Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
We moved to a new neighborhood 3 months ago, me my husband and our disabled 7 year old son. He has a physical deformity regarding his arms and is noticeable.
Well there is a girl that I have seen riding her bike around the neighborhood I don't know what house is hers or exactly how old she is but I would say 11 or 12.
Anyway yesterday our son went out to play as he normally does but just about 10-15 minutes later he comes in which is odd since he usually stays out for about an hour. I noticed he seemed upset and when I asked him what was wrong he said it was nothing and went to his room. I tried to talk to him again about 20 minutes later and finally found out what had happened.
While our son was out playing the aforementioned girl on the bike went up to him and started asking him what was wrong with his arms and if he could move his arms and he said after he explained she said "that's weird can you get them fixed?" after that our son ran home.
I understand children can not understand tact and come off really rude but as I said this girl looks to be 11 or 12, is she old enough to know better? Should I try to find out where she lives so I can politely talk to the parents? I told our son she just doesn't understand how hurtful her words were and tried to make him feel better. I talked to my husband and he said he thinks she knew full well she was being mean/rude and feels she could be a mean girl would like to talk to the parents but said he would leave that decision up to me.
I think her questions are understandable, and you and your son should get comfortable answering them in a straight forward manner. The only word she said that might be hurtful is "weird". Would you prefer your son be ignored, or allowed to confidently speak on his own behalf? I'm sure your son is a wonderful child, let him shine without making people afraid to be curious about his disability.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
4,640 posts, read 11,926,507 times
Reputation: 9885
Yes, I think the girl was rude and insensitive. I think she's definitely old enough to know better. I also think she lacks basic good manners and the ability to be empathetic and read people.
I would explain that to your son: I would tell him that he's right. She's rude and is at a real disadvantage in this world because (and she really is) because she's not empathetic or sensitive. I'd add that I didn't know why she was like this, but this is clearly HER problem and not his.
I would also, without a doubt, give my son tools to deal with people like her. I'd ask him his opinions and ideas. I'd not criticize him. In this case, he felt the thing to do was come home and collect himself. How does he feel about that decision now?? Maybe next time, he'd like to respond to her? Role play with him.
I would NOT ask my son's permission to talk to the girl's parents. I would make that decision on my own. I would keep the lines of communication open with my son about any interactions he has with her. Personally, if this was a one time thing, I wouldn't talk to her parents. But that's just me. I've never had much luck with dealing with other parents. Seems everyone has perfect children these days.
Well I should add my son did say she said it in a mean tone.
Again, it's doubtful this will never happen again. Give him the confidence and the words to handle it. This girl may have been twice his age, but she is still very much a child too. The way kids become sensitized is when they are given a short, to-the-point explanation, not by being called rude for having questions.
Yes, I think the girl was rude and insensitive. I think she's definitely old enough to know better. I also think she lacks basic good manners and the ability to be empathetic and read people.
I would explain that to your son: I would tell him that he's right. She's rude and is at a real disadvantage in this world because (and she really is) because she's not empathetic or sensitive. I'd add that I didn't know why she was like this, but this is clearly HER problem and not his.
I would also, without a doubt, give my son tools to deal with people like her. I'd ask him his opinions and ideas. I'd not criticize him. In this case, he felt the thing to do was come home and collect himself. How does he feel about that decision now?? Maybe next time, he'd like to respond to her? Role play with him.
I would NOT ask my son's permission to talk to the girl's parents. I would make that decision on my own. I would keep the lines of communication open with my son about any interactions he has with her. Personally, if this was a one time thing, I wouldn't talk to her parents. But that's just me. I've never had much luck with dealing with other parents. Seems everyone has perfect children these days.
Wonderful advise. As you become acquainted with your neighbors, I wouldn't be surprised if you find that the girl comes from a less than popular family.
Its a tricky questions. And I don't think it has a should or shouldn't to it. This specific happening...I could see being upset. We all hate it when something like this happens to our kids. We want to protect them from hurt. For sure. I get that. And there is something to be said for teaching them to field some difficult questions without the shame if being hurt by it. That is always something to work on with our kids, even with out "obvious" differences.
But for the age...well that is tricky. We don't know if the girl is "on the spectrum". Or if she is a big meany. Or much about her at all. So that really adds a lot of unknowns. You would think by 11 or 12, kids would at least know not to say"ewww"...although they might still ask questions out of curiosity.
I don't think we can control at what age other kids get manners. But we can work with our kids to deal withered and hurtful comments.
I agree that the question really isn't whether or not the girl was appropriate, she wasn't. But, you are not going to be able to chase down everyone who offends your son so you need to make sure he has the tools to talk about his arms.
My son has a tic disorder which is sometimes very noticeable, he's now 10. We've found that giving him the power to explain what tics are helps. Kids seem to mostly accept him easily, after some initial questions, the biggest issues we've had have been with adults.
One of the most powerful things for us has been some advice our son's doctor gave him. He said everybody's got something that is different about them and usually the differences you can't obviously see are more severe than the ones you can.
Children should be sensitive from a very young age, but what you initially posted is curious, and ignorant/naive but not cruel. I'm not sure why you would add ewww and the tone after the OP as it would be relevant (if true.....sorry).
I wish the world was a kind inclusive place, but sadly it isn't and I'm afraid you and your son are going to deal with many far worse words and actions. Time for you both to figure out how you're going to deal with it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
