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Old 02-11-2008, 04:22 PM
 
170 posts, read 525,677 times
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Our then 14yo son(now 15) let 2 of his friends into our neighbors(actually, our relationship with them was much more than neighbors...........out socializing with them and all of us becoming known appearances at each others family functions, etc.) house with their house key which we had kept in our bedroom. Anywhoo, our son stole the key and let himself and 2 of his friends into the house and stole a PS3 and some games to go with it, worth about 1000.00. The police were called(we encouraged them to do it) and the charges ended up getting dropped. Technically, according to the report, our son was PTAC in that he let the 2 other friends in and the 1 friend is the one who actually stole it. By "law" we don't owe them anything because the charges were dropped BUT we are going to "make good" with them because the whole thing was just wrong and they WERE our friends(not anymore, by them but....KWIM?). Here are my questions:

1)how do you handle paying them the thousand bucks(cash, check?)

2)Is it possible to pay them with SOME documentation so they cannot take us to court after we pay them? I don't think they would but they aren't "friends anymore" not enemys either but not friends. We are civil.

Please, help. TIA
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Old 02-11-2008, 04:53 PM
 
Location: San Antonio-Westover Hills
6,878 posts, read 17,821,482 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Softtail_Honey View Post
Our then 14yo son(now 15) let 2 of his friends into our neighbors(actually, our relationship with them was much more than neighbors...........out socializing with them and all of us becoming known appearances at each others family functions, etc.) house with their house key which we had kept in our bedroom. Anywhoo, our son stole the key and let himself and 2 of his friends into the house and stole a PS3 and some games to go with it, worth about 1000.00. The police were called(we encouraged them to do it) and the charges ended up getting dropped. Technically, according to the report, our son was PTAC in that he let the 2 other friends in and the 1 friend is the one who actually stole it. By "law" we don't owe them anything because the charges were dropped BUT we are going to "make good" with them because the whole thing was just wrong and they WERE our friends(not anymore, by them but....KWIM?). Here are my questions:

1)how do you handle paying them the thousand bucks(cash, check?)

2)Is it possible to pay them with SOME documentation so they cannot take us to court after we pay them? I don't think they would but they aren't "friends anymore" not enemys either but not friends. We are civil.

Please, help. TIA
A couple of questions that are really none of my beeswax:

Why isn't the other kid helping with this cost or at least returning the PS3?

Are you making your son pay you back? I hope so!

So sad to see situations like this. I had a good friend when I was in junior high who stole a necklace from my sister's jewelry box and it was a similar situation with our parents. There was no going back after that.

I would suggest you print out a receipt documenting the following:

The total you are giving this couple
The form in which it is given (cash or check should be fine, I'd go with check though, for documentation purposes)
The date
Signed by you and the couple

Make copies, give them one and you keep the other.

Apologize profusely (I'm sure you already have) .

Whack your kid upside the head and make sure he PAYS you back and this is NOT over for him. In fact, I'd drag his butt over there with me if I were you, so he can see for himself what you're doing.

Consequences. Kids need 'em. 15 year old boys, especially, need 'em.

Good luck and I am SO sorry you have to go through this.

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Old 02-11-2008, 05:15 PM
 
170 posts, read 525,677 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom2Feebs View Post
A couple of questions that are really none of my beeswax:

Why isn't the other kid helping with this cost or at least returning the PS3?

Are you making your son pay you back? I hope so!
I'm not afraid to answer MOST questions lol so here goes

Answer to your first question...............Well, we figured that now that our son's case is pretty much closed(regarding this particular incident.....there are other charges too for which he is going to be sentenced for SOON) that we would settle up and call it a day. I suppose we should see (and I CAN find out) if the other 2 kids case are closed. Perhaps they(the other 2 friends are brothers) have to pay it. If the courts don't order those brothers to pay we are SOL because they only have a mother and SHE covers for them.

Answer to your second question. Absolutely yes............when he gets a job he will make payments and if he doesn't hand over the dough, then perhaps we will take him to court to get it. Please don't judge me for this statement. Last year was one hellish year beginning with lies from him to other parents about how he is treated at home, us filing over 20 missing persons reports, phone calls from the PD about him lighting off fireworks, him stealing money from my purse, vandalising a shut down school in the amount of 25 grand(which we will be facing litigation for after he is sentenced), and vandalising a funeral home. So, THAT is why if he doesn't pay that we WILL take him to court. I am not one of these parents who defends their kid for any wrong doing. For cripes sakes, my husband was almost arrested at the PD for 15yos accusations.......Sorry! Sore spot with me.
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Old 02-11-2008, 05:48 PM
 
Location: Moon Over Palmettos
5,975 posts, read 17,152,809 times
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I'm sorry that your son is a handful and that he is putting you through this. I don't know if he has had any psychological counselling and if he had, if that had shown any improvement at all. If he was our son, we would be shipping him off to military school pronto, but that's just us. We told our children (girl & boy) that we would not tolerate this type of behavior, and although we would miss them terribly in their absence, that is the action we would take. I do hope that for your family's sake, he comes to his senses before things escalate into worse things. I truly feel for you.
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Old 02-12-2008, 07:41 AM
 
Location: Chicago 'burbs'
1,022 posts, read 2,979,770 times
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It is so hard for a mother to let her children face the consequences. Our heart wants to protect them, but our heads tell us that would only hurt them in the long run. They need to face the consequences. They need tough love!

If it were my child I would : 1) Make him work his butt off, at home or a job to pay back the debt. 2) Get him into counciling of some kind. 3) NO PRIVLIGES AT ALL. No TV, No phone, NO GOING OUT WITH FRIENDS. If I can't trust you to make wise choices, you cannot leave my sight. 4) Counciling for my husband and I to learn how to handle the situation.

Military school sounds pretty good for this situation! Life at home would look pretty good after a semester at military school!

I know a Mom who's son was going down the wrong path. Around the same age. She went extream! She drove him to school and sat in the back of ALL his classes for 3 days. He had to ride with her to and from school and couldn't leave the house after school. WOW! He was so embarassed that she stayed with him during the whole school day he shaped up pretty fast. He was told the next time he got caught doing something bad, she would go to school with him for a week. I believe she had to take time off work to do what she did.

Good luck, and stick to your guns! I know it is hard, but it will pay off in the end! You are doing the right thing!
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Old 02-12-2008, 08:14 AM
 
Location: San Antonio-Westover Hills
6,878 posts, read 17,821,482 times
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I was telling my DH about this last night, and he felt things are more grim than what I was thinking originally. He thinks along the same lines as bibit612--time to start considering a military school or other options. He thinks this goes a lot deeper than just letting some kids in to mess around. After speaking with him, I tend to agree.

You have to do what works for you, but I just wanted to throw that in there.

I did some really stupid things when I was a teenager. It is actually amazing I didn't end up in jail or dead. Probably more dumb luck than anything, but I never realized just how serious some of those things were until I was significantly older. My dad always said the reason he didn't send me to the Marine Military Academy is because they didn't accept girls! It took one of my friends dying in a drunk driving incident in 1995 for me to finally hit bottom and come up out of it.

Good luck and I hope it all works out for the best possible scenario.
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Old 02-12-2008, 11:18 AM
 
170 posts, read 525,677 times
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You are right. It does run deeper. My son has an awful relationship with my husband(we both are the bio parents). My husband was hard on him and tried to set him on the straight since he was young but then DS told Social Services that he and dad watch porn(in 2nd or 3rd grade mind you and NO, before you ask, there is not any sort of thing like that going on here) and my husband pulled back and look what we have. When my husband tries to put DS feet in the fire he says these bad things to other people that my hubby does in order to divert the attention off of him. See? I think MOST of these kids problems now are a result of society allowing them the "control".

Oh, and DS spent a total of 3 weeks at a VERY good mental health facility. The problem with this? You cannot treat manipulation. THAT is behavioral and he has to want to chose to change that behavior. And yes, he has ADHD and depression. A good reason to act such as this? No way. I am not one for blaming misbehaving, etc. on mental health issues. Yes, it has some affect on his behavior but blaming ones behavior on mental health issues just doesn't work for me.

Let me give some examples of what we have done with these behaviors. *I* call the police almost every time that he leaves without permission and all they do is threaten to take him down to the station in cuffs, but never follow through. The just give him the usual "follow your parents rules" lecture. *I* called the police to report money missing from my purse to which he was "let off" because they couldn't prove he intended to keep it No ticket, nothing. When he was caught vandalising the funeral home *I* told the police officer that we were not going to pay the damages and if the funeral home wanted their money to send it through the courts in hopes that if he had to go before the judge he would change his ways. NOPE, nothing, did I say NOTHING, yeah and it was 500.00 worth of damages. The police department knows him by his first name. I have had to go to other parents houses and tell them the REAL story about what goes on here and some have light bulb moments and some still are sucked in by the manipulation so he continues to go to those houses. He no longer goes to the houses where people don't believe his "stories". He is running out of places to go now. I just refuse to continue to be the scapegoat in all this crap and I am not afraid to lay it all out there. Enough is enough. On Jan. 23rd(yeah, right before Christmas, how nice) we had to go to court and our choice for his placement til his next court day(which was Jan. 20) was at this "shelter for other teens like him. We COULD have sent him to "juvy" (in Milwaukee County, Wi?........that is some scary stuff going on there..........gangs, killers, etc) or we could have had him home and be visited every day by someone checking in on him and it would have been a huge disruption to our lives and our other 2 children who are 18 and 8(and walk the line). I am all for tough love but we just don't have the financial backing to send him away.....

As far as counseling. We have tried, but we make appointments and wa-la, he doesn't come home from school for me to take him there and that costs us 50 bucks every time we don't give 24 hours notice. I swear this kid is gonna run us bankrupt. Right now, I am taking anti-depressants and go to counseling and so do my other 2 kids. Hubby has done it in the past with DS and he pretty much got blamed and he just ain't gonna put himself out there like that anymore. K. I think I got everything covered in regards to everyones posts. lol
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Old 02-12-2008, 12:37 PM
 
1,035 posts, read 3,956,469 times
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I have a lot of experience with kids like this...I don't want to get into it but please have your son reevaluated for bipolar disorder. This is important because THE COMMON SENSE, TOUGH-LOVE APPROACH DOES NOT WORK ON BIPOLAR KIDS!!!! It makes things way worse because they thrive on the drama, chaos and suffering they are causing. Many kids are misdiagnosed with ADHD/depression when its really a mood-disorder or bipolar disorder and this is very serious.
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Old 02-12-2008, 03:19 PM
 
170 posts, read 525,677 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by texastea View Post
I have a lot of experience with kids like this...I don't want to get into it but please have your son reevaluated for bipolar disorder. This is important because THE COMMON SENSE, TOUGH-LOVE APPROACH DOES NOT WORK ON BIPOLAR KIDS!!!! It makes things way worse because they thrive on the drama, chaos and suffering they are causing. Many kids are misdiagnosed with ADHD/depression when its really a mood-disorder or bipolar disorder and this is very serious.
Okay, I'll tell ya something, which I only found out when I got DS's discharge summary last week(no. no one told me. I asked them about the depakote he was taking and they said it was for mood swings). They DID diagnose him with Bi-polar and I was like umm, I don't think so. With MY knowledge, I just didn't think he did. And the police officer that is mentoring DS said that often times mental health hospitals do "quick fixes". And I am right now looking into a psych for a full psych workup for DS. Wow, and you know what. I really didn't want him to have that. That may be the bigger part of me not believing it. So. There ya go. Throw at me what ever you can.
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Old 02-12-2008, 06:46 PM
 
1,035 posts, read 3,956,469 times
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I really, really feel your pain. I know how hard it is to deal with this and I'm sorry you and your family are going through it, although you sound like a strong person and can handle your share I'm so glad he's getting a full psych workup and I'll hope for the best possible outcome.

If you want to talk or hear more about what we've learned about bipolar kids, feel free to DM me. God bless!

Last edited by texastea; 02-12-2008 at 06:56 PM..
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