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Old 03-10-2016, 03:12 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,055,580 times
Reputation: 20460

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
Simple solution. ADULT daughter gets records an forwards records to mom. If daughter will not do that, funding of college, cell phone, and lifestyle stop immediately.
What's the point? Daughter is graduating in 2 months. Clearly she HAS been doing what she's supposed. She's attended classes and past them.

Why on earth would an ADULT get academic records for their parents? That's just silly. Nothing like making a mountain out of a molehill. Things like this lead to children not speaking to their parents and blowing them off.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
I think there are probably 100's of thousand of women (many of whom have been through therapy), who have come to the realization that only scumbag dads who are not worth their time will abandon their daughters, will disagree with you on this.
There's three sides to every relationship. His/Hers/Truth. Just because a parent leaves doesn't mean it had a thing to do with the kids. I know my mother had a HUGE part in my father leaving. She drives people away every chance she gets. That's her bi-polar thing to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
Something doesn't add up here. You paid your way through life since you were 16, but you moved in with your grandparents in college?

Did your mother charge you rent while you were living with her? Did your grandparent charge you rent? Did you buy all your own food when you were living with your mom and then your grandparents? If the answer to any of these is no, that is not paying your own way.
Yes, I paid rent to both my parents and my grandparents. My grandparents saved the money and gave it back to me when I moved out. I had no idea that was their plan all along.

Yes, I bought my own food. I bought my own clothes. Paid for my own insurance policy - it was 100% in my name, paid for my own gas, paid for my school supplies, etc. I paid my way in life. What is so hard for you to understand? I'm not the first person to do this nor was I the last. My sister worked 3 jobs plus went to school full time for 3 years of college. She wanted out of our parents house. This was the only way she could afford a cheap crappy apartment, but she did it and graduated a semester early even though she changed her major her sophomore year.
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Old 03-10-2016, 03:24 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,278,072 times
Reputation: 8481
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
My parents tried taking my car away from me when I was college because I wasn't doing whatever they wanted. Never mind that I was a full time college student taking 18 credits and worked a full time job. Yes, I've financially been paying for myself since I was 16. That car was registered to my parents as a control mechanism. I had my own insurance policy. I was not on their policy. It was wonderful paying over $3K a year just in car insurance at 18 years old. That was my birthday present the day I turned 18 - to be kicked off their policy. I paid my portion of their bill prior to that.
You bought your own car or did your parents buy it for you?
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Old 03-10-2016, 03:25 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,278,072 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
The OP hasn't mentioned that. The OP also made her daughter dependent on her for tuition and phone.
Yep, and those should never have happened in the first place.
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Old 03-10-2016, 03:28 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,278,072 times
Reputation: 8481
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post



Yes, I paid rent to both my parents and my grandparents. My grandparents saved the money and gave it back to me when I moved out. I had no idea that was their plan all along.

Yes, I bought my own food. I bought my own clothes. Paid for my own insurance policy - it was 100% in my name, paid for my own gas, paid for my school supplies, etc. I paid my way in life. What is so hard for you to understand? I'm not the first person to do this nor was I the last. My sister worked 3 jobs plus went to school full time for 3 years of college. She wanted out of our parents house. This was the only way she could afford a cheap crappy apartment, but she did it and graduated a semester early even though she changed her major her sophomore year.
Just checking. Sometimes people say they paid their own way, but didn't.
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Old 03-10-2016, 03:50 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,645,062 times
Reputation: 33226
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
I think in this case mommy is paying the bills. When the daughter pays her own bills is when mommy belongs out of her business.

Your family was not footing the bill for your cousin to be in the military. You cousin was an independent adult earning his own way.
Bingo.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
My parents tried taking my car away from me when I was college because I wasn't doing whatever they wanted. Never mind that I was a full time college student taking 18 credits and worked a full time job. Yes, I've financially been paying for myself since I was 16. That car was registered to my parents as a control mechanism. I had my own insurance policy. I was not on their policy. It was wonderful paying over $3K a year just in car insurance at 18 years old. That was my birthday present the day I turned 18 - to be kicked off their policy. I paid my portion of their bill prior to that.

No, parents don't have a right to know what their college kids are doing. They're ADULTS. If parents can't handle what their children may or may not be doing, then don't pay for their education.

I know several successful people who slept until noon. They took afternoon and evening classes. They weren't morning people so they didn't take 8 am classes.

Like I said, I don't know anyone who was arrested in college. We obviously run in different crowds. And many parents won't bail their children out. Mine always said they wouldn't bail me out. I also knew I was far safer in a jail cell.
Wrong. Look we get from your many posts you had rotten parents. AGAIN, not everyone did.

OP certainly doesn't sound like one.

If someone is shelling out what is these days almost a yearly salary for most people they have a right to know if their money is being spent wisely. No different than if you invest in a business. You have a right to know if they're making money or about to go under.

As I already mentioned as did another poster some "adults" who have never been away from home before seem to forget they're there to get an education. The parents are paying out big bucks and the "adult" stopped attending classes 3 weeks into the semester. I mentioned the one girl I knew but there were others. They waited till final weeks to withdraw in December so as to avoid getting kicked out of the dorm, when they stopped attending classes in October.

LOL....different crowds. Nice dig. Knowing someone in college who got arrested doesn't mean you ran around with them. I was merely pointing out that when these two girls(they thought they were funny stealing, it wasn't out of need) when they got thrown in jail called mommy and daddy out of state.

Again, how hard is it to call home once a week.
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Old 03-10-2016, 05:08 PM
 
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
4,156 posts, read 2,162,700 times
Reputation: 8091
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
and she never answers her phone either. Then I will text her and ask her to choose a time to talk to me but she doesn't answer that either. I know college kids are famous for that but seems mine is worse than most and when I bug her she will finally answer a text but give me a line about how busy she is. Like she can't answer a simple text? She is getting ready to graduate but I am furious with her attitude that talking to mom doesn't matter at all and I'm thinking seriously of cutting her off the cellphone plan. I have paid for all of her college and was always a good mom and even she says so but doesn't feel the need to connect at all. Also, I do understand that young adults are pulling away and building their own lives but it seems extreme to cut all ties.

Another reason this hurts so much is because I have breast cancer, which I am dealing with holistically rather than the usual conventional treatment, and maybe she's mad b/c she doesn't believe in that, but if that's the case then she surely believes I'll die and she still doesn't want to talk to me? And like, it's my body. I've known about this for 2-1/2 years and I'm doing very well but I didn't feel that I had a lot of support out of either daughter when the news hit. And yet both girls say I am and always have been a fantastic mom and that they had a wonderful childhood. I don't criticize them and their lifestyle and we have fun when we're together but I just don't seem to matter. Their dad left when they were 14 and 16 after he came out gay, so I had nothing to do with the dissolution of the marriage and they never blamed me for that.

How do other parents deal? Is it this extreme for you? How to fix it?
I'm not a parent; however, I would certainly disinherit anyone who did not treat me well. And if you are paying for the phone bills, stop right now.
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Old 03-10-2016, 05:27 PM
 
Location: Howard County, Maryland
1,539 posts, read 1,595,667 times
Reputation: 2426
I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your daughter. My father has cancer and he too is going against medical advice and treating his cancer holistically. Honestly, I'm angry and think he's nuts, frankly. So yes, your daughter may see the writing on the wall that she'll soon be without a mother. You do realize that your job as a parent doesn't end when the kids leave the house? They will need you for the rest of your life and from where I sit with my father, that decision is very selfish. So it may or may not have anything to do with your current relationship issues but thought I'd let you know how your children might be feeling while they watch you allow cancer to kill you. I'm sorry, I know those words are harsh. Your kids likely value your life and wonder why you're not fighting for it.
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Old 03-10-2016, 05:49 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,977 posts, read 98,832,039 times
Reputation: 31386
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
Something doesn't add up here. You paid your way through life since you were 16, but you moved in with your grandparents in college?

Did your mother charge you rent while you were living with her? Did your grandparent charge you rent? Did you buy all your own food when you were living with your mom and then your grandparents? If the answer to any of these is no, that is not paying your own way.
This is off-topic, but I think a lot of people who claim to have supported themselves and put themselves through college, etc, have actually received a lot of help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cjmeck View Post
I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your daughter. My father has cancer and he too is going against medical advice and treating his cancer holistically. Honestly, I'm angry and think he's nuts, frankly. So yes, your daughter may see the writing on the wall that she'll soon be without a mother. You do realize that your job as a parent doesn't end when the kids leave the house? They will need you for the rest of your life and from where I sit with my father, that decision is very selfish. So it may or may not have anything to do with your current relationship issues but thought I'd let you know how your children might be feeling while they watch you allow cancer to kill you. I'm sorry, I know those words are harsh. Your kids likely value your life and wonder why you're not fighting for it.
Oh, for Pity's Sake! Things happen! No one is guaranteed a parent through their 70s, as my DH's brothers have. (DH is a little younger than that.)

Many of the rest of us have had the same problem, and we don't have terminal illnesses. It's young adulthood. The YAs can come up with all sorts of reasons their parents. Someone upthread pointed out that college students are often critical of their parents. The breast cancer issue is in the milieu, but it's not the whole thing.
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Old 03-10-2016, 06:36 PM
 
Location: Central IL
13,372 posts, read 7,135,232 times
Reputation: 31089
If you were my mom I'd be ticked that you were doing holistic and NOT doing conventional treatment on top of that. Holistic by itself is very risky. My mom had cancer my entire high school and I was VERY ready to escape that atmosphere and get out on my own. She's a kid - as a single mom maybe you lean on her too much. She can't prop you up - she's learning to make her own way so let her go. She just might "come back" if you give her space. Good luck with your recovery.
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Old 03-10-2016, 07:46 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,278,072 times
Reputation: 8481
Quote:
Originally Posted by cjmeck View Post
I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your daughter. My father has cancer and he too is going against medical advice and treating his cancer holistically. Honestly, I'm angry and think he's nuts, frankly. So yes, your daughter may see the writing on the wall that she'll soon be without a mother. You do realize that your job as a parent doesn't end when the kids leave the house? They will need you for the rest of your life and from where I sit with my father, that decision is very selfish. So it may or may not have anything to do with your current relationship issues but thought I'd let you know how your children might be feeling while they watch you allow cancer to kill you. I'm sorry, I know those words are harsh. Your kids likely value your life and wonder why you're not fighting for it.
Parents who raised kids with this attitude have made a big mistake. A parent's job is to create an independent, self-supporting, emotionally healthy adult. Their job is not to "be there" for their children at the expense of making their own decisions that they feel are best for them. An adult, whether a child or parent, is allowed to make his or her own personal decisions based On his or her own value system, not the value system of the children or the parents.

Your father is an independent adult, just as you should be, and should make his own decisions towards his health. His body belongs to him, not to his children.
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