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Old 02-15-2008, 01:24 PM
 
Location: Burlington County NJ
1,969 posts, read 5,290,122 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom2Feebs View Post
Oh lordy.

Forget about the drug and alcohol talk here, MainStreet. You're doing just fine, and I have a feeling you know your daughter better than any one of us. She sounds like a wonderful girl. Every teenager has been known to blow up now and again. It's only when it's a pattern that it might be a problem. Strangers can get a little paranoid. Trust your gut and follow some of the more common sense advice you're getting and you guys will be back on track in no time.

Absolutely!
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Old 02-15-2008, 01:28 PM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,111,899 times
Reputation: 967
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom2Feebs View Post
Oh lordy.

Forget about the drug and alcohol talk here, MainStreet. You're doing just fine, and I have a feeling you know your daughter better than any one of us. She sounds like a wonderful girl. Every teenager has been known to blow up now and again. It's only when it's a pattern that it might be a problem. Strangers can get a little paranoid. Trust your gut and follow some of the more common sense advice you're getting and you guys will be back on track in no time.
Yes, I know for a fact it's not drugs, alcohol, or boys. Depression, that is another matter. Her dad has suffered for decades. I just tried one more time to persuade her to go on our trip, she is not forgiving me for strong-arming her car keys out of her hand.

The irony of this entire thing is that I work 911. I take countless calls from screamers and I'm really good at calming people down on the worst day of their lives. Unfortunately, I was unsuccessful with her. Right now, as long as her dad and her stepmother don't agree 100% with my parenting, I will always lose. They are not going the extra mile to back me up and I've just spent the last seven years backing them.

24 hrs from now I'll be walking the coast of the Gulf. My neck muscles tell me that I need to.
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Old 02-15-2008, 02:22 PM
 
Location: Burlington County NJ
1,969 posts, read 5,290,122 times
Reputation: 2657
Don't beat yourself up MainStreet. You have a good understanding of what may be happening here. This is not your fault and you can only do so much. You will do what is best for her....I think you have portrayed that to everyone here. 16 (almost 17) is such a hard age any way - without all the rest of the family stuff - You know you can't let her get away with her actions and coddle her now - but you also know something is going on. You will do the best you can - and that is what counts. She'll eventually get over all of this - although I'd of probably made her get on that plane - but hey - thats just me. You know your daughter - you know which route to take.......so let her get over all this while your walking on that beach (have a margarita while your at it!) and when you get home you can deal with all this with a clear head. You've got to deal with her father and step mother - that sucks - but its got to be done - you've got to get that Dr's appt - yadda yadda - it will all be here when you get back. And don't worry - she will forgive you. One of my favorite sayings is .......

This too shall pass
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Old 02-15-2008, 03:03 PM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,111,899 times
Reputation: 967
Quote:
Originally Posted by nic529 View Post
Don't beat yourself up MainStreet. You have a good understanding of what may be happening here. This is not your fault and you can only do so much. You will do what is best for her....I think you have portrayed that to everyone here. 16 (almost 17) is such a hard age any way - without all the rest of the family stuff - You know you can't let her get away with her actions and coddle her now - but you also know something is going on. You will do the best you can - and that is what counts. She'll eventually get over all of this - although I'd of probably made her get on that plane - but hey - thats just me. You know your daughter - you know which route to take.......so let her get over all this while your walking on that beach (have a margarita while your at it!) and when you get home you can deal with all this with a clear head. You've got to deal with her father and step mother - that sucks - but its got to be done - you've got to get that Dr's appt - yadda yadda - it will all be here when you get back. And don't worry - she will forgive you. One of my favorite sayings is .......

This too shall pass
I had to strong arm her car keys....there is no way she would even get in a car with me now. I'd have to strong arm that too. I've just found out she is also arguing with her best friend now too...so I'm thinking this is about to be bigger than she is...and extremely hormonal. If I can get her dad to be truthful about how she's been while I was gone (he sugar coats things to make himself look good and then his wife tells me the real story). If things don't improve by the time I get back, I'm taking her to the doctor.

Thank you for your post...I was laughing, imagining the entire forum coming to my house and rolling her out to the car on a dolly and then me checking her with my luggage, lol.
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Old 02-15-2008, 04:02 PM
 
Location: Texas
690 posts, read 2,355,622 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MainStreet View Post
24 hrs from now I'll be walking the coast of the Gulf. My neck muscles tell me that I need to.
Of course you need to. And regardless of anything else, you do your very best to clear your mind, as much as possible, and enjoy the Gulf coast. Have your enjoyable vacation you planned, with or without her. It'll be okay.
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Old 02-15-2008, 06:41 PM
 
Location: Harlem, NY
308 posts, read 2,351,849 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NC~Mom View Post
You've done the right thing by taking away priviledges...stick to your guns.
I would definately get her that Dr.s appointment...she could be suffering from depression, PMS (my teen had this severely!) or something that is causing her emotions to boil over. Good luck!

Or it just might be the age. Puberty is the hardest to deal with especially for a young girl. Teens take things much more serious than adults and dont know how the deal with it unless they let out their anger by callin names and screaming. Eventually she will get control over her behavoir. Im not a parent but I was a teen once. And I know that I would be more a rebel if my mom try to take things from me or try to give me boundaries. I would completely ignore it and keep her out of my world. If you treat her as an adult and talk to her about the consequences she might have to face later on by not goin to school and failing in certain classes, but leaving her the decision you give her trust and she'll respect that more than a mother who always nags, even though you just want the best for her. Good luck!
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Old 02-15-2008, 06:49 PM
 
Location: Harlem, NY
308 posts, read 2,351,849 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miborn View Post
I would also think about the possibility of her using drugs. sudden changes in grades and attitude signs..... They have home drug tests or have the dr do one on her when she goes to the dr.


Please.... I was a trouble teen as well...my behavior changed when I turned like 15. it got better by 18. My teachers thought too I might use drugs. But why expecting such bad things??? I never ever used drugs in my life, tried weed-yes but didnt like it. Drugs dont just change the behavoir, but also the look, the clothes and the people you hangin out with. Even when you just used 'harmless' drugs like weed.
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Old 02-16-2008, 11:23 PM
 
Location: Denver
1,082 posts, read 4,215,308 times
Reputation: 530
Default Regarese is right

I have three daughters: 23,22, and 17.5. The youngest has been a real challenge, and she has shown behaviors just like what you described.

Not all kids are alike, and just because you have one daughter does not mean she is going to act like you would have, or you expect her to.

This funeral was very important to her (and it is irrelevant that you think it trivial), she is at the age she needs to make some of her own decisions, and you need to let the ropes loosen a bit. Will keeping her back from a funeral change her grades? No. Will fighting over something non essential give her more impetus to struggle with you? Yes.

Teen girls struggle worse with moms because they have to prove they are different than mom. They already know they are different than dad. Dads don't have a clue about what being a girl is about. You are "supposed" to understand, so every little difference in perspective between you gets blown out of proportion in her mind.

I hate it, it's horrible to be the wicked witch, but they are having an independence struggle with their same gender parent. That's what is going on.

Your job is to give her a choice, state the consequence, and LET her make the choice even if it is wrong--unless it involves breaking a law or physical harm to something of yours. Then you must apply the consequence. Just be glad dad is not in your house to hand back the phone, etc.

And she is right about one thing: what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. You cannot control what happens at Dad's house; you can only tell her what will happen at your house. You need to give up some of your insistence on control because the HORMONAL fights will get worse if you don't. This is not about drugs, it's about adrenaline. It's stressful to demand your independence from mom. The physical struggles will only make her feel more out of control, because the last thing she really wants is for you to be out of control. Remain calm and don't change your consequences unless you are ready to admit they were poorly chosen and not having the intended effect.

The best thing I have found to say when all else has failed is: It is your decision. You have to live with the consequences.
Nine times out of ten, they will find some way to please you if you let them.
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Old 02-18-2008, 09:15 AM
 
12,620 posts, read 17,698,390 times
Reputation: 2988
esya: Said
Your job is to give her a choice, state the consequence, and LET her make the choice even if it is wrong--unless it involves breaking a law or physical harm to something of yours. Then you must apply the consequence. Just be glad dad is not in your house to hand back the phone, etc.
Remain calm and don't change your consequences unless you are ready to admit they were poorly chosen and not having the intended effect.

I hate it, it's horrible to be the wicked witch, but they are having an independence struggle with their same gender parent. That's what is going on..............

************************************************** *************

I agree with the above I was the wicked with with my oldest son. He was like your daughter!
I stuck to my guns always! Let them live with the consequences of their actions! They will have to as an adult.
The worst thing your ex is doing is not being on board with this, he is only hurting your daughter while trying to defy you!
You have your hands full with the 2 of them for sure. Who really knows what the ex- is telling her as well that is countering your efforts.
That is also tough to deal with because it is counter productive.

I'll bet after you leave she won't believe you went without her! That seemed to have the biggest effect on my son! Use reverse psychology on her.

Don't call her from your vacation if you do only 1 time and Do Not say I wish you were here.
Instead tell her how much fun you are having by describing the things you are doing.
Believe me that will get her goat!


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Old 02-18-2008, 09:26 AM
 
Location: between here and there
1,030 posts, read 2,704,608 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MainStreet View Post
Last night has to be one of the worst nights of my life.

Sorry in advance for this being long.

Some background...

My ex-husband and I have been divorced seven years. He is remarried to a woman that I respect very much; she is a very thoughtful and intelligent stepmother to my daughter. I am single. We all live in the same small town. My daughter is with me four days out of every eight. She has her own car, cell phone, Itouch, computer, and up until Christmas, carried a 3.72 grade point average, and has two part-time jobs, she also plays the violin, & I recently got her a tutor, at her request, to clean up her technique for a school placement audition.

Since she returned to school after Christmas break, things have not been going well. She is consumed with not having a boyfriend and not having a date for the prom. It is all she talks about. She tells me every little detail about the boys she is interested in; funny things that happen at school, but often does not mention anything else that is going on at school reference her prep for college, forms she needs to fill out; administrative things have gone downhill, fast.

Now the real problem. A few days ago, she expressed interest in going to the doctor about fatigue and her weight; she passively-aggressively said that "no one cares" to take her. I told her that that was not true and that this is the first time I've heard of this and would make her an appointment the next day. When I asked why she had not asked me before, she told me that it (her health) didn't have anything to do with me. Her dad is good at taking her to the doctor for things like acne (which they put her on birth-control) and then telling me after the fact.

Monday, the father of a friend from school died. Not a best friend, just a friend. I told her that I did not want her to miss school to go to the funeral. (Currently, she failing English and carrying Cs in her other classes. This has never happened.) I told her that she should not miss the visitation the night before and if there was a wake after school on the day of the funeral; she could support her friend; but she is not to leave school.

Between then and now, this funeral has grown and treated by her classmates as some huge social event. Last night she was back with her father (he works 2nd shift and they rarely see each other.) She went to the visitation and then to work. Her stepmother called me to say that my daughter has asked her to call the school this morning to get her out of school for the funeral. Her stepmother said that that was not was she was informed was happening (my ex, myself, and his wife all agreed two days ago that she was not going to the funeral.) Not only is my daughter insisting on going, she has agreed to drive two others, to a funeral that is quite a distance, further than she has even been allowed to drive. She did all this without asking.

So last night, I'm home alone, decorating Valentine cookies I'd baked and watching a Netflix British comedy when her step mother calls to tell me that my daughter is on her way to my house to get an outfit (I forgot to mention that my daughter does not own one proper thing to wear to a funeral) and that she is "set to fight."

I hold the door open for her with the same love and smile I always have and she blows into the house past me, raising her voice that she needed to get some clothes. I said (calmly) that she is not going to the funeral and I followed her into her room. I also reminded her that she is not missing school and that she doesn't have anything to wear to a winter funeral. (Am I wrong, or are bare legs not a good thing at a funeral?) She yells that she will call in her absence to the school herself and tries to get by me, but I want to calm her down and discuss this. She shoves me out of the way, I grab the hood of her coat and demand her keys because she is shrieking and is in no condition to drive. The entire time, I am repeating her name in a calm voice and holding on to her while she struggles with me and I repeat, give me your keys...give me your keys. I didn't raise my voice and at one point was whispering in the hope that she would quiet and calm down to listen to me. She pulls out of her coat and her shoes fall off, I have one half of the key chain and it breaks and I have her keys; she throws a box fan at me and knocks over the kitchen trash can; she runs out of the house with no coat or shoes, all the time shrieking and screaming that she can't believe that I put my hands on her and the she is calling the police and then she called me a name that she has never called me.

Up to this very point, she has been a calm and loving child and we have always been over the top close. Last night she was like a violent crazy person.

My ex has a very very permissive parenting style. His wife told me last night that when our daughter gets lippy with him, he always "bends." He was supposed call me last night, but never did. I'm sure he is siding with my daughter and my daughter will be leaving school to attend the funeral.

Oh, and my daughter also said last night, "why are you even getting involved in this, I'm not even at your house." (Meaning it's dad's dime, not mine.)

She called me after she got back to her dad's house, more screaming and name calling. She is mad that when I dropped off her school bag, I had taken her phone (that I pay for) and the iTouch. She told me that "I" would not be seeing "her" for a longtime (screaming) and that I "blew it." She and I are sent to fly out of town on vacation in two days to visit my parents.

Anyway; alot of crying last night and very little sleep. My best friend promises me that her daughter went through the same defiant thing and she grew out of it.

If, as a parent, that I cannot demand her car keys and ground her with the support of her father and his wife, what good am I (we?)

Again, sorry this is so long.
AS a mom of 2 daughters, "been there, done that" ..you do have the added stress of two homes and I know kids pit parents against each other but a strong front is the best approach...kids need someone who doesn't buckle (even though the screaming may get the loudest at that point!) and doesn't give in to every hormone-generated whim...she sounds like something else is going on and a dr's appt may be the best next step....and as the old CSN&Y sang long ago: "Teach your children, Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry, So just look at them and sigh and know they love you...."

Growing up is really tough today, be a strong base for your daughter, one day she'll thank you
GOOD LUCK
a mom too
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