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I had only one child, who is now 32. He says he regretted being an only child and always enjoyed the family environment. We separated from his dad when he was 4. He says times in his life that stand out involve grandparents, cousins and the period of time he lived with me, my new partner and partner's two daughters, of similar age. They are still very close siblings who filled a big gap in his life. And mine
I guess my kids are the exception. They are five years apart and although their interests are divergent due to age they still spend quite a bit of time together. My five year old thinks she's ten and the ten year old innately gets along with younger children. The five year olds vocabulary is extensive, due in part to her hanging around her older sister and her friends, so she can hold her own in conversation. She mimics her sisters interests...i.e. She likes the latest preteen songs vs preschooler stuff. She's very tall for her age too and she has personality in spades. If anything her sister influences her far more than adults. The ten year old is the nurturing type and doesn't mind her sister but she lets it be known when she desires her space. I'm glad I had them five years apart actually. I didn't have to deal with back to back developmental stages. I'd rather deal with staggered teenage years thanks . I too flipped back and forth about having a second child but I'm so glad that I did.
Also we make sure we give the ten year old dedicated time with us doing "big girl" stuff so that she doesn't feel that going from an only child to an eldest child is a bad thing. we go to entertainment places that cater to a wide age group. It can be done.
I have just one son that I gave birth to when I was 35...he just turned nine. I am divorced now but wish we had another child. The reason is because my son's four cousins are either in their 20's or live in the UK and will never return to the US. When his father and I die the only one to take have relations with, God willing, will be my brother who is 43 and childless.
So he will be all alone. Sad. really sad.
I am considering adopting an older child but many come from really screwed up homes and at minimum have abandonment issues that although I'd love to help, feel the would cause some harm to my son...be it emotional, physical or a bad influence.
My cousin adopted a nine year old after his parents and extended family didn't want him (his twin died and they were drug addicts). The child is now in grad school, a Christian and champion chess player with an amazing heart. Never a problem. Such a wonderful kid that he was in my wedding!
Growing up as an only doesn't mean a person can't develop strong relationships with those other than family members. It's only sad when they don't know how to nurture good friendships.
BTW, I have an only who was adopted. I have siblings and my husband is an only. We chose to only have one child because that's all we wanted. My son went through a phase of wanting an older sibling (I think it was because he still wanted to be the baby), but hasn't talked about it in years.
Do you regret not having a 2nd child? Or has life been pretty good with just one? What would you say, in your experience, have been the pros and cons?
I was an only child until after my father died when I was 15 and my mother remarried a year and a half later. I regretted being an only child from the get-go, but even more after I finally had siblings.
I feel like I've done both. I helped my husband raise two stepkids together for several years and then had my own when they were a bit older, so we've been raising my son alone since he was 3 or so.
I LOVE having my son as an only. My stepkids were two years apart and fought like cats and dogs. They were both difficult kids anyway, but put them together and it was exhausting. I was much younger then, too :-)
Having one means no compromising on activities. On weekends and vacations we can focus on what activities and places he's interested. I'm not running from one field to the next trying to watch two games, or dealing with a cranky little one who has no interest in watching her brother play baseball. When we travel we can rent a one bedroom place or even get a hotel suite and he has room to himself. He has plenty of friends - interestingly several of them are also only sons of moms who had kids in their 30's and 40's.
He complained briefly when he was in preschool about not having a sibling when all his school friends' parents seemed to be having babies, but he got over it quickly and now says he is vey glad to be an only. He's always been mature for his age - not sure if that's just him or because he was around adults so much. Interestingly, he is great with younger kids and I'm hoping he can start working as a camp counselor in two years or so. He's already done some volunteer work in that capacity.
There is more money for travel and also to put away for college. Worrying about one tuition is bad enough!
I worked part-time until he was 4 and then had to go back full-time. I got him involved in group activities from when he was small to make sure he learned how to share and take turns before he started school. He's 13 now and I have not regretted not having another at all!
I have one son who is 12 now. He has asked for a brother or sister but that has passed. There are times that have been rough in my past where money was an issue and having only one child really helped keep expenses down. Being he is the only grand child so far he pretty much gets what he wants from grandma and grandpa.
He also gets a lot more for birthdays and christmass being an only child. More room in the back when we are on vacations. He has cousins and friends he can play with and in my experience it seems siblings usually dont get a long to well till they are adult age anyhow. Being an only child, hanging out around mostly adults and not being sheltered has led him to be more mature. Most adults like to talk with him because he can carry on a conversation about more than lil kid stuff (guns, hunting, camping, fishing, gaming exe...)
Once he is older he will have a chance to make his own family and will eventually go his own way in life not relying so much on his parents or anyone else as most adults should. He will learn who he can rely on in times of need even with out having a sibling.
Being able to only focus on only him should help him do a lil better in life as he will be able to get more support while he is in college n all that. My best friend growing up was an only child and it never seemed to bother him. Then again I have never asked what he thought as an only child. I guess you can't miss something you never had
First, let me go on record as saying that I agree with everything that has been said about the number of children, including zero, being a private decision between spouses, and that no one, should ever, ever decide to have a child, or another child unless they really want that child.
That said, I think the material advantages of being an only child that you have pointed out are pretty shallow. Getting what he wants from grandma and grandpa? More room in the back? Seriously? Yes, you will likely have more money for college than if you had to put several through.
Only children may seem more mature because they can carry on these conversations with adults; that's been brought up time and again on these forums and IRL. However, put them with other kids, and they really aren't more "mature" than the other kids their age. They fight over toys just like the other kids, do the things that other kids their age do. I know whereof I speak; the next door neighbor kid was (all grown up now) an only.
The other thing is that there is nothing like a sibling relationship. Nothing at all. Not that I think such a relationship is vital, just that you can't get it through friends, who come and go through life, or even cousins. It's sort of like saying that living with a roommate is the same thing as marriage.
My kids always had an "edgy" relationship. Now in young adulthood, it's been better and worse at different times. It was the same with my bro and I. He and I are now on a good swing. When our aging parents needed a lot of help, not so much. I resented his lack of help, until I decided for good I wasn't going to get any help from him. After our mom, the last surviving parent died, he did tell me he appreciated all I'd done.
I am sick to my stomach whenever my husband says it, and it makes me lash out at him, and it makes me run to my son and hug him as hard as I can to tell him he is wanted and he can't listen to mean things like that. I shouldn't have to talk with a 5 year about how his dad talks, but it's sad to type out that I've been having the talk with him since he was an infant too young to understand the words his dad was saying.
This just makes my heart ache -- for you, and for your son. No matter how reassuring and supportive you are, it is so damaging for a child to hear that from The Man in their life, their father, the one who is supposed to be their bulwark against the world.
If it were me, I think the first time he said that, there would have been a "come to Jesus" meeting -- either he gets with the program, or he gets another place to live. I hope you are successful in getting him into some sort of marriage or family therapy before there's too much damage to undo.
I have a 13 year old daughter that is an only child. When she was much younger, she would ask, but that only lasted a year or 2. After that, she said she liked being an only. She said it was fun playing with her cousins and friends, but at the end of the day she liked getting to be in her own space with her own things, and didn't have to share or bicker. We think our family feels complete with one, and it is annoying when people get persnickety about it, saying only's are spoiled, she needs a playmate, she must be so lonely, etc...when she was younger, I joined a moms group and she always had playgroups. We always encourage her to socialize with others, and put her in activities she enjoys. She's loving violin right now�� This is the first thread in a long time where everyone said relatively positive things about it, save one.
Health issues were part of the reason we only had one. We also had her when I was 33, my husband was 41. She was born a month early and the last month I was on bed rest because of a uterine tear. I also had a good bout of post partum anxiety. It was a roller coaster of a first year for sure! I've had fleeting thoughts of having another, but my daughter said no way...she likes being an only��
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