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Hi,
I have been searching for help for months, I dont know what to do.
So im a 30 year old single father of a 7 and 8 year old. I have no help, no family where i stay, its just us
My kids are wild. They take nothing serious. Sports, school, nothing. They just dont care win or lose. All they want to do is fight each other.
Now when i was young, i was a goofball. So i get it. And there mom is, well theres a reason i have full custody.
I dont even know what im trying to ask, i guess, how do i help my children finally want to achieve greatness...whether it be school, sports or anything.
Can you teach that??
I just want the best for them. And i see other kids theirr age who seemingly "get it". And as a parent, that makes me question whether or not my kids will be prepared to compete with their peers 10-15 years from now.
Do i just let kids be kids?? My indian friend from college said his parents told him he could be a doctor, engineer or computer scientist... do i push my kids like that??
Im so lost and broken. And i feel like im failining them.
I homeschool them during the summer.. is that enough??
You just let kids be kids and let them have fun outlets for their energy.
Figure out what activity they are seeking (like is it vestibular? pushing, smashing, spinning) and find ways they can meet that need without driving you crazy
When you overly worry about your kid you are telling them "you aren't good enough. I don't accept who you are". So you need to be careful and back off. Let them be themselves.
It is harder to be a single parent to young children. 2 parents do balance each other out and show a united front. There is thing about a single parent to a child, where the line between the parent and child isn't clear. The children think that they are equals to the parent. I have seen that happen a lot with 1 parent/1 child.
It is a thing. You have to take back control somehow. I don't know if you can get them motivated. That is something they have to do themselves but you can make rules.
It is better if the child never knows they have a choice. One thing that is very important is that they do their work every day. No activity comes before schoolwork. We had homework time at 5pm every day and the kids knew that it was homework time and they never questioned because they were conditioned from kindergarten to know the rules. Kids crave routine. They might fight it but they do like it. The thing about academic success or at least adequacy is that they must do their work, and it gets very hard because the homework is piled on. The key to graduating from high school is to always do your work, even if you are not that smart. If you do the work every day and don't miss assignments, then you will graduate. If you are smart but goof off and don't think you are supposed to do your work then you might not make it.
It can be really hard to keep that up if there are extra-curricular activities but the homework must be done every day. If you start to slack, or allow them to then it can be a snowball effect. This is training for life because when you are an adult you must always show up for work. People who are trained to let it slide, don't do as well in life. Once you slip once, then you slip twice and slipping becomes a pattern.
Same thing for bedtime. This should have started at birth. Bedtime is at a certain time and it is always at the certain time and there is never any question because the choice is never given. Options are not known about when you don't tell them that they exist. This is the trick. You have the bedtime routine. Dinner, bath, storytime, toothbrush or whatever your routine is.
As for the sibling rivalry. I know all about that because I grew up with it. My kids did not because they got along but I wouldn't put with what my parents did. What I would do if there was any fighting is I wouldn't let them play together. That was the punishment for not getting along. They do want to play together. Anytime they fight, separate.
It is harder because you are a single dad and you probably didn't do this from the beginning. The trick is to start early but you can try to establish routine now. Most important is the doing the work part because that can be a make or break.
I was the working mom and my husband was at home when the kids were young and he was the one who did this. I would have been more disorganized and I wouldn't have known to do this, or that it would work. I am giving credit where credit is due. It really worked.
Kids that age may not be motivated but they need structure. As for summer, it is a long time to go without anything to do. I used to make my kids go to summer school. Summers are long.
My kids were 1 year apart also. That is much easier because they are at the same level and they can play together and keep each other occupied and help each other, hopefully. I always paired up my kids to help each other. One had strengths that the other didn't have and would complement each other.
It isn't easy but it is easier to have routine and structure then it is to have chaos.
Hi,
I have been searching for help for months, I dont know what to do.
So im a 30 year old single father of a 7 and 8 year old. I have no help, no family where i stay, its just us
My kids are wild. They take nothing serious. Sports, school, nothing. They just dont care win or lose. All they want to do is fight each other.
...
Is it possible that they are together too much?
Are they in the same clubs and the same sports or in different activities? Do they spend time with different friends or are they always together with the same few kids in the neighborhood? If they share a bedroom, they may be together almost 24/7 in the summer.
Sometimes, siblings need to spend time with other people to appreciate the time that they spend with each other.
Even if you do not have any relatives in the area I am sure that you have friends, neighbors and co-workers that care about you and your children. Can you arrange for them to spend more time apart? Perhaps, while one is having a play date with Bobby you can do a special activity or just spend some quiet time with Billy.
Later in the week when Billy goes on a play date you can spend quality time with Bobby.
Or Bobbie joins a baseball team and Billy joins a soccer team?
Can the boys visit Grandma & Grandpa, in another city, by themselves for a week each summer?
What about "character building" organizations and clubs like Boy Scouts, 4-H, Church groups or the Boys & Girls Club?
Are they really "wild" or just active? Have they gotten into trouble or been suspended from school for fighting? Have they been referred to special education for severe behavioral problems? Have their teachers recommended that you seek psychiatric services for them? Have they broken bones or seriously injured each other, you, neighbors or classmates? Have you needed to call the police to break up their fights? If "No", then perhaps it is not as serious a probably as you think.
(If you think that I am joking about my questions then you have not had experience with young boys who are seriously "wild" and out of control.)
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-10-2016 at 02:17 PM..
They are really young. Too young to take anything "seriously." As long as they are not causing serious behavior problems in school and are working on grade level, then let them be. They will be fine. They don't need "greatness." Happiness is much preferable.
When they don't take something seriously (like school), or start fighting, what are the consequences? If there really aren't any, then you are not giving them any reason to take anything seriously or act any differently.
So im a 30 year old single father of a 7 and 8 year old.
My kids are wild. They take nothing serious. Sports, school, nothing. They just dont care win or lose. All they want to do is fight each other.
I dont even know what im trying to ask, i guess, how do i help my children finally want to achieve greatness...whether it be school, sports or anything.
They sound like normal boys....and what do you mean by "finally"? See the bolded.
As parents we have more leverage than we realize. If you were to count the number of things you do for your kids over the course of one day (you can even subtract things you must do like food and shelther), I bet you would count over 100 things. Every time they ask you to do something, to give them something, to go here, to go there, to have that, etc. It's time to start pulling back on that stuff until they come around to understanding the parent/kid dynamic.
You can do both. You can let kids be kids AND pull back on the things they want when they don't respond to your wishes (enough). It's a push/pull thing...not black and white. More art than science.
They are subject to the basic nature of animals. If their behavior drives the elimination of things they want in life, they will start to come around. Kids are SMART. If the rules of the game are obvious, they will start to play.
You're not alone in this. Hang in there. And, hey, you're boys are active and that is great. And brothers fighting, I mean to extent it's absolutely normal.
All kids do this. They take for granted all that adults do for them. They begin to feel that they are the ones in charge...essentially that you work for them. You need to flip the script and show them that you have the power to stop doing certain things. Think about it, you are much smarter than they are. I'm sure you can find creative ways to take their life down to some bare essentials and it would get their attention.
The other part of this is: do they fear anything? And I'm not talking about spanking or punishment. I'm talking about the world around them. For instance, I grew up in a rough neighborhood. And so I valued the feeling of safety provided by family/home...and I basically fell in line because I knew there was this other more unforgiving world out there. This sounds harsh but you need to get your kids some exposure to different walks of life and make them a little uncomfortable. I don't know, take them and volunteer with them at a soup kitchen or a shelter or whatever. Take them to a playground in a more hardscrabble part of town. Don't explain what you're doing. Just expose them to other worlds. Seriously, they will start to value you and the security you provide. They won't be so dismissive of it. Those are just some ideas.
Don't totally reverse what you're doing. Don't "clamp down". Go gradual. Try different things and evaluate the results. The kids need space and don't need a comprehensive discipline regime dropped on them all of a sudden.
You probably don't even realize all things you are already doing right. Just make some adjustments and keep seeking ideas. This is parenting...you do your best. Don't be defeated.
Speaking of which...last point...rediscover a little bit of yourself. They aren't toddlers any more. Take care of yourself. Reward yourself. They need to see that. I will help dispell the idea that you are on the passive party. Let them see you having fun doing adult things. They will immediately get jealous and try to disrupt but don't let that happen. You are the boss, dude. Good luck.
Hi,
I have been searching for help for months, I dont know what to do.
So im a 30 year old single father of a 7 and 8 year old. I have no help, no family where i stay, its just us
My kids are wild. They take nothing serious. Sports, school, nothing. They just dont care win or lose. All they want to do is fight each other.
Now when i was young, i was a goofball. So i get it. And there mom is, well theres a reason i have full custody.
I dont even know what im trying to ask, i guess, how do i help my children finally want to achieve greatness...whether it be school, sports or anything.
Can you teach that??
I just want the best for them. And i see other kids theirr age who seemingly "get it". And as a parent, that makes me question whether or not my kids will be prepared to compete with their peers 10-15 years from now.
Do i just let kids be kids?? My indian friend from college said his parents told him he could be a doctor, engineer or computer scientist... do i push my kids like that??
Im so lost and broken. And i feel like im failining them.
I homeschool them during the summer.. is that enough??
As you can tell.... im a wreck.
You let them be kids, but you don't let them be wild without boundaries.
No, you don't push them for academic greatness at this age (or any really).
You make rules and guidelines. You set a good example. You give them an outlet for their energy.
They need to do their homework.
They need to be responsible for simple chores.
They need a physical outlet like a sports team or martial arts.
They need a bed time.
They don't need to be perfect in school, but they need to do the work to the best of their ability. Expose them to educational TV shows and museums and see what they're interested in. When you see something, stick with it.
Why are you homeschooling them over the summer? Do they need extra help? It doesn't hurt to take a break.
You let them be kids, but you don't let them be wild without boundaries.
No, you don't push them for academic greatness at this age (or any really).
You make rules and guidelines. You set a good example. You give them an outlet for their energy.
They need to do their homework.
They need to be responsible for simple chores.
They need a physical outlet like a sports team or martial arts.
They need a bed time.
They don't need to be perfect in school, but they need to do the work to the best of their ability. Expose them to educational TV shows and museums and see what they're interested in. When you see something, stick with it.
Why are you homeschooling them over the summer? Do they need extra help? It doesn't hurt to take a break.
This. Make sure to set limits and establish clear expectations. In addition to clarifying their expectations, it's important to teach them exactly what you expect. For example, my kids have had chores pretty much their entire lives. They were very easy when they were young, and now in their teenage years they have bigger expectations. When they were little, I had to teach them what to do with trash they had picked up. As they became older I had to teach them how to clean a bathroom and what I expect from a clean bathroom. Reasonable expectations are important, but so is giving them the tools to be successful.
I agree with Kibbiekat's list. Those are all very important things and will help provide structure to all of your lives.
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