U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Happy Easter!
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Thread summary:

Parenting help: renting an apartment, caring for an elderly parent, depression, suicidal tendencies.

 
Old 02-12-2008, 08:01 AM
 
Location: Moon Over Palmettos
5,975 posts, read 17,142,113 times
Reputation: 4989

Advertisements

I am married with 2 pre-teen children and living in the south. My parents, 78 and 95 respectively rent an apartment in the opposite coast. My youngest sister, a single-parent lives close by but in her own home. My parents are first generation immigrants from Asia with very Asian values about family, and death. My father at 95 is blind in one eye, practically deaf in both ears and walks with a walker. Other than the normal signs of aging, he appears to be healthy. My mother on the other hand, has started to feel the ravages of arthritis on her knees and is now also walking on a walker. Lately, my sister has been thrown into the caregiver role more than anybody else. I have another married but childless sister out of the country. Baby sis who works full time has now been doing groceries for them, driving them to the doc, and is also now doing such chores as laundry. She is stretched thin. I have offered for my parents to come live with us for many many years but they have been adamantly against weather (when we were in CT), and before we bought our current house, have extended the invitation to them to join us. Now that my setup is going to be impossible for them to navigate (no downstairs bedrooms or baths), I can't say it's practical for people in walkers to move in with me. Baby sis used to say that if my dad were to pass on, she would take my mom to live with her. Recently though, it apears that she has had a change of mind since there were many occasions when Mom would interfere in the discipline process Baby Sis tries to institute with her 8-year old. This is just one of the many issues she has with Mom.

Mom feels she is unduly burdened with the care of Dad. He not only refuses to go to a nursing home...he actually probably only needs assisted living...in addition, they don't have the resources to actually pay for one. Mom refuses to discuss any advance directives of any sort and has the "que sera sera"attitude typical of people her age in the country we grew up in. I am terrified at the thought that when the inevitable comes, Baby Sis and I will be left with very little options and very little time to react. If she were to fly to Middle Sis, someone would still have to take off work for at least two weeks (flights are min 18 hours each way) to leave her with Middle Sis, who with her DH also work full time.

I would love to hear insights and suggestions from those of you who are forced to take care of your parents while taking care of your kids. Dad passing on early is the better scenario (don't mean to sound so harsh!), but things are even hairier if for any reason, Mom predeceases him.

Thanks for all your input!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 02-12-2008, 08:13 AM
 
4,963 posts, read 3,925,200 times
Reputation: 2917
We are in kind of the same boat. We live in NY, my mil lives in Ireland ; 3000 miles away. She is alone ; both her children live here and she has no siblings or husband alive ; she is literally the last of her generation. She is 78, but not in good health mentally or physically. We have two young children here.

Its very hard. Last week my dh got a phone call from her saying she was suicidal ; she wasnt, but she was looking for attention. Her dh died about 9 years ago and since then she has been going downhill. Like you, she refuses to go into any kind of extended care,assisted living or anything, she also refuses to have home help ;she turned them away last year.

Dont have any answers, but jsut wanted to let you know you arent alone

d
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-12-2008, 12:35 PM
 
15,187 posts, read 16,039,895 times
Reputation: 25081
We're the sandwich generation. My mom is 83 and my daughter is 9. Sounds like we're in a better situation than you though because we lived across the street from my mom until last June when she moved into an assisted living facility which is about 5 minutes from the house. My dad was alive when we moved in but died the next year.

No advice really--just make the best decisions you can under the circumstances. My mom refused to consider moving for several years and then finally decided she would and she hasn't regretted it at all. In fact, she likes it a lot. I feel lots of guilt--guilt toward my daughter when I'm spending time doing things for Mom and guilt toward Mom when I go 5 days without seeing her. Oh well....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-12-2008, 12:36 PM
 
Location: coos bay oregon
2,096 posts, read 8,057,859 times
Reputation: 1273
have you thought at all about a live in caregiver from an orginization they know? My grandparents were in their mid90s and still living at home, unwilling to move in w/any family, and even more against a nursing home. Also didnt want to be paying someone to live there with them and "take care of them" Even almost totally blind and deaf, my grandpa was very very proud and insisted he could take care of my grandma (who had lost a leg and had a stroke) by himself. When it became apparent something had to be done, there was a family meeting and someone suggested talking to their church. What ended up happening and working well for them, was a single lady at their church ended up moving into the spare room. For room and board, she helped with the basics and was there if/when something happened. Everyone slept better at night knowing there was a capable person there to help if needed, and my grandparents didnt lose their home/privacy or pride. Pride due to they knew this lady did need a place to stay and they felt it wasnt charity since they were giving her room/board. Worked well for everyone.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-12-2008, 04:41 PM
 
Location: Moon Over Palmettos
5,975 posts, read 17,142,113 times
Reputation: 4989
They live in a senior complex, in a one bedroom apartment, so there really is no room for another person to live in. My mom who could still travel could not even come to visit us since he can't really fend for himself, can't cook, clean or do laundry, and absolutely dependent on her short of his personal hygiene. She feels guilty about leaving him for periods of time but feels she needs to get away, and does it by spending time with baby sis watching her son occasionally when her hours at work are weird or when school is out for a day or so. He has passing out spells and gets incontinent when he passes out, but repeated trips to the neurologist and scans don't yield anything. She is desperate and wishes he would die so she can have a life. She is in pain herself but they would not accept the options. More often than not, baby sis gets the brunt of the guilt trip when she is unable to care for their needs. There is at least a nurse on duty in the complex I believe but that is all.

But thank you all for allowing me to vent here. It is very cathartic.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-12-2008, 05:00 PM
 
Location: New York
371 posts, read 1,784,794 times
Reputation: 250
I am so sorry for your situation and your sister and mom especially. There are places where elderly people can move to and they place the elderly in living situations according to their level of independence. If they can still cook and clean then they have their own apartment. Lost the ability to cook and clean, but can still care for themselves then they can live in apartments and dine with others in a big dining area. Need total care then, of course, they have a room and nursing (that's more like a nursing home and I can understand your concerns with that). My husband's grandmother lived in a situation like this for many years and it was a slow progression, but it was a progression just the same.

I do know that your Mom needs a support system and there are caregiver support groups and I think your sister would benefit from that also. There is no harder position to be in then where your Mom is.

God bless you and your family and I hope that God answers your prayers soon!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-12-2008, 06:21 PM
 
Location: Moon Over Palmettos
5,975 posts, read 17,142,113 times
Reputation: 4989
Quote:
Originally Posted by Homewardbound66 View Post
I am so sorry for your situation and your sister and mom especially. There are places where elderly people can move to and they place the elderly in living situations according to their level of independence. If they can still cook and clean then they have their own apartment. Lost the ability to cook and clean, but can still care for themselves then they can live in apartments and dine with others in a big dining area. Need total care then, of course, they have a room and nursing (that's more like a nursing home and I can understand your concerns with that). My husband's grandmother lived in a situation like this for many years and it was a slow progression, but it was a progression just the same.

I do know that your Mom needs a support system and there are caregiver support groups and I think your sister would benefit from that also. There is no harder position to be in then where your Mom is.

God bless you and your family and I hope that God answers your prayers soon!
I will check into some support groups available. I'm a little handicapped with them being in CA and me being in SC, what with the time difference. My new employer has some employee assistance program that has some form of concierge service. I guess I could explore that route and see if they even have some reasonable meals-on-wheels option, or grocery delivery of sorts, or most importantly some equivalent for laundry. I think my mom loads laundry in a grocery cart and uses that as a walker to go do her laundry in the laundry room away from their unit. Now we all know how aggravating that chore is...I thought it was bad when I had to do it in the basement. But imagining she has to trek there for a load, come home, return to switch it to the dryer (lest someone take it out and just pile it on the floor or something), return home again and then one more time to pick it up is unimaginable for me. I appreciate your suggestions and concern. I'm frustrated that I'm so far away!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-13-2008, 08:50 PM
 
180 posts, read 887,641 times
Reputation: 162
wow! Bless your heart! I can certainly understand your situation. I was fortunate that I was able to move to my mother's state and live there to take care of her. She and my sister lived together but my Sister was ill too so I had to take them both on! So I made the move.

I don't like it here much but I figure I was a daughter before I was anything else and so I had to do what I had to do, but MY kids are grown and on their own so I was able to take that attitude.

There are home care worker programs. There are state programs that they may qualify for, if not for free at least at a reduced rate. They will assess your parent's needs, do laundry, cook meals, light housework and keep an eye on the client's medical needs such as blood pressure etc.
Some areas call them CNA's and other have the non medical services called Homemakers. It would certainly be worth looking into on the internet.

Good luck and I do hope this works out for you!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-14-2008, 07:41 AM
 
395 posts, read 1,316,987 times
Reputation: 360
One thing I think you ought to know is that there can be a LONG wait list for these services. My mother in law was recently diagnosed with Alzheimers. She lives next door to us with my brother in law and his girlfriend. Both of them are disabled. I am next door and my husband is physically disabled and in chronic pain and I know he has depression. Our eleven year old daughter is severely autistic and is homeschooled. I currently have a job where I just work 12 hour shifts on the weekends as a nursing assistant and get paid for 32 hours.

Her son handles giving her medications and insulin shots, managing her diabetes.Her health is going downhill rapidly and when he called the senior services for our county he was told that there is a THREE YEAR LONG wait list.Also that they were NOT accepting any new clients at this time.

My daughter, who is autistic , has been on the waiting list for services since 2001.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top