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Old 03-16-2016, 01:51 PM
 
1,173 posts, read 731,581 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jayolm View Post
Hi all. I'm a male in my 40's and happily married for 13 years. And I have never wanted a baby. The thought has always scared me to death. I see it as a huge responsibility that I don't want, almost like having a 2nd job. I thought in my 20's "well I'll feel differently in my 30's". But that never happened.
In my early 30's I did research at my work and asked seriously about 20 different married guys who were older and had kids, if they knew for sure they wanted kids, or did they just go with the flow and have them even though they had doubts? Not one of them said they had any doubts about it. They all were 100% sure they wanted kids before they had them. So basically I was totally the opposite of them.

Anyone have theories on why some people like me don't want babies? I have another friend who loves kids, plays with his little cousins all the time but like me is adamant on not ever having any babies (he is married too). I noticed we both have something similar, our fathers were very stern / serious, and not the best fathers in the world. Was thinking that was the reason why? My brother also does not want kids. Your thoughts?
I take parenthood very very seriously; creating a human to live on this Earth is a very serious big job. Most people do not treat it as such and want a baby. Not necessarily a teenager, young adult, etc. I think of having children as raising a baby to adulthood and influencing how he/she treats ppl for decades etc, not just "wanting a baby".


Anyway, that being said, I'd love to have a baby. I just don't want to raise a child and create one from scratch (bad genes). So momentarily I will long to get knocked up but my responsible brain takes over.


Honestly, if I had been lazy with the birth control and had an unplanned child I would do my best to be a good parent. I do know however that I would not be a good single parent so I would really need to have a strong union with my husband to make it so.


My parents are decent kind people in a good marriage and took parenting seriously. My thinking partially comes from my stable positive upbringing. If I can't offer children that I'd be terrified to have them.
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Old 03-16-2016, 02:22 PM
 
5,945 posts, read 12,729,979 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jayolm View Post
Anyone have theories on why some people like me don't want babies?
Our collective cultural mindset is thankfully evolving to a place where we are no longer feeling obligated to reproduce.

We no longer need large family's for running the farm.

We are not worried about a dwindling population. Actually many of us are concerned about the opposite.

We are becoming more and more secular. For most of us, church is no longer encouraging us to breed future followers.

As the shift of more women earning higher incomes than their male partners, women are not as eager to risk back peddling career-wise while they endure pregnancy and motherhood.

I also think thinking people are realizing that it is so difficult to raise children now... new technology has changed just about everything. When I began parenting we did not have cell phones or the internet, and now we do, and so I have experienced parenting both ways, and having cell phones and the internet and online everything has made everything a heck of a lot more expensive and risky and just generally no fun.

I'm really glad that we had our kids when we did, because had we waited, we would have chosen to not have kids.
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Old 03-16-2016, 02:27 PM
 
1,335 posts, read 637,806 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeurich View Post
"cold soul " does not like kids will give millions of reasons not to have kids.
"warm soul" like kids and wanting to have more.

Some people enjoy being parents, some enjoy being alone and die alone. Basically I think it is each ones choice. And no of us cannot judge who knows how make kids or who knows to do good parenting. If all of our parents though exactly like people who say that "no need to have kids" then non of us exist today either. Just saying.
Having children does not guarantee companionship. There are countless people who barely see - or hear from - their adult kids, especially people in nursing homes. Maybe they get the obligatory annual birthday or Christmas visit, but nothing beyond that. This is not the old days where several generations lived under one roof and elders were valued.
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Old 03-16-2016, 03:13 PM
 
237 posts, read 147,794 times
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Another thing that makes me glad I didn't have children is seeing how competitive parents have gotten with each other. It seems as if there are no normal ordinary kids anymore. Kids aren't supposed to "fit in" anymore, they have to stand out. If they're not an academic genius, then they are special needs. Being "average" is no longer acceptable.
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Old 03-16-2016, 05:20 PM
 
Location: Dunedin, FL
181 posts, read 413,432 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jayolm View Post
Hi all. I'm a male in my 40's and happily married for 13 years. And I have never wanted a baby. ...Anyone have theories on why some people like me don't want babies?
I'm a woman in my early 60s. Never had kids, never wanted them, never had a maternal instinct, and I have no regrets. I prefer pets.

It doesn't matter why you don't want kids. It's more important that you stick to not having them if you don't want them. Too many children are born to parents who later regretted having them or abused them. And then there are the children of divorced parents where the father basically abandons them once he doesn't live in the house any more. Better not to have them at all.
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Old 03-16-2016, 06:14 PM
 
15,302 posts, read 16,858,284 times
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Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
If you're on public assistance, you also get "paid" by the government to have more kids... Just sayin'!


You'll also still hear people say that they don't want to die alone, need someone to take care of them in their old age, etc. Of course, increasingly that doesn't work out as planned. Then there are the women who don't want to work outside the home (it helps to have kids so you can be a SAHM, even long after the kids are in school all day), those who want a "mini-me" to accessorize, dads who want sons to fulfill their own unfulfilled dreams, people who are so unimaginative that they just do what's expected, etc.


I could go on...
The bolded has NOT been true since at least 1996. There are only 2 federal programs that give people on welfare money for the children.

WIC is money for food for children under 5 and for pregnant and breastfeeding mothers. Here are the maximum allowances: http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/benefits...allowances.HTM

TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families) is the program for poor families. You have to meet work requirements and it is only temporary (hence the name). You can find more information here: http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/ofa/tanf/about.html

Since 1996 nobody is making a positive impact on their personal financial situation by having children. If poor people are having children they are doing it for other reasons.

The EITC gives you more money the more children you have. Diminishing returns set in pretty quickly though, there's a big gain for having one kid, a decent gain for having two, and past that the extra money per kid is negligible.

Even for the first kid, though, I doubt you'd be making a profit given that even with food stamps and medicaid, a kid is likely to cost you significantly more then you'd get from the EITC.

Note that most welfare recipients nowadays are off welfare within 3 years.
How Long Do People Stay On Public Benefits?

Quote:
Most poor people who avail themselves of a U.S. government safety net program are off benefits within three years, according to a government survey that tracked individual people over time.

Of the one-in-five Americans who participated in a program like Medicaid or food stamps from 2009 through 2012, the Census Bureau reported this week, 56 percent stopped participating within 36 months, while 43 percent lingered between three and four years. Nearly one-third quit receiving benefits within one year.
Who gets welfare?
Who

Your assumptions about welfare recipients are simply wrong.
Your Assumptions About Welfare Recipients Are Wrong | ThinkProgress

Quote:
On average, families who are enrolled in these public programs spend less than half of what families who arenít enrolled spend. They also put a bigger percentage of that money toward food, housing, and transportation, devoting 77 percent of their budgets to these necessities compared to about 65 percent for other families. Meanwhile, they spend less, on average, on some things thought to be luxuries like eating out and entertainment.
Quote:
Families who receive benefits are also more likely to go without higher priced items like houses and cars. Just 3 percent of families who donít get benefits went without a car, compared to nearly a quarter of those on the rolls. On average, a family that isnít enrolled in public programs has about two cars, while a family that is enrolled has about one.
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Old 03-16-2016, 09:24 PM
 
263 posts, read 162,033 times
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My 2 cents...I do not have children, by choice. I never felt the compelling desire to have a child, I was not particularly maternal, even with my younger brother. It is just not my thing. I also was not all that drawn to dolls as a child. My father, while not abusive, had children because my mother wanted them. And, while he and I have worked through this, I did grow up with a father who was rather ambivalent about the idea of being a parent. Knowing how this feels, coupled with the fact that I am also ambivalent, I decided that having children was not something I wanted. I am 42 and don't regret this.
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Old 03-17-2016, 04:06 AM
 
Location: Canada
5,147 posts, read 3,649,847 times
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I think people hear and see the struggles of parents, and don't get the appeal of bringing something into your life that is so life-changing and difficult.

I think people see kids acting up, crying, carrying on, talking back to their parents, getting pregnant, getting in trouble with the law, etc and wonder what is so fun about being a parent?

I think at times, HONESTLY, all of us parents have wondered the same thing. Yes, there's been times I've wanted to run away, especially when our boys were teenagers. It was no party, but we got through it and now they are beautiful human beings we are so proud of.

BUT, again HONESTLY, if you ask most parents, they love their children so much they'd do it all over again.

If you aren't willing to accept that your life will change and you'll go through many hard times raising children, then by all means, don't have them. I totally respect people who choose not to have children.

BUT I have to add, if you never become a parent, you'll never know the incredible love you have for your own child, no matter the trials and tribulations you go through raising them.

It's a totally different love... a deep love you'll feel for no other person, not even your spouse. Only other parents can understand this love.
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Old 03-17-2016, 10:16 AM
 
Location: Prosper
6,268 posts, read 12,125,258 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
BUT I have to add, if you never become a parent, you'll never know the incredible love you have for your own child, no matter the trials and tribulations you go through raising them.

It's a totally different love... a deep love you'll feel for no other person, not even your spouse. Only other parents can understand this love.
Mostly true... Only other GOOD parents can understand that. There are a lot of "parents" out there who don't give a damn about their kids and view them as mistakes. Those are the people who shouldn't have had them in the first place. I've seen way too many parents of that type during my life.
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Old 03-18-2016, 09:39 AM
 
1,335 posts, read 637,806 times
Reputation: 5760
Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
I think people hear and see the struggles of parents, and don't get the appeal of bringing something into your life that is so life-changing and difficult.

I think people see kids acting up, crying, carrying on, talking back to their parents, getting pregnant, getting in trouble with the law, etc and wonder what is so fun about being a parent?

I think at times, HONESTLY, all of us parents have wondered the same thing. Yes, there's been times I've wanted to run away, especially when our boys were teenagers. It was no party, but we got through it and now they are beautiful human beings we are so proud of.

BUT, again HONESTLY, if you ask most parents, they love their children so much they'd do it all over again.

If you aren't willing to accept that your life will change and you'll go through many hard times raising children, then by all means, don't have them. I totally respect people who choose not to have children.

BUT I have to add, if you never become a parent, you'll never know the incredible love you have for your own child, no matter the trials and tribulations you go through raising them.

It's a totally different love... a deep love you'll feel for no other person, not even your spouse. Only other parents can understand this love.
I have a friend who is a family counselor and, according to her, there are many parents who don't enjoy parenthood, but they would never openly admit this because it carries such a stigma and, hopefully, to keep their regret from their kids. But you can't hide ambivalence and unhappiness from kids, so it does have an impact even though the regret is never verbalized. That is why it is so important to choose to remain child free unless both of the couple are 100% on board with having kids.
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