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Old 03-06-2016, 10:35 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,962 posts, read 98,795,031 times
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I don't agree with the advice to not call the DD. My feeling on this, with my own daughter, is that would just play into her hands. She'd say I don't call her either, so why should I complain about her. Now I know my kid. Maybe it would be different for another kid.
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Old 03-07-2016, 04:00 AM
 
3,279 posts, read 3,756,513 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gg View Post
Just a typical young person today. Totally selfish. Nothing anyone can do.
Amen to that. (I am assuming the mother isn't expecting something crazy like daily contact, maybe once every 1-2 weeks or so.)

All of this nonsense I'm always seeing of "I don't like talking on the phone?" Who cares what you don't like? Do it anyway whether you like it or not, out of respect for your parents, or you're a first-class selfish jerk as far as I'm concerned, especially when your parent is fighting cancer (in whatever way she's doing it that you don't agree with) and when she's paying your phone bill.

And this whole thing of "she's busy?" Again, so? Besides, I have always observed that people who are "busy" are never that way during a certain stage, they ALWAYS are. It's just an excuse. Right now she's "busy" with schoolwork. Later she will be "busy" with graduation. Later she'll be "busy" looking a job. Then she'll be "busy" at her job. Then she'll be "busy" moving into her new place. Then she'll be "busy" with her engagement plans. Then she'll be "busy" with her wedding plans. Then she'll be "busy" due to her pregnancy. Then she'll be "busy" with the new baby because it requires night-time feedings. Then she'll be "busy" with her child who is 2 and IS sleeping through the night--ok, wait until the kids start school and aren't home all the time. Oops, now she's "busy" with her children being IN school. Then she's "busy" with her children's after-school activities. Then she's "busy" with her children graduating from high school. Then she's "busy" with her kids going off to college, and now her kids are too "busy" for her.

People who are supposedly "busy" are ALWAYS "busy," it's just an excuse most times, and as the ending of the above example suggests, they'll ultimately reap what they sew--except they'll probably be too "busy" to even notice.
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Old 03-07-2016, 05:20 AM
 
4,938 posts, read 2,563,814 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
I don't agree with the advice to not call the DD.
I don't agree with it either.

I saw the Trailer for Ricki and the Flash starring Meryl Streep---one line in that Trailer popped out at me like a bullet, I don't remember who said it to the character but the line was: "it is your job to love your children, not their job to love you".

I found the line so powerful and so much truth to it.
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Old 03-07-2016, 06:22 AM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,457 posts, read 16,408,211 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
I don't agree with the advice to not call the DD. My feeling on this, with my own daughter, is that would just play into her hands. She'd say I don't call her either, so why should I complain about her. Now I know my kid. Maybe it would be different for another kid.
Not different for my ked--she did say it the other night until I pointed out that I had made the last phone call and left a message but she didn't pick up. This was via text.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GiGi603 View Post
I don't agree with it either.

I saw the Trailer for Ricki and the Flash starring Meryl Streep---one line in that Trailer popped out at me like a bullet, I don't remember who said it to the character but the line was: "it is your job to love your children, not their job to love you".

I found the line so powerful and so much truth to it.
I do agree with this but dang it hurts. No, what hurts is that she was supposed to call me last night but got "busy" because she was with her dad. The one that walked away from her and barely saw her after he left but now his home is closer to hers b/c of where her university is and now he's all settled in with his new spouse so he has more time for her.
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Old 03-07-2016, 08:24 AM
 
4,938 posts, read 2,563,814 times
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Originally Posted by stepka View Post
I do agree with this but dang it hurts. No, what hurts is that she was supposed to call me last night but got "busy" because she was with her dad.
I understand completely. Your feelings get hurt. It is a stab in the heart. My oldest son is "always busy". If I really need him I have his brother call him and he normally answers At least he is concerned about his brother's well being.

Yes, I get my feelings hurt, but I try really hard to not take it personally. I always think kids always know that Mom has unconditional love and the siblings and father they are never quite sure. So it they rock the boat with them they might get pushed off but they know their Mom would never do that. You can't compare her relationship with her father to your relationship with her. It really doesn't measure love.

I think in time she will come around. My oldest wrote me the sweetest letter last year that makes me cry every time I read it. They care more than they seem. Hang in there...
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Old 03-07-2016, 12:35 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,276,519 times
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You seem to have a pattern of enabling other people to poorly and then making excuses for them. You did it with the short term boyfriend and you are doing it with your daughter. I'm guessing you did it with your ex also, as well as other people in your life.
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Old 03-07-2016, 12:36 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,276,519 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GiGi603 View Post
I always think kids always know that Mom has unconditional love and the siblings and father they are never quite sure. So it they rock the boat with them they might get pushed off but they know their Mom would never do that. You can't compare her relationship with her father to your relationship with her. It really doesn't measure love.
Unconditional love- translation: unhealthy, co-dependent, enabling behavior.
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Old 03-07-2016, 01:51 PM
 
Location: Cary NC
1,042 posts, read 1,360,642 times
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If I haven't heard from my daughter who lives out of state or my one in college I send them a text or email that says are you still alive?? They always respond and assure me they are ok just busy and usually will follow up with a phone call within a few days. My son is in the same town as us, so see and talk to him all the time.
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Old 03-07-2016, 02:29 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
17,568 posts, read 21,748,544 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
and she never answers her phone either. Then I will text her and ask her to choose a time to talk to me but she doesn't answer that either. I know college kids are famous for that but seems mine is worse than most and when I bug her she will finally answer a text but give me a line about how busy she is. Like she can't answer a simple text? She is getting ready to graduate but I am furious with her attitude that talking to mom doesn't matter at all and I'm thinking seriously of cutting her off the cellphone plan. I have paid for all of her college and was always a good mom and even she says so but doesn't feel the need to connect at all. Also, I do understand that young adults are pulling away and building their own lives but it seems extreme to cut all ties.

Another reason this hurts so much is because I have breast cancer, which I am dealing with holistically rather than the usual conventional treatment, and maybe she's mad b/c she doesn't believe in that, but if that's the case then she surely believes I'll die and she still doesn't want to talk to me? And like, it's my body. I've known about this for 2-1/2 years and I'm doing very well but I didn't feel that I had a lot of support out of either daughter when the news hit. And yet both girls say I am and always have been a fantastic mom and that they had a wonderful childhood. I don't criticize them and their lifestyle and we have fun when we're together but I just don't seem to matter. Their dad left when they were 14 and 16 after he came out gay, so I had nothing to do with the dissolution of the marriage and they never blamed me for that.

How do other parents deal? Is it this extreme for you? How to fix it?

I understand what it's like to await that call. There are so many ways for kids to contact us these days - Facebook, text, phone, Skype - but they don't always do that.

I have two away at college - 700 and 900 miles away. They call reluctantly and usually when they have something to brag about or they need something.

My mother was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer when I was a Sophomore in college. This did not cause me to call her more. It frightened me. She frightened me. And the treatment available was "too gruesome" for her to endure. Even though she had four kids. That upset me.

I do empathize with you about the calling. I still did call home once a week on Sunday nights from the pay phone in the hall. But, anything more than that was not something that I was able to do.

You and your daughter are in my prayers.
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Old 03-07-2016, 02:59 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
3,978 posts, read 2,964,648 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
No, what hurts is that she was supposed to call me last night but got "busy" because she was with her dad. The one that walked away from her and barely saw her after he left but now his home is closer to hers b/c of where her university is and now he's all settled in with his new spouse so he has more time for her.
Well, no matter how douchey the host is, it is rude to make a chatty phone call to someone else while you are a guest, or while you are out with them.
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