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I'm an only child. I never met my dad. I'm now in my early 30's. I've always felt unloved, alone and like my mother hated me. Here's a few reasons why...
[Snip]
Do I have wrong expectations of a mother? What is your relationship with your adult child like? Are you concerned when they are sick or did that stop at 18? Do you enjoy spending time with them every now and then?
You have the wrong expectations for the mother you have. She's told you many times and it appears your fantasy mother has a stronger hold over reality. You do have some ideas about what it takes to be a good mother, but you can't try to impose that role on someone who clearly doesn't want to be so.
Go ahead and let it go. There's no need to be creating situations where you're continually rejected, it doesn't do anyone good.
Susie, no your relationship with your mom is not normal. It never will be. I'm sorry, wish I could tell you different. Your mom is what she is and nothing you can do will change her. It's very sad and I feel so bad for you, but you really just need to figure out how to mourn the fact that you can't have a relationship with someone who is so self-centered. Who knows what made her this way? It really doesn't matter, because this is just the reality that exists. You will drive yourself crazy and just keep getting hurt if you keep expecting her to change. If it were me, I probably would focus on my aunts and cousins for female family bonding.
When people say your expectations are too high, they don't mean that you shouldn't have those things you long for. Rather they mean that expecting anything from the block of ice that gave birth to you will only result in further pain. I'm sorry you never got to meet your father. Maybe someday you will meet your half- sisters and find friendship.
People get two chances in life to have a good parent/child relationship, one as the child and one as the parent. You got screwed out of the first one, so I hope, if you have a child one day, you can be the mother that you always wanted your mom to be. In the meantime, form new bonds with caring women in your life. Perhaps when you get married you can bond with your MIL and have a good adult mother/child relationship.
I am sorry your mother is such a non-maternal person. You are not alone.
You can change the behavior cycle with yourself. Get some counseling to work out how to deal with her (ifbyou want yo bother) and how to not be like her.
You have your whole life ahead of you. Get healthy and embrace it. There are people who can be your family without being your blood relations. Build a family of good friends & if you do have children, you can be a loving maternal mom. Good luck.
Sounds like she's a bit of a narcissist. I think it's best that you just keep your distance and focus on building strong relationships with other people - a chosen family rather than a biological family. Don't rely on your mother in any way. I also think it would be good to visit a therapist for a bit (not necessarily long term) to come to terms with this and to sort of learn how functional romantic and familial relationships work and also friendships. Your view is likely quite skewed because your mother has been your primary template. At the very least, a good therapist will be able to recommend some books during the first visit.
There's a book called "Emotional Intelligence" by a guy called Goleman that I think you would find helpful.
Location: Subconscious Syncope, USA (Northeastern US)
2,365 posts, read 2,148,041 times
Reputation: 3814
Quote:
Originally Posted by SusieSusie
Hello, firstly, thanks for taking out the time to read and respond to me. Since you mentioned rape, I thought I'd share all that I know. Sorry, it will be a little long.
I have wondered about rape too. I even asked her years ago if that was why I never met my dad. She sticks to that she wasn't. She has also changed up her story about him though the years.
The very first time I asked about him as a little kid, she angrily told me he had told her he would stay with her if she aborted me, but she chose to keep me.
By time I became around 13, I simply asked for little details such as his name, where he was from, how they met, etc. She seemed sad and frustrated, but she answered, then told me since I wanted to know about him, I needed to go find him and ask him.
When I became an adult, I tried finding him with no luck for years. A month ago, I was extremely depressed, we weren't on good terms, so I searched daily--day and night until I finally found him. I was hoping to hear his side and bond with him. Unfortunately, I'll never know the truth because one of my sisters by him informed me that he passed away a few years back.
My sister was pretty friendly, spoke to me several times, for hours, giving me information about him, her, my other siblings, etc.
Let's just say they had their own pain. A few of my sisters were mainly raised by his sister & grandmother. Their mother didn't want them, was on drugs. He couldn't keep them either because he sold drugs, stayed in and out of prison a lot. One of the younger sisters by him and their mother was in foster care, then stayed with her mother's parents, then back to foster care once they passed away.
However, my sister seemed very confused. She admitted he made bad choices with selling drugs, but she kept saying he loved his kids and wasn't the type of person to deny his kids. How when he got out of prison, he even purchased a nice house, fixed up the rooms then went and got all of them. She said a lot of times he would even tell them that he wondered if he had another kid older than them. She said, he said, he was unsure because when he asked the lady, her answers were unclear, but he tried searching for her too to see for sure if it was his child. Since I am the oldest, we are thinking that may have been me he was wondering about...
Anyhow, when I told my mother I had found my sister, I told her what my sister said, her story changed. When younger, she first told me he told her to abort me, but now that she knows I found my sister, she has said the following on different days we've spoken about it:
"I don't know, maybe he didn't know I was pregnant, but I think I told him."
"Yea, I told him, because he told me he had heard this other man was the daddy. After I had you, I saw him, he asked me what did we have, I think I told him a girl then kept walking or I may have totally ignored him."
Now, she even claims that she broke up with him first, then a few weeks later she found out she was pregnant, she went and told him, he said he couldn't have kids.
After all these inconsistent lies, she wonders why I don't trust that she is telling me the truth... I can only compare my mother's many lies with my sister story, but I'll never know what truly happened nor why she seems to hate me.
They aren't necessarily lies. Sometimes we block painful things from our conscious memory. Sometimes we tell a story so often to cover the truth, that we do become mentally-ill in a way, as that story becomes one's new reality. She obviously told him, because he knew about the possibility of another child.
I wonder if you look like him. I can see my mother in me, but once meeting my own father, there was no denying I was his child. Even his 2nd and 3rd wives acknowledge that we look just alike, with the exception that I am female.
Your Mom did a good thing keeping you - and keeping you away from your drug-dealing father. Its a criminal lifestyle, even if your father wasn't a bad guy. It attracts other crimes, and those that participate in those crimes. Its a dangerous lifestyle that could have easily landed your Mom in prison if she remained with him, while pregnant with you; or worse yet - dead. Your Moms lies aren't meant to hurt you.
If you look like your father, that makes her new reality revert back to what has hurt her for decades now.
I understand your pain totally, however, no matter what the reason for something is, you cant change who you are, nor change the events (that you had no control over) that lead to your Mom's pain and confusion.
She is right in a sense. You are young and free to go on and live a happy life, while chances are her pain and confusion will remain with her for the rest of hers. Sure, its not perfect, but I don't see in this story where she doesn't love you.
Focus on yourself, and living a good happy life. The best you can hope for is to be comfortable in your own skin, and use the strength your Mom must of had, and is alive in you, to not repeat the same mistakes she made in her youth. Listen to her, try to understand her, and know that none of this situation is your fault. She does love you, but cant love you the way you want her to.
Life happens! Best wishes!
Last edited by ConeyGirl52; 03-27-2016 at 07:43 PM..
Reason: grammar
Hello, firstly, thanks for taking out the time to read and respond to me. Since you mentioned rape, I thought I'd share all that I know. Sorry, it will be a little long.
I have wondered about rape too. I even asked her years ago if that was why I never met my dad. She sticks to that she wasn't. She has also changed up her story about him though the years.
The very first time I asked about him as a little kid, she angrily told me he had told her he would stay with her if she aborted me, but she chose to keep me.
By time I became around 13, I simply asked for little details such as his name, where he was from, how they met, etc. She seemed sad and frustrated, but she answered, then told me since I wanted to know about him, I needed to go find him and ask him.
When I became an adult, I tried finding him with no luck for years. A month ago, I was extremely depressed, we weren't on good terms, so I searched daily--day and night until I finally found him. I was hoping to hear his side and bond with him. Unfortunately, I'll never know the truth because one of my sisters by him informed me that he passed away a few years back.
My sister was pretty friendly, spoke to me several times, for hours, giving me information about him, her, my other siblings, etc.
Let's just say they had their own pain. A few of my sisters were mainly raised by his sister & grandmother. Their mother didn't want them, was on drugs. He couldn't keep them either because he sold drugs, stayed in and out of prison a lot. One of the younger sisters by him and their mother was in foster care, then stayed with her mother's parents, then back to foster care once they passed away.
However, my sister seemed very confused. She admitted he made bad choices with selling drugs, but she kept saying he loved his kids and wasn't the type of person to deny his kids. How when he got out of prison, he even purchased a nice house, fixed up the rooms then went and got all of them. She said a lot of times he would even tell them that he wondered if he had another kid older than them. She said, he said, he was unsure because when he asked the lady, her answers were unclear, but he tried searching for her too to see for sure if it was his child. Since I am the oldest, we are thinking that may have been me he was wondering about...
Anyhow, when I told my mother I had found my sister, I told her what my sister said, her story changed. When younger, she first told me he told her to abort me, but now that she knows I found my sister, she has said the following on different days we've spoken about it:
"I don't know, maybe he didn't know I was pregnant, but I think I told him."
"Yea, I told him, because he told me he had heard this other man was the daddy. After I had you, I saw him, he asked me what did we have, I think I told him a girl then kept walking or I may have totally ignored him."
Now, she even claims that she broke up with him first, then a few weeks later she found out she was pregnant, she went and told him, he said he couldn't have kids.
After all these inconsistent lies, she wonders why I don't trust that she is telling me the truth... I can only compare my mother's many lies with my sister story, but I'll never know what truly happened nor why she seems to hate me.
Thanks for sharing all this info. Sounds like there is definitely something your mom is not telling you/keeping from you regarding your dad/their relationship - for whatever reason. Regardless, it seems your mother is troubled herself - maybe mentally ill, maybe was just raised wrong herself or has had bad experiences in life and made bad choices. I don't know since I don't know her, just some thoughts. It's nice that you tracked down a sister who seems nice and was willing to talk with you, maybe she would be willing to have more of a familial relationship with you, a more normal one than you and your mom have because it's sad that other than extended family, you really (seem to) have no one else.
I think that you should probably just stop expecting anything at all from your mom, and not rely on her. Keep your distance, maybe only see her at holidays or family parties - if your family does that stuff. Don't really talk to her much, definitely don't ask her for anything. It sucks and seems so blunt and simple, but some people just don't have good parents. I know someone who has very generous parents, not bad people, but they moved a couple hours away once their kids grew up and now barely ever see their kids or attend their grandkids' functions - graduations, weddings, literally anything else. Sometimes they don't even make it to holidays. They are not bad people, just have a weird idea of how a relationship between grown kids and their parents should be. They feel like once their kids grew up, their job was done, and life was theirs again to do as they wish.
Your mother seems different, as you say you always felt like she hated you and you felt "alone" growing up (this person I know and her siblings didn't feel that way at all), but my point is that some people just have weird parents who defy what society generally sees as "normal." Whether it's due to mental illness or just that person being a bit off or having been raised differently themselves, I guess we may never totally know.
What I know for sure is the relationship you have with her and how she treats you is not good for you. She seems to be a toxic person for you, and you don't need that.
I understand your pain totally, however, no matter what the reason for something is, you cant change who you are, nor change the events (that you had no control over) that lead to your Mom's pain and confusion.
She is right in a sense. You are young and free to go on and live a happy life, while chances are her pain and confusion will remain with her for the rest of hers. Sure, its not perfect, but I don't see in this story where she doesn't love you.
Focus on yourself, and living a good happy life. The best you can hope for is to be comfortable in your own skin, and use the strength your Mom must of had, and is alive in you, to not repeat the same mistakes she made in her youth. Listen to her, try to understand her, and know that none of this situation is your fault. She does love you, but cant love you the way you want her to.
You've got to be kidding me.
I don't think I've ever read a more condescending piece of so-called "advice" in this forum. You should never EVER tell another person that the hurt they feel is wrong. You don't have that right.
The OP is under ZERO obligation to "try to understand" her cold and callous mother. I don't know where you pulled this "your mother does love you" crap from, perhaps from the same smarmy bucket of platitudes about how all mothers are saints and "Don't say that about her, she's your mother."
The fact remains: Some people who give birth are self-focused people who are incapable of loving others.
Location: Subconscious Syncope, USA (Northeastern US)
2,365 posts, read 2,148,041 times
Reputation: 3814
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat
You've got to be kidding me.
I don't think I've ever read a more condescending piece of so-called "advice" in this forum. You should never EVER tell another person that the hurt they feel is wrong. You don't have that right.
The OP is under ZERO obligation to "try to understand" her cold and callous mother. I don't know where you pulled this "your mother does love you" crap from, perhaps from the same smarmy bucket of platitudes about how all mothers are saints and "Don't say that about her, she's your mother."
The fact remains: Some people who give birth are self-focused people who are incapable of loving others.
Her mother made a conscious choice to keep her. Or, at least that is what the OP said.
If you have never lived her life, or mine - which you obviously haven't - who are you to criticize?
I accept your totally unexperienced opinion as your entitlement. I stand on what I said, and I'm entitled to do that to.
3. Everyone else I know have parents that care and worry about them when they are sick, etc. regardless of age. However, in my early 20's I became extremely ill to where I didn't know if I'd survive. Since I was living at home while in college, I asked my mother to drop me off at the hospital. On the way there, she called my aunt, complained about me the entire time.
The hard truth is that bad people exist, and unfortunately your mother is one of them. Stupid, and narcisstic, and like many parents like her, one day they wake up with cancer, or leukemia, or something similar and the children that should be there aren't there. And they shouldn't be there, either.
I think you should prepare yourself for a life without her as attempting to maintain a relationship with her costs you more than you will ever get back. I also think you should tell her this, as well as prepare her for spending the rest of her life without you helping her in her times of need as an option. Say for example when she cannot walk from the bed to the bathroom, or to the kitchen in order to feed herself. There's an a level of arrogance that only stupid people can achieve, the idea that they will always have their physical capabilities and that if they don't need anyone now, they will never need anyone, ever. They live their lives in this way until one day they discover that they were wrong and then of course it's too late. I know someone who's father sacrificed both of his children in order to focus all of his time and attention on his stupid and narcissist wife. Now after a couple of strokes his mentally deranged, cannot care for himself and the stupid wife he sacrificed everyone and everything for has decided that she can no longer take care of him, after all "she has a life too" and so she is abandoning him in one state and moving with her son to another taking with her all of their marital assets and leaving him old, sick and impoverished. He was a multi-millionaire 10 years ago, and now he will probably become a ward of the state. His wife lives quite well. After all, she has a life too.
Point? Don't let your youth and inexperience be an excuse to be stupid and short-sighted like your mother. Prepare for the time when you will no longer be able to take care of yourself and set-up a social network to replace the family you do not have. Inform your mother that you will not be there for her when she finally one day discovers that she needs you, and has occasion to realize the consequences of her short-sighted stupidity.
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