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Old 03-25-2016, 10:22 PM
 
Location: ohio
289 posts, read 133,042 times
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I posted last week because I was having behavior problems with both my kids, well we started diff discipline techniques an diff ways to reward them, my bf an me started sticking together with what we want from them an stick together w/ the punishing whereas before we weren't. Things w/ my bf and me got a lot better, an my 6 yr old son is now doing so much better.He has been listening to me so much better. Before he would whine an cry everytime he didn't get his way immediately, now he hasn't thrown a fit at all even when he is told no to something.He has been wanting to help out around house more an been really nice to his older sister. But now my 8 yr old daughter who was the one who didn't whine as much an who was helping me out around house more is giving me so much trouble. She acts like my son is the problem an before we all thought that an it was even true a lot, but now she won't even get up an come ask for anything she wants instead she tells her little brother to ask or to go get it (even if it's something she knows will get him in trouble) or if he isn't there she will sit in her bed an just say what she wants over n over whining. Also before it seemed my son would always be the one fighting w/ her or hitting her or w/e well he never does anymore but all the time now we find out she scratches, or bites or hits him when she gets mad at him, they share a room so we can't catch it everytime. before b/c she is older we would allow her privileges we didn't allow our son like staying up later or watching more tv or getting her tablet more but now she fights w/ me if she doesn't get her tablet or isn't able to watch tv as soon as she asks, like i will say be good and read a book or play w/ your brother an i will give you tablet but she gets in bad mood pounting then causes fight w/ brother since she didn't get her way. Anything we ask her to do she pouts . everytime my son wants to play w/her she says no or ends up controlling everything an being mean to him he will not tell on her b/c if he does she tells him she won't play w/ him an thats all he wants. its just gotten ridiculous. if i give her her way she is so nice an happy but soon as it is time to put up tablet or go to bed or w/e she goes back to being difficult so its almost a waste of time to give her what she wants if im going to recieve that attitude either way. my son goes to bed so easy an she stays up even if all she is doing is staring a ceiling. we put a radio in there room since normally she loves to sing(they both do) but if i turn it on at night she crys even if its real low but i feel like she stays up listening to what me an her dad talk about an thought it would help her sleep. she is only happy if its her way or w/e im so tired of trying. when my son is bad she is good when he is good shes not. i can't make it where they both are happy an listen at the same time.
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Old 03-26-2016, 01:59 AM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 2,883,322 times
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Is it too difficult to write something clear with full stops and comma's ? If you need answers you better edit your post as people can understand what you say.
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Old 03-26-2016, 07:02 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,490 posts, read 15,940,606 times
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I had difficultly understanding your post and your questions.


I do want to point out that just as behavioral patterns/problems do not start overnight they also are not cured overnight (or over a week).

The conventional wisdom for adults & children is that it takes six weeks to change a behavior. A good example is that it usually takes six weeks to make an exercise program a habit.

Sure your boyfriend is "on the same page" with children rearing or helping with the housework or whatever one time or for a day or two. While that is great it does not make it a habit or routine for him.

It is wonderful that your son is doing better for a few days, but that does not make it a habit or a permanent change in his behavior. Your daughter may have a problem for a couple of days but that does not mean that it is an ongoing problem.

My advice is to continue working on improving the helpfulness of your boy friend and your children but do not expect miracle changes to happen overnight. Some days will be good and some days will not be as good just keep on working on it.

If you are concerned about your children overhearing you and your boyfriend talking (or being intimate) I suggest that you quiet down a bit, especially right when they are falling asleep. Also having a white noise machine/sound conditioning machine or fan blowing between your children's bedroom and the room that you are in. If you put it near the doorway it will help drown out the sound of you talking after they go to bed. If your daughter does not like the radio on put it outside their closed bedroom door, playing softly, and that may help her fall sleep.


Good luck.

Last edited by germaine2626; 03-26-2016 at 07:37 AM..
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Old 03-26-2016, 07:19 AM
 
4,111 posts, read 1,722,987 times
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Paragraphs are your friend.
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Old 03-26-2016, 09:16 AM
 
15,294 posts, read 16,849,408 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goochgirl View Post
I posted last week because I was having behavior problems with both my kids, well we started diff discipline techniques an diff ways to reward them, my bf an me started sticking together with what we want from them an stick together w/ the punishing whereas before we weren't.

That's good, but realize it has only been a few days. You need to stick with it. Don't give up because the results are not coming quickly.

Things w/ my bf and me got a lot better, an my 6 yr old son is now doing so much better.He has been listening to me so much better. Before he would whine an cry every time he didn't get his way immediately, now he hasn't thrown a fit at all even when he is told no to something.He has been wanting to help out around house more an been really nice to his older sister.

It's great that your son is changing. Again realize that this is only short term right now.

But now my 8 yr old daughter who was the one who didn't whine as much an who was helping me out around house more is giving me so much trouble. She acts like my son is the problem an before we all thought that an it was even true a lot, but now she won't even get up an come ask for anything she wants instead she tells her little brother to ask or to go get it (even if it's something she knows will get him in trouble) or if he isn't there she will sit in her bed an just say what she wants over n over whining.

It sounds like your daughter is having a hard time getting used to your son's new behavior. This is quite normal. She had a pattern and changing that habit is hard. I would say that she needs some individual attention for any good behavior. Ignore the whining (I know it is hard, but it is important). Look into planned ignoring.
https://www.nemours.org/content/dam/...edignoring.pdf


Also before it seemed my son would always be the one fighting w/ her or hitting her or w/e well he never does anymore but all the time now we find out she scratches, or bites or hits him when she gets mad at him, they share a room so we can't catch it everyime. before b/c she is older we would allow her privileges we didn't allow our son like staying up later or watching more tv or getting her tablet more but now she fights w/ me if she doesn't get her tablet or isn't able to watch tv as soon as she asks, like i will say be good and read a book or play w/ your brother an i will give you tablet but she gets in bad mood pouting then causes fight w/ brother since she didn't get her way. Anything we ask her to do she pouts .

I would bet that the scratching, biting and pinching was going on before, but you never realized it.

every time my son wants to play w/her she says no or ends up controlling everything an being mean to him he will not tell on her b/c if he does she tells him she won't play w/ him an that's all he wants.

Telling on her won't actually accomplish much. Getting her in trouble is not the best idea. OTOH, if you know that either of them is hitting, biting, scratching or pinching, they need to be separated. Also, you need to give both of them NEW ways to cope with the disagreements. Punishing them does not really help. If you catch them, tend to the child who is injured first and have the other child get the bandaids, ice pack or a *lovie* to help them cope.

Talk to both of them when they are not angry and give them other things they can do.

“Biting (or hitting or scratching or pinching) hurts. Let’s find a way to tell what you need.”
“It’s okay to be mad. Everybody gets mad sometimes. We can tell other people, ‘I’m mad!’”
“When you get really angry and don’t know what to do, you can ask for help.”
“It’s okay to say, “NO” when someone is doing something you don’t like.”
“You can get your mad feelings out by ripping up old paper or pounding on play-dough.”



its just gotten ridiculous. if i give her her way she is so nice an happy but soon as it is time to put up tablet or go to bed or w/e she goes back to being difficult so its almost a waste of time to give her what she wants if I'm going to receive that attitude either way.

Can you block out some time to spend with each child one on one doing something that they like? It seems like they each crave individual attention. This won't change the situation overnight, but it should help.

my son goes to bed so easy an she stays up even if all she is doing is staring a ceiling. we put a radio in their room since normally she loves to sing(they both do) but if i turn it on at night she cries even if its real low but i feel like she stays up listening to what me an her dad talk about an thought it would help her sleep.

If she is quiet and laying in bed, what difference does it make if it takes her time to fall asleep? Why not ask her what would help. Maybe some white noise would work better than the radio.

she is only happy if its her way or w/e im so tired of trying. when my son is bad she is good when he is good shes not. i can't make it where they both are happy an listen at the same time.
I understand you are tired. Can you get some alone time for yourself? Can you get therapy for yourself? What about parenting classes? I suggest the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish if you can manage to read it.

Some things to remember:
They might be tired or overwhelmed
They might be hungry
They might be trying to get your attention (remember that even negative attention is better than no attention for most kids).


Good luck, my answers are in blue above. Just don't try to accomplish everything in a few days or even a few weeks. Parenting takes time. Especially when you are trying to change bad habits.
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Old 03-26-2016, 05:57 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,280,786 times
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A lot of this probably has to do with some of the instability you have had in your life, as well as some resentment towards any attention her younger brother is getting.

Another poster recently recommend this author- Jennifer Kolari, MSW, RSW. She has written several books on parenting.

I would highly recommend this one:

"Connected Parenting: Set Loving Limits and Build Strong Bonds with Your Child for Life"

I think this book has the potential to totally change the relationship you have with your kids (as well as anyone else in your life) for the better.

Here's a video on her approach:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q28IrZq14hk
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Old 03-27-2016, 11:15 PM
 
Location: ohio
289 posts, read 133,042 times
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I am replying to what nana said.. I do spend individual time with them maybe not both every night but for ex; my son an his dad will play a video game together an me and my daughter will mess around on the computer or paint each others toe nails and vice versa, but each time the fun stops she throws a fit or pouts, I don't know what's going on with her I do ask her, and I have been telling her if there is ever anything she needs to talk about I am here that I love talking to her but she just says there's nothing. We do seperate them if there is any hurting each other. They are put into seperate rooms. I do realize that she is going through things since she was way closer to my dad who just passed away in oct. than my son was. I know how much pain I am in so I imagine she is in just as much even though she barely brings it up. I also do know that when my youngest is getting attention she does either act out or something so that probably has something to do with it. But I try to be fair and give both same amount of attention, or same amount of w/e . I know she is getting older but it seems like all she wants to do anymore is watch tv or play on tablet, so I am having trouble finding things to connect with her with. I worry about how late she stays up b/c you can tell the next day by her mood if she was up late when she was supposed to be sleeping. I do sometimes think it is easier to make my son happy than her an that makes me feel bad.
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Old 03-27-2016, 11:21 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,842,380 times
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It appears both children know how to run the home instead of the parents running the home. First, give them separate rooms, after that take parenting classes to see if that will help. There is no reason for any child to whine and get what she/he wants. The only reason that behavior continues is because parents allow it to continue.
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Old 03-27-2016, 11:37 PM
 
Location: ohio
289 posts, read 133,042 times
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I can't afford to move so that they could have seperate rooms. Also they don't get what they want when they whine, we just have to listen to the pounting/whining w/e and I am tired of that even going on when they don't get their way, b/c when they are good they do get to have rewards or do fun things. So it isn't fair that they even act like that when the fun time is over they whine, when they don't get to do w/e it is when they want they whine and I am trying to figure out a way to stop the whining.
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Old 03-27-2016, 11:41 PM
 
Location: ohio
289 posts, read 133,042 times
Reputation: 209
I don't reward the whining. I am not going to allow them something if they don't listen. Like if I want their room clean and they don't do it an then they are in trouble but ask for their tablet even though they didn't clean their room I won't give it to them so then I have to listen to the whining/pouting. They know why they didn't get it but it still doesn't motivate them to do what they were told. Also if I do give them tablet or w/e it is when they are being good but then turn it off after awhile of them using it say b/c it is bedtime they act the same way an give me a hard time so either way eventually its a problem.
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