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His dad is living with me and help me with the rent/bills. He has a full time job. He said that he can't keep helping his son out when he is making bad choices.
If its your house, feel free to do whatever you want. But again, people with kids come with baggage.
If unconditional love means turning into a doormat and letting your offspring disrespect you and treat you like crap, I want no part of it and neither would anyone else who has even a shred of self-respect.
LKB0714, maybe we define "love" differently. How many chances do we give AN ADULT who is really a crappy human being? If your answer is "they get unlimited chances because you should unconditionally love them," well, I completely disagree with you. You can "love" someone without bailing them out over and over and over and over again. (Do YOU seriously believe that parents should put up with ANYTHING from their adult kids in the name of "unconditional love"? No personal responsibility needed, I guess, despite the lip service we pay to it.)
You should try to read what I wrote instead of going off on a tangent.
Additionally, what you put in quotes I never said. And to be clear you said an you don't love anyone due to an "accident of birth" (and those quotes are literally quotes). That is sad for your children, assuming you have any.
And yes, I have adult children, she is a responsible, well adjusted young woman. That doesn't mean she isn't occasionally less than stellar. She has been known to be a bit of a slob herself, including once on a trip home leaving clothes in the washer so long they got moldy. Not quite as gross as pee bottles but still pretty gross. Strangely I still love her and would allow her to come home if need be.
People seem to be harping on the son being a slob but I haven't seen anything in this thread that warrants the term "crappy human being" or the word ANYTHING all in caps. Just a lazy, moochy guy who should clean up after himself and pay his own way. No stealing mentioned, no abuse, nothing to warrant the vitriol directed at him from you, someone who doesn't even know him. Sounds a it defensive to be honest.
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BTW, the OP's thread from last summer is here: Boyfriend's 29 year adult son living in the home . The boyfriend's son sounds absolutely disgusting. As one poster on that thread put it, "I think pissing into water bottles would be the line for me....."
I wasn't aware that I am expected to read all 61 posts from a year ago before commenting in a thread. Maybe that should be a sticky.
Regardless, anyone in a serious relationship with a parent should be aware that they come with baggage. I would give a grown child whose worst trait seems to be slovenliness a second chance (not even a third or fourth or whatever) just to support my relationship, but clearly you think dad should just cut the son out of his life completely.
Where did I say she should support anyone? She isn't the parent. She isn't even related by marriage to this person. What I said, and continue to say, is that it is normal for parents to give kids second chances.
I wasn't speaking about the OP particularly -- I was speaking more to your more general comments about so-called "unconditional love." And in what you quoted, I wasn't speaking about "support" in the financial sense. Did you read in the OP's thread from last year (which she referenced in the first post of THIS thread) about some of the absolutely disgusting things the boyfriend's son did (at 29 years old, BTW -- NOT 13)? If I were the boyfriend (the father), I absolutely WOULD NOT "support" (in ANY way) someone who did what he did. I would want nothing to do with him.
Oh, and SECOND chances? Fine -- virtually everyone deserves a second chance. But third and fourth and fifth and sixth and seventh chances and on and on and ON, just because someone HAPPENS to share DNA with me? Seriously? Where does it end? Or does it NEVER end, according to you, because that's what "unconditional love" is all about?!
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Originally Posted by lkb0714
The above is literally the definition of CONDITIONAL love.
Maybe, but I think it is a completely appropriate way to look at ADULTS. Again, I am curious: to you, where does it end? Just because some 30- or 35-year-old HAPPENS -- by pure accident of birth -- to be related to you, you think you should give them a million "chances" to be a good, decent human being? I think that's nuts. Accidents of birth do not justify or excuse absolutely horrendous behavior. I see WAY too many parents excusing disgusting, nasty, mean behavior because the kid is related to them, and I find it appalling and inexcusable.
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ETA: Just saw you posted again just before I did, responding to me ...
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Originally Posted by lkb0714
You should try to read what I wrote instead of going off on a tangent.
<sigh> No tangent there.
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Originally Posted by lkb0714
Additionally, what you put in quotes I never said. And to be clear you said an you don't love anyone due to an "accident of birth" (and those quotes are literally quotes). That is sad for your children, assuming you have any.
Um, no, I didn't say that -- I didn't say I wouldn't love a child because he/she was an "accident of birth." I have very, very different "rules" of behavior for kids versus ADULTS. If I had an adult child who was a disgusting human being, and I'd given him/her several chances already, then I would say "enough." My point is that JUST sharing DNA is not enough to forgive EVERYTHING that ADULTS do.
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Originally Posted by lkb0714
And yes, I have adult children, she is a responsible, well adjusted young woman. That doesn't mean she isn't occasionally less than stellar. She has been known to be a bit of a slob herself, including once on a trip home leaving clothes in the washer so long they got moldy. Not quite as gross as pee bottles but still pretty gross. Strangely I still love her and would allow her to come home if need be.
Um, she sounds NOTHING like how the OP described the boyfriend's son. And yeah, I think peeing in bottles -- and leaving them to be found and thrown away by other people -- simply because you can't be bothered to get up and go to the bathroom is absolutely, mind-bogglingly disgusting -- especially for a 29-year-old person! If I had an ADULT child who did that, he or she would not be welcome in my home.
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Originally Posted by lkb0714
I wasn't aware that I am expected to read all 61 posts from a year ago before commenting in a thread. Maybe that should be a sticky.
Didn't have to read them, but the OP referred to her previous post, so it was relevant.
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Originally Posted by lkb0714
Regardless, anyone in a serious relationship with a parent should be aware that they come with baggage. I would give a grown child whose worst trait seems to be slovenliness a second chance (not even a third or fourth or whatever) just to support my relationship, but clearly you think dad should just cut the son out of his life completely.
Yes, if that kid were my kid, I would have said "good riddance" long ago. If by the age of 29 you still are peeing in bottles and expecting other people to dispose of said bottles, and not supporting yourself, and not even TRYING, then why on earth would I want you around? Just because we share DNA? Nope.
Last edited by karen_in_nh_2012; 07-25-2016 at 05:35 PM..
I wasn't speaking about the OP particularly -- I was speaking more to your more general comments about so-called "unconditional love." And in what you quoted, I wasn't speaking about "support" in the financial sense. Did you read in the OP's thread from last year (which she referenced in the first post of THIS thread) about some of the absolutely disgusting things the boyfriend's son did (at 29 years old, BTW -- NOT 13)? If I were the boyfriend (the father), I absolutely WOULD NOT "support" (in ANY way) someone who did what he did. I would want nothing to do with him.
Oh, and SECOND chances? Fine -- virtually everyone deserves a second chance. But third and fourth and fifth and sixth and seventh chances and on and on and ON, just because someone HAPPENS to share DNA with me? Seriously? Where does it end? Or does it NEVER end, according to you, because that's what "unconditional love" is all about?!
Maybe, but I think it is a completely appropriate way to look at ADULTS. Again, I am curious: to you, where does it end? Just because some 30- or 35-year-old HAPPENS -- by pure accident of birth -- to be related to you, you think you should give them a million "chances" to be a good, decent human being? I think that's nuts. Accidents of birth do not justify or excuse absolutely horrendous behavior. I see WAY too many parents excusing disgusting, nasty, mean behavior because the kid is related to them, and I find it appalling and inexcusable.
Seriously, if he did absolutely disgusting things; like terrible horrific things, then why did the OP start this thread with talking about being messy? Suspicious to say the least.
Again, based on what the OP said this would be the son's SECOND CHANCE. So, again, it seems like you are working on your own issues rather than the OPs.
End? You seriously expect a parent to end their relationship aka not "support in anyway" their adult children for being messy? Because if there was something in the other thread about the son being abusive, then why did the OP start with being dirty?
The above is literally the definition of CONDITIONAL love.
You can love someone without supporting their self-defeating behaviors. Part of love is setting boundaries and not enabling behavior that is self-destructive.
Seriously, if he did absolutely disgusting things; like terrible horrific things, then why did the OP start this thread with talking about being messy? Suspicious to say the least.
Um, she wrote the other thread (which detailed the grossest stuff) a year ago, so it's not like she is making stuff up NOW. Nothing suspicious at all.
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Originally Posted by lkb0714
Again, based on what the OP said this would be the son's SECOND CHANCE. So, again, it seems like you are working on your own issues rather than the OPs.
Um, OK, thanks, Mr. Therapist.
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Originally Posted by lkb0714
End? You seriously expect a parent to end their relationship aka not "support in anyway" their adult children for being messy? Because if there was something in the other thread about the son being abusive, then why did the OP start with being dirty?
This is what a 29-year-old did: pee'd in bottles in someone else's house because he was too lazy to get up to use the actual bathroom, left said bottles to be found, did not support himself, was a total freeloader at someone else's house, broke the rules of said house, etc., etc., etc. Yes, I would say "good riddance" to such a person. I find it a bit astonishing that anyone would find this behavior OK in a 29-year-old.
You know, maybe we should just agree to disagree. Clearly you would be OK with, or forgive, a lot of behavior IN ADULTS that I would find appalling and unacceptable. OK.
Seriously, if he did absolutely disgusting things; like terrible horrific things, then why did the OP start this thread with talking about being messy? Suspicious to say the least.
Again, based on what the OP said this would be the son's SECOND CHANCE. So, again, it seems like you are working on your own issues rather than the OPs.
End? You seriously expect a parent to end their relationship aka not "support in anyway" their adult children for being messy? Because if there was something in the other thread about the son being abusive, then why did the OP start with being dirty?
I believe the son had many "second chances" while he was living there the last time.
Adult kids who cannot respect boundaries have no place living in the home of anyone else, parents' or otherwise.
You can still love children without enabling their bad behavior. A parent who sets firm boundaries is actually demonstrating love much more than the parent who allows bad behavior over and over again.
It seems the father is handling his baggage quite well. He said No to his son regarding moving in.
Good for him. He probably understands the boundaries of the OP and knows that both he and his son would be gone if he tried to allow him to live there again.
Good also for the OP for actually setting firm boundaries.
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