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Old 03-27-2008, 06:23 PM
 
16 posts, read 67,482 times
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It's me the step mom with the dramatic life...

My husbands exwife doesnt speak to her mother. This has gone on for a year now. We realized this when my step son mention he hadnt seen his grandma in 3 months. She lives very close by and we have since taken bike rides by the house to say hello. And it has turned into gift exchanges at our home and visits. So his ex-mother inlaw comes to our home to see her grandson. She is a very nice woman, has a nice home, and a great job. An honest hard working woman. My step son loves his grandma and enjoys any time he gets to see her.

We made her day Easter Sunday by letting her have her grandson for a few hours. She cried and thanked us a million times.

Just last night his ex said if we ever took her son to see her mother again she would file a restraining order. I have spoke to her mother about the lack of communication and she has no clue why her daughter has imposed this silent treatment.

I know it is our right on how we choose to spend time with the little man. I feel awful if we can never take my step son to see his grandma.

What to do.... Advice please.
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Old 03-27-2008, 07:00 PM
b75
 
950 posts, read 3,455,901 times
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I think you should respect his mother's wishes. It isn't like she is restricting your right to see your husband's mother; this is her mother & her relationship. There may be something else at play here for all you know. Of course if he is a teen and old enough to leave for periods of time himself (ie go on bike rides etc.) he may just stop over at Grandma's via his own volition.
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Old 03-27-2008, 07:01 PM
 
190 posts, read 679,120 times
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On one hand I would tell you to respect the mothers wishes, but I also hate to see a child miss out on grandparent time.
I think if the grandmother in question wants to see her grandchild she should take up the issue. Many judges these days recognize grandparents rights.
My ex used my mother as a free babysitter for years. Even going so far as having her drive an hour to pick up the kids. When they were old enough that they no longer needed a sitter he complained to a judge that he had to pick them up from her house one time! The judge told him he fully supported grandparents rights and that he would be responsible for taking them to see her on a regular basis. So he ended up getting more than he bargained for by pushing the issue.
Does your husband have any sort of working relationship with his ex? He has as much right as her to say whom the child sees.
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Old 03-27-2008, 07:17 PM
 
Location: Chicago
2,467 posts, read 12,211,540 times
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Honestly, unless the gma has done something bad you don't know about, the mom can't get a restraining order. I would use your judgement here and have your husband tell his ex that unless she would like to give a good reason why, he will be allowed to have contact with his gma when he is in your custody. Again, your husband also has a right to determine who his child sees.
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Old 03-27-2008, 07:33 PM
 
Location: USA
1,244 posts, read 3,215,797 times
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I agree with what Alter and jessiegirl have said. The father in this case has just as much right to determine who his child see's or doesn't see as the mother does. As jessiegirl said, he (NOT you) needs to address the mother on this and tell her that unless she provides justifiable reason for why his son should not see his grandmother, then he will continue to afford their child the right to a relationship with a grandmother he loves. End of story. She can take it to court if she wants but without a valid reason, she can not prevent your husband from allowing his son to see his grandmother while their son is in his custody. It is his time and if he choose to allow some of that time to be shared with the child's grandparent, that is his right to do so.

However, I do place emphasis on this.. He has to be the one to take that stand. You need to stay out of it as you are the step-mother and the decisions regarding this matter and that child need to be worked out and determined or fought, whichever it may be, between the two of them. To toss yourself in the middle of that war will only prove detrimental in the long run. I wouldn't do it.
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Old 03-28-2008, 07:49 AM
 
1,363 posts, read 5,912,548 times
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Default Do what the mother says

It doesn't matter how nice you think her mother is, you do not know everything about their history. I can tell you from 1st hand experience, she may have a very good reason for not wanting her child around her mother. My sister is currently not speaking to our mother. Everybody who is not related to the both of them thinks my sister should just let poor grandma see her grandkids because she does a great job of not letting other people see or know the toxicity she brings to my sister's life which then trickles into her children's lives and my mom does a great job of playing the "I just don't know why she won't talk to me or let me see the kids" card when she has been told repeatedly why and refuses to do anything to remedy the situation. I cannot stress strongly enough that you and your husband honor your step-son's mother's feelings when it comes to dealing with HER mother. Think of how you would feel if somebody undermined your authority with your children like that. You may not agree with her, and that's fine, but it's not your place to go against her in this matter.
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Old 03-28-2008, 08:02 AM
 
Location: USA
1,952 posts, read 4,772,140 times
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I agree, you should respect the Mother's wishes. You don't know the whole story.
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Old 03-28-2008, 09:24 AM
 
5,652 posts, read 19,283,896 times
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I don't see a problem when grandma is over at YOUR house where the child is under his father's supervision there - why he couldn't his grandma visit? What if there is a party and she is there? Unless there was a good reason to say NO, the dad should OK the visit if he is comfortable with it. If he feels it is in the best interest of his son to see her.

If it were just you there, or if you are sending the kid to grandma's house after he goes to your house, or he was spending time alone with gramma, I could see where the ex may have an issue.

And yes, this is Dad's problem - not stepmoms.
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Old 03-28-2008, 10:20 AM
 
1,623 posts, read 6,504,198 times
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Call her bluff. If your husband can't get a valid reason out of the ex as to why he should stop, then continue allowing the boy to see his grandmother - if the boy is anxious to see her, I fail to see who this is harming. I'm not sure how all the custody stuff works but if you wanted to leave him with a friend of yours for a few hours alone, or even his paternal grandparents, you would be well within your rights to do so, right?

So while it is nice to ask the ex her opinion and give her a chance to speak up for her reasoning, her permission is not required in order for your husband to do as he wishes as long as its in a safe and reasonable manner.

Sometimes illogical behavior comes from illogical people, plain and simple.
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Old 03-28-2008, 10:52 AM
 
Location: USA
1,244 posts, read 3,215,797 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by regarese View Post
It doesn't matter how nice you think her mother is, you do not know everything about their history. I can tell you from 1st hand experience, she may have a very good reason for not wanting her child around her mother. My sister is currently not speaking to our mother. Everybody who is not related to the both of them thinks my sister should just let poor grandma see her grandkids because she does a great job of not letting other people see or know the toxicity she brings to my sister's life which then trickles into her children's lives and my mom does a great job of playing the "I just don't know why she won't talk to me or let me see the kids" card when she has been told repeatedly why and refuses to do anything to remedy the situation. I cannot stress strongly enough that you and your husband honor your step-son's mother's feelings when it comes to dealing with HER mother. Think of how you would feel if somebody undermined your authority with your children like that. You may not agree with her, and that's fine, but it's not your place to go against her in this matter.
I understand what you are saying and totally agree with you that if there is a valid reason or concern the mother's wishes should be honored. I also totally agree that it is not this step-mother's place to go against those wishes, however, if the child's Father does not see a problem, reason or concern in allowing his child to see the maternal grandmother while the child is in his care/custody, then to go against that is undermining his authority.

We don't know what the circumstances are that cause this child's mother to not have a relationship with her mother and not allow her child to have one either. That is why it would be prudent for the father to know what the reasons are prior to determining whether or not to continue allowing his child to have contact or not. If the mother has valid reasons, it is then prudent for her to divulge those reasons to the father so that he may understand the reasons rather than demand that he cease allowing contact without giving explanation. That is the child's grandmother whether she likes it or not. What is going on between her and her mother is between them and is sad that it would affect the child if there is no valid reason or justification for it.

For all that is known, there is no valid justification. Children cease relationship with their parents for any number of reasons, some valid, some not so valid. I know in the case of my ex-husband, his ex-wife for the longest time did cease speaking to her mother and was angry at her because her mother sided with my ex-husband during and after the divorce because of the fact that her daughter had cheated on her husband while married and left the marriage. She felt my ex-husband was a good man and welcomed him into her home. When her daughter made it difficult for my ex-husband to see his child, the grand-mother made it possible. This is an example of where the break in relationship between mother and daughter is not always justifiable.

For all we know, the reason this daughter does not want a relationship with her mother is because her mother does not agree with certain aspects of her daughter's life, behavior or parenting skills. This does not warrant a danger to the child or reason to prevent the child from having a relationship with the grandmother (so long as the grandmother is not bad mouthing the child's mother to the child of course, which could then serve as detrimental to the child).

This is why the father MUST find out what the mother's reasons are in not wanting their child to have contact with the maternal grandmother. If the reasons are valid and justifiable then he should honor the mother's wishes. If however, the reasons are not valid or justifiable but just of a personal nature based on something that is irrelevant to the child, then no... father should have equal right to determine who the child can have contact with or not.

The first step would be to find out what the reason's are. That would be my advice.
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