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Old 02-14-2008, 06:24 PM
 
170 posts, read 581,054 times
Reputation: 55

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Quote:
Originally Posted by RoaminRed View Post
DO NOT DO THIS!! Please, please, just sit your kid down and ask first! It is such a breach of trust to have the doctor do a test on the sly, or to suddenly present your kid with a test and demand that they do it. I remember going through my teen years, and I didn't do drugs, but my mother dragged me to the doctor every six months and demanded that he perform blood tests for drugs simply because I had teenage emotions going on. It is a terrible feeling to know that your own parent won't bother to just sit down and talk with you, but would rather ASSUME that you've done something wrong.

Don't do it before having a good heart-to-heart with her. Please. It could ruin your relationship.
I just don't understand why people and not just you, are so hell bent on breaking that trust between a parent and teenage kid. If she asks her about drugs she's just gonna say no anyway. How many kids do you know are honest about their drug use when confronted. The change in behavior that she sees in her DD can be a direct reflection of drugs OR change in friends. She is only "protecting" her kid if she demands a drug test. I agree however that she should not do it in the "sly". Also, for whoever it was that said what "if" she's not. Well, what if she IS and she doesn't demand a test? Would you want to be responsible for a car accident that happened while they were under the influence OR something else?

Mainstreet, I hope you can sit down with your ex and his wife and work together to figure this out. It will be in your DD's best interest AND everyone else's. I mean, it sounds like you have a good enough relationship with them to do that right?
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Old 02-14-2008, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,531,484 times
Reputation: 999
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miborn View Post
I would also think about the possibility of her using drugs. sudden changes in grades and attitude signs..... They have home drug tests or have the dr do one on her when she goes to the dr.
I'm a little delayed getting back to this because I've been on the phone all day talking to her dad, my parents, other parents about what has happened. I monitor all of her online activity without her knowledge now for almost a year. I know for a fact that it is not drugs, alcohol, or sexually related. She is a great great kid, but that girl that only gave me 90 seconds last night of screaming without letting me get a word in is definitely in the middle of some sort of hormonal purge....I see a doctors appointment in her near future.

My parents are unexpectedly supportive about my daughter not coming to see them and are looking forward to seeing me.

I feel soooooooooooooooooooo much better than I did this morning. Things are still not good with my daughter, but reading your advise and talking with my friends and family today has been extremely helpful.
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Old 02-14-2008, 09:16 PM
 
16,579 posts, read 20,658,614 times
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So glad you're feeling better about it all and I'm betting it's just the teen thing boiling over.

One thing that occurred to me while reading is that you described your relationship as "over the top close." I'm wondering if she's wanted or needed some space to grow and make some of her own decisions for a while but has been hesitant to do so because she loves you and you two are so close. It's obvious from reading all of your posts that you're a wonderful mom and you've always made her your top priority. She might just need some breathing room like all teenagers do, but hasn't known how to ask for it, or has been afraid of hurting you.

Sorry you had to have such an awful night, but I imagine everything will be better in the coming days. Your going on the trip without her might be a good way to signal to her that you realize she's growing up and you aren't going to be making all of her plans for her.

Good luck with it all.
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Old 02-15-2008, 02:48 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,531,484 times
Reputation: 999
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
So glad you're feeling better about it all and I'm betting it's just the teen thing boiling over.

One thing that occurred to me while reading is that you described your relationship as "over the top close." I'm wondering if she's wanted or needed some space to grow and make some of her own decisions for a while but has been hesitant to do so because she loves you and you two are so close. It's obvious from reading all of your posts that you're a wonderful mom and you've always made her your top priority. She might just need some breathing room like all teenagers do, but hasn't known how to ask for it, or has been afraid of hurting you.

Sorry you had to have such an awful night, but I imagine everything will be better in the coming days. Your going on the trip without her might be a good way to signal to her that you realize she's growing up and you aren't going to be making all of her plans for her.

Good luck with it all.
Thanks for your post, Marlow. My dad said some of the same things you have said here. He said he thinks it is because she and I are so close that my daughter thought that I would agree to basically everything (which makes me think that I'm the permissive parent and not my ex), so she was shocked that I was so set against her leaving school. He also expressed something that he rarely does...pride in both of us. So that was VERY comforting because that has not been the case in the past. And he's right she really is amazing and I know that.

She's embarrassed, but still angry. This morning is a definite 180 from yesterday a.m. I have to believe she will get over this and love her mom again. Which gets me a little choked up. She'll be 18 in just over a year. I want this to be the BEST year. She is not my baby anymore. Thanks everyone.

Last edited by MainStreet; 02-15-2008 at 04:18 AM..
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Old 02-15-2008, 08:36 AM
 
Location: Texas
690 posts, read 2,626,731 times
Reputation: 473
MainStreet, so glad to hear that you're both feeling better and have a little perspective. But, remember, she will ALWAYS be your baby, no matter how old she is. Hang in there, Momma. You're doing just fine.
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Old 02-15-2008, 08:39 AM
 
Location: Southern NC
2,203 posts, read 5,074,265 times
Reputation: 3834
Glad you're working through it...I can relate...my oldest DD is turning 18 in 2 weeks.
They definately push their boundaries.
Not babies...not yet grown....
Hang in there!
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Old 02-15-2008, 10:24 AM
 
Location: Burlington County NJ
1,969 posts, read 5,950,079 times
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I'm glad things are headed for mend. I'm sure this is some teenage drama thing....and I can understand the whole not wanting to say anything because your so close thing because that's how my mom and I were - I was always worried about hurting her feelings or her getting mad at me that I just did what ever she wanted - and its now the fight of a lifetime with her - now that I'm a grown up - have my own children and make decisions she doesn't like sometimes. I hope (if that is the case) you don't experience this when she's older. Its very very hard.

In any case - you sound like a wonderful mother! I'm sure you guys will be fine!
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Old 02-15-2008, 11:12 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,531,484 times
Reputation: 999
Thanks everyone for your kind words. As of this writing, she is still refusing to go on vacation with me tomorrow...I went ahead and confirmed her flight just in case she changes her mind at the last minute.

Talked to her on the phone for a few minutes last night and she still doesn't sound like herself. I'm just going to be patient. That is one stubborn teenager to refuse the sun and sand; especially after she couldn't wait for tomorrow to get here.
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Old 02-15-2008, 12:42 PM
 
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
30,707 posts, read 79,581,771 times
Reputation: 39445
I would be more concerned about her overall change in everything about her, than about the one single event. The tantrum, drama threats etc, that is normal for a 16 Y.o. girl (we have 2 of them). I agree with others that you seem to have handled that well. The "I need a boyfriend" obsession also seems to be normal (hopefully it will not drive her to do anything stupid). But the sudden change in her personality, grades, etc, points to a more serious problem. You need to get help. I am no expert (if there is such a thing), but my understanding is that such changes are caused most often by:
depression.
Biochemical imbalance
Alcohol abuse
Drug abuse.

I do not know how you are going to verify any of these without a fight. You can sit her down for a heart to heart chat, but if she has a dependency problem, she will lie to you. (Do not be hurt if she does, alcohol and drug dependency changes peoples personality and can make them think that lying is good or normal -- they are not in control). Depression is the same Whenever you try to talk to a depressed person, they tell you that they are not depressed and get angry if you push it.

Whatever the problem is you need help. Do you think that she would go in for counseling if you set it up? If so, you need to find a good counselor. You might be able to tell her that "we" could benefit from counseling and ask if she will go with you to help you out with "your" counseling. The counselor can then separate you at times and talk to her directly. Good luck finding a good counselor. In my experience most of them are phonies. A few know what they are doing and it is hard to sort them out.

Could the birth control pills be causing depression or a hormonal imbalance?

Maybe she is just over scheduled. She is doing way too much for a 16 y.o. She probably is not sleeping well. Can she give up one of the two jobs?
There is no way that she can keep up with 2 jobs, violin, and homework on a college prep track, especially if she has any kind of social life at all. However she will quickly be out of the college prep track if her grades continue to decline. assuming that she is a Jr. she has no time to repair a blip in her academic record (she could always got o community college for two years and then transfer if she gets good grades).


One thing we have learned is the 16 is a very very stressful time for girls today. Aside from social, and academic pressures, they are dealing with choosing a college which involves huge life decisions all the while they are in denial hoping the High school cannot possibly end.
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Old 02-15-2008, 01:21 PM
 
Location: San Antonio-Westover Hills
6,884 posts, read 20,366,517 times
Reputation: 5176
Oh lordy.

Forget about the drug and alcohol talk here, MainStreet. You're doing just fine, and I have a feeling you know your daughter better than any one of us. She sounds like a wonderful girl. Every teenager has been known to blow up now and again. It's only when it's a pattern that it might be a problem. Strangers can get a little paranoid. Trust your gut and follow some of the more common sense advice you're getting and you guys will be back on track in no time.
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