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Old 03-10-2016, 10:36 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,062,031 times
Reputation: 20460

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Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post

Your daughter is being selfish and insensitive for not talking to you - illness or not. I hope she's not into something that she's trying to keep from you. I'd have to talk to the school and see if her grades/records are on the up and up. She's making her own decisions - she will have to live with the consequences.

I have a son who rarely, if ever, calls me. HOWEVER, I occasionally text and say "please let me know you're doing okay" and he usually gives me a one or two word text "I am" etc. Yesterday he texted me "I just got pepper sprayed" I had to call him on that one. LOL He's military and volunteering with the Security Forces at his base. I told him at least he wasn't in hand cuffs.
No NO No! The daughter is an ADULT! Mommy's do NOT belong calling colleges to make sure their little snowflake are attending classes and getting decent grades. The college, by law, canNOT release that info to anyone unless a court order is issued or the student signed the papers and said mommy can check. I don't know anyone who did that. She's getting ready to graduate so clearly she attended classes and passed them!

I have military members in my family. We can go for months without hearing from them depending on what they are assigned to. When they are working on base, communication is much more frequent.

When one of my cousins was in Iraq, we had no idea what country he was in or what his mission was. He was not allowed to tell anyone. He was gone for 9 months. We would email each other periodically. I just wanted to make sure he was ok and that he knew we were thinking about him. I sent him care packages. He said those were far better than phone calls......easier to handle. He knew he was missed and he got a piece of home.
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Old 03-10-2016, 10:52 AM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,654,434 times
Reputation: 33231
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
No NO No! The daughter is an ADULT! Mommy's do NOT belong calling colleges to make sure their little snowflake are attending classes and getting decent grades. The college, by law, canNOT release that info to anyone unless a court order is issued or the student signed the papers and said mommy can check. I don't know anyone who did that. She's getting ready to graduate so clearly she attended classes and passed them!

I have military members in my family. We can go for months without hearing from them depending on what they are assigned to. When they are working on base, communication is much more frequent.

When one of my cousins was in Iraq, we had no idea what country he was in or what his mission was. He was not allowed to tell anyone. He was gone for 9 months. We would email each other periodically. I just wanted to make sure he was ok and that he knew we were thinking about him. I sent him care packages. He said those were far better than phone calls......easier to handle. He knew he was missed and he got a piece of home.
When mommy or daddy is paying the freight for the college they can damn sure check to see if snowflake is attending classes and getting good grades.

I remember a girl in college whose parents were paying her room/board and out of state tuition(3 times the amount of in state), she just stopped going to classes, the last week of the semester she just withdrew from all of her classes(for a fee of course). She did in the fall and the parents gave her a pass. She did the same thing again the following spring semester, she was back home after that.

LOL...you're comparing someone being deployed overseas to a college kid in another state?

Get real.

And college kids when they need money or end up in a jam(like arrested during Spring Break) manage to find a way to call home.
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Old 03-10-2016, 11:41 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,062,031 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VelouriaPDX View Post
My husband's parents did the exact same thing to him (cut off ALL support for PETTY reasons) when he was in college to the exact same result. It was devastating to the relationship (and really the final straw after years of controlling behavior on their part.) He ended up working his butt off for three years to put himself through college. It was amazing to watch actually and solidified how much I respected him. He has never gone home since, never spent another holiday there, and rarely calls them. The relationship is cordial now, but not close. We live 3000 miles away. I encouraged him to keep in contact with them after the fall-out and I mostly maintain the relationship now because we have kids and everyone benefits. I love his parents but they messed up big with him in many ways during his early adult years.

Trying to manipulate someone into having a relationship never ends well.
Sounds like we're related! My mother pulled this nonsense when I was in college. I ended up moving out and living with my grandparents. Her own mother told her to cut the crap. I was a full time college student who had a full time job. I was beyond responsible. I was doing things my own mother never did. I paid my way through life since I was 16.

The controlling issues really never go away. The resentment is buried deep. If parents treat their kids this way when they need them, then why bother with them? Seriously. The whole giving birth to you nonsense doesn't hold water either. Not one of us asked to be born.

I can honestly see why your husband has written off his family. They wrote him off when he needed them most. Why wouldn't one reciprocate that?
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Old 03-10-2016, 11:44 AM
 
Location: Texas
598 posts, read 476,472 times
Reputation: 1815
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Reread that post you quoted. She's going to drop her cell phone in July, after she graduates.

The OP is getting unfairly dumped on here, with a lot of innuendos being tossed around as to why her daughter is so lazy about returning calls. It's one thing to surmise she's busy with senior year commitments (likely), and quite another to decide the OP must have been a lousy mother to have caused this to happen.
I don't know/think that she was a lousy mom. I said IF she commonly used these types of tactics in the past.

It's one thing to ponder why daughter doesn't call often - it's another thing to cut her off the phone just because she doesn't call often.
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Old 03-10-2016, 11:50 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,062,031 times
Reputation: 20460
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
When mommy or daddy is paying the freight for the college they can damn sure check to see if snowflake is attending classes and getting good grades.

I remember a girl in college whose parents were paying her room/board and out of state tuition(3 times the amount of in state), she just stopped going to classes, the last week of the semester she just withdrew from all of her classes(for a fee of course). She did in the fall and the parents gave her a pass. She did the same thing again the following spring semester, she was back home after that.

LOL...you're comparing someone being deployed overseas to a college kid in another state?

Get real.

And college kids when they need money or end up in a jam(like arrested during Spring Break) manage to find a way to call home.
No, there's a federal law called FERPA. Parents are NOT allowed to see the academic records of a student over 18 years old. Doesn't matter who is paying the bills.

What FERPA Means for You and Your College Student | College Parents of America

And no I wasn't comparing a college student to anyone in the military! I was responding to someone who was talking about their military son. That post was quoted. Not sure what part you couldn't follow.

I don't know any college student who was arrested during Spring Break. Don't know any who were arrested either though. Maybe we don't hang with the same crowd. I certainly never called home for money. I've paid my way through life since I was 16. Mommy and daddy closed their checkbook the day I got my first part time job.
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Old 03-10-2016, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,062,031 times
Reputation: 20460
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
I do agree with this but dang it hurts. No, what hurts is that she was supposed to call me last night but got "busy" because she was with her dad. The one that walked away from her and barely saw her after he left but now his home is closer to hers b/c of where her university is and now he's all settled in with his new spouse so he has more time for her.
So she's not allowed to hang out with her dad? Your problems with him are just that. Your problems! His is HER father. Whatever happened between you two happened between you two and NOT your children!

No matter what happened between the parents, the children WILL always want a relationship with them. Now unless you're abusing them, then this will hold true. Daughters who are abandoned by their fathers will ALWAYS want their daddy! If your father didn't leave you when you were a child, you will NEVER understand!

Stop being so jealous of everything in her life. You're isolated because of where you are and you're depressed about it. You said so yourself. These are YOUR issues. NOT your daughter's. She is an ADULT. Say that out loud to yourself. You need to drum that into your head. She is not a child anymore.

Instead of being sad or upset that she is spending time with her father, be happy for her. Be happy he came back into her life and he's not a mass murderer. Be happy they were given this chance. Many daughters NEVER have this with their father. I know very well what she's going through with that. My father abandoned me as well and I would LOVE to have a relationship with him even though he left 40 years ago. My own mother HATES that and rags on him CONSTANTLY. NO ONE wants to hear that crap about their dad. I'm sure you do the same thing based on your posts here.

She has a mother with cancer who is refusing conventional medical treatment. Of course she wants her father! She wants a relationship with him. He may be all she has soon.


Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
That's exactly what I'm worried about. I probably will take your advice too about sitting her down and telling her calmly that I'm disappointed not to hear from her and that I will let her take over phone payments in June--I like that better than blowing up at her. She is a very bright girl and was valedictorian of her class, but unfortunately she's a bit of a shlt too and kind of arrogant and so I think a lot of this is lack of respect. I can handle the no phone calls, though that hurts, but when she can't even be bothered to text back and let me know that she will call back and that she's okay or something--that's like a smack in the face.
No you can't handle the lack of phone calls. If you could, you never would have started this thread. You wouldn't have complained numerous times that she doesn't call or text.

You're loneliness and/or lack of friends because of your move is not your daughter's fault or problem. You sound like she's your whole world. That's not healthy for anyone. You need to have your own life. She's making a life for herself. You need to find friends....people your own age with similar interests.


Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
The thing is that my girls see this and they see me doing well and they are starting to relax about it. One of my friends, an RN who was quite worried about me at first, has said that she was terrified at first, said that if she found herself now with a cancer dx she would probably choose to do what I did. The daughter in question does make snarky comments sometimes about the scientific validity of some of my treatment modalities, but if she's terrified, she's not showing it. We have had some discussions about that and we just don't see eye to eye but I don't think that's what keeping her from talking to me because she was like this before, though usually to a lesser degree. Still, she has done and said some other hurtful things and long before we knew about the cancer--I suspect that we will always have a somewhat strained relationship.
You keep adding more backstory as time goes on. Your relationship before she went off to college wasn't all peaches and roses. That's not going to change while she's in college and you have cancer.

I can't say I blame her attitude towards your treatment. You complain about the father who abandoned her, but have you stopped to think about if you die from this that you will be abandoning her for the rest of her life? There is no coming back from the dead. She probably has abandonment issues due to her fabulous childhood. No one would find that shocking.

I'd be VERY cautious about canceling her cell phone. You currently have a phone number and a way to reach her. By canceling it, you could be open a can of worms. She may not give you her new number. This pettiness over a cell phone could really explode. Is this a fight you want? Is this a fight you need in life? It's one thing to let the contract expire once she has a job. If you're going to use the finances excuse, that's a bunch of crap because you can't cancel a cell phone for free. It can be up to $750! It all depends on your contract.
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Old 03-10-2016, 11:54 AM
 
Location: interior Alaska
3,981 posts, read 2,971,082 times
Reputation: 11852
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
When mommy or daddy is paying the freight for the college they can damn sure check to see if snowflake is attending classes and getting good grades.
Not unless the student him or herself releases the info, if they're over 18.
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Old 03-10-2016, 12:01 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,654,434 times
Reputation: 33231
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
No, there's a federal law called FERPA. Parents are NOT allowed to see the academic records of a student over 18 years old. Doesn't matter who is paying the bills.

What FERPA Means for You and Your College Student | College Parents of America

And no I wasn't comparing a college student to anyone in the military! I was responding to someone who was talking about their military son. That post was quoted. Not sure what part you couldn't follow.

I don't know any college student who was arrested during Spring Break. Don't know any who were arrested either though. Maybe we don't hang with the same crowd. I certainly never called home for money. I've paid my way through life since I was 16. Mommy and daddy closed their checkbook the day I got my first part time job.
LOL...you just said your mother pulled the same thing when you were in college(stopped paying for it) now you say you were on your own since 16? Which one is the truth? Can't be both.


If the parent is paying for college, they have a right to know what is going on with their kid. Never mind academic records, you can find out if they're going to classes or partying every night. I can't think of more wasteful way to spend money if they're goofing off. The idea of spending the big bucks is seeing a return on your investment. Not find out they slept till noon and never went to class, after $20K was just spent.

When I was in college two girls did get arrested for shoplifting, both from out of state. Guess who they called?

Point is, when they run into trouble they know who to call, it would behoove them to keep in contact when things area going good. A call once a week isn't too much to ask.
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Old 03-10-2016, 12:02 PM
 
Location: in here, out there
3,065 posts, read 5,285,189 times
Reputation: 5109
When I was in college I rarely called my parents, except to ask them for money.
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Old 03-10-2016, 01:09 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,281,877 times
Reputation: 8481
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jayerdu View Post
I am sorry but you are being quite petty. You are going to cut her off your phone because she doesn't text you as much you want her to? Seriously? She is in her young 20s for pete's sake. I remember my senior year of college was the most stressful and the busiest.

You claim what a great mom you were to her but if these were the tactics that you used on her while she was growing up (i.e., do this for me or else), no wonder she doesn't want to text all that much.

What is so important about your texts that she has to respond immediately? I love my Mom but she and I are not friends. We have nothing in common. She asks the same damn questions (are you eating, how are the kids, etc.). To be quite frank, the reason I don't want to talk to her more often is because she is a Debbie Downer. It drains my energy.

Yes, it is unfortunate that you are ill but it is not her fault nor her responsibility to emotionally take care of you.
A cell phone paid for by the parents is a privilege and not a right. Parents do not owe their adult children cell phones and plans. Adult children should be paying for those themselves.

If she wants her mom to foot the bill for her phone, this is her "paycheck". Her "job" for this paycheck is to keep in contact with her mom. She can get another job and pay for her own cell phone if she chooses.
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