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First of all, before anyone says anything, I am NOT saying that the OP's boyfriend is not abusive. Clearly, he is, at least to some degree.
HOWEVER, according to one of OP's previous posts, both she and the boyfriend used to do drugs together. He was in and out of jail, and she cheated on him while he was in jail. The OP is not some sweet little angel. The relationship was probably rooted in drugs in the beginning. I think it is great that the two of them were able to get clean together, if nothing else but for the sake of the two innocent children who are involved. However, a relationship that was rooted in drugs and that started out with all of this drama and all of these problems can be expected to still have drama and problems.
Also, on a side note, I'm not saying that it's acceptable that the OP's boyfriend calls her the "b-word," etc. However, I will say that it's probably not as shocking or meaningful when an ex-druggie ex-con uses words like that versus, say, a straight-laced investment banker. Again, I'm not saying it's okay, but certain groups of people tend to swear more than others, and it might be the equivalent of calling her a "jerk" or something like that. If someone who always cusses uses a cuss word in a hateful manner, it's bad. However, I'm imagining straight-laced people responding to this thread whose husbands never use words like that period, much less directed at them. I'm thinking this isn't quite that same situation.
I have three potential theories about the BF's behavior:
1. He's an abusive jerk. (Probably at least partly, if not mostly true).
2. The cheating that the OP did in the beginning of their relationship was a bigger issue for him than maybe he thought it would be. Some relationships move on from cheating. I don't think I would ever be able to. My husband and I have talked about this before. I have put up with a LOT from him in many ways, and I've stood by his side through a lot of crap. HOWEVER, cheating is one thing that I would personally never be able to deal with. I know couples whose relationships have moved on and moved forward after a cheating incident, but it wouldn't work for me. I feel like taking your pants down and actually having sex with another person when you're in a relationship is the ultimate betrayal, and there is no forgetting that in my mind. Maybe this issue is bothering the OP's boyfriend a lot more than he has let on, even years later, and it comes out when he gets mad.
If that's the case, then the only option is for these two to end things. If it hasn't gotten better in the past 7 years, it probably won't. If he isn't willing to forgive her and move on, he needs to let her go.
3. The OP's boyfriend is still on drugs. Some of this paranoid behavior and the outbursts remind me (very well) of someone very close to me who has an on-again, off-again drug problem (usually on, but often hidden pretty well, until things spiral downhill for a little while. Then, he gets clean for a while, then it's on again, and so on). This person has been doing this for so long that he is pretty good at hiding it for a long while, until there are a few weeks or months when things get out of control. Those who don't know it well aren't really able to detect it.
I'm honestly betting on a combination of all three, with #3 being a very, very, very strong possibility. A huge percentage of druggies relapse at least multiple times before finally getting clean. It seems too good to be true that both the OP and her BF got clean and stayed that way for this long without at least one of them screwing up. It's not just that, though -- his behavior sounds like textbook addict behavior to me.
Also, on a side note, I'm not saying that it's acceptable that the OP's boyfriend calls her the "b-word," etc. However, I will say that it's probably not as shocking or meaningful when an ex-druggie ex-con uses words like that versus, say, a straight-laced investment banker. Again, I'm not saying it's okay, but certain groups of people tend to swear more than others, and it might be the equivalent of calling her a "jerk" or something like that. If someone who always cusses uses a cuss word in a hateful manner, it's bad. However, I'm imagining straight-laced people responding to this thread whose husbands never use words like that period, much less directed at them. I'm thinking this isn't quite that same situation.
It's not the swearing that's the issue. It's the demeaning. Name calling is not acceptable. Name calling that uses particularly hateful and ugly words is even less so.
Whether or not the OP is or was any sort of "angel" doesn't excuse him using physical intimidation or violence to intimidate or punish her. That's victim blaming. If he can't move past the cheating, he needs to just move on.
These behaviors, combined are worrisome. Particularly in a home where there are children. Regardless of whether the OP decides to break up with him, he needs to be out of the house, living on his own and working to support himself (not to mention supporting his child financially). The OP needs to research her options in a less stressful environment and her children need to feel safe and like their mother is protecting them, nothing the other way around.
I already reiterated that I'm not excusing his behavior. I just think there is more to the story. I also don't think the OP is going to up and leave him, or she would have already. Looking into potential causes of his behavior, such as long-term resentment because of her cheating in the beginning of their relationship and potential drug use, can be helpful.
Her cheating does not excuse violence. He can chose to not accept it and leave, but using physical intimidation/violence is not an acceptable response. Ever.
Is that still going on? If so, I apologize. Physical abuse is not acceptable. From what I have read, that happened in the beginning of the relationship, while they were both on drugs.
I would normally say that once an abuser, always an abuser. However, drugs do crazy things to a person's mind. I was under the impression (and thought I read in one of OP's posts, but I can't point out which one, so I'm not sure) that there has been no physical violence since they have (supposedly) been clean.
To be fair, I would also normally say that once a cheater, always a cheater. Again, though, drugs do crazy things.
The whole relationship sounds like a wash to me. However, if the abuse and cheating both happened only in the first year and never again in seven years, well...
I agree that he should choose to accept the cheating or leave. I even said that. Just as she has chosen to accept and get over the physical abuse from the beginning of the relationship. (Unless I'm missing something.) I'm just exploring potential reasons for the behavior.
It's not the swearing that's the issue. It's the demeaning. Name calling is not acceptable. Name calling that uses particularly hateful and ugly words is even less so.
Addressing this, I get what you are saying. I guess I'm thinking about how my husband once called me out for always calling him an "a*****e" or a "pr**k" when we argued. I swear more than I should (it's something I'm working on), and I didn't really mean it as much more than calling him a jerk. However, he asked me how I would feel if he called me a "b****" every time that we argued, and I agreed that it would hurt my feelings.
My point was that it is obviously not acceptable...at all...for him to say those things to her. However, they might sound a bit harsher to those who do not cuss (or even those who do, because my hubby cusses more than I do and was still offended) than it was actually intended.
I would normally say that once an abuser, always an abuser. However, drugs do crazy things to a person's mind. I was under the impression (and thought I read in one of OP's posts, but I can't point out which one, so I'm not sure) that there has been no physical violence since they have (supposedly) been clean.
I don't know. If it was only when there was drug use going on I agree that might be an explanation. The fact that he is currently overly possessive, demeaning and at least partially dependant on her financially, doesn't bode well. That combination with a history of physical violence would concern me as they often go hand in hand.
What I was saying is all that happened in the beg of our relationship that was 8 years ago we aren't on drugs now i don't cheat and he doesn't go to jail or hit me now we haven't been like that in years. But now he still calls me names, and I just want him to stop talking about past. I am an awesome gf now and mother. I shouldn't have to everyday hear about a mistake I made 8 years ago. We quit doing drugs years ago that is what I am saying. All that stopped but he still says crap to me that I don't deserve now.
That's the post I was referring to. Again, I am not saying the boyfriend's behavior is acceptable. Obviously, it is not, especially with children being involved. I just think there is a lot to this story.
It does suck b/c when we fight I will say I want him to go but then If he goes out door and starts to leave I will say for him not to. Also he will say he is breaking up and leaving but then doesn't its really confusing. No I don't want my kids to ever deal w/ what I do. As of now, my son will sometimes stick up for me and tell him to be nice to me. He loves me and hopefully always respects woman.
I was the one who was hoping this (you) were someone just messing around on the internet. Didn't mean to hurt or offend, I was truly hoping that was the case. It's not going to get better. Please listen to me and anyone else telling you this! It is not going to get better. He's keeping you in a state of confusion deliberately in order to control you and the situation. This is classic abusive behavior, classic. And your children are learning this. This is a very bad situation. Prayers going out to you. Hope you can find the strength to leave and praying you can find some support.
Also I do have to say even though I know we have problems I really don't know how good I could handle if we truly broke up right now. I probably need to talk to a counselor before I even decide on that. Because it will be extremely hard onme even more than it is now. IF we broke up all I would have in my life is my kids. I literally talk to no one else but him and my kids. IF he continues to keep trying and doing better since our talks I would want to stick it out. He says he truly loves me and wants better for us and kids we just have things we need to work on.
Please talk to a counselor! More than likely they will tell you what others are saying, that this is abusive behavior. It's textbook. You need a support system from others around you (aside from those on City Data, him, and your children).
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