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Old 05-22-2009, 12:39 PM
 
Location: In the real world!
2,178 posts, read 8,236,386 times
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She is 28 now so at what age do you plan to cut her loose? My sister was that way with her daughter. She finally had to cut her loose when the daughter was in her 40's but by then, she had drug her parents living down to living like trash. They had went from being home owners to renting a trashy apartment and having new cars to having none..

You are NOT doing your daughter and favors by supporting her at this age, you are as someone else said CRIPPLING her and failing to do your job as a parent by continuing to keep her dependent on you rather than learning to stand on her own. YOU will not be around forever, who will she depend on when you are gone.... you just going to leave her to sink or swim on her own with no one to get advice from or teach her how to take care of herself?............

My sister finally had enough and packed up and moved across the country and just left her daughter behind with no skills on how to take care of herself so she is just about living on the streets now... Believe me, the burden of taking care of adult children WILL get to be to much for you one day and you will have to cut those apron strings to save yourself. Don't wait until it gets that bad, start doing it NOW!

 
Old 05-22-2009, 02:09 PM
 
Location: England
1,171 posts, read 2,188,943 times
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You are doing yourself and your daughter NO favours at all. By 28 she should be a big girl, standing on her own 2 feet and helping her PARENTS instead of acting like a dependant child. Sorry, don't won't to sound harsh, but there it is. The truth.
My friend has a son, who still lives with her at 40. She complains all the time, but what does she do? She gets up at 4 am - to make his breakfast before he goes in to work. I told her she has to stop it, she is nearly 60. She ends up resenting her son, but its her fault for not kicking him out of the house when he was a lot, lot younger. I would help my children all I could, but once they are 28? They should be independant, unless there are unforseen circumstances that cause some kind of problem. Otherwise - be cruel to be kind.
My husband has relied on his parents, they molly coddled him, I ended up paying the price for their over indulgence. He admits that they did too much for him.
 
Old 05-22-2009, 05:04 PM
 
Location: California
29,634 posts, read 31,979,723 times
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Ugg, we are talking about this now. Our oldest is 22 and going into her final year of college. Of course we will continue to support her while she is in school but after that it gets tricky. She will probably move back home with us for awhile after graduating, unless she has a job lined up somewhere which is highly unlikely given her major and the economy. My thinking is that I will always provide a home and basic sustenance for my kids or anyone who needs it (we've had one of our kids friends live with us from time to time) and have no issues with multi generational families living together, but they will need to have jobs and be working towards independence, and hopefully marriage and families of their own.

Along the same lines my parents are now both in their 80's and beginning to have health issues. Nothing bad yet but the signs are all there. I am 50 and most likely going to be divorcing soon after 28 years of marriage and 20 years of being a SAHM. Although I'm going to college to bone up on my work skills I'm not sure when a good job (as in good pay and benefits so I can support myself and keep my own home) is going to come my way. My parents have already suggested ME living with THEM at some point in the future to help them stay in their house and provide companionship should one of them pass on before the other. It's really going to be interesting to see how all this plays out, at least we all get along and like each other!!
 
Old 05-24-2009, 05:08 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,792,170 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lionsdale View Post
I can't help but think this is a very cultural thing.

I went to Professional School at the age of 24, and the average age of entry into said Professional school is stated to be 24-26.

I can't help but think of the millions of Peers who would not be able to afford said School and expenses, if their Parents had not supported them during these years.
Yes it's very cultural. The part of the country I'm in is very Mexican and it's not at all unusual for grown children to live at home. Not only is it accepted, it's the norm. 40 year old men and women still live with their parents, often several families life in one house, or they buy the houses next door. Daughters with children live in the same house with their mothers, grandmothers, and grown brothers. The brothers are the male role models for their nieces and nephews.

There are some advantages. Kids know their cousins like siblings, kids always have some adult around. Sometimes the grandmother or grandfather provides a stable figure while the mom is out running around. Moms never seem very tied down and the families pool the incomes to some extent. Parents believe they should support their children until or after marriage and can't fathom the idea of enjoying retirement years without them.

There are obvious disadvantages too.
 
Old 05-25-2009, 01:51 PM
 
Location: South Carolina
3,398 posts, read 6,967,731 times
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Hmm...interesting discussion indeed/

So, say if you're 22 years old, live at home, have a part-time job, go to school full-time and pay your own expenses (including school), what's the "cut off" point in that situation??
 
Old 05-25-2009, 01:58 PM
 
1,091 posts, read 3,236,431 times
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Quote:
You cripple your children when you make their lives easy. It's that simple.
I think this is the thing to keep in mind.
It simply isn't good for adult children to be reliant on their elderly parents.
It may seem that they can't make it without financial support- it may seem like it to them and their parents.
But it's an illusion, and true happiness comes with self-reliance, even when self-reliance involves sacrifices and making uncomfortable changes in one's lifestyle.

It is in your daughter's best interest that you cut her off.
It would be a kindness.
Save a little, if you can, for a true emergency; but a true emergency means life or death, life-threatening illness or injury.
Even if she becomes homeless, that is not a life-threatening emergency.
There are shelters, there is state and federal assistance, there are food banks and free clinics.
Let her go, she that she might have a life.
 
Old 05-25-2009, 04:51 PM
 
1,986 posts, read 3,471,031 times
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Question: When is it okay to cut off adult kids?

Answer: When they become adults.
 
Old 05-26-2009, 09:09 PM
 
433 posts, read 1,540,756 times
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I think it depends on the situation. Is she lazy and doesn't want to work or advance in her job? Is she responsible and is trying as hard as possible to make ends meet?

I ask because I have a sister who is 32 and still gets some help from my parents. Its a long story but she is doing the best she can. She has a college education but with her personalily she just can't seem to get a high paying job. She works in a daycare and has off and on had other jobs at the same time. She owns a car and shares an apartment with someone. When it comes to getting an expensive car repair or needing help with medical bills they help her a little bit. As I said it is a long story as far as personality. She has a degree in social work but there is no way she could be that really strong, tough social worker. She has the personality of a daycare worker. She relates better to children as far as dishing out authority.

She is responsible and she does work full time. Life just deals some expensive cards some times. I know someone will say "what would she do if she didn't have parents to help?" well....she probably wouldn't have had that tumor removed a few months ago and she would have to get rides from other people to work. Or I guess she would have put it on a credit card and that isn't any better.
 
Old 05-26-2009, 09:33 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 89,141,410 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John1960 View Post
Question: My husband and I have been planning to retire early. The thing is, our 28-year-old daughter, who is something of a late bloomer, still relies on us financially. Once we retire, we won’t be able to help Nora nearly as much. I think we should continue working until she’s self-supporting, but my husband says no way - we’ve already done enough. Please tell him there’s no time limit on being a good parent!

Our answer: While it’s true that there’s no time limit on being a good parent, the clock is running out on Nora’s being a child. Your obligation was to feed her, shelter her, educate her and teach her right from wrong while she was a minor. Now it’s her obligation to support herself and not stand in the way of her parents’ retirement - and happiness.
That 28-year-old is a late bloomer because her parents never pushed her from the nest!
 
Old 05-26-2009, 11:32 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,792,170 times
Reputation: 22171
Quote:
Originally Posted by boilrmkr View Post
I think it depends on the situation. Is she lazy and doesn't want to work or advance in her job? Is she responsible and is trying as hard as possible to make ends meet?

I ask because I have a sister who is 32 and still gets some help from my parents. Its a long story but she is doing the best she can. She has a college education but with her personalily she just can't seem to get a high paying job. She works in a daycare and has off and on had other jobs at the same time. She owns a car and shares an apartment with someone. When it comes to getting an expensive car repair or needing help with medical bills they help her a little bit. As I said it is a long story as far as personality. She has a degree in social work but there is no way she could be that really strong, tough social worker. She has the personality of a daycare worker. She relates better to children as far as dishing out authority.

She is responsible and she does work full time. Life just deals some expensive cards some times. I know someone will say "what would she do if she didn't have parents to help?" well....she probably wouldn't have had that tumor removed a few months ago and she would have to get rides from other people to work. Or I guess she would have put it on a credit card and that isn't any better.
A side of me says kids should be kicked out by a certain age, another side says -- it's totally up to the people involved. What if someone never leaves home? They may stay single, they may even marry and move their spouse into the house and raise children.

Maybe everyone is happy with this arrangement -- and the kid will inherit the house anyhow most likely. Maybe the older couple likes the thought of someone being there to take care of them. Maybe everyone likes each other's companionship.

I knew a guy who kept living with his mom his whole life. He once had alcohol problems and never quite got on his feet but stayed dry. She was widowed, he did things around the house, maintained the yard. Instead of each sitting alone somewhere, they would sit and bicker or sit and quietly watch the television, eat dinner.

It's American culture for kids to want to leave home -- but I think always there are those people who don't follow that. Whatever works, whatever is right for those involved is what they should do.
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