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Old 03-29-2016, 02:26 PM
 
Location: Denver CO
18,999 posts, read 10,047,592 times
Reputation: 27766

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Quote:
I've taken my daughter to a children's counselor but she doesn't heed their advice. I've also made a list of 20 calm-down techniques that we go over together. She really likes that but in the heat of the moment she totally forgets them all.
She's 7! It's your job as her mother to help her utilize these techniques to try to calm down in the heat of the moment, not her job as a little kid. Sending her to her room is the opposite of helping her.
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Old 03-29-2016, 07:35 PM
 
Location: Hawaii
4 posts, read 2,184 times
Reputation: 15
I don't think the way she is acting is normal behavior. At school and at Girl Scouts she has trouble as well. I notice the other kids don't. Just this past weekend she was the only kid at a birthday party having constant anxiety issues. She gets so in the moment that I can't calm her down, as hard as I try. These are just a few examples. So, my gut tells me this is not normal.

Regarding timeouts, I still use them. But in regard to disrespecting me, they never worked. So, that is why I spank and it works. She rarely disrespects me. My husband does not spank her and she disrespects him more often. Disrespecting me is the only time I use spankings. All else, I use time outs and loss of privileges. There are conflicted research articles regarding spanking effectiveness, btw.

I'm so burnt out from being the referee between my daughters and calming down my daughter many times a day. yes, I am the mom- I need to be know everything and react perfectly right? That's not real life... I think a lot of families got an easier dynamic than me and that's why it seems so simple to them.
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Old 03-29-2016, 07:38 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,062 posts, read 37,695,377 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sumomumo View Post
But in regard to disrespecting me, they never worked. So, that is why I spank and it works. She rarely disrespects me. My husband does not spank her and she disrespects him more often. Disrespecting me is the only time I use spankings.
So what, exactly, is she doing when she "disrespects" you?
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Old 03-29-2016, 07:51 PM
 
383 posts, read 265,814 times
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My daughter started some similar behaviors around the age of 8. We had a good 6 months of Category 5 Melt downs. Our daughter's therapist recommended a program called, "Total Transformation." It's geared towards older kids, but you can modify for younger kiddos. It worked wonders for us. It's about 6 CDs that you listen to. I highly recommend it. She's now 10, and she's doing 100% better. She still occasionally has tantrums, but they are short lived, she goes to her room and she calms herself down.

My daughter has executive functioning issues, which are issues that relate to impulse control, emotional control, organization etc. Another good book is "Smart Scattered." It gives good info on exactly what executive functioning is, and what happens to gets that are delayed in this area. It also gives you strategies to help your child.

I know that now my daughter is older and has had therapy for a while, she is able to tell us what it is like when she is in one of those tantrum/meltdown modes. She has said that she wants to pull herself out of it, but she's not able to.
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Old 03-30-2016, 12:28 AM
 
Location: Hawaii
4 posts, read 2,184 times
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Thanks everyone for the advice. I'm definitely thinking things over on how to proceed. I have a feeling everything will be okay for both of us.
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Old 03-30-2016, 10:18 AM
 
1,891 posts, read 1,133,521 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sumomumo View Post
I don't think the way she is acting is normal behavior. At school and at Girl Scouts she has trouble as well. I notice the other kids don't. Just this past weekend she was the only kid at a birthday party having constant anxiety issues. She gets so in the moment that I can't calm her down, as hard as I try. These are just a few examples. So, my gut tells me this is not normal.

Regarding timeouts, I still use them. But in regard to disrespecting me, they never worked. So, that is why I spank and it works. She rarely disrespects me. My husband does not spank her and she disrespects him more often. Disrespecting me is the only time I use spankings. All else, I use time outs and loss of privileges. There are conflicted research articles regarding spanking effectiveness, btw.

I'm so burnt out from being the referee between my daughters and calming down my daughter many times a day. yes, I am the mom- I need to be know everything and react perfectly right? That's not real life... I think a lot of families got an easier dynamic than me and that's why it seems so simple to them.

Mama's gut is almost always right.


Anxiety issues are a different beast than behavior issues. I'm reading a few different problems - a behavior issue with her sister that you can solve with rules and timeouts, the homework thing, and also an anxiety issue in public. Which I think is a completely different issue.


My son also has anxiety issues in public. This one is tough. Step one is figuring out what the trigger is. For my son, his trigger is being given the spotlight in any way shape or form. He would freak out at circle time, and it took us forever to realize it's because he was afraid to have his name called in the circle. Step 2, after you identify the trigger, is to slowly and gradually desensitize them to the trigger. (I learned this from a therapist I took him to.) You try to pare the trigger down to the least scary version, and you practice having it happen over and over and over again, with nothing bad happening. In my son's example, we did circle time at home with just me and him and his bedroom and I'd practice calling on him, etc. The idea is that they eventually come to realize that nothing bad is going to happen after the trigger. Then you gradually start to ramp up the experiences - for example I added daddy and then big sister to circle time at home, and then later a mommy and me class. Also, while you are working on it, give him a tool to use during "regular life" to deal with his trigger. For example, I taught him to say "no thank you" whenever he is called on in preschool, and told his teacher what I was doing so that she would call on him, have him say no thank you, and then move on to the next child. Once he figured out how to do this, he would sit in circle time with no problems.


It may take a while to figure out the trigger. You may have to basically run "experiments" on your child. But it's important to figure it out, because once you do, you can try and work on helping them deal with their trigger.


You don't have to react perfectly every time. You just have to do your best every time, and realize that occasionally you will mess up. Sometimes it helps if you apologize to your children when you mess up, because they tend to forgive you really fast and are great at making you feel better with little hugs and kisses. And yes, momming is very tiring and easy to burn out. Take breaks, get help, take it day by day, appreciate the little moments, and just keep trucking. You can do this.
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Old 03-30-2016, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,298 posts, read 20,550,720 times
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I agree listen to your gut. I had two occasions I knew something was off with my son. One instance he wasn't speaking well and the teacher said not to worry. I pressed the issue and had him evaluated. Thank goodness he needed intervention!

Talk to a counselor to come up with coping techniques for your daughter. Since you suffer from anxiety you know the more it happens, the worse it gets. Your daughter needs to learn how to control it now. Find a therapist that will help her with cognitive therapy.
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Old 03-30-2016, 01:49 PM
 
13,010 posts, read 12,445,977 times
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First, get her evaluated for ADD/ADHD. I didn't have a little sister, but I was definitely in the "gifted" category, and I was a bundle of anxiety and stress even from the time I was 7. Actually, at 7, I was briefly hospitalized for stomach aches - they were a manifestation of stress and largely psychosomatic.

I was not diagnosed with ADD until I was almost 30. I still did great in school - high school valedictorian, Ivy League degree, but I'm 40 and I just learned how to manage all the things on my plate. Your daughter doesn't need to wait that long. It doesn't even mean she needs to be medicated - it just lets her know why she is feeling the way she does.

And stop with the spanking. It's probably the worst thing you can do with a highly intelligent and high-anxiety child. I guarantee you that she just feels more justified by her behavior when you do that.

You need rules and structure and a system of rewards and punishment - when she steps out of line with her sister, she loses a privilege and she has to earn it back. My parents used to send me to the bathroom when I was bad - water and a toilet were already there, but no books or toys. And when she exhibits kindness or tolerance towards her sister, she receives effusive praise and acknowledgement.

And you need to model the behavior you desire. Kindness, discipline, moderation, respectful language, etc. - she has to witness this from you and your husband.

I'm an only child and not a parent, but the situation you describe is not unusual for siblings. My mother's first words upon seeing her new baby sister were "Send it back." And they have tons of stories about her bossing the younger kids around.

I really think this isn't a huge deal and your anxiety may be blowing this out of proportion. I'd focus on getting a grip on your own anxiety first off so that you can model acceptable behavior and coping skills for your daughter and then work closely with her therapist to understand how to implement the advice you are both given. She's 7 - she's not gonna remember "calming excercises" in the heat of the moment. You need to take charge.

I'd also get her into some activities. Soccer, t-ball, art classes, etc. - she needs a separate identity from her sister.
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Old 03-30-2016, 02:06 PM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,676,345 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sumomumo View Post
I suffer from anxiety and worry about everything unless I am medicated.

Sounds like your kid inherited this from you. Time for a doctor's visit.
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Old 03-31-2016, 11:11 PM
 
67 posts, read 44,482 times
Reputation: 133
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sumomumo View Post
I don't think the way she is acting is normal behavior. At school and at Girl Scouts she has trouble as well. I notice the other kids don't. Just this past weekend she was the only kid at a birthday party having constant anxiety issues. She gets so in the moment that I can't calm her down, as hard as I try. These are just a few examples. So, my gut tells me this is not normal.

Regarding timeouts, I still use them. But in regard to disrespecting me, they never worked. So, that is why I spank and it works. She rarely disrespects me. My husband does not spank her and she disrespects him more often. Disrespecting me is the only time I use spankings. All else, I use time outs and loss of privileges. There are conflicted research articles regarding spanking effectiveness, btw.

I'm so burnt out from being the referee between my daughters and calming down my daughter many times a day. yes, I am the mom- I need to be know everything and react perfectly right? That's not real life... I think a lot of families got an easier dynamic than me and that's why it seems so simple to them.
No disrespect meant, but do you by any chance think she is just mimicking your behaviors? You keep mentioning she has anxiety issues, in which you said you are treated for. Can you look at the life of someone, a young child, having those same type of issues and instead of mother understanding and helping her find methods to work through it, you compare her to other kids. Don't compare her to other kids. Those other kids don't matter and ALL kids act differently from all kids at different moments.
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