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Old 03-13-2016, 09:00 AM
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,159 posts, read 37,787,675 times
Reputation: 73896


Originally Posted by willow wind View Post
Go back and read the OP's posting history. This is an ex-girlfriend, not an ex-wife. Neither wanted to get married, neither bothered with legal custody and child support when they split up.

The ex-girlfriend is an RN who works three 12 hour shifts and makes $ 80,000 a year. She makes more than twice the OP who can't seem to hang onto to a good job. He's trying, it's just not working out.

Thus, the ex doesn't seem flaky to me. I think the excuse that she needs someone to drop the child off to school is just an excuse to tell the OP so the boyfriend can move in. She can hire an early morning sitter if she likes. The OP also indicates that the boyfriend has a similar job to the ex. So maybe another well paid RN.

The OP doesn't want to go for legal custody and support because he is afraid he can't pay legal child support and may have to pay back support. Even though it might be in the child's best interest to have a good, legal custody plan in place he doesn't want one. A custody plan could limit who stays over at night, etc.

Sometimes you get what you ask for. No legalities which means everyone does exactly as they choose. The OP has not been celibate. He's been all over on line dating, has had girlfriends, one even moved in for a short while.

IMO these two parents should get themselves into court and set up the proper custody for the child. If that had been in place, then this confusion and situation would not have happened.
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Old 03-13-2016, 09:57 AM
1,097 posts, read 1,738,168 times
Reputation: 727
I never said I didn't want to pay my share, but I was concerned about starting up the process. I would rather work it out outside court because that's plenty of money wasted that doesn't go towards the child.

Yes he is an RN as well making good money. Together they will probably get around 160k in take home plus what I provide. From what I have found:

1. He is willing to pay the fees and down payments to get into the apartment
2. He is willing to drop off, pick up, and play babysitter
3. They want to "take the next step in their relationship"

So given all those promises, I feel that is why she is so excited. She doesn't have to worry about child care, she has large amounts of money, and she can do what she wants. I think love is a part of it, but I think security is really what she is going for.

As for the online dating, yes I was on online dating sites but never found anyone that I connected with. I've had 1 girlfriend since my ex and I broke up and she DID NOT live with me even for a short while. I have no plans of finding a girlfriend during this time until things are a bit more settled, even then I enjoy being single.

Money wise, she refuses to curtail her spending. My daughter enjoys all the extras, but they are just that, extras. If she actually budgeted and didn't blow her money every month, she would have plenty to live on her own.

As for jobs, I don't see how that plays into anything. I don't make as much as my ex, but I certainly try my best with any job. My gym job I was terminated which most employees even 2 managers disagreed with, just a spiteful general manager who was later terminated. This current job was not what I expected when I was referred by my friend. I am currently looking for another job that fits me better.

AT the end of the day it's about finding the best situation for my daughter. All I want to do is have a discussion with both of them so there is no ex to filter information to the bf. I want this to happen in a respectful way because if he does end up sticking around for a long time, I don't want there to be animosity.
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Old 03-13-2016, 10:54 AM
12,930 posts, read 19,818,561 times
Reputation: 33972
Love, or security, it doesn't matter. You have no legally enforceable agreement she must abide by, nor, it seems any reason to be critical of her new bf. Maintain your weekly contact with your daughter, and keep the bond strong. If things go wrong in her home life, she'll be more likely to tell you about it.
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Old 03-13-2016, 12:21 PM
6,455 posts, read 9,526,496 times
Reputation: 10765
Originally Posted by skilldeadly View Post
We were never married, there is no court ordered anything. We wanted to avoid courts and work together. She still wants me a part of her life as much as possible. I don't disagree with anything else she does, minus her drug addicted sisters, one with no license driving my daughter around. But that no longer happens.
Dude, this was your first mistake. Now get it fixed. Go. To. Court. You are no longer "working together."
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Old 03-13-2016, 01:03 PM
Location: Chicago area
13,042 posts, read 7,212,964 times
Reputation: 50012
There are so many what if's that it could make you crazy. What if the ex's boyfriend becomes a great step dad to your daughter? What if the new boyfriend is a good influence on your ex and helps her become more responsible? What if you all work together with open honest communication to do what's best for your daughter? What if you all put on big person panties and treat each other with respect?

One of my friends allowed his wife's ex husband to live with them for awhile when he was seriously ill. Talk about mature. I thought it was amazing.

I totally understand your concern about your daughter. I really do, but you can't live in the land of what if's. How old is your daughter? Is she old enough to call you if there's a problem?

Just because your ex and her new boyfriend have only known each other a short time doesn't mean they are being impulsive or irresponsible. I knew I was going to marry John on our first date. I moved in with him two months after I met him and married him 6 months later. That was almost 31 years ago and the happy love story continues.

Just because your ex and yours was not an ideal relationship doesn't mean that her current relationship won't be "the one." If it is "the one" then why does it have to be on a specific time line?

I remember this story about a step dad that was in his step daughters life since she was very young. It was on her wedding day that the biological father, who hadn't been very nice to the step dad, but went up to him and insisted that they both walk her down the isle together. The step father cried as they both walked her down the isle together. All those years of animosity finally came to an end. Spare yourself all that misery. Get to know your ex's new boyfriend because he may very well be an important part of your daughter's life. Treat him the way he deserves to be treated. He will show you who he is if you make the effort to be fair and honest with him.
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Old 03-13-2016, 01:39 PM
10,090 posts, read 6,506,364 times
Reputation: 23714
I think the situation would suck and if I was single and my husband was moving in with someone new...I'd be upset, worried, nervous. Both for my kids but for myself in their lives. Its adding a new member to the "family" without having any say. But...there isn't anything you can do. She seems to have her mind made up...plus it seems like moving in with men while having a child isn't a problem for her. So if it isn't this guy, it will be another one. So make nice.
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Old 03-13-2016, 02:41 PM
Location: Lake Grove
2,753 posts, read 1,800,105 times
Reputation: 4439
Isn't a child statistically most likely to be molested by the mother's boyfriend than anyone else?
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Old 03-13-2016, 04:30 PM
12,930 posts, read 19,818,561 times
Reputation: 33972
Originally Posted by Zen88 View Post
Isn't a child statistically most likely to be molested by the mother's boyfriend than anyone else?
While recognizing that children are more likely to be abused by a family member or acquaintance, that does not translate into family members or acquaintances being more likely to abuse children.
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Old 03-13-2016, 06:12 PM
7,625 posts, read 8,984,306 times
Reputation: 12924
Originally Posted by Zen88 View Post
Isn't a child statistically most likely to be molested by the mother's boyfriend than anyone else?
Please provide evidence supporting this very inflammatory statement.
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Old 03-13-2016, 10:43 PM
Location: Denver CO
19,053 posts, read 10,086,762 times
Reputation: 27892
Originally Posted by skilldeadly View Post
He has the same kind of job as her making good money, a decent car, and he seems like he is a good guy with a family that cares about my daughter.

Yes I see her all day saturday and sunday each week and holidays that I have off which are around 11 a year. I make sure to ask innocent but inquisitive questions.

I also am curious what she tells her bf about what i think about this. Or if he is the one getting her amped for this.
Well, it certainly could be a whole lot worse. And the bottom line is you can't control what she does, so I would try to make the best of it. Get to know him - he's going to be playing a big role in your daughter's life and you should know him and hopefully be able to continuing having a positive impression of him. I'd go ahead and get a background check on him, just for your own peace of mind, but presuming it comes back ok, I think you need to accept that this is going to happen.

And stay in close contact with your daughter and get her talking about all the day to day details of her life. If you ever hear anything that concerns you, then you can start digging deeper.

You sound like a very good dad, and with any luck, your ex's bf will be another loving adult in your daughter's life, and that's never a bad thing.
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