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My issue is the fact that he has access to material that's strictly for adults (18+). I never understood why American parents pay for their children to have open unfettered access to the world wide Web. We buy the phones and the tablets and pay monthly for Internet access. Then, we feign outrage when we discover our children watching porn or other things that shatter their innocence. If you hand a 5 year old a cellphone eventually they will stumble across a porn site via a word typed into a search engine. Im sorry if I went off on a tangent. I feel that your son has already shown you what his interests are in. You can't out that genie back in the bottle . He will be fine knowing his parents accept him for who he is.
I came out at age 14, in 9th grade. The way it happened was my mom came to me and said 'I get the impression you've been dropping hints that you might be gay. I want you to know that is okay; I just want you to know you don't have to hide your identity from us'. To me, at that time, those were the most comforting and supportive words I could have heard. Luckily she knew when to say that - a year earlier and I would've been terrified; a year later and I might've been offended. As a parent you just have to tune into your child's feelings - one thing that a lot of parents (or family of a gay person) don't understand is...they might know of your being gay and be fine with it, but that person who is gay might not yet be fine with it. And that's something that's going to take some time. For everyone.
When I was that age I needed to experiment with what I needed in order to figure out who I was. Unfortunately all that was available was pornography and there was a men's sauna downtown the was rumoured to have a gay following. If I could have wished for something different during those years it would have been to figure these things out without using pornography because it can give you very warped messages about body image, what to expect, what a gay man is supposed to look like vs what they really look like, and can even drive you to eating disorders. Too many young people now see those images and are either 1) insistent that whoever they meet look just like those in the photos - and their perception of fantasy/reality is screwed up; or 2) they think they have to look like that in order to meet anyone or even deserve love. Today it's so easy for those under 18 to access those images, and some of that is just curiosity but with young gay people, because so much of our identity is still underground and secret, it's the only link to feeling normal if only for 20 minutes. As long as he can eventually go out and meet other gay kids his age I don't think you have anything to worry about. And of course he might just be curious and not be even gay....that's a possibility too.
But again, it's a delicate thing. I was lucky to have a mom and dad who didn't freak out or humiliate me at that age. As I got older and met other gay men, I discovered I was one of a very very few who had that kind of luck.
Remember, he's only 13. And given what he told you, he may need some time - months, maybe even years - to come to terms with his sexuality. Even in a supportive family in an area with significant social support for LGBT kids, he's undoubtedly seen enough vitriol directed towards gays to give him pause if he is gay.
Our older son came out three years ago. He was 16, less than three months shy of his 17th birthday. Fortunately, even though we didn't see it coming, it was clear that my wife and I were fully supportive of LGBT rights (it just happened that in the previous year, we'd been involved in a political campaign where the issue was at the fore). And we live in a community that is quite pro-LGBT. It was still a big step for him.
Let him come out to you on his own terms. Love him. Give him the environment where he can work through it in whatever way works for him (remember, everyone is different). Don't tell him you know what you know. But maybe he'll pick up on it. Even if it's unspoken, that can be a reassurance for him.
Oh, and as for the porn? Well, he's a male teenager. Par for the course. When I was that age, half the boys in the neighborhood had a Dad with a stash of Playboys or Penthouses (and worse) somewhere. And at least one issue out of the stash was under the mattress of the kid.
I'm sorry, but I don't subscribe to this pseudo-intellectual semi-retarded discourse on so-called "modern sexuality". If you are watching gay porn and trying to pass yourself off as straight, it's called being in the closet.
You can live in denial as long as you want. It really makes no difference to me.
As for the OP, taking your foolish advice and desperately trying to adhere to the notion that her son might just be a confused heterosexual is just as damaging to both him and her as the antiquated idea of believing that gay people can somehow be "cured" or that being gay is a choice.
Its not pseudo-intellectual nor is it modern. Its a FACT that human sexuality is a spectrum not an either/or. Now maybe YOU are on the very end of the spectrum but MOST people are not.
You know what's dangerous? Believing everything you think instead of learning facts.
OMG lovingMom this situation happened to me as well!! Only I was your son. But my Mom found some rather adult sites in my internet history...
It was truly humiliating and scary, please do not make him feel bad about it.
I reacted the same as your son, I started to cry.... I was truly panicked. I actually thought about taking my own life I was so embarrassed.
The best advice I can tell you is please just tell him it's OK if he's gay. Just tell him "if you are gay, that's OK, I will still love you and nothing will change..." "and if you're not gay but just curious that's OK too... please know I love you ...and no matter who u end up liking or loving will be OK with me.." That's all they need to hear...is that you're OK with it. That's it's really not this big deal. He's 13, he probably has NO IDEA what he is... I remember when it happened to me I was in complete denial of it, yet I found myself still interested in guys vs. girls, but I refused to label myself as gay... rather I thought it was a phase... well 18 years later it's sure as hell not a phase lol.
I remember my mom brought it up and asked me if I wanted to talk to someone about it ...like a therapist. I thought to myself "great im crazy, I need to see a shrink. My whole life is unraveling because of some websites".... don't blow it out of proportion. Just keep loving him. And try not to make it a HUGE deal, even if u think it is. At the end of all this it's not really that big of a deal. You want your son to be happy, healthy and well-rounded. You want him to have a healthy self-esteem and be OK with who he is. Because at the end of the day...he can't help who he is. He will be who he's meant to be.
You reacted well with him by not shaming him. He must trust you if he looked at this stuff knowing you are monitoring his phone, and that's great. It's normal for him to explore. Many, many moons ago, I found a sex manual at my aunt's house when I was his age and, believe me, I was all over that. We seek info about "secret" things at that age. Maybe he'll be gay, maybe not. Just be happy you have such a good relationship with your son. If you can sneak some comments in conversations with your spouse to "prepare him" for the fact that it's always in the realm of possibility that anyone's child can be LGBT,etc., AND THAT'S OK, then do that.
I think getting a warped idea of sexual relationships and interactions between people applies not only to children but to adults.
Porn is destructive to society, in my opinion.
For immature adults, I'm sure it is. But for rational and mature adults is more of an occasional outlet and a possible relationship enhancement. Porn has been around since man started drawing on walls - it's just a lot more realistic these days.
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