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Old 03-09-2016, 02:01 PM
 
Location: Huntsville, AL
2,850 posts, read 769,827 times
Reputation: 5396

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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
As for the cell phone thing--if she is going to blow me off, why should I pay for it? I've threatened to take it away before, when she was in high school and wouldn't answer my texts or phone calls and now she's 21. Child support has stopped and I make less than $30K/year as a new teacher.
Ok, I didn't see the part about you paying for her cellphone.
Here's what you do.

Call the provider and stop service TODAY.
She's all grown up now (in her mind) and wears big girl panties, so cut the string.
She'll find a way to call you THEN - and ask why you stopped service - to which you can answer her with your reasoning.

She's not answering your calls - making any herself - or your texts. So you'll not have any change in that with having her service disconnected.

It's sounds like tough love - but tough love works!
I wish you the best and pray for your full recovery!
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Old 03-09-2016, 02:28 PM
 
1,039 posts, read 608,048 times
Reputation: 1730
Young women New in College -


1. know everything
2. are deeply critical of their parenting (because theyre taking classes on psych, duh)
3. have brains that are still growing and wont stop until about 24 years of age when they tend to GROW UP in a massive leap


OP your daughter is being Entirely Normal. Celebrate the Silence - it means shes Loving Life.


OP you also need to think about YOUR LIFE beyond being Mom. We all have Empty Nest syndrome, all of us.


These tiny helpless babies grow into know it all adults right in front of our eyes but to Mommy they will always be tiny helpless babies.


This causes a lot of youngsters to pull away entirely in order to grow their own individuality.




IT DOESNT MEAN THEY DONT LOVE YOU.


Its part of Growing Up.
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Old 03-09-2016, 03:11 PM
 
143 posts, read 132,093 times
Reputation: 247
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tumf View Post
Ok, I didn't see the part about you paying for her cellphone.
Here's what you do.

Call the provider and stop service TODAY.
She's all grown up now (in her mind) and wears big girl panties, so cut the string.
She'll find a way to call you THEN - and ask why you stopped service - to which you can answer her with your reasoning.

She's not answering your calls - making any herself - or your texts. So you'll not have any change in that with having her service disconnected.

It's sounds like tough love - but tough love works!
I wish you the best and pray for your full recovery!
Unfortunately what you call "tough love" is nothing more than extortion. Does mom have the right to cut off the phone? Yes. Will this action improve the relationship with the mother? Absolutely not, unless and ONLY unless, the phone service was being provided for the sole purpose of "calling home" and we all know that the odds of that being the case is next to none.

When I was in college, my parents threatened to cut me off from the partial support they provided because they didn't agree with some of the things that I was doing. You know what the end result was? I stopped calling. I stopped going home. And I paid my own way 100%. Why? Because I *was* a man, even though I wasn't yet 20. After all of that, my parents ended up respecting me MORE than they ever did, but my re-integrating back into family functions and get togethers was on MY terms, NOT theirs.

Some there are individuals where this "tough love" absolutely can and does backfire producing the exact opposite of what you want to happen.
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Old 03-09-2016, 03:13 PM
 
12,932 posts, read 19,824,518 times
Reputation: 33989
You can always try this Stepka:

Woman bills son $39,254 for being unappreciative | www.ajc.com
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Old 03-09-2016, 03:29 PM
 
300 posts, read 243,143 times
Reputation: 556
Quote:
Originally Posted by cruisereg View Post
Unfortunately what you call "tough love" is nothing more than extortion. Does mom have the right to cut off the phone? Yes. Will this action improve the relationship with the mother? Absolutely not, unless and ONLY unless, the phone service was being provided for the sole purpose of "calling home" and we all know that the odds of that being the case is next to none.

When I was in college, my parents threatened to cut me off from the partial support they provided because they didn't agree with some of the things that I was doing. You know what the end result was? I stopped calling. I stopped going home. And I paid my own way 100%. Why? Because I *was* a man, even though I wasn't yet 20. After all of that, my parents ended up respecting me MORE than they ever did, but my re-integrating back into family functions and get togethers was on MY terms, NOT theirs.

Some there are individuals where this "tough love" absolutely can and does backfire producing the exact opposite of what you want to happen.
My husband's parents did the exact same thing to him (cut off ALL support for PETTY reasons) when he was in college to the exact same result. It was devastating to the relationship (and really the final straw after years of controlling behavior on their part.) He ended up working his butt off for three years to put himself through college. It was amazing to watch actually and solidified how much I respected him. He has never gone home since, never spent another holiday there, and rarely calls them. The relationship is cordial now, but not close. We live 3000 miles away. I encouraged him to keep in contact with them after the fall-out and I mostly maintain the relationship now because we have kids and everyone benefits. I love his parents but they messed up big with him in many ways during his early adult years.

Trying to manipulate someone into having a relationship never ends well.

If the OP truly can't afford the cell phone, then of course she has the right to eventually stop paying the bill. BUT, connecting that to the lack of communication from her daughter is a mistake and will just further distance their relationship.
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Old 03-09-2016, 03:37 PM
 
1,039 posts, read 608,048 times
Reputation: 1730
There have been cases where the Adult Child themselves sues their parents for Child Support, right up to age 25 or when they leave Education, whichever comes first. And, they WIN.
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Old 03-09-2016, 03:56 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,460 posts, read 16,433,366 times
Reputation: 13169
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrassTacksGal View Post
Yes, my cancers were cured without me having to give up a cookie now and then and missed day of exercise too. If a holistic approached worked, we've have studies that prove that and we'd all be doing it. Conventional treatment didn't kill me, wasn't horrible, and my cancer was cured. I just can't imagine NOT doing that. My life is too important to my children and husband to fool around with something that 'sometimes' works when I have something that works 99% of the time. If you didn't have children that love you, I wouldn't care what you choose to do, but children changes all that you have to do what is best for them and that's not a cure that 'might' work.

Yeah, I too broke a thermometer when I was growing up and had a heck of a fun time playing with all those little silver balls. It didn't cause my cancer or any other problem.
Look, I am not here to argue whose treatment is better--let's just say your treatment is better for you and mine is better for me and we're both still alive. But if you haven't changed your lifestyle then you're not trying as hard as you can to not get cancer again. It's like a diabetic who eats whatever they want because they figure they'll just take more medicine. You say you can't imagine NOT doing conventional med but I can't imagine doing it. So what? My choice does not make your choice wrong. Also, how do you know that the mercury incident didn't cause your cancer? Did anyone ever check your levels? Most people detox their own body from that but some people don't--I suspect I'm one of them b/c I don't eat hardly any fish and I had symptoms of mercury poisoning for a really long time.

As for the cancer society's 5 year statistics? At the rate I'm going I'll make 5 years at least. Which will mean that by their standard, my treatment will be successful. I wasn't too impressed with 5 years anyway, since I was 54 at dx. I met a lady a few months ago at my holistic doc's office who'd hit her 5 years after being treated for a ductal carcinoma in situ (means they caught it really early before it became invasive) and then she started feeling really tired. She went back to the doc and found out she was stage IV so she decided to try her luck with holistic this time around. I wish I could say how she's doing but she didn't look so good last time I saw her. Stage IV is hard for anyone to work with and the chemo drugs don't always work the second time around as the cells build up a tolerance.
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Old 03-09-2016, 04:02 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,460 posts, read 16,433,366 times
Reputation: 13169
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
It would help both of you immensely to sit down and have a few heart-to-heart talks with each other.
I agree and I would if I could catch her. Will see her at her sis't b-day next week but not sure I want to mess with sis's b-day. I think that what I will do is warn her that she's off my phone bill by some date in July maybe and not make it dependent on calling me, b/c really, do I want to talk to someone who does not want to talk to me? I've decided I'll just have to let her go if she wants to go, but only after sharing with her how much it bothers me not to hear from her. I guess that I'm afraid that if we get into too much of a habit of not speaking that it will be the pattern for our lifetime. Also, it hurts that she doesn't want to be part of my life but I need to reframe this, if just for my own peace of mind. One thing I have learned in my life is that you can't make someone have a relationship with you.
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Old 03-09-2016, 04:05 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,460 posts, read 16,433,366 times
Reputation: 13169
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bonnie Jean McGee View Post
Young women New in College -


1. know everything
2. are deeply critical of their parenting (because theyre taking classes on psych, duh)
3. have brains that are still growing and wont stop until about 24 years of age when they tend to GROW UP in a massive leap


OP your daughter is being Entirely Normal. Celebrate the Silence - it means shes Loving Life.


OP you also need to think about YOUR LIFE beyond being Mom. We all have Empty Nest syndrome, all of us.


These tiny helpless babies grow into know it all adults right in front of our eyes but to Mommy they will always be tiny helpless babies.


This causes a lot of youngsters to pull away entirely in order to grow their own individuality.




IT DOESNT MEAN THEY DONT LOVE YOU.


Its part of Growing Up.
Yeah. . . I am actually working to build a social life here and I have some friends I hang out with and I'm even trying to date, but imagine trying to find a relationship with this going on.
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Old 03-09-2016, 04:23 PM
 
1,039 posts, read 608,048 times
Reputation: 1730
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
Yeah. . . I am actually working to build a social life here and I have some friends I hang out with and I'm even trying to date, but imagine trying to find a relationship with this going on.
what we think will happen when we have kids and what actually happens, are often two different things.


Its a different world out there now, far more cutthroat.


These grown kids of ours are on their Own Battlefields. They don't need ours as well.


It seems Hurtful that they just Drop Off the Radar, but often theres stuff going on with them we cant even guess at. It doesn't mean they don't love you, just that they need Space to Grow.


Empty Nest is Horrible because we feel like Bad Moms. In reality, we were Great Moms otherwise we wouldn't get Empty Nest. We need to Move On Too, as individuals without kids again.


Basically you're finding it so tough because you've Lost Your Identity as Mom, just like that, unexpectedly and suddenly.


This is YOUR problem to address, not your daughters. She's off having a Life.


If you love them, set them free.
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