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Old 03-05-2016, 07:57 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,484 posts, read 16,465,460 times
Reputation: 13205

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and she never answers her phone either. Then I will text her and ask her to choose a time to talk to me but she doesn't answer that either. I know college kids are famous for that but seems mine is worse than most and when I bug her she will finally answer a text but give me a line about how busy she is. Like she can't answer a simple text? She is getting ready to graduate but I am furious with her attitude that talking to mom doesn't matter at all and I'm thinking seriously of cutting her off the cellphone plan. I have paid for all of her college and was always a good mom and even she says so but doesn't feel the need to connect at all. Also, I do understand that young adults are pulling away and building their own lives but it seems extreme to cut all ties.

Another reason this hurts so much is because I have breast cancer, which I am dealing with holistically rather than the usual conventional treatment, and maybe she's mad b/c she doesn't believe in that, but if that's the case then she surely believes I'll die and she still doesn't want to talk to me? And like, it's my body. I've known about this for 2-1/2 years and I'm doing very well but I didn't feel that I had a lot of support out of either daughter when the news hit. And yet both girls say I am and always have been a fantastic mom and that they had a wonderful childhood. I don't criticize them and their lifestyle and we have fun when we're together but I just don't seem to matter. Their dad left when they were 14 and 16 after he came out gay, so I had nothing to do with the dissolution of the marriage and they never blamed me for that.

How do other parents deal? Is it this extreme for you? How to fix it?
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Old 03-05-2016, 08:08 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,528 posts, read 16,025,498 times
Reputation: 39000
Is this something new? If yes, it may be because she really is busy trying to get everything finished before she graduates and is job hunting, etc. etc.


If it is not new, and she does not return your call or text within a reasonable amount of time, perhaps a few hours or the next day if she was at work or had a legitimate reason to delay then IMHO she is disrespecting you. When she is at home visiting you how long does she wait to return a friends call or text? The same amount of time or does she do it immediately?


Other parents may disagree with me, but IMHO if she can't even set a time to talk to her own mother on the phone than perhaps Mom shouldn't be paying for the cell phone plan, or any other expenses either.


How often does she actually talk with you? Ideally, how often would you like to talk with her?
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Old 03-05-2016, 08:14 PM
 
1,609 posts, read 2,963,626 times
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First, I'm sorry you are sick but this is normal. Her way of coping with the fact that there is a chance you will be dead in a short amount of time probably scares the crap out of her. I would do the same thing when I was young. When she was faced with bad things did she distance herself when she was a kid?

As for the cell phone thing. Stop being a petty child about that. Yes, I'm scolding you about that.

Make her sit down with you face to face. How? I have no idea because I don't now you two but there has to be some way. Talk things out and go from there.
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Old 03-05-2016, 08:30 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,528 posts, read 16,025,498 times
Reputation: 39000
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms_Christina View Post
First, I'm sorry you are sick but this is normal. Her way of coping with the fact that there is a chance you will be dead in a short amount of time probably scares the crap out of her. I would do the same thing when I was young. When she was faced with bad things did she distance herself when she was a kid?.
I disagree. Her daughter is not a kid she is a young adult in her early 20s and I really doubt that she is not returning Mom's calls because she is afraid.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms_Christina View Post

As for the cell phone thing. Stop being a petty child about that. Yes, I'm scolding you about that.

IMHO, a parent is under no obligation to pay for their adult child's college education nor pay for her adult daughter's cell phone plan. If the daughter is that rude that she won't even return her Mom's phone calls why should Mom feel obligated to pay the bill?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms_Christina View Post

Make her sit down with you face to face. How? I have no idea because I don't now you two but there has to be some way. Talk things out and go from there.

I agree that it is best to talk it out face to face.
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Old 03-05-2016, 08:46 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,484 posts, read 16,465,460 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Is this something new? If yes, it may be because she really is busy trying to get everything finished before she graduates and is job hunting, etc. etc.


If it is not new, and she does not return your call or text within a reasonable amount of time, perhaps a few hours or the next day if she was at work or had a legitimate reason to delay then IMHO she is disrespecting you. When she is at home visiting you how long does she wait to return a friends call or text? The same amount of time or does she do it immediately?


Other parents may disagree with me, but IMHO if she can't even set a time to talk to her own mother on the phone than perhaps Mom shouldn't be paying for the cell phone plan, or any other expenses either.


How often does she actually talk with you? Ideally, how often would you like to talk with her?
Yes Germaine, you just put your finger on it. I think it is disrespect--feels very much like it. If I didn't bug her about this, which I hate to bug someone to talk to me (feels desperate), she would never call. Ideally I'd like to talk to her about once/week. When I call her sis, she will text back if she can't talk but she doesn't initiate much either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms_Christina View Post
First, I'm sorry you are sick but this is normal. Her way of coping with the fact that there is a chance you will be dead in a short amount of time probably scares the crap out of her. I would do the same thing when I was young. When she was faced with bad things did she distance herself when she was a kid?

As for the cell phone thing. Stop being a petty child about that. Yes, I'm scolding you about that.

Make her sit down with you face to face. How? I have no idea because I don't now you two but there has to be some way. Talk things out and go from there.
I will see her in a couple of weeks when we all get together for her sis's b-day but that may not be a good time. Besides, when I confront her about matters of the heart she will ferociously defend herself, even if her argument is totally irrational. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I won't be dead anytime soon--I look and feel better than I have in years. As a child, I don't know that she distanced herself from pain but she refused to feel it. She had to get a shot going into kindergarten and she just clamped down--she would not cry. They said they'd never seen anything like it.

As for the cell phone thing--if she is going to blow me off, why should I pay for it? I've threatened to take it away before, when she was in high school and wouldn't answer my texts or phone calls and now she's 21. Child support has stopped and I make less than $30K/year as a new teacher.
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Old 03-05-2016, 10:44 PM
 
12,939 posts, read 19,867,704 times
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My kids ran the gamut while at college, from one who called almost nightly to one we rarely heard from. But if he didn't answer his phone (most of the time), I would text him and ask him to call when he had a chance. Eventually he always did, but I didn't watch the clock or the calendar to see how long it took, I just assumed he would check in when he had the time.

Speaking for my own, they hate talking on the phone, so I always kept the conversations short, and focused on what was going on in their lives. Is there anybody else you can get the emotional support you need? Honestly, I think college kids are so wrapped up in their own worlds, they don't give a whole lot of thought to those at home. I also think it gets better after graduation, when they are no longer surrounded by all their friends.

I wouldn't cut off her cell service while she's still in school. It's a safety consideration, and an important one imo. She's graduating shortly, at that time you can pull back on the extra support as a logical step towards being an independent adult.
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Old 03-06-2016, 03:00 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,873 posts, read 18,993,907 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms_Christina View Post
First, I'm sorry you are sick but this is normal. Her way of coping with the fact that there is a chance you will be dead in a short amount of time probably scares the crap out of her. I would do the same thing when I was young. When she was faced with bad things did she distance herself when she was a kid?

As for the cell phone thing. Stop being a petty child about that. Yes, I'm scolding you about that.

Make her sit down with you face to face. How? I have no idea because I don't now you two but there has to be some way. Talk things out and go from there.
I think that's a point worth considering. If your daughter really disapproves of how you're handling your medical care and she feels powerless to do anything except wait for you to die in pain, she may be too upset to talk to you often. I'm almost 40 and I can barely speak to my mom right now because I disapprove of how she's caring for my dad...every time I see her number on the caller ID, I figure she's calling to tell me he's died some grotesquely painful death from lack of supervision. It's been going on for a couple of years and I can't deal with the stress anymore. I've spent the last six months dealing with severe depression and I finally realized all the meds in the world aren't going to make me feel okay about my parents' situation and the only way I can deal with it is to put some distance between myself and the situation. Every time I talk to my mom, I get a migraine that lasts three days. I have my phone set not to ring when she calls or texts, and I took FB messenger off my phone and tablet, so that I can control how often I see her messages, because I can't handle the stress.

Of course, it could just be that your daughter is busy or stressed about other things, and she knows that you'll know she cares whether she calls or not, so she figures she'll communicate with you when she has time.
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Old 03-06-2016, 03:32 AM
 
7,880 posts, read 6,691,569 times
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Just send her a post card and tell her of your illness , and ask her to pray for you , the phone my not be the only communication
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Old 03-06-2016, 06:59 AM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,484 posts, read 16,465,460 times
Reputation: 13205
Quote:
Originally Posted by hljc View Post
Just send her a post card and tell her of your illness , and ask her to pray for you , the phone my not be the only communication
We've known about my illness for 2-1/2 years. Both girls had the attitude that I could just go to the doctor and get it fixed.
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Old 03-06-2016, 07:02 AM
 
4,970 posts, read 2,585,767 times
Reputation: 22114
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post

How do other parents deal? Is it this extreme for you? How to fix it?
It may be that she doesn't know how to handle the breast cancer situation. So not talking to you is easier for her to deal with than hearing your voice.

I have three kids. Two are talkative the other one has always been reserved. I am always shocked if he actually answers my phone calls. Now that he is 30, he will call me once a week. When he was still in college I would continue to call him every week, the conversations were short and distant. It tore my heart but I wasn't going to give up on him. I refused to give him the guilt---my mil would be horrible with my husband about him not calling her. My husband would hate calling his mother for the fact that he was guilted into it. I feel good that I was patient with my son and now he will initiate the calls once a week or at least return my call once a week. Hey it took 10 years but whoa he finally talks to me on the phone!

Personally I wouldn't confront her. She is making her way through life, not the easiest thing to do when one is in their 20's.

Long ago when my sons were toddlers I read a parenting book---the page that always stuck in my head was:
"love them when they least deserved to be loved". Maybe add "pay their cell phone bill even when they don't call you".
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