the conditions of him staying with us were that he attend school, pass his classes(not asking for A's just to pass), keep his room(the dinning room) clean. and vacuum once a week... this situation was only suppose to be temporary while our mom got back on her feet. but that never happened, mom went to prison for 2 years for some white color thing, and little brother got stuck with us.
now to the problem. 3 months in we realized that this wasn't going to work out. the entire summer he did nothing but sit in front his computer. then when school started his grades went straight to failing(well the classes that actually required work). his room has never been clean, and he has vacuumed maybe 10 times out of the 100 weeks. he ditches school when he can (there has been 19 days of school this trimester and he has missed 5). We've taken away all his stuff piece by piece, first computer, then play station/TV then ipad and phone.and when ever we are out for the day he will go in our room and take it back for the day. which forced us to buy locks for the bedroom door. In the past we used to give him rides to and from school everyday(2 blocks away). and now we don't do that for him and he hates us for it.
End result is that he is a very lazy kid with no drive that feels highly entitled and does nothing but take and take. me being the brother i can put up with it, im his brother, its kinda expected. however my wife has had enough, she's talking about moving out and/or staying at friends houses here and there just to avoid him. she insists that it feels like he's takes away her home and personal space.
He's 17, we are not his parents, we are not his guardians, his mother is in prison and father is unknown. we have tried all surrounding family and no one will take him. We tried to open a case with social services and they said they wouldn't do anything because "the mother set up a home for him"
So what our my options? any advise? should i just kick him out to live on the street? i would send him too boot camp but we aren't exactly rolling in money living in our 1 bedroom apt.
I'm confused. Yes, Mom made plans for someone to care for him temporarily not permanently AND it is not working out.
It you are at the end of your rope, call social services again and insist that he be removed from your apartment and placed in foster care or another setting.
You are his brother. Who else does he have? Put yourself in his shoes. Nobody seems to care about him.
Get guardianship, speak to the school counselor, come up with a plan. And tell your wife that this is part of the "better or worse" that she signed up for.
He will be 18 in a year. Our mom should be out a few months after he's 18. pretty sure he was planning on moving in with her when that happens. i attempted to get guardianship a few months back but required a court hearing that was 6 months out didn't see a point in going though all that trouble for 7 months of guardianship.
You are his brother. Who else does he have? Put yourself in his shoes. Nobody seems to care about him.
Get guardianship, speak to the school counselor, come up with a plan. And tell your wife that this is part of the "better or worse" that she signed up for.
I think they're past the "make a plan" stage. They've tried punishment, he just doesn't care. It is incredibly hard to make someone care. You can only do so much.
I'd try social services again, maybe try going in to speak to someone?
In the short term, I'd take his apartment key back and tell him when you and wife leave in the morning, he leaves to. The obvious place being school, but if he doesn't want to go to school, he doesn't get to sit around the apartment all day. He can come back in when one of you gets home from work.
If he goes into state care, God only knows what is going to happen. He could end up in a group home for boys which is more like juvy then a home. He is a kid...a kid who has had a very hard life it sounds like. OP I suggest you look into connected parenting like this book You’re Ruining My Life! - Connected Parenting
Its just a year and a few months. I raised a niece as a foster kid for a couple years. It was hell...and we had space to spread out. I can relate, but can't imagine if we all had to be on top of each other too. It sounds tough!
Listen and support your wife and do this together. Make sure she knows how much you appreciate her part in raising this boy, and what she has sacrificed.
What you are trying hasn't worked. So you need to try something different just to make everyone's life peaceful for as long as possible.
I was babysitting in a hotel room long ago and the mom said she would be home by dinner. There was no food or drinks in the hotel (and it was crappy, I didn't have access to getting anything). The mom didn't come home all night. Finally by morning I headed over to my mom's house so I could feed the child and call around to find the mom. She wasn't answering her cell. I called the jail and the hospital. Nope. Finally when she was 18 hours late I realized she was blowing me (and her kid) off on purpose (I had heard she left a bar with a man late that night). So I called CPS. They told me the same thing, she did set up care for the child...even if she didn't come back. I had to say I was no longer willing to care for the child and then they would send a social worker for her. I couldn't do that. Finally the mom showed up, yelled at me for leaving the hotel, threw money at me and ran.
I think they're past the "make a plan" stage. They've tried punishment, he just doesn't care. It is incredibly hard to make someone care. You can only do so much.
I'd try social services again, maybe try going in to speak to someone?
In the short term, I'd take his apartment key back and tell him when you and wife leave in the morning, he leaves to. The obvious place being school, but if he doesn't want to go to school, he doesn't get to sit around the apartment all day. He can come back in when one of you gets home from work.
He's 17! Somebody has to care on his behalf. His brother is the logical one. It isn't forever.
Drop him off at the fire station. They take kids no questions asked.
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