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Old 03-08-2016, 10:20 AM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,278,072 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
You again! The self appointed expert on relationships, parenting, and apparently. . . me. Don't you have anything better to do than following me around on these boards?
Sorry if I offend you with my comments, but it seems to me that you don't stand up for yourself very much and, instead, make excuses for your bad decisions and other people's bad behavior.
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Old 03-08-2016, 10:47 AM
 
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
22 posts, read 14,355 times
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A lot of it depends on the family dynamics as well. My sisters (twins) are 11 years older than me; my parents were 17 when they had them. My sisters grew up with much different parents than I did and have had a very rocky, 'don't speak to me again' relationship for as long as I can remember. I grew up with the more stable parents and I've never had distance or resentment towards either my mom or dad. I still don't know if a lot of these roles fall into place or if they're assumed or what. But getting back to you and your daughter...my mom and my sisters have had that kind of rocky relationship for years. What's made it worse...the types of boyfriends they both have. My mom can't stand these guys and I think my dad has just given up trying to express how he feels. Either way, with your daughter I think you need to be very honest and just put it out there. There is more to this than the cell phone or not replying to texts (which is RUDE by the way). My parents have done so much for me and have stuck together through things that I doubt any 17-year-old couple would survive today. I respect them more than anyone and wish I could find someone to go through life with.

What's changed with a lot of younger kids today is a complete lack of respect and a huge sense of entitlement. The phone is somehow a given - how dare you ask her to pay her own bill or ask her to reply when you text/call (for the phone you are paying for!). Something's happened over the past decade or so where 18-21 has regressed to 12-13. I don't know if parents aren't holding their kids responsible for their actions or are coddling them so much that there's no incentive for them to grow up.

With your health issues (which I am very much into holistic health myself) it's important that you are honest and upfront now. Yes she is scared. It's very real when it's your mom or dad who is fighting for their life. You don't want to lose them but you don't know how to say that. You are afraid to talk about it because you don't want them to worry about you. But it's a discussion I think you need to have.
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Old 03-08-2016, 01:04 PM
 
Location: Camberville
11,395 posts, read 15,999,324 times
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A few thoughts.

First of all, as others said, this is normal. You don't indicate how often you talk to your daughter so that might clear up a bit of the confusion. I work at a university and part of my role involves keeping an eye on the parent's group on Facebook. *Some* parents flip their lids that they don't hear from their students every day. Other parents respond that they only called their own parents once a month on a pay phone for 5 minutes in a hallway while their parents told them to hurry up because long distance was expensive. :P There's a whole range of what is normal for both the family and the young adult, and those expectations don't always line up. I know personally, I hate talking on the phone and would only really call my family when I was waiting for a bus or killing time before a meeting. Most of my "free time" in college was very late at night between classes, extracurricular and student union obligations, and work study. Either my parents got me once a week while I was waiting for something, or I was going to have to call them at midnight.

Cancer is scary. As many know, my own parents threw me to the wolves at my own stage IV cancer diagnosis when I was 23. I know now that they were scared out of their minds - but they refused to talk to me about my illness (and, in fact, filled conversations with their own sore throats or muscle pains), did not want to see me on Skype, and did not visit. They claimed they couldn't afford to visit or to help, but chose to take a two week trip to Scotland during this time. As a bit more of a mature adult, I realize this was their (incredibly dysfunctional) way of coping. It's been 5 years and my parents still ask me ridiculously basic questions about my illness, including "So are you in remission now?" and "What type of lymphoma did you have?"

And those were my parents who were in their mid to late 50s and had a whole lifetime of experiences dealing with their own parents', stepparents', and other close relatives' failing health, illnesses, and death. Your daughter is young and probably has not had to deal with anything like this. Living far away at college, which is its own painfully stressful, overwhelming time, makes it easier to put all the immense stresses of home aside. She should be separating herself - that's normal and healthy - but unfortunately it's probably more appealing to push you away given your illness and the lingering pain of the divorce.

Have a real discussion about all of this with her.
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Old 03-08-2016, 01:31 PM
 
143 posts, read 131,859 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
Meanwhile mommy is footing the college, living, and cell phone expenses.

What is unhealthy is to support an adult child while getting very little in return from that adult.
You make this sound like it's a business contract. What's the return you're getting on your investment? That's crazy thinking to me, especially as a parent to a special needs teenager. The things I do and sacrifice for my kid is my duty as her father to try to ensure that she has the best opportunity to live a quality life with some semblance of independence. I certainly don't do it so I can use my support against her if I don't feel she doing the things that I want her to do later in life. I'm setting the course and, with luck and hard work, she'll be able to forge her own way in this world.

With this particular situation, we're only hearing one side of the story, from the mother that's sad that she doesn't get the level of contact and compassion she wants from her daughter. We don't know what the daughter is thinking. We don't know anything but what the OP, who is hurting and desperate for something she's not getting. We also know that there's at least been a thought of threatening to withhold further support if things don't change. It all sounds pretty negative to me, something that I probably wouldn't want to deal with while I'm trying to graduate college.

All stories have at least two sides.

OP, I'm really sorry about your health issues and wish you the best.
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Old 03-08-2016, 02:47 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,457 posts, read 16,412,550 times
Reputation: 13154
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
Sorry if I offend you with my comments, but it seems to me that you don't stand up for yourself very much and, instead, make excuses for your bad decisions and other people's bad behavior.
I do not make excuses for others' bad behavior because other people's behavior is a factor that I cannot control--I can only control the way I behave. I do find you offensive b/c you make judgements about my whole life based on a few very small pieces of evidence--you have no idea what I'm like and mostly you're wrong about me.
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Old 03-08-2016, 02:50 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,457 posts, read 16,412,550 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post

Cancer is scary. As many know, my own parents threw me to the wolves at my own stage IV cancer diagnosis when I was 23. I know now that they were scared out of their minds - but they refused to talk to me about my illness (and, in fact, filled conversations with their own sore throats or muscle pains), did not want to see me on Skype, and did not visit. They claimed they couldn't afford to visit or to help, but chose to take a two week trip to Scotland during this time. As a bit more of a mature adult, I realize this was their (incredibly dysfunctional) way of coping. It's been 5 years and my parents still ask me ridiculously basic questions about my illness, including "So are you in remission now?" and "What type of lymphoma did you have?"

And those were my parents who were in their mid to late 50s and had a whole lifetime of experiences dealing with their own parents', stepparents', and other close relatives' failing health, illnesses, and death. Your daughter is young and probably has not had to deal with anything like this. Living far away at college, which is its own painfully stressful, overwhelming time, makes it easier to put all the immense stresses of home aside. She should be separating herself - that's normal and healthy - but unfortunately it's probably more appealing to push you away given your illness and the lingering pain of the divorce.

Have a real discussion about all of this with her.
Ah Charolastra, I am familiar with your heartbreaking story and I'm glad you are on speaking terms with your folks now, but I'm guessing that even if you've forgiven them, you'll never forget. They just sound like a couple of big old babies to me and hope I'm not offending with that. Thank you for bringing this up though--it does help to put it into perspective.
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Old 03-08-2016, 03:14 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,457 posts, read 16,412,550 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
I am sorry to hear that. {{hugs}}
Don't be--having a poor prognosis made this an easy choice--I plan to live a good long while and i feel fantastic. I just felt that I had a better chance at that with the holistic and so far I've been right. Last weekend I went to a weekend dance and danced 3 hours on Fri, 9 hours on Saturday, and 3 more hours on Sunday and all quite vigorously--I have so much energy these days I'm not quite sure what to do with it all.

The thing is that my girls see this and they see me doing well and they are starting to relax about it. One of my friends, an RN who was quite worried about me at first, has said that she was terrified at first, said that if she found herself now with a cancer dx she would probably choose to do what I did. The daughter in question does make snarky comments sometimes about the scientific validity of some of my treatment modalities, but if she's terrified, she's not showing it. We have had some discussions about that and we just don't see eye to eye but I don't think that's what keeping her from talking to me because she was like this before, though usually to a lesser degree. Still, she has done and said some other hurtful things and long before we knew about the cancer--I suspect that we will always have a somewhat strained relationship.

The reason I even mentioned the cancer at all is that cancer patients often live longer if they have social support, esp family members around them. I have suffered quite a lot from the empty nest thing, esp as I find myself so isolated around here--if I didn't work with the high school students--if I were retired--I don't think I could take it. I do have friends but don't like to put a huge load on any one of them--my best friend here is married and has 5 kids and several grandchildren and with all of them coming and going I don't presume too much on her time. The hardest part of this whole treatment has been keeping myself in a good place mentally but I think it would have been harder if I'd needed a lot of help and couldn't get it.
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Old 03-08-2016, 04:36 PM
 
599 posts, read 659,046 times
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There could be any number of reasons behind it - starting with the age, the fact that it's normal, as well as the health issues. There could be more to it, it could be a mixture.

I personally don't talk much to my mother - she's incredibly negative, guilt trips me about anything she can come up with, complains about everything and anything, tells me all about the other dogs in her neighborhood that her dog likes to visit (not kidding) and gossips to me about people I don't know. She never talks about anything of substance - so I avoid speaking to her. She never calls me, either. When we do talk, she complains that my daughter doesn't talk to her (mine is in college as well). My daughter now sees things the same way I do at this point (no, I've never relayed my feelings to her, she had a visit with them on her own last summer and it's been ever since).


I'm not saying that this is you but do some honest assessments as to why. Could it be just normal age related circumstances? Could it be something that you're doing? Be brutally truthful with yourself - and if you still feel that it's not you, then chalk it up to her age, and keep the door open. Be interested in what's going on in her life, ask her questions.

On the phone thing - if you do choose to no longer pay for it, realize what you are doing before you do it. Our rule (mine is working) is that she pay her portion of the bill. That way she still gets a discount being part of our plan and she also gets a little responsibility.
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Old 03-08-2016, 05:18 PM
 
4,940 posts, read 2,565,618 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
I do not make excuses for others' bad behavior because other people's behavior is a factor that I cannot control--I can only control the way I behave. I do find you offensive b/c you make judgements about my whole life based on a few very small pieces of evidence--you have no idea what I'm like and mostly you're wrong about me.
I find that poster offensive also. No one has walked in your shoes. Your daughter is still a kid, I have all the faith in the world that she will come around when she gets older. Focus on the positive responses. I find similarites of my son is some of your posts. I know he loves me. I know he cares about me. And he many ways I think it is my own fault because I have raised them to be independent and they assume I am independent too (I am in many ways. Mothers seem to be the head of the family hierarchy and we always to do our best that we have it all together. Then comes that moment that we need support--and our own family members can't see it or they find it impossible to actually notice we need help because we have always appeared strong. So we suffer in silence.) She is still a kid, no where near an adult.

As other posters have said in many different ways. Taking the cell phone away will not fix the problem, it will only escalade it. I think when you do have a phone call from her stay positive, ask what she had been up to.

Good luck to you stepka. With my first pregnancy and complete stranger gave me this advice: "don't listen to any one's advice, parent from your heart".
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Old 03-08-2016, 06:17 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
17,572 posts, read 21,756,199 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GiGi603 View Post
I find that poster offensive also. No one has walked in your shoes. Your daughter is still a kid, I have all the faith in the world that she will come around when she gets older. Focus on the positive responses. I find similarites of my son is some of your posts. I know he loves me. I know he cares about me. And he many ways I think it is my own fault because I have raised them to be independent and they assume I am independent too (I am in many ways. Mothers seem to be the head of the family hierarchy and we always to do our best that we have it all together. Then comes that moment that we need support--and our own family members can't see it or they find it impossible to actually notice we need help because we have always appeared strong. So we suffer in silence.) She is still a kid, no where near an adult.

As other posters have said in many different ways. Taking the cell phone away will not fix the problem, it will only escalade it. I think when you do have a phone call from her stay positive, ask what she had been up to.

Good luck to you stepka. With my first pregnancy and complete stranger gave me this advice: "don't listen to any one's advice, parent from your heart".
Amazing post! So many good points.

Mothers are, in most cases, the head of the family and the conduit through which children communicate with "the family" - while away and in the home. Weather there is a dad on the scene of not, we take the heat.

You are in a difficult position. My best to you, Stepka.
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