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Old 02-19-2008, 06:27 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,265,344 times
Reputation: 22271

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Quote:
Originally Posted by KristyLiz View Post
I will preface my reply by saying that I haven't read all the replies, but having been on parenting message boards for many years, I have a pretty good idea the twists and turns this thread has taken.

All I know is that we women are our own worst enemies! We can be so super judgemental of the choices each of us makes, when what we should be is supportive.

I have been a FT SAHM for 7 years now (I have 3 boys 7, 5 & 2), and while I do/did send my kids to preschool a few hours a week, I sometimes wished I had the extra money to send them to daycare a few days a week - the kids and I could have used the break from each other

Staying home FT can be very isolating, so I have always made an effort to meet other moms so I had people to 'play' with during the week. It's good for the kids and for me, however, some time without the kids would be very good for me as well. You know the saying, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"

Again, my husband and I made this choice for me to stay home because for our family it was the best decision, but that in no way entitles me to be judgemental of what other parents choose to do.
There you go - that is exactly what needed to be said, KristyLiz! We each have to do what is right for us and our family . . . and as mothers, we need to be supportive of one another and each person's decisions . . . and not stand in judgment. Every situation is unique. No two families are exactly alike. Just b/c what works for me was right for me - doesn't mean it will be right for anyone else.

Your post emphasizes that every situation is different . . . and really - whose business is that anyway????

 
Old 02-19-2008, 06:35 AM
 
Location: FL
1,943 posts, read 7,628,123 times
Reputation: 2236
Default Very judgemental

It is absolutely NO business of anyone- unless there is some abuse or neglect going on- how a child is being raised...nor by who.

Point 1- there are plenty of stay at home mothers who are awful mothers, and society wishes their children were exposed to daycare- perhaps to learn some rules, structure and manners. The kind of mothers who don't really bother with their children despite having them constantly. These kind of children should be in daycare because it will let them have another way of life. We shouldn't want them to be at home in some kinds of situations- the further out of the home life (in some situations) the better

Point 2- I am a teacher. It is very important for children to learn some kind of structure- amongst other children, before Kinder. Sure, they will be exposed to it in Kinder- but as all children are different, some don't adapt very well. Sure a mother can teach lessons and rules...but doing that at home and then having that child experience it with 20 other children for the first time in Kinder- is very different. Preschool can give them a heads up. Kinder is not like it was years ago. They don't get as much time to play (if at all) and socialize while learning...so they can learn rules and manners without so much emphasis on academics. They have to learn a lot of academics along with structure and rules and manners...and it could be a bit overwhelming for the children who have never been involved with a large amount of children in a structured environment.

Point 3- this arguement is pointless. For as much research and statistics you can give me on how staying at home with the momma is better, someone could give me the same amount of research on how daycare/preschool is beneficial.

Point 4- All a child needs is love to grow and blossom. A caring mother and father with the child's best interest in heart and mind...no matter how many hours the child sees them...is all a child needs.

Point 5- if mothers, as you say, sometimes put their children in daycare just because they are lazy- what do you really think they are going to be doing with their children if the children stayed home? Do you really think those mothers are going to be "unlazy" and get soo involved?

I would love to be a stay at home mother now- because I don't want to work However, if I was a stay at home mom I would start my child perhaps 2-3 mornings a week in a daycare...for the structured play time at age of 2. I have been to play groups. With mothers there who don't control their children...it isn't structured. Sometimes you need to take the mothers out of the equation- as it would be at school. My son had a severe articulation issue. He had 3 surgieries when he was 2 (tubes in the ear and tonsils and adneoids removed). He started daycare after 2 part time (I was working). Being around other children and teachers who helped his speech....really allowed him to learn to speak better. And I would definitely start him in preschool the year before Kinder.
 
Old 02-19-2008, 06:38 AM
 
2,838 posts, read 8,844,735 times
Reputation: 2857
Oh boy.

It actually does not bother me for sah-parents to send their kids to preschool. I do'nt understand paying for daycare, but I guess in some cases, daycare and preschool are pretty much interchangeable anyway, since some daycare centers DO have a "preschool" program that is singing/circle time/etc with their 3 and 4 year olds who are there anyway.

Since it doesn't affect my kids, it doesn't get my panties in a wad.

I actually homeschool, and don't delegate my kids' education or social development to anyone... so the same argument can be made against parents who send their kids to kindergarten, 3rd grade, 5th grade, etc. I realize that homeschooling is not for everyone, and I feel the same way about keeping kids out of preschool... do what works for your family!
 
Old 02-19-2008, 07:29 AM
 
Location: Dallas, NC
1,703 posts, read 3,452,675 times
Reputation: 807
I'm really going to make waves when I say this and I think the "Slacker Mommy Award" will be firmly in my hands: I didn't want to be home with my son when he was an infant/toddler. I would have lost my mind! I did not have the patience for it and I know that. That is a major reason why he is and will be an only child. My husband and I didn't really enjoy that stage. Don't get me wrong, we loved our son and cared for him and played/read with him and all that BUT he's 8 now and we are having a blast with this stage. Now is when I'd love to be home so I could be involved more at this school with the teachers and his friends and be able to help more with homework. Next year will be horrible when he has EOG's and tons of homework and we won't get home until after 6 pm most days. I think this age is more important b/c kids are exposed to so much more now. For anyone worried about the bad habits your kids could pick up at daycare, you ain't seen nothing yet. Public school is a hodge podge of people and you don't get to pick who your child is exposed to. Not everyone has the same values as we do. My son has learned words in 2nd grade on the playground that I honestly didn't know until high school and I had an older sister!!!

The point is that every person is different. If we were all the same, the world would be a boring place. I'll never understand why women are so jealous and competitive of each other and men couldn't care less what their friends have (unless it's a big plasma tv). But as women and I'm guilty too, we worry about who is doing what and with whom, who wears what, whose child is doing this and that, etc. Why can't we just be supportive? I have a good friend who I met through my son (she is a SAHM with 3 kids). Our boys were in kindergarten class together and we actually live in the same neighborhood. We went through hell and half of Georgia last year with a bunch of B***** PTO officers. They talked about us to teachers, other parents, you name it. She and I stuck together though and supported each other through it all. We are very different but our friendship is rock solid. The funny thing is one of those women, who we were both friends with prior to the PTO incidents, has tried her darndest to get back in our good graces. We have both told her that we will get along and be nice when it's school business but no friendship would exist. You can't treat people like crap one minute and then when all of your so called friends you chose, desert you, come running back and deny it all. I'd rather have a few close friends like her than a bunch of acquaintances you can't trust. I so hope there come a point when we can get past being that way with each other.

To all the MOM'S, whether you SAH, work full time, part time, or whatever, keep up the great work! Do what works for you and your family. If you kids are happy, well adjusted, playful, hard working, friendly, etc., I think it's safe to say you're doing or have done a pretty darn good job! It's the hardest job in the world to be a parent and I truly believe being a Mom is the hardest. We will laugh, cry, hurt, be sick and so many other things with our children, but the real gift will be when we have raised some great young men and women (like anifan!)! So hang in there and let's stop the Mommy Wars right now! Have a great day everyone!
 
Old 02-19-2008, 11:20 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,265,344 times
Reputation: 22271
Quote:
Originally Posted by austinsmom View Post
I'm really going to make waves when I say this and I think the "Slacker Mommy Award" will be firmly in my hands: I didn't want to be home with my son when he was an infant/toddler. I would have lost my mind! I did not have the patience for it and I know that. That is a major reason why he is and will be an only child. My husband and I didn't really enjoy that stage. Don't get me wrong, we loved our son and cared for him and played/read with him and all that BUT he's 8 now and we are having a blast with this stage. Now is when I'd love to be home so I could be involved more at this school with the teachers and his friends and be able to help more with homework. Next year will be horrible when he has EOG's and tons of homework and we won't get home until after 6 pm most days. I think this age is more important b/c kids are exposed to so much more now. For anyone worried about the bad habits your kids could pick up at daycare, you ain't seen nothing yet. Public school is a hodge podge of people and you don't get to pick who your child is exposed to. Not everyone has the same values as we do. My son has learned words in 2nd grade on the playground that I honestly didn't know until high school and I had an older sister!!!

The point is that every person is different. If we were all the same, the world would be a boring place. I'll never understand why women are so jealous and competitive of each other and men couldn't care less what their friends have (unless it's a big plasma tv). But as women and I'm guilty too, we worry about who is doing what and with whom, who wears what, whose child is doing this and that, etc. Why can't we just be supportive? I have a good friend who I met through my son (she is a SAHM with 3 kids). Our boys were in kindergarten class together and we actually live in the same neighborhood. We went through hell and half of Georgia last year with a bunch of B***** PTO officers. They talked about us to teachers, other parents, you name it. She and I stuck together though and supported each other through it all. We are very different but our friendship is rock solid. The funny thing is one of those women, who we were both friends with prior to the PTO incidents, has tried her darndest to get back in our good graces. We have both told her that we will get along and be nice when it's school business but no friendship would exist. You can't treat people like crap one minute and then when all of your so called friends you chose, desert you, come running back and deny it all. I'd rather have a few close friends like her than a bunch of acquaintances you can't trust. I so hope there come a point when we can get past being that way with each other.

To all the MOM'S, whether you SAH, work full time, part time, or whatever, keep up the great work! Do what works for you and your family. If you kids are happy, well adjusted, playful, hard working, friendly, etc., I think it's safe to say you're doing or have done a pretty darn good job! It's the hardest job in the world to be a parent and I truly believe being a Mom is the hardest. We will laugh, cry, hurt, be sick and so many other things with our children, but the real gift will be when we have raised some great young men and women (like anifan!)! So hang in there and let's stop the Mommy Wars right now! Have a great day everyone!

You go, Girl! Yes, we are all different. And no, you don't get the Slacker Award!!!! It is important to do what is right for YOUR family and obviously you have.

As for female friendships . . . they are invaluable! Studies show women w/ friends actually live longer! Keeps us sane! So it is especially sad to hear that one of your friends had not figured out that friends of the heart are hard to find . . . and a terrible loss if you take that person for granted.

We women need to stop worrying about the superficial stuff and celebrate the joy of being a wife, mother, best friend, daughter, single parent - whatever we may define ourselves as! - women holding hands is POWERFUL!!!

Here's to Woman Power!!!!
 
Old 02-19-2008, 03:26 PM
 
Location: Chicago 'burbs'
1,022 posts, read 2,978,630 times
Reputation: 720
I was a SAHM and I sent my kids to pre-school. They loved it!

YES, each child is different. Each parent is different. I feel that if Mom is going crazy she isn't doing her kids any good! Then pre-school or a daycare 2 mornings a week is the best thing for that family. It is hard being with the kids 24/7, even with playgroups. Some mom's have no problem with that. Others need more breaks. The most important thing is for mom to be emotionally & mentally healthy!

Some kids NEED pre-school to be ready for kindergarden, some don't. Pre-school was expensive, but it was great prepairing my kids for kindergarden and I wouldn't change sending them. They also had a lot of fun and made some good friends to have "play-dates" with. I also made some new Mommy friends that I am still friends with today!

The above posters are right, though. We moms need to give eachother a break. Isn't our own "Mommy guilt" enough? We don't need others making us feel bad on top of the natural "Mommy guilt" we give ourselves!! Pre-school is a hard enough decision on it's own. Let's all just do what we feel is best for ourselves and our children.
 
Old 02-19-2008, 03:54 PM
 
Location: Dunwoody,GA
1,861 posts, read 4,555,452 times
Reputation: 1932
"Mommy guilt" is my middle name. I work, but feel a pull to be at home when I'm at work. When I'm at home, sometimes I'm going nuts and wishing for work! I am fortunate enough to be a self-employed professional and set my own schedule. So I work less over the summer while the kids are home. I do have a nanny who works more hours during the winter, but sometimes we are both around during the summer. Does it make me a bad Mom that I will occasionally go grab a movie during the week if the nanny is around? Probably so, but oh well-it keeps my sanity!

I have a question for the OP in all seriousness. My neighbor across the street now has a baby, but for many years stayed home before they had children. Stay at home with no kids? What does that make her? Is that somehow reprehensible behavior b/c "what the heck could she be doing with her time?" I have to admit that I often wondered how she spent her time, but they can obviously afford it, so who cares?

My point is that we don't all fit into neat categories. I have features of both a working Mom and a SAHM and am not completely comfortable in either camp. And I am still the same person I was before having kids. I used to procrastinate doing household chores, and becoming a mommy didn't somehow transform me into being "housekeeper extraordinare." So what? I get it done eventually, but I'm sure that I would never win any Martha Stewart awards. My kids are happy, and I'm happy. To each his own...
 
Old 02-19-2008, 08:42 PM
 
Location: San Antonio-Westover Hills
6,878 posts, read 17,814,730 times
Reputation: 5139
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inthesierras View Post
WOW This is the best pissing contest I have seen for quite some time. I frequent a ladies scrapbooking board that was well known for their posts like this. I am better then you because (insert just about any topic), so I will pass judgement on you because blah blah blah.

Man, no kidding! I'm lost in all the insults and petty remarks. I'm trying to figure out who is posting--the kids or the moms? It's hard to believe grown women are posting in such a manner.

If you don't agree with the original poster, why do you all have to make it so nasty and personal? Just disagree, state your case, and move on. This sort of taunting after the OP has bowed out of the conversation reeks of just the crap some of you are talking about being the reason you're not involved in playgroups anymore.

Dang. Women are such bit*hes sometimes.
 
Old 02-20-2008, 05:32 PM
 
16,487 posts, read 20,337,485 times
Reputation: 16136
My daughter goes to an area pre-school 3 mornings a week from 8:45 am-11:45 am. This is the reason she goes. We live in the woods and there are literally no children in our area for her to play with except her sibling. Her siblings are almost 15, 17 and almost 21. The boys are gone to school all day and she gets lonely. She starts kindergarden next Sept. and needs to learn how to mind and take orders from a teacher, how to share with children her age and act appropriately with them, and get used the routine of school. I certainly don't think her being gone 9 hrs. a week for these reasons is a big deal.
 
Old 02-21-2008, 09:31 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,265,344 times
Reputation: 22271
Quote:
Originally Posted by brokencrayola View Post
My daughter goes to an area pre-school 3 mornings a week from 8:45 am-11:45 am. This is the reason she goes. We live in the woods and there are literally no children in our area for her to play with except her sibling. Her siblings are almost 15, 17 and almost 21. The boys are gone to school all day and she gets lonely. She starts kindergarden next Sept. and needs to learn how to mind and take orders from a teacher, how to share with children her age and act appropriately with them, and get used the routine of school. I certainly don't think her being gone 9 hrs. a week for these reasons is a big deal.
It's not and I am sure no one else would think it was, either. Sounds like you are making very good decisions for your daughter's welfare!

We all have to do what we feel is best to balance things for our particular family's situation.
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