Fulltime Dad again, but Im in new territory. (party, teenage, teaching)

[GratefulDad79]

Hello, I'm a 36 year old single father. I have 3 daughters, 1 of whom live with me recently and my other 2 are with their mothers. My oldest is going to be 16 and is living in Maine with mom. Her sister going to be 15 and just moved back with me. My youngest is 7, living with her mother in Massachusetts. I have been in my children's' lives whether I was physically there or not as much as I could be. But the last 3 years have been a nightmare! I am an actively sober recovering alcoholic and while I was in an alcohol induced haze I missed out on some important time with my daughters. I would call and show up when I felt it was safe, but that's just it. I kept my distance because I knew I was a danger to them as an active alcoholic. But I'm over a year sober now and feel as strong as I did before I lost control. Healthy enough to have my 14 year old come live with me again. She didn't fall far from the tree, beautiful and smart, and funny.....Ok enough about me. Seriously though, she is all those things. I am the happiest I can remember in recent times.

But I am going through every human emotion that starts with a letter. So I guess I came to this forum for a little advice. My daughter is 14 and going through some tough changes. Before she came to live with me, about a week ago, she was acting up with mom. She would take off and not call home for a couple days. She would yell and scream at mom and get away with it. This is new for her, acting out without fear of the consequences. But since she's been here she's been on her best behavior, but I know its still new. So, I am afraid when it comes times to discipline or be strict with her. I don't know how she will react, or even me for that matter. It's been 5 years since she's lived with me. I almost feel I don't have the right to be hard on her when necessary. I feel I have to earn her respect back or something. I love her so much and I know she feels she is back where she belongs. I guess I'm looking for some advice on how to be the parent I need to be after not being one for the past 5 years. Thank you very much for taking time to read this.

Sincerely,

GratefulDad

[elliedeee]

It starts with today. Don't focus on your past or your regrets. Be the best parent you can be to her now.

Shes at that age now where she's going to be testing you and testing boundaries. Be firm, but loving in what behaviors you will and won't accept.

This is a tough age for them and for parents to deal with. Don't let her get away with bad behavior because you feel guilty. She needs a parent.

[Just A Guy]

Try one or both of these books:

Discipline for LIfe: Getting it Right with Children by Madelyn Swift

You're Ruining My Life! (but Not Really): Surviving The Teenage Years With Connected Parenting by Jennifer Kolari.

Both are great books to give you insight on teaching, connecting, and setting limits and consequences for your kids.

[emm74]

I know people can seem quick to recommend professional help, but in this case, I really would recommend some short term family counseling. You've never actively parented a teen before, and she's dealing with all the adjustments of changing her living situation.

I think you could both use a hand figuring things out and getting this phase of your life with her off to a great start with boundaries that you can both agree to and work within - the counselor can be an impartial neutral party who can help the two of you negotiate that.

I've done some similar counseling with my kid, and honestly, every time we go, I walk out feeling so much better about myself as a parent. Not perfect but I get a lot of reassurance that I'm doing a good job - I think you could use a similar pat on the back, because your desire to succeed is so evident. Best of luck to you!