should an adult tell a 12 yr. old when they've hurt their feelings? (teaching, game)
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My apologies, I misread completely. I am sensitive to the subject because we had to deal with a parent who played "my stuff" when it came to anything she gave the kids. We had to keep separate wardrobes of clothes until high school. It was ridiculous. I really believe anything that belongs to the child, belongs to the child.
I also had several foster kids, and step kids. And they often tried to hurt me to get back at their bio parents. In fact, the birthday was prime time for sabotage. I think its ok to let a kid know it hurt your feelings. But...not to a degree that they realize they were able to take from you and get what they wanted to do in the first place.
You should tell him that he hurt your feelings. Don't get into any of the drama with his mother. He probably already feels like he's pulled in different directions, and there's nothing he can do about it. He's not old enough to see the truth about his mother yet, and you shouldn't be the one to point it out to him. It's a realization that he has to come to on his own.
And I agree with not giving him an xbox card for his mother to spend, and waiting to give him one to use on his own account.
You have to understand how the xbox accounts work. If she gives him a giftcard to use on him mom's xbox account, then the mom can spend it all. Grandma said that grandson had his own xbox account he uses at grandma's house and she was willing to put money in that account for *him* to spend, but not in his mom's account for *her* to spend. So it's not keeping score, see? His mom probably asked him to ask for the gift card.
That's what I suspected, too (Mom told her son to ask grandma for money for "his" xbox account so that mom and her boyfriend would be able to use it).
Dad should have gone over and picked him up when he called to inform him he was staying at his mom's instead of joining family for your birthday dinner.
I would be sitting my adult son down, and having a talk with him. Why are you so involved when he has two parents?
I'd also put a moratorium on non-essential gifts. This child has been spoiled, time he started earning those extras, make him do chores...then if he chooses to buy things for his Mom accept it.
I'm the one that get's up with him in the morning, washes his clothes, buys him clothes and books that he wants, makes his dinners, and runs out and gets him cold cuts for lunch. I'm just starting to feel really used, unappreciated and I'm honestly starting to resent doing what I've been doing but I wouldn't tell him that.
The recognition and appreciation probably won't kick in for quite a while, maybe not until he becomes a parent himself. As far as he's concerned you ARE the parent and are simply doing what you're supposed to do. It's easy for kids to take that for granted.
When my kids were in that age bracket there were a lot of questions and discussions about why things were more fun at dads house, why can't you buy us this and that like he does, why do you always want money from him (?!!). If it's any encouragement, when my son was older and on his own he told me one day that he 'get's it' now and that he was sorry he gave me a hard time about it when he was younger.
As far as letting him know he hurt your feelings, by all means do it, just don't make a huge production of it so that all he feels is resentment and guilt.
There are clearly two things going on here. You have resentment, clearly warranted, about the long term failings of your grandsons mothers inability to be responsible. But that should be separate and distinct from your anger and sadness about his behavior in ignoring your birthday.
The first has nothing to do with your grandson and should not be discussed with him in anyway. The second would be beneficial for you to discuss how he hurt your feelings and how he should have handled his own anger in a more beneficial way.
Dad should have gone over and picked him up when he called to inform him he was staying at his mom's instead of joining family for your birthday dinner.
I would be sitting my adult son down, and having a talk with him. Why are you so involved when he has two parents?
I'd also put a moratorium on non-essential gifts. This child has been spoiled, time he started earning those extras, make him do chores...then if he chooses to buy things for his Mom accept it.
I suspect when he has to use his own money to fund his mom it won't last long. Good lesson for him though. I
Thanks.. that's what I was wondering and wasn't sure about. I guess that's the only way he'll learn. I'm not only talking about my birthday situation but in general he's got to learn that his actions affect others.
Yes, you can't be his friend, you need to be his grandmother. With that are rules. He is bullying you and playing on your soft side. He needs to know that he won't always get whatever he wants, so you need to learn the word, "no." Respect is earned, it is not arbitrarily given.
Dad should have gone over and picked him up when he called to inform him he was staying at his mom's instead of joining family for your birthday dinner.
I would be sitting my adult son down, and having a talk with him. Why are you so involved when he has two parents?.
The OP mentions in the first post that she raised him when mother gave up custody at birth.
The OP mentions in the first post that she raised him when mother gave up custody at birth.
She also said that his dad (who is her son) has official custody. So his dad should have gone to get him and made him come to the dinner.
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