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Old 03-14-2016, 08:39 PM
Status: "Get a clue." (set 18 hours ago)
 
1,771 posts, read 2,350,267 times
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To answer the original question, I think the reason you and your brother do not want kids could very well be your father. Neither my sister nor I ever wanted kids, and our mother was not exactly thrilled to have us around when we were growing up. She taught us early that having kids was not a fun idea. She was always angry/complaining or ignoring us. I always thought this was the reason we didn't want to have kids like almost every other girl/woman did. Now that I'm an adult, I also think of the environment, overpopulation, money, noise, privacy, and on and on. But I have a feeling that none of that would matter if I grew up in a house where raising children seemed rewarding.
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Old 03-14-2016, 08:42 PM
 
Location: Orange County, CA
102 posts, read 232,239 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lyndarn View Post
While I do agree with your initial statement....It actually go further that adult male who thinks like your 4 examples.

There are some whether it was never nurtured/demonstrating in their formative years..nor exposed to child care ( babysitting) or being around kids ( large family/relatives) of younger and older ones who would role model to them.

Then of course their a possibility that it just isn't in their DNA..lack of interest..NOT hatred..But less tolerance of dealing with "Kid Stuff" that they experience growing up..

For the OP..Don't blame yourself for feeling this way..There is a good portion out there that feel this way. Back in the day..Folks like you loved kids ( as long as they weren't their own)..because they could go home after an few hours..not have to have those day to day worries about them..didn't have their lives having to be co-orordinating constantly ..THIS list goes on and on!! I say, that you for acknowledging it..BUT having said that..Please do NOT take any chances then..Procreating a new life morally demands that you care financially care for them..SO why nip that in the bud..

OP~~ I wish you peace of mind as there is just nothing wrong with you at all as I stated above...just hope your partner in life understands!!
Thanks so much for your response, and yes I let her know before we got married that I felt this way. I'm just curious why I feel this way, not even I know, but I think it might have to do with my father, but not sure.
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Old 03-14-2016, 08:43 PM
 
Location: Orange County, CA
102 posts, read 232,239 times
Reputation: 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by trustmeiknow View Post
To answer the original question, I think the reason you and your brother do not want kids could very well be your father. Neither my sister nor I ever wanted kids, and our mother was not exactly thrilled to have us around when we were growing up. She taught us early that having kids was not a fun idea. She was always angry/complaining or ignoring us. I always thought this was the reason we didn't want to have kids like almost every other girl/woman did. Now that I'm an adult, I also think of the environment, overpopulation, money, noise, privacy, and on and on. But I have a feeling that none of that would matter if I grew up in a house where raising children seemed rewarding.
I agree, and me and my brother are just like you and your sister. Thanks for your feedback.
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Old 03-14-2016, 08:44 PM
 
4,279 posts, read 3,295,538 times
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Here are a few reasons I don't want kids right now:

I don't have a spouse, so I would be raising the tike on my own
I work as a low-paid teacher, so we would not have the best quality of life, most likely (although parents do receive tax breaks, in some cases.)
My child would not get the best opportunities, because I probably wouldn't be able to pay for things like childcare, private school, or after school activities...
My child might not continue to be healthy and may require medical care that could bankrupt me.
I would be required to move into a more expensive place. Kids need yards to play in; that would mean I would have to get a house and move out of my one-bedroom apartment.
There's no guarantee my kid wouldn't be born with some life-altering complication--severe autism, Downs Syndrome, heart or liver problems, etc.
It would be more difficult to travel for work.
My kid and I might not really bond; I fought with my mother for years, because I thought she didn't try to understand me.
I wouldn't have time for my kid.
I would have expenses that people usually only have when they have kids...diapers, formula, toys, daycare, etc.


The list goes on...

The possible benefits of having a kid

An excuse to not finish all of my work or chores...hey, busy parent
Outstanding childcare experience to put on my resume
A window of having a really intelligent little being who thinks I'm his/her world until he/she becomes school aged and starts asking for the latest toys, gadgets, and experiences and later reaches puberty and fights me for his/her "freedom."
Someone who might take me into his/her home when I'm old instead of throwing me into a hospice or nursing home. (I don't even want those days to come!)
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Old 03-14-2016, 08:58 PM
 
5,721 posts, read 5,174,047 times
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Knowing you do not want children and not having them is the most self-less thing you can do. I applaud people who know this.

Too many don't really want children but still have them
Too many financially can't support them and have them.
Those are both very selfish and the child suffers.
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Old 03-14-2016, 09:07 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
15,822 posts, read 4,940,335 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by photobuff42 View Post
Good for you in that you know what you want. I think the world would be a better place if only people who truly wanted kids had them.

It doesn't matter why you don't want them.
This is the best answer, I think. It really doesn't matter why. But if you are curious, it could be that you are not by nature a nurturing sort of person or that you didn't have good role models when you were growing up.

The latter applies to me. I just don't think I'd make a very good mother because I was not adequately parented myself. It's not a question of selfishness. If I had wanted to be a mother, I would have knocked myself out being the best mother I knew how to be, and I would gladly have made the sacrifices and put my children's needs first. It always bothers me when people imply that anyone who doesn't want children must be self-centered.
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Old 03-14-2016, 09:27 PM
 
13,021 posts, read 12,464,716 times
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I'm a woman and I love kids. Weirdly, kids love me in return - my friends' children glom onto me like crazy. My family would have totally supported me becoming a single mom, even. I thought well into my 30s that I wanted to be a mom, but that eventually changed as I realized my biological clock had never started ticking for me.

But I like being single these days and being a parent is too much work for me as a single person. I'm happy as I am, and I see how hard the people I know work who are what I would consider to be successful parents. It requires constance vigilance, patience and selflessness. You must know when to hold on and when to let go. You must model the behavior you wish to see from your child. You must motivate, encourage and discipline them. You must be consistent.

I see so many people do crap jobs at parenting or have kids for the wrong reasons and then hold it against their kids when those kids don't turn out so great. At this point, I would be a decent parent, but not an excellent one. I am considering adoption if I ever do reach an acceptable state of mind to be a parent, but I think it's probably best if I don't have a kid right now. Of course, all that goes out the window if the unthinkable happens and I have to step in to take care of any young relatives - then I just have to suck it up and be the parent I need to be. But given my current levels of happiness, that's not my first choice.

I suspect for me, I spent so much time cleaning up other folks' messes in my family that I just kind of burned out emotionally. After having realized how draining that aspect of my life was, I'm not eager to fling myself into bending over backwards for another person. I would do it if I had to, but I'm not gonna go looking for that.

I have dogs, and I love 'em. When you get to the end of your rope, you can just stick 'em in a crate if you really have to. I hear that's frowned upon by child protection authorities though.

Seriously, I have a cold right now and I feel like crap. If I was a mom, that wouldn't matter - I'd still have to be a mom. With dogs, I can just toss their food in a bowl and let them out the door to the backyard to potty. Their world doesn't end if I'm not functioning for a day or two. At worst, I get some reproachful looks.
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Old 03-14-2016, 10:08 PM
 
489 posts, read 325,160 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jayolm View Post
Hi all. I'm a male in my 40's and happily married for 13 years. And I have never wanted a baby. The thought has always scared me to death. I see it as a huge responsibility that I don't want, almost like having a 2nd job. I thought in my 20's "well I'll feel differently in my 30's". But that never happened.
In my early 30's I did research at my work and asked seriously about 20 different married guys who were older and had kids, if they knew for sure they wanted kids, or did they just go with the flow and have them even though they had doubts? Not one of them said they had any doubts about it. They all were 100% sure they wanted kids before they had them. So basically I was totally the opposite of them.

Anyone have theories on why some people like me don't want babies? I have another friend who loves kids, plays with his little cousins all the time but like me is adamant on not ever having any babies (he is married too). I noticed we both have something similar, our fathers were very stern / serious, and not the best fathers in the world. Was thinking that was the reason why? My brother also does not want kids. Your thoughts?
You answered your own question in the first paragraph
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Old 03-15-2016, 07:51 AM
 
183 posts, read 128,830 times
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I never wanted kids. Too much responsibility, messes, noise, etc. I do concede that if I met the right man at the right time, maybe having a baby would have been in the cards. But I am now 57 and two years ago married a man, 52 years old, first marriages for both of us. He never wanted children either. He inherited a foundry business from his Dad and works with his two brothers. He works a lot, always did, always will.
I worked a lot too but got burned out and quit in 2006 and met my future husband 2 months later.
If I had children, I always thought I would adopt.
I am baffled why so many people yearn for their own genes to be passed onto their offspring. Parenthood is very difficult and there are too many people having too many not properly cared for and raised children.
Also, I believe in zero population control. If you must have children, only have two, to replace you and your partner.
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Old 03-15-2016, 08:37 AM
 
2,072 posts, read 1,330,793 times
Reputation: 2622
Quote:
Originally Posted by trustmeiknow View Post
To answer the original question, I think the reason you and your brother do not want kids could very well be your father. Neither my sister nor I ever wanted kids, and our mother was not exactly thrilled to have us around when we were growing up. She taught us early that having kids was not a fun idea. She was always angry/complaining or ignoring us. I always thought this was the reason we didn't want to have kids like almost every other girl/woman did. Now that I'm an adult, I also think of the environment, overpopulation, money, noise, privacy, and on and on. But I have a feeling that none of that would matter if I grew up in a house where raising children seemed rewarding.
I have to agree with this. My husband doesn't want kids while I want kids. we have finally come to the conclusion of letting things happen without us actively doing anything. But I always wondered why he is like this & the only conclusion I can come up with is his own background and his parents. His mom left him in his 20 something old brothers care at age 12 and decided living in USA was too much hardship for her. So they packed their bag and went half way across the world & settled in old country. I grew up in a family where my mother didn't take any vacation without kids for the longest time.
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