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Old 03-07-2016, 04:49 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,060,649 times
Reputation: 51113

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Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
I understand what it's like to await that call. There are so many ways for kids to contact us these days - Facebook, text, phone, Skype - but they don't always do that.

I have two away at college - 700 and 900 miles away. They call reluctantly and usually when they have something to brag about or they need something.

My mother was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer when I was a Sophomore in college. This did not cause me to call her more. It frightened me. She frightened me. And the treatment available was "too gruesome" for her to endure. Even though she had four kids. That upset me.

I do empathize with you about the calling. I still did call home once a week on Sunday nights from the pay phone in the hall. But, anything more than that was not something that I was able to do.

You and your daughter are in my prayers.
That brings back memories. When I was a girl my big sister used to call home every Thursday night at 6 PM from the pay phone in the hall at her dormitory. Several years later my brother would also call once a week at a scheduled time (I recall that he called Sunday at 5 PM). And, of course they would reverse the long distance charges.

Just imagine telling a college student today that their only way to give and receive messages was by the pay phone in the hallway of their dorm. One phone was shared by 20 to 30 students. If someone wanted to call you on the phone you had to hope that someone was willing to go into the hallway and answer the phone and either take a message for you or try to find you. Often during the day, while students were in classes or at the library, no one was there to answer the phone. Again, late at night, students were sleeping so no one would answer the phone.

BTW, it was very common for students to live in a dorm for all four years of college. Some colleges even required it. So, it was the shared dorm hall way pay phone or writing letters to communicate.
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Old 03-07-2016, 05:27 PM
 
13,754 posts, read 13,260,188 times
Reputation: 26020
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
Unconditional love- translation: unhealthy, co-dependent, enabling behavior.
No way, man! Who taught you about love?
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Old 03-07-2016, 05:46 PM
 
Location: Southern Illinois
10,364 posts, read 20,757,242 times
Reputation: 15643
I had some great responses on here and some folks said things so lovely it brought tears to my eyes. There are some truly kind people on this forum--people who understand that we all do the best we can with what we have.

That said, there are some really mean spirited ones as well and those who know nothing about walking in my shoes so much as an inch, much less a mile. I esp love the ones about me choosing to forego treatment. Uh, no. I went out and hired a board certified internist with an MD behind his name and put myself in his hands. Believe me, it has involved more than a diet change and a handful of herbs every day. Someone mentioned the 100% cure rate for breast cancer if done conventionally? LOL, in whose dreams? The 100% death rate for those who choose holistic? It seems some of you are hoping I'll drop dead just to prove your point and I know at least 10 people who do disprove your point. Those who suggested that I had caught it early so I'm be stooopid to not do conventional. Where did I say that? I was thought to be stage III at dx with grade 2, meaning moderately fast growing. If my holistic therapy hadn't worked I'd be dead or on my deathbed by now and my tumor would have grown quite a lot, or be fungated, as someone gleefully suggested. Chemo doesn't have much efficacy with the type of tumor I have. Trotting out Steve Jobs' name just makes me laugh (sadly). I could name 100 more people who've died with conventional treatment. Not that I think it's worthless--just not for me. What it all comes down to is that we have to believe in what we're doing to treat it and if you all think that's new age hooey dooey then consider what drug companies have to go thru to test around the placebo effect and they even have to do double blind studies to get around having the doctor's beliefs. There's also a nocebo effect, meaning if you think the treatment will hurt you, it probably will. Well guess what. . . ? I would never ever tell someone how they should go about getting health care and I don't believe my choices are better than anyone else's. They are right for me. Some of you could do me at least the same courtesy--I'm not a stupid person with airy fairy pie in the sky dreams.

The most bitter accusation of all on here was that about my selfishness and that came more than once. Selfish is not a word that describes me. When I got this dx, I was a first year teacher who'd just moved down to this rural area to work at a very economically challenged school. There was no one to lead me thru the paperwork on my new job and I was absolutely overwhelmed by all of it. Then I got the dx and just about had a nervous breakdown from all the work and now this. Called my family but no one came. There were only 3 people to call anyway. Scheduled surgery and chemo but wondered who was going to help me thru this? Who was going to come and stay the 2-4 weeks that I was going to need someone to help me in and out of the shower and cook meals and let the dog out? My brother sure as hell wasn't going to do it and he's a pilot anyway. One of my girls would have had to drop out of college or the other would have had to quit a job and they would have had to move down here, a place they hate. I chose not to put them thru that, after furtively checking to see if they'd even be willing to do it. If that makes me selfish then I'm the biggest ass in the world. Somehow I don't believe that though. Gawd, why don't people think before they post such things?
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Old 03-07-2016, 05:50 PM
 
Location: Southern Illinois
10,364 posts, read 20,757,242 times
Reputation: 15643
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
You seem to have a pattern of enabling other people to poorly and then making excuses for them. You did it with the short term boyfriend and you are doing it with your daughter. I'm guessing you did it with your ex also, as well as other people in your life.
You again! The self appointed expert on relationships, parenting, and apparently. . . me. Don't you have anything better to do than following me around on these boards?
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Old 03-07-2016, 06:56 PM
 
Location: Georgia
4,578 posts, read 5,644,040 times
Reputation: 15968
Well, let's separate the distancing your daughter is imposing on your relationship from your need to punish your daughter for not responding.

You can't make people respond to you. The only thing you can do is leave the door open and hope that they will step through it occasionally. Yes, you paid for her schooling. Did you make weekly contact a condition of that schooling? Probably not. Yes, it would be nice if she were more thoughtful. I'm sure that's a disappointment. And you're probably wondering, deep down, if this is the beginning of the end of a meaningful relationship with your daughter. I don't know your daughter, so I can't speak to that.

Again, the only thing you can do is leave the door open.

You could cut off her cell phone, but at this point, it's going to look like petty revenge, since she's been getting away with it for a while, now. It would cost her money she probably doesn't have to replace it, at a time when she is hopefully job-hunting and needs a way to communicate to prospective employers, etc. When my daughter was in high school, we had an agreement that she would text at certain times to let me know when she was on her way home, when she had arrived at a friend's house, if she was going to be working late, etc. One week, she kept "forgetting" to let me know. After a week of that, I calmly had her phone temporarily disconnected. She was surprised and furious, but as I calmly explained to her, her phone was for MY convenience in communicating with HER. If she wasn't going to use it for its intended purpose -- then what did she need a phone for? Funny, her memory sharply improved after that. :-) The excuse that your daughter doesn't respond because she is "busy" and "job-hunting" is pretty much b.s., as far as I'm concerned. They make time for things that are important to them -- boys, bars, parties, weekend trips, cramming for tests, etc. I'm sure it hurts that you don't feel you rank as important enough to make time for.

At this point, your daughter is an adult, so you need to speak to her as an adult: When she visits in a few weeks, sit down and tell her matter-of-factly that you are reworking your budget and unfortunately will no longer be able to pay for her cell phone after June 1st. That gives her a couple of months to shop for a new phone. Don't pull the "I'm taking your phone away because you're not talking to me" guilt trip. It just creates resentment.
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Old 03-07-2016, 07:01 PM
 
1,038 posts, read 899,916 times
Reputation: 1730
Mother - no news is good news.
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Old 03-07-2016, 07:11 PM
 
15,534 posts, read 15,555,642 times
Reputation: 21890
This isn't surprising, but sad, since you have your health issue.

When I was in school, we weren't allowed to have our own phones (this is pre-smartphones) and you were called down to the dorm phone, which most people were happy about.

Sure, I would have cut off her cell long ago. But I would be very clear about why. And I think you should put it broadly, not just in terms of you, but as a larger point about manners. Unfortunately, at this last point, it may not make a big impression.

I wonder if part of the problem is that you don't criticize.
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Old 03-07-2016, 07:26 PM
 
Location: Southern Illinois
10,364 posts, read 20,757,242 times
Reputation: 15643
Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga View Post
You can't make people respond to you. The only thing you can do is leave the door open and hope that they will step through it occasionally. Yes, you paid for her schooling. Did you make weekly contact a condition of that schooling? Probably not. Yes, it would be nice if she were more thoughtful. I'm sure that's a disappointment. And you're probably wondering, deep down, if this is the beginning of the end of a meaningful relationship with your daughter. I don't know your daughter, so I can't speak to that.
That's exactly what I'm worried about. I probably will take your advice too about sitting her down and telling her calmly that I'm disappointed not to hear from her and that I will let her take over phone payments in June--I like that better than blowing up at her. She is a very bright girl and was valedictorian of her class, but unfortunately she's a bit of a shlt too and kind of arrogant and so I think a lot of this is lack of respect. I can handle the no phone calls, though that hurts, but when she can't even be bothered to text back and let me know that she will call back and that she's okay or something--that's like a smack in the face.
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Old 03-07-2016, 07:28 PM
 
1,038 posts, read 899,916 times
Reputation: 1730
Heres what people forget imo:


our job as parents is not to raise a little apron string buddy for life


our job as parents is to raise decent contributing human beings.


If they don't call home while out doing what we always dreamed they would do, well, its barely a problem at all. Or should I say, its OUR problem, not theirs.


Mom you should be Proud not Worried.
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Old 03-07-2016, 08:34 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
6,895 posts, read 5,830,845 times
Reputation: 23410
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
She is a very bright girl and was valedictorian of her class, but unfortunately she's a bit of a shlt too and kind of arrogant and so I think a lot of this is lack of respect. .
I can't imagine why she doesn't want to call very often, lol.
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