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Old 03-06-2016, 05:38 PM
 
1,138 posts, read 1,763,985 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
And like, it's my body.
Duh, it's your body, but you're the mom of two. Their feelings have to matter to some extent here. If they totally disagree w/ how you're handling things then they're angry and terrified.

And totally out of control. If you won't listen/understand anything they're saying about treatment, then they must be pretty mad.

Also, for whatever reason your husband left, the family isn't a cohesive unit which must have meant serious grieving on their part.

My guess is that they're scared and don't want to make happy-happy talk on the phone when something so serious is going down.

Alley
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Old 03-06-2016, 06:50 PM
 
10,427 posts, read 7,517,814 times
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I have a dear friend from school with whom I finally reunited and discovered she has Stage IV... HOWEVER she went to Mexico and has been doing....not really holistic but not conventional either. Anyway, you probably know all about that route. Not cheap by any means. But it's interesting - energy work is pretty amazing. (ETA: she's doing well)

Your daughter is being selfish and insensitive for not talking to you - illness or not. I hope she's not into something that she's trying to keep from you. I'd have to talk to the school and see if her grades/records are on the up and up. She's making her own decisions - she will have to live with the consequences.

I have a son who rarely, if ever, calls me. HOWEVER, I occasionally text and say "please let me know you're doing okay" and he usually gives me a one or two word text "I am" etc. Yesterday he texted me "I just got pepper sprayed" I had to call him on that one. LOL He's military and volunteering with the Security Forces at his base. I told him at least he wasn't in hand cuffs.

I guarantee if she needed money she'd be calling you! (That would be my OTHER son! Who would be pepper sprayed for all the wrong reasons!)
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Old 03-06-2016, 07:07 PM
 
Location: Northern VA (for now)
23,036 posts, read 32,022,062 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
I have a dear friend from school with whom I finally reunited and discovered she has Stage IV... HOWEVER she went to Mexico and has been doing....not really holistic but not conventional either. Anyway, you probably know all about that route. Not cheap by any means. But it's interesting - energy work is pretty amazing. (ETA: she's doing well)

Your daughter is being selfish and insensitive for not talking to you - illness or not. I hope she's not into something that she's trying to keep from you. I'd have to talk to the school and see if her grades/records are on the up and up. She's making her own decisions - she will have to live with the consequences.

I have a son who rarely, if ever, calls me. HOWEVER, I occasionally text and say "please let me know you're doing okay" and he usually gives me a one or two word text "I am" etc. Yesterday he texted me "I just got pepper sprayed" I had to call him on that one. LOL He's military and volunteering with the Security Forces at his base. I told him at least he wasn't in hand cuffs.

I guarantee if she needed money she'd be calling you! (That would be my OTHER son! Who would be pepper sprayed for all the wrong reasons!)
Everything that I bolded you could very easily say the mother is doing also. Many could say that the OP is selfish for not more aggressively pursing treatment for her cancer. I just think that as a parent who has a child who depends on you heavily, you would have a moral obligation to leave no stone unturned to make sure you can stay around for as long as possible. The mom made her decision to not pursue conventional treatment. Her daughter possibly having a negative opinion that mom is content with possibly dying soon and leaving her is a consequence of the mother's choice.

Last edited by The Dissenter; 03-06-2016 at 08:11 PM..
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Old 03-06-2016, 08:00 PM
 
Location: Buckeye, AZ
25,449 posts, read 14,546,256 times
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Let me say this, I was MUCH closer with my mother than most and talked to her at the very least every other day and I honestly hated talking on the phone though I have gotten a little more comfortable with it over time. That said I agree that it is likely a coping mechanism and while yes it sucks, maybe she is dealing with in a more healthier way than drinking it away or getting high like many young adults would do. I had two grandparents die of cancer before I was born; a grandma (my mother's mother) that I have vivid memories of her funeral right before my third birthday due to complications of diabetes; an uncle die after a brief fight with lung cancer; and the only grandparent I remember as alive, my father's father having so many health issues by the time he eventually died, my brother and ask "Did he die" when they came home about 10pm when he went in the hospital for the last time on the last Wednesday in April in 2004. Everyone copes with the inveitable differently. It does suck she wont talk or return calls but you have to take a step back and look at her prospective rather than being butt-hurt over it.
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Old 03-06-2016, 08:06 PM
gg
 
Location: Pittsburgh
17,023 posts, read 17,229,807 times
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Just a typical young person today. Totally selfish. Nothing anyone can do.
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Old 03-06-2016, 08:16 PM
 
Location: Buckeye, AZ
25,449 posts, read 14,546,256 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gg View Post
Just a typical young person today. Totally selfish. Nothing anyone can do.
Why is it instantly on them? I think there is more to the story and it isn't just selfish issues with the OP's college aged daughter. I wonder if it is how the mother is handling their illness and the daughter's disapproval, the daughter trying to convince a bull-headed (selfish) mother, or she is trying to distance herself as coping mechanism and throwing herself into her studies. I apologize if I sound harsh OP but I don't think it is a selfish daughter and likely a mix of at least two of the reasons I posted. Please tell us if there is any known issues dealing with these in the past that can give us a clearer picture.
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Old 03-06-2016, 08:51 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
3,995 posts, read 2,981,237 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
I hope she's not into something that she's trying to keep from you. I'd have to talk to the school and see if her grades/records are on the up and up.
The daughter is an adult, so this would be crossing a line - except the university can't release information about adult students without a release from the student, anyway.

This is also a very busy and intellectually demanding time of year for the average university student, especially a senior getting ready to graduate, who is currently dealing with both midterms, possibly a senior thesis, and more than likely a job search. While it's very unlikely the kid literally has zero minutes to return texts, if she finds dealing with family to be stressful or discombobulating, this would not be a surprising time for her to be focusing her energy elsewhere.
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Old 03-06-2016, 10:54 PM
 
Location: North West Arkansas (zone 6b)
2,489 posts, read 1,722,579 times
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What is the track record for holistically treating breast cancer? have you looked into "Trastuzumab" it works on her2 positive BC and has virtually no chemo side effects (created by Roche).

kids don't like to communicate by phone.

have you reached out to your daughter via instagram? we keep in touch with our daughter via instagram and it seems like she's upstairs because she responds almost in real time.

I'm 51 and have trouble speaking with my mom too. I have to remember to call her once a month but sometimes life gets in the way and I forget.
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Old 03-06-2016, 11:05 PM
 
Location: Dothan AL
1,450 posts, read 804,659 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
and she never answers her phone either. Then I will text her and ask her to choose a time to talk to me but she doesn't answer that either. I know college kids are famous for that but seems mine is worse than most and when I bug her she will finally answer a text but give me a line about how busy she is. Like she can't answer a simple text? She is getting ready to graduate but I am furious with her attitude that talking to mom doesn't matter at all and I'm thinking seriously of cutting her off the cellphone plan. I have paid for all of her college and was always a good mom and even she says so but doesn't feel the need to connect at all. Also, I do understand that young adults are pulling away and building their own lives but it seems extreme to cut all ties.
You need to take her off the cell phone plan. Try to treat her more like a friend. i know this is hard; I went though this twice, more with my older daughter. She was very independent, and once she realized I had changed the rules, and my way of relating to her, she came around and changed. I stopped referring to my home as her home. I let her know I was not going to help her unless she was helping herself; it was my choice and she was a grown-up and had to take responsibility for our relationship as much as i had to take responsibility. It worked out fine.

With my younger daughter all this was slower, we changed our relationship slower. It all depends on the kid.
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Old 03-06-2016, 11:17 PM
 
Location: Finland
6,319 posts, read 5,241,150 times
Reputation: 10156
Seems like there's quite a few reasons she's not calling you.

Firstly some people just don't call their parents regularly once they leave home - I go months without calling my mum, or her calling me, and I never call my dad (I speak to both of them on skype once in a blue moon) but we're still very close, especially me and mum, but that doesn't mean we need to talk all that much.

But the breast cancer thing might be the main reason. I would be very upset and angry if one of my parents became ill with something like that and refused to treat it properly, and I would probably distance myself so it wouldn't hurt so much, which I think is quite a common reaction.
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