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Old 03-15-2016, 08:42 AM
 
3,372 posts, read 2,502,112 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jayolm View Post
Anyone have theories on why some people like me don't want babies?
I am not sure one is required. You make it sound like not wanting them has to be positively explained or justified.

People have reasons _for_ wanting them. You do not share those reasons - therefore you do not want them. Simple as that.

What more explanation or theory do you need? You simply do not have the positive reasons _for_ wanting them that people who want them do.

Do not be cajoled into the narrative of thinking that having children is the thing to do - and not wanting to do so requires justification or explanation.
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Old 03-15-2016, 08:49 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
13,042 posts, read 7,210,583 times
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Interesting comment about males not wanting children and the connection with less then stellar fathers jayolm. My husband never wanted kids and his father was a @#$%$#@. I never wanted kids because I never had that biological urge to reproduce.

My FIL admitted that he never wanted kids and that it was his wife's idea. My MIL insisted on having children and do she did. His father was a simpleton but a very sweet man. John's father was nothing like him.

We have another friend that never wanted kids yet he has 4 from two different marriages and divorces. He's miserable His father wasn't in his life and he was raised by a psycho mother.

I'm glad I met John. We think alike and are perfect for each other. We agreed early on in our marriage that the money would take better care of us in our old age vs depending on kids. I love my shorties and have a dozen or so in my life. I had a visit from some of them for four days in a row around my birthday. I think I have the best of both worlds. I get all the fun, the parents get all the responsibility. Perfection
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Old 03-15-2016, 08:54 AM
 
7,100 posts, read 3,792,851 times
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This entire discussion revolves around the assumption that having babies is NORMAL and opting not to is ABNORMAL and requires an explanation. Until recently, if you had sex, you mostly likely had babies.


Now we have ways of preventing this! So it's really a choice, and either is valid as long as it's well-thought out.


I wish more people realized that procreation is optional; too many don't seem to!

Last edited by otterhere; 03-15-2016 at 09:24 AM..
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Old 03-15-2016, 09:22 AM
 
237 posts, read 147,849 times
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Even as a child, little kids drove me crazy, and I was determined from the time I was about 5 or 6 years old that I would never have children. I just didn't want the job of parent. It's stressful and never-ending.

I feel that every child should be wanted, and since I didn't want children, I figured I shouldn't have them, in spite of society's pressure that "normal women all want babies". I'm over 50 now, and never once did my "biological clock" even tick. Now that I'm older, I even enjoy little children from time to time. It's much easier now that the expectation and pressure is off. I have no regrets. I am glad there is more acceptance now of women who choose not to become mothers.
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Old 03-15-2016, 10:36 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,126 posts, read 3,940,319 times
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[quote=jayolm;43348127]Hi all. I'm a male in my 40's and happily married for 13 years. And I have never wanted a baby. The thought has always scared me to death. I see it as a huge responsibility that I don't want, almost like having a 2nd job. I thought in my 20's "well I'll feel differently in my 30's". But that never happened.
In my early 30's I did research at my work and asked seriously about 20 different married guys who were older and had kids, if they knew for sure they wanted kids, or did they just go with the flow and have them even though they had doubts? Not one of them said they had any doubts about it. They all were 100% sure they wanted kids before they had them. So basically I was totally the opposite of them.

quote]


As long as you and your wife are on the same page, there is no problem. You don't have to give anyone explanations as to why you don't want children. They are quite a burden and while some people feel the blessings are worth it some don't. They are loud, messy, aggravating and expensive. You can't do what you want when you want. You always need to concern yourself with good schools, safe cars, etc. Plus you have to hope that none of them turn into drug addicts or have babies out of wedlock that you might wind up having to raise.


I am a woman and have 2 who are now in their late 20's; I love them but if I had a crystal ball and could see into the future I probably would have remained childless. They are not bad kids (although one did have a serious drug problem for 10 years) but they are not the "blessing" that people tell you about. Maybe it's because they are boys but we aren't especially close now that they are older. That's fine with me, I'm not one of those mothers who expects a phone call from her kids every day. But if you have any doubts think long and hard about it. Sure, you might be one of those guys who falls completely in love with your newborn or it might go the other way and you go out for a loaf of bread and never return..... :-)
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Old 03-15-2016, 11:27 AM
 
3,279 posts, read 3,763,606 times
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In my case, there is a difference--babies vs children. I do great, I think, with our children, but it was all I could do to stay sane when they were babies. All that crying, and they weren't developed or old enough to understand "be quiet." I pretty much lived for the day that they would not be crying every other minute anymore, and when they were old enough to understand "clean your room or I'm throwing all the toys away."

We're there now, and all is fine. However, if they were hard-core "special needs" and it was a constant battle, I can honestly say I think I'd give them up for adoption. That's cold, but that's how I feel, I don't like anything taking over my life that completely. I like how it is now--they're a huge part of my life, but I still get many chances to do what I like as well. They do great obeying my rules and they enjoy playing outside doing their own thing, we then interact later on in the house for awhile--we connect, but they don't dominate my entire life. I'm not rich, but despite the expenses associated with taking care of them, I can still enjoy some "big boy toys" perks a bit as well. For me, that's how it has to be.
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Old 03-15-2016, 11:57 AM
 
572 posts, read 200,371 times
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This is unrelated, but it makes me sad that so many people think you should be making a certain salary before you should be 'allowed' to reproduce... it's like everyone believes that we should tie our self-worth to our socioeconomic status. I'm not saying go crazy with having kids you can't afford, but I'm not going to begrudge someone a family just because they're poor.

I have to wonder if this whole sense of 'not being good enough' for a family, combined with the economy, has something to do with the declining birth rate.
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Old 03-15-2016, 12:20 PM
 
629 posts, read 599,106 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trustmeiknow View Post
To answer the original question, I think the reason you and your brother do not want kids could very well be your father. Neither my sister nor I ever wanted kids, and our mother was not exactly thrilled to have us around when we were growing up. She taught us early that having kids was not a fun idea. She was always angry/complaining or ignoring us. I always thought this was the reason we didn't want to have kids like almost every other girl/woman did. Now that I'm an adult, I also think of the environment, overpopulation, money, noise, privacy, and on and on. But I have a feeling that none of that would matter if I grew up in a house where raising children seemed rewarding.

I am glad that someone said this.

I think that the OP knows that the reason that he and his brother do not want to become fathers is because of their own father and their childhood.

This does not make his decision wrong but it may be helpful if he undergoes some counseling to get past the trauma of his childhood. The goal is not to make him want kids but to make him "come to terms" with the way he was treated as a child. There may be a fear that he will be the same kind of parent, there may be the belief that having children is "negative" because his family taught him that.

No one should have children unless he or she really really wants to have children and is capable of providing for them emotionally, financially, socially, etc.

I agree with the person who said that more people should decide to forego having kids. The world would be a better place if there were fewer unwanted children. I don't mean just teen moms. (I have met a few great teen moms) I mean people who have children by accident or because it is expected or because someone else wants them to have a child.

Parenting is a big deal. You need to be 1000% dedicated.

OP, get some help but make the decision that is best for you. It doesn't matter what other people want. Do not have a child unless you are ready and you desire it with all of your heart. No parent is perfect but you are admirable to have decided that you do not want to be a parent. It does not matter what the reason is for your decision.
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Old 03-15-2016, 02:16 PM
 
344 posts, read 217,239 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jayolm View Post
Hi all. I'm a male in my 40's and happily married for 13 years. And I have never wanted a baby. The thought has always scared me to death. I see it as a huge responsibility that I don't want, almost like having a 2nd job. I thought in my 20's "well I'll feel differently in my 30's". But that never happened.
In my early 30's I did research at my work and asked seriously about 20 different married guys who were older and had kids, if they knew for sure they wanted kids, or did they just go with the flow and have them even though they had doubts? Not one of them said they had any doubts about it. They all were 100% sure they wanted kids before they had them. So basically I was totally the opposite of them.

Anyone have theories on why some people like me don't want babies? I have another friend who loves kids, plays with his little cousins all the time but like me is adamant on not ever having any babies (he is married too). I noticed we both have something similar, our fathers were very stern / serious, and not the best fathers in the world. Was thinking that was the reason why? My brother also does not want kids. Your thoughts?
You could be on to something but in the end you may need to do more introspection. None of my siblings including me had kids, we did not have a good upbringing. I would say that you'd probably be surprised how you changed your tune if you did have a kid. Not suggesting, just sharing an observation.
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Old 03-15-2016, 03:25 PM
 
Location: TX
3,903 posts, read 4,517,186 times
Reputation: 4288
No such thing as raising a child ever being easy or it not being psychologically and physically demanding! It will always be hard to do it right and I wish every young person knew that before deciding (hopefully there's a decision made) to have a child. I respect those who think about it and decide to avoid it entirely.
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