Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-16-2016, 06:28 AM
 
8,085 posts, read 5,195,160 times
Reputation: 22680

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
I see lots of good advice for the OP to make it happen to see her grandkids. I think the real issue is that she doesn't want to so no suggestions will be good enough
Exactly.

The dog excuse is cringe worthy.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-16-2016, 07:03 AM
 
165 posts, read 173,569 times
Reputation: 590
I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation.

It will probably bode better for your future relationship with your son if you try to regard his reaction to your inability to visit less as guilt-tripping and more as expressing his disappointment that you won't be there. Of course he's disappointed.

You've got some good ideas on here as to how you could maybe swing the trip. Clearly, you're aware that childhood flies by in the blink of an eye, and maintaining those relationships is vital if you want the children to even know you when you move to be closer to them in 10 years.

I understand about the dogs. We have always had good luck with hiring someone to stay in our home and care for it and our pets when we are away. Your vet's office probably would provide you with suggestions of people they know and trust. It's not expensive, either: the going rate here is $25-$30/day. As someone suggested, your son may be happy to help with that.

A couple of years ago our dog was old and frail and we weren't comfortable either taking her or leaving her with anyone else so we arranged it so that one of us stayed home with the dog while the other visited or vacationed or whatever. It wasn't optimal, and we missed travelling together, but we had peace of mind knowing that our dog was getting the best, most loving care.

Surely your son and daughter-in-law would have some ideas about affordable accommodations for you? Probably they even have friends, neighbors, or relatives nearby who have empty guest rooms and would be happy to have you for a few days.

My point is, if you want to do it, it's doable. If you don't want to do it you might want to be honest with yourself about why. I suspect there's more at work here than two aging dogs and financial considerations.

As to your original question: it's only a guilt-trip if you accept it as such.

Good luck!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-16-2016, 07:21 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
15,199 posts, read 10,163,665 times
Reputation: 32136
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
I just got through telling my son that I could not afford to take a trip to see the grandkids this year because the dogs cost too much to board now . He then proceeded to tell me he guesses the dogs are more important than the grandkids are , I told him no it was just a financial situation and I live on a fixed income as well they know that .I also told them they were capable of coming here as well . I have offered them the extra room I have for them to sleep in . Oh no that would be too hard to drag the kids and stuff up here . I swear I just cannot win with them . I don't know how grown children can get an attitude so quick with their parents . I guess I have offended them because I wont jump through hoops financially to go down for a visit .I truly think that they don't know what it is to live on a fixed income and how hard that is . well now I want to hear from other grandparents in similar sittuations and what did you do ? or what do you do ? I admit it has been two years since I have gone down but there is just nothing I can do in the realm of finances this year .

Seems to me the simple solution if your son really wants to see you is for him to help pay your expenses. If that is not possible, don't worry about it. I'm one of those mothers who feels once your kids are raised, out of the house and supporting themselves they cease to be my responsibility.


Yes, he is trying to guilt you by saying "I guess the dogs are more important than your grandkids." Ignore it, enjoy your life. Do what you can do and don't worry about the rest.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-16-2016, 08:08 AM
 
Location: Where the sun likes to shine!!
20,549 posts, read 30,275,117 times
Reputation: 88950
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
I just got through telling my son that I could not afford to take a trip to see the grandkids this year because the dogs cost too much to board now . He then proceeded to tell me he guesses the dogs are more important than the grandkids are , I told him no it was just a financial situation and I live on a fixed income as well they know that .I also told them they were capable of coming here as well . I have offered them the extra room I have for them to sleep in . Oh no that would be too hard to drag the kids and stuff up here . I swear I just cannot win with them . I don't know how grown children can get an attitude so quick with their parents . I guess I have offended them because I wont jump through hoops financially to go down for a visit .I truly think that they don't know what it is to live on a fixed income and how hard that is . well now I want to hear from other grandparents in similar sittuations and what did you do ? or what do you do ? I admit it has been two years since I have gone down but there is just nothing I can do in the realm of finances this year .

Just try and smooth it over for the sake of the grandkids. How old are they? Some adult children will continue to take advantage if you let them. Don't buy into the guilt. Fact is we all have our priorities and that is our "own households"…that really is #1 for all of us. So yes you, your husband and your dogs are #1…just as your son, his wife, and kids are his #1. Can he offer you some money to help you out? If not then he will have to understand your situation and get over it.

I'm with you as far as the dogs. I have one older dog now and she makes it tough to travel. I boarded her once and it was traumatic for her. I also don't want anyone in my house when I am gone. Thankfully my MIL will let us bring our dog and she stays in the laundry room which I am thankful for as she doesn't like dogs Even so this summer we have to postpone that trip because my old dog is having healthy issues and I will not make her problems anyone else's problems. When it gets cooler she will sleep in our camper in their driveway.


I also experience it both ways. My husband and I visit his parents and siblings every year. Yes we stay with his parents which I am thankful for but we pay for the trip, meals, food(I do the cooking to "pay" them back for their hospitality) but not once has any of them come to visit us. Same with my stepdaughter. We have them over for breakfast every sunday when we are in TN for the spring and summer, help with anything she needs help with and we have paid for her and her family to visit us when we are down south in the winter.(She will never pay to come see us or even offer to have us over for a meal or a snack even) Apparently we are selfish which we just found out and it hurts after all that we have done for her and her family and tried to do. Sometimes you just can't win. Good luck.

BTW, my mother always paid for my grandmother to visit us when I was young.


Keep in touch wit the grands and let them know you care. That is the best you can do right now.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-16-2016, 09:28 AM
 
1,397 posts, read 1,132,746 times
Reputation: 6289
Sorry, but I agree with the son. If you didn't have your dogs you'd be able to visit your grandkids so obviously the dogs do come first. I also had to deal with grandparents on both sides who expected us to visit them even though they were of the generation of great pensions, houses that appreciated 10x, etc.There was plenty of money to do what they wanted to do but not to visit us or shell out tickets for us to travel to them. It's a lot harder for a family to pack up the kids and take the time to travel rather than one retired person. I am astonished at how self-centered older generations can be.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-16-2016, 09:33 AM
 
13,975 posts, read 25,820,403 times
Reputation: 39851
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coloradomom22 View Post
Sorry, but I agree with the son. If you didn't have your dogs you'd be able to visit your grandkids so obviously the dogs do come first. I also had to deal with grandparents on both sides who expected us to visit them even though they were of the generation of great pensions, houses that appreciated 10x, etc.There was plenty of money to do what they wanted to do but not to visit us or shell out tickets for us to travel to them. It's a lot harder for a family to pack up the kids and take the time to travel rather than one retired person. I am astonished at how self-centered older generations can be.
None of which applies to the OP.

Have you never taken your children on vacation? It seems packing up is only a problem for some parents when the destination is grandma and grandpa.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-16-2016, 09:36 AM
 
10,196 posts, read 9,812,819 times
Reputation: 24134
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC View Post
Exactly.

The dog excuse is cringe worthy.
When I was still trying to mold my own mother into a grandparent she actually used the advance age of her pet to avoid coming to see her brand new grandchild. And not being able to afford first class tickets. Also I was coming but our plane got delayed and I asked her to run and get some groceries for us and take them to our rental (we would be coming in *very* late with 2 toddlers) and she said she couldn't because it might rain. I actually canceled that trip and stayed home.

Well those are some of the excuses she made. Lucky her I eventually gave up and she is no longer in my kid's lives. She regrets it, but she doesn't seem to be interested in fixing it.

Maybe the OP will be lucky like my mom.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-16-2016, 09:37 AM
 
10,196 posts, read 9,812,819 times
Reputation: 24134
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
None of which applies to the OP.

Have you never taken your children on vacation? It seems packing up is only a problem for some parents when the destination is grandma and grandpa.
I actually find traveling with my family extremely exhausting. Its even harder when going to a place that is painful to go to (i.e. In-law's house)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-16-2016, 09:45 AM
 
Location: Southern Illinois
10,364 posts, read 20,715,965 times
Reputation: 15642
Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent View Post
I could be wrong -- it's been known to happen -- but I think she's using the dogs as an excuse not to go. Someone with a legitimate desire to see her grandchildren would not be on-line complaining about guilt trips. She would be figuring out how to get there despite the financial challenges.
This is the feeling I got. My mother was like this--always an excuse to not see her grandgirlies, but she could travel anywhere else and do anything else she wanted. If she saw them, it was thru my efforts alone.

One way for the OP to view this is that her son and his family want to see her. In many families that's not the case.

Also, if 61 is her birth year then the OP is 55. That is not even elderly.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-16-2016, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Where the sun likes to shine!!
20,549 posts, read 30,275,117 times
Reputation: 88950
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coloradomom22 View Post
I also had to deal with grandparents on both sides who expected us to visit them even though they were of the generation of great pensions, houses that appreciated 10x, etc.There was plenty of money to do what they wanted to do but not to visit us or shell out tickets for us to travel to them.
Wow…and their money has nothing to do with what is yours or what you think you deserve. I'm sorry you see it that way but when people retire regardless if you think they have a lot of money or not they could end up living a very long and costly(health care) life. It is still their money and their choice. It would be wonderful in a rosy colored world if all parents were great an all kids were great…sadly it is just not so in many many cases.



Seriously though we never know everyone's side from reading posts only the anguish someone is feeling over it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top