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I'm an only child. I never met my dad. I'm now in my early 30's. I've always felt unloved, alone and like my mother hated me. Here's a few reasons why...
1. My friends have a bond with their mother. Every once in a while, they go on cruises together, shopping, spa, etc. My mother on the other hand becomes upset for me even suggesting we do something together. However, she gets excited when one of her friends or siblings want to do something with her. If a sibling of hers chooses to spend time with their kid instead of her, she becomes very hurt and angry. This has always saddened and confused me...
2. She makes it very clear that there shouldn't be much of a relationship between the child and parent once an adult. Whenever I tell her that I'm her daughter, with frustration, she reminds me that I stopped being her child when I turned 18.
3. Everyone else I know have parents that care and worry about them when they are sick, etc. regardless of age. However, in my early 20's I became extremely ill to where I didn't know if I'd survive. Since I was living at home while in college, I asked my mother to drop me off at the hospital. On the way there, she called my aunt, complained about me the entire time.
It was one of many horrible experiences I'll never forget. While in so much physical pain, my mother added emotional pain by talking so badly about me. She was completely unconcerned about my health.
4. She has always took everyone side over mines--even when she knows I'm in the right. Times when a so-called friend misused me, a time when a male neighbor stalked/harassed me, etc. she teamed with them against me....
5. Embarrassing things I've told her in privacy, she will mention in front of others.
Do I have wrong expectations of a mother? What is your relationship with your adult child like? Are you concerned when they are sick or did that stop at 18? Do you enjoy spending time with them every now and then?
First time poster, I think you know none of this is "normal." That said, there is no such thing as normal, but at the very least I would expect a parent to be worried when a child was sick.
OP- You already know the answer to your question. Your mom is cold and callous. Her problem, she made it yours while you were very young. Don't make it yours forever. Have no expectations of her or you will always be disappointed. You're an adult. Move on from the dysfunction.
Get the toxic people out of your life. Find good, caring friends to be in your life. If you have other relatives who are kind people, try to have relationships with them. Put your mom behind you.
Sensitive questions that you totally don't have to answer, but was your mother raped? Why have you never met your dad? Was he not a good guy? Maybe he treated her badly. All guesses here because I don't know so I don't mean to be insulting if I'm totally wrong.
If your mother is willing to hangout with her siblings but not you, I don't think it's as simple as her being a cold person. I would say there is something about you or, probably more likely, your existence that she despises, that's why I asked if she was raped and got pregnant with you. But you also said that she gets mad if her siblings choose to hangout with their kids instead of HER, so maybe your mother has a few screws loose. Either way, her entire view of parenthood seems warped for whatever reason.
My honest guess would be your mother didn't truly want a kid and is taking it out on you. She sees your adulthood as HER "freedom" and thinks that she's no longer responsible for you, even at the simplest level of naturally giving you the time of day and wanting to spend time with you. I'm really truly sorry that for whatever reason, she is so awful to you. I would feel terrible if I were treated the same.
Hello, firstly, thanks for taking out the time to read and respond to me. Since you mentioned rape, I thought I'd share all that I know. Sorry, it will be a little long.
I have wondered about rape too. I even asked her years ago if that was why I never met my dad. She sticks to that she wasn't. She has also changed up her story about him though the years.
The very first time I asked about him as a little kid, she angrily told me he had told her he would stay with her if she aborted me, but she chose to keep me.
By time I became around 13, I simply asked for little details such as his name, where he was from, how they met, etc. She seemed sad and frustrated, but she answered, then told me since I wanted to know about him, I needed to go find him and ask him.
When I became an adult, I tried finding him with no luck for years. A month ago, I was extremely depressed, we weren't on good terms, so I searched daily--day and night until I finally found him. I was hoping to hear his side and bond with him. Unfortunately, I'll never know the truth because one of my sisters by him informed me that he passed away a few years back.
My sister was pretty friendly, spoke to me several times, for hours, giving me information about him, her, my other siblings, etc.
Let's just say they had their own pain. A few of my sisters were mainly raised by his sister & grandmother. Their mother didn't want them, was on drugs. He couldn't keep them either because he sold drugs, stayed in and out of prison a lot. One of the younger sisters by him and their mother was in foster care, then stayed with her mother's parents, then back to foster care once they passed away.
However, my sister seemed very confused. She admitted he made bad choices with selling drugs, but she kept saying he loved his kids and wasn't the type of person to deny his kids. How when he got out of prison, he even purchased a nice house, fixed up the rooms then went and got all of them. She said a lot of times he would even tell them that he wondered if he had another kid older than them. She said, he said, he was unsure because when he asked the lady, her answers were unclear, but he tried searching for her too to see for sure if it was his child. Since I am the oldest, we are thinking that may have been me he was wondering about...
Anyhow, when I told my mother I had found my sister, I told her what my sister said, her story changed. When younger, she first told me he told her to abort me, but now that she knows I found my sister, she has said the following on different days we've spoken about it:
"I don't know, maybe he didn't know I was pregnant, but I think I told him."
"Yea, I told him, because he told me he had heard this other man was the daddy. After I had you, I saw him, he asked me what did we have, I think I told him a girl then kept walking or I may have totally ignored him."
Now, she even claims that she broke up with him first, then a few weeks later she found out she was pregnant, she went and told him, he said he couldn't have kids.
After all these inconsistent lies, she wonders why I don't trust that she is telling me the truth... I can only compare my mother's many lies with my sister story, but I'll never know what truly happened nor why she seems to hate me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerseyGirl415
Sensitive questions that you totally don't have to answer, but was your mother raped? Why have you never met your dad? Was he not a good guy? Maybe he treated her badly. All guesses here because I don't know so I don't mean to be insulting if I'm totally wrong.
If your mother is willing to hangout with her siblings but not you, I don't think it's as simple as her being a cold person. I would say there is something about you or, probably more likely, your existence that she despises, that's why I asked if she was raped and got pregnant with you. But you also said that she gets mad if her siblings choose to hangout with their kids instead of HER, so maybe your mother has a few screws loose. Either way, her entire view of parenthood seems warped for whatever reason.
My honest guess would be your mother didn't truly want a kid and is taking it out on you. She sees your adulthood as HER "freedom" and thinks that she's no longer responsible for you, even at the simplest level of naturally giving you the time of day and wanting to spend time with you. I'm really truly sorry that for whatever reason, she is so awful to you. I would feel terrible if I were treated the same.
You are expecting too much because she has proven over and over that you can't expect anything from her. I'm sorry for what you have been through, but she's not going to change.
expect nothing more than what you're getting cause that's all the woman seems capable of or willing to give. When you don't expect anything you aren't so hurt when you get nothing. It isn't your fault. Maybe it isn't her fault............in that she's got severe emotional issues??? Never the less you can't make someone care. I always say and I mean this," what others think of me is none of my business"
You say your bio dad was on drugs?
Maybe your mom was on drugs at the time too and seeing you reminds her of times she'd rather forget?
Somebody gave me some very wise advice once.. change your expectations and you won't be disappointed. It sound so simple but sometimes we hold on to hope too long hoping things will get better only to be disappointed time and time again.
You know how your mom is. Live your life without her and don't expect anything from her.
If what you've written is true, something is wrong with your mother. Find your way in life and leave her behind. Don't look back.
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