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So has anyone here had to get their 20 year old out of the house and how did you do it?
I love my son to eternity and its breaking my heart but this "kid" thinks he knows it all and he really needs a dose of reality!
He is very verbally combative with his mom and today he even started giving me some push back when we started talking about room and board. His first paycheck was this past Friday. He had a job before that he got fired for being late too many times and we found out he blew about a $1000 on League of Legends point cards. Mom asked for 200 every two weeks for R&B ( his net pay is around 475 bi-weekly)and I told him that that's not totally unreasonable given you should be paying 30% - 40% of take home for rent, utilities and such (I have given him and continue to give all my kids the "living below your means" speech) but here's the kicker, she TOLD him that some of it was for food and cable (we have triple bundle and he sure does use the internet!) and 100 she was putting in his SAVINGS account! I told him I wish MY mom was like hat when I was his age ( I was in boot camp when I was at his stage right now) since she was a single mom and took ALL of my check and no there was no savings. I get what my mom did now since I realize how poor we were then.
So I am at the stage where I told him on the way to work that it might be time to really start thinking about getting on with his life and getting his own place. He's lazy (no drivers license yet despite my paying 600 dollar drivers ed which he cant seem to make appointments for driving hours and STILL hasn't finished High school although he is in night school to get a regular diploma not a GED) and doesn't seem to get it about being independent. I would be failing him miserably if I just let this continue. I've told all my kids that We are their PARENTS not their best friends! I am tired of his attitude and more to the point I am tired of the lip he gives mom and dropping F-Bombs at her.I don't want it to get to the point that I have to pack a bag and push him out the front door but if I have to I would.
I do realize it takes time to get used to adulthood and we have never had the drug,alcohol,trouble with police with him but when your laying in bed on your phone or on your computer all the time when not at work AND making blatant, hostile, profane remarks back to you mom that is just trying to get you to get some independence it isn't going to fly!
I hate this stage we are in and it was so much easier when they were babies and toddlers! I to this day (i am 45) would never even dare talk to my mom the way he talks to his! First off she would definitely have gave me a good whollop but even more so I had much more sense of respect than he does!
Sorry for the long post but I'm just looking for some solutions before the "Drill Sargent" mode takes over.
I think it may be too late to instill in him the values, ethics and responsibility he should have learned as a child and teen. Going "drill sergeant" as this age isn't going to help at all. You have to stop the enabling.
Stop driving him around
Rent out his room to a paying college student
Take him off your cell plan
Change your wifi password and do not share it with him
Yes it isn't working and when I get into that mode it isn't pretty and will defiantly get ugly! I CAN become a serious hard ass when I get to that level in which he thinks I have "anger managment" issues but alas he has no clue! If he still pushes on the room and board the next step will be to pack up his computer that he built and spends ENORMOUS amount of time on and store it at his Nana's house which he can get when he gets his own place. Its my roof
Tough love, if he can't be responsible and respectful and follow the rules of the house he has to move out. Finishing school and getting his drivers license should also be part of what's expected of him. If he sees your serious hopefully he will start to appreciate you and your wife a little more and act accordingly. If not give him a deadline to move out. That being said you have my sympathy because it's easier said than done when it's your child. But sometimes we have to make a believer out of them. Good Luck.
Location: Subconscious Syncope, USA (Northeastern US)
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I think you might want to consider his point of view - not verbally, but mentally. After working, he is left with about $15 dollars a day to spend on himself. If he pays for his own lunch and his own transportation, that can leave him feeling like he's working for nothing. Can you and your wife negotiate a compromise of your wife's terms? And, I mean really negotiate it out. Don't just one of you pop up and tell him you have decided. He will never work out anything for himself as long as you and Mom are telling him what has already been decided, and what he IS going to do.
Maybe $150 every two weeks, with $50 going into a SAVINGS account. I have no idea, but it doesn't really sound like HIS account. If it was, HE would be putting the money in it himself.
He probably feels like you two are treating him like a child. Let's face it - it sounds like you are, and it sounds like he is, lol.
You should ask him to think about what his future plans are, and let you and Mom know. Agree on a deadline - like a week or something to report what he has come up with. Remind him that God doesn't promise anyone another day. What is he going to do if you and Mom fall off the World tomorrow?
You can be a drill sergeant if you want, but it not going help him develop any adult skills. It's still someone making his choices for him, and telling him what he is going to do.
He will never become an adult, until he is allowed to become an adult.
One thing you can tell him is disrespect of his parents IS not going to happen. If he wants respect, he needs to know what you are your wife's boundary's are in that regard, and that he has to give some in order to get some.
Just my two cents, and best wishes to all of you.
Last edited by ConeyGirl52; 06-12-2016 at 12:02 PM..
[quote=zentropa;44387451]I think it may be too late to instill in him the values, ethics and responsibility he should have learned as a child and teen. Going "drill sergeant" as this age isn't going to help at all. You have to stop the enabling.
I really have no Idea where his sense of values and ethics came from since we tried to teach these things and fortunately out of the four kids we have, he is the only one we have these issues with! His younger brother just graduated high school as an AP student with FULL scholarship to a university. None of the other three remotely come close to the disrespect and laziness he has shown. Sad to say but according to mom he is the one I have been the most lenient with. Maybe that's the crux of the problem!
I think it may be too late to instill in him the values, ethics and responsibility he should have learned as a child and teen. Going "drill sergeant" as this age isn't going to help at all. You have to stop the enabling.
Stop driving him around
Rent out his room to a paying college student
Take him off your cell plan
Change your wifi password and do not share it with him
This.^^^^
Waiting any longer is enabling him further and will make it that much harder for him to be a productive adult.
Has he ever had any kind of psychiatric evaluation? Chalking up the facts that he has not finished high school, gotten a driver's license (assuming he needs one to be independently mobile where you live), been able to hold down etc due to him being "lazy" seems like you may be avoiding other possibly contributing factors.
Does he have friends? Does he have social skills? Does he have interests?
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