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I would be very uncomfortable with this situation. Children should be able to live in their home free of boyfriends on parade. Or girlfriends.
The most dangerous place in America for a child - is in his or her own home, when it is shared with an unrelated romantic partner of a parent.
If I were the OP, I would be seeing an attorney.
Let's look at the big picture. From that report:
"The majority of all children countable under the Harm Standard (81%) were maltreated by their biological parents. This held true both for the abused children (64% were abused by biological parents) and
for those neglected (92% were neglected by biological parents). Biological parents were the most closely related perpetrators for 71% of physically abused children and for 73% of emotionally abused children."
Not to mention all the other factors that play significant roles in abuse:
"In nearly all categories, the incidence of maltreatment and levels of harm increased since the NIS–3 for children living with one parent compared to two parents"
"Compared to children with employed parents, those with no parent in the labor force had 2 to 3 times the rate of maltreatment overall, about 2 times the rate of abuse, and 3 or more times the rate of
neglect. Children with unemployed parents had 2 to 3 times higher rates of neglect than
those with employed parents. "
"Children in low socioeconomic status households had significantly higher rates of
maltreatment in all categories and across both definitional standards. They experienced
some type of maltreatment at more than 5 times the rate of other children; they were more
than 3 times as likely to be abused and about 7 times as likely to be neglected."
"the incidence rates were highest for children in the largest families (those with
4 or more children)..."
"Rural children had a nearly 2 times higher rate of overall Harm Standard maltreatment and nearly 2 times higher rate of overall Endangerment Standard maltreatment."
Last edited by Just A Guy; 03-15-2016 at 11:34 AM..
One more tidbit of statistic for you for children who are abused and then die from that abuse:
"Perpetrators were identified in 132 (88.6%) of the cases. The majority of known perpetrators were male (94 of 132 [71.2%]). Forty-six (34.9%) were the child's father, and 32 (24.2%) were the boyfriend of the child's mother.
"The majority of all children countable under the Harm Standard (81%) were maltreated by their biological parents. This held true both for the abused children (64% were abused by biological parents) and
for those neglected (92% were neglected by biological parents). Biological parents were the most closely related perpetrators for 71% of physically abused children and for 73% of emotionally abused children."
Not to mention all the other factors that play significant roles in abuse:
"In nearly all categories, the incidence of maltreatment and levels of harm increased since the NIS–3 for children living with one parent compared to two parents"
"Compared to children with employed parents, those with no parent in the labor force had 2 to 3 times the rate of maltreatment overall, about 2 times the rate of abuse, and 3 or more times the rate of
neglect. Children with unemployed parents had 2 to 3 times higher rates of neglect than
those with employed parents. "
"Children in low socioeconomic status households had significantly higher rates of
maltreatment in all categories and across both definitional standards. They experienced
some type of maltreatment at more than 5 times the rate of other children; they were more
than 3 times as likely to be abused and about 7 times as likely to be neglected."
"the incidence rates were highest for children in the largest families (those with
4 or more children)..."
"Rural children had a nearly 2 times higher rate of overall Harm Standard maltreatment and nearly 2 times higher rate of overall Endangerment Standard maltreatment."
Yes, biological parents can and do harm children. However, raw numbers and statistical probability are two different things. Yes, more children will be harmed by a biological parent because more children live with biological parents. Especially when you lump in "neglect."
That doesn't change the fact that: a child living with a boyfriend/stepdad/what-have-you has a higher probability of being sexually or fatally abused than a child who doesn't. This is consistently shown in countless studies over many years.
I'm not sure why some people are so resistant to these facts. I don't think anyone in this thread said that all or even most boyfriends will harm kids.
What I am saying is that the OP has a legitimate reason to be concerned. Not just now, with this particular partner of his ex's, but in general his daughter is at a higher risk of being victimized due to the instability of her home life. There are things the OP can and should do (actually things all parents should do) to help counter some of that risk. Such as:
1. Maintain a close relationship with your child. Talk openly about all subjects. Do not shame or embarrass them for asking questions about their body or about sex.
2. Teach your children the anatomically correct words for their body parts.
3. Teach them rules about who may and may not touch them.
4. Teach them to say "No, I'll tell" if someone tries to hurt them.
5. Teach them that good adults do not ask them to keep secrets from their parents. Surprises are OK (like birthdays) but secrets are not.
6. Teach them that no one will hurt mom/dad if they tell about someone harming them.
Have these talks as part of normal everyday conversation so your children just accept them as rules and facts as they do all the other things you teach them.
And to the OP, get to know your ex's partners, talk to them at length when you drop off/pick up, make eye contact, send signals that say you are paying attention and have a close relationship with your daughter.
Yes, biological parents can and do harm children. However, raw numbers and statistical probability are two different things. Yes, more children will be harmed by a biological parent because more children live with biological parents. Especially when you lump in "neglect."
That doesn't change the fact that: a child living with a boyfriend/stepdad/what-have-you has a higher probability of being sexually or fatally abused than a child who doesn't. This is consistently shown in countless studies over many years.
I'm not sure why some people are so resistant to these facts. I don't think anyone in this thread said that all or even most boyfriends will harm kids.
What I am saying is that the OP has a legitimate reason to be concerned. Not just now, with this particular partner of his ex's, but in general his daughter is at a higher risk of being victimized due to the instability of her home life. There are things the OP can and should do (actually things all parents should do) to help counter some of that risk. Such as:
1. Maintain a close relationship with your child. Talk openly about all subjects. Do not shame or embarrass them for asking questions about their body or about sex.
2. Teach your children the anatomically correct words for their body parts.
3. Teach them rules about who may and may not touch them.
4. Teach them to say "No, I'll tell" if someone tries to hurt them.
5. Teach them that good adults do not ask them to keep secrets from their parents. Surprises are OK (like birthdays) but secrets are not.
6. Teach them that no one will hurt mom/dad if they tell about someone harming them.
Have these talks as part of normal everyday conversation so your children just accept them as rules and facts as they do all the other things you teach them.
And to the OP, get to know your ex's partners, talk to them at length when you drop off/pick up, make eye contact, send signals that say you are paying attention and have a close relationship with your daughter.
Well now you're making sense, and offering some concrete (and good) advice, some of which has already been mentioned. This is far more valuable than your first post, which was strictly alarmist.
Well now you're making sense, and offering some concrete (and good) advice, some of which has already been mentioned. This is far more valuable than your first post, which was strictly alarmist.
Thanks, sometimes a little alarm gets people's attention . I wish OP and his daughter the best.
Thought I would be good to write a follow up to this post to show how things worked out. I still disagree with how quickly they moved but he actually is a decent guy. Good solid job as a nurse, moved in together, helps my daughters mom, helps with my daughter. Doesn't seem to complain about it. I think he has helped take some the crazy she sends at me and aims it towards him so I get a bit better relationship with less fighting. My daughter likes him. He is friendly with me and understands I'm the father.
It turned out as best as it could have really. I still believe in being careful since not every situation ends like this but I'm glad he turned out alright.
Thought I would be good to write a follow up to this post to show how things worked out. I still disagree with how quickly they moved but he actually is a decent guy. Good solid job as a nurse, moved in together, helps my daughters mom, helps with my daughter. Doesn't seem to complain about it. I think he has helped take some the crazy she sends at me and aims it towards him so I get a bit better relationship with less fighting. My daughter likes him. He is friendly with me and understands I'm the father.
It turned out as best as it could have really. I still believe in being careful since not every situation ends like this but I'm glad he turned out alright.
Glad things turned out well for you guys especially your daughter!
Thought I would be good to write a follow up to this post to show how things worked out. I still disagree with how quickly they moved but he actually is a decent guy. Good solid job as a nurse, moved in together, helps my daughters mom, helps with my daughter. Doesn't seem to complain about it. I think he has helped take some the crazy she sends at me and aims it towards him so I get a bit better relationship with less fighting. My daughter likes him. He is friendly with me and understands I'm the father.
It turned out as best as it could have really. I still believe in being careful since not every situation ends like this but I'm glad he turned out alright.
Thought I would be good to write a follow up to this post to show how things worked out. I still disagree with how quickly they moved but he actually is a decent guy. Good solid job as a nurse, moved in together, helps my daughters mom, helps with my daughter. Doesn't seem to complain about it. I think he has helped take some the crazy she sends at me and aims it towards him so I get a bit better relationship with less fighting. My daughter likes him. He is friendly with me and understands I'm the father.
It turned out as best as it could have really. I still believe in being careful since not every situation ends like this but I'm glad he turned out alright.
So glad to hear this! Thanks for the update.
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. I wish OP and his daughter the best.
