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It's hard to give an accurate prediction, because there are so many variables. But if you both work, your biggest expense by far will be either the cost of daycare, or the lost income if one of you stays home until the child starts school. After that, your child care expenses will drop quite a bit, because you only need to worry about the 14 weeks/year that school is not in session.
Other than that, feeding, diapering, and clothing them isn't that expensive during those years. Diapers can be bought in bulk for a lot less money (cloth diapering can save money too, but not as much as cloth-diapering websites will purport). Breastfeeding cuts down on the need for formula (although that too can be bought in bulk to save money, or buy generic brands which are regulated the same as name brands). They don't eat much when they're little, so it's not a big expense.
As far as clothes go, you'll likely be gifted a ton of infant-size clothes (especially newborn and 0-3 month sizes); return half of them for store credit or bigger sizes. Take advantage of thrift stores, yard sales, Craig's List, and Ebay. Keep them in good condition, and then resell them again. I think over the course of three kids, I've probably cleared a thousand dollars per kid reselling outgrown clothes and cloth diapers.
Other than that, they don't need a heck of a lot of stuff: a good car seat for each stage, a place to sleep, a place to keep their clothes, and a small rotation of toys. The real onslaught of expenses doesn't start until they hit middle school, so save money where you can while they are still tiny.
Q3 Tax Credit - For our situation (which is similar to yours - 1 child with gross income > 100K), it is actually better to contribute to my employer Dependent Care FSA (we do the maximum $5000) vs take the dependent care tax credit when filing the federal tax.
Q4 - Daycare is our major expense. Next year with the new baby, our daycare cost will be $2000/month - which is crazy to me, but it is what it is. At least we don't live in the east/west coast where the cost is even higher.
Agree to previous posters. We have 2 kids, and daycare is the major expense. Each child you have to put in daycare is like having 1 extra mortgage. The food they eat is negligible compared to that.
Childbirth costs depend completely on your insurance. My coworker has crappy insurance and it cost him $20K. I have great insurance (I'm on my husband's plan) and ours cost $200 total for the whole thing.
Another hidden expense is school. Our house got rezoned to a not-great school district shortly after our first child was born. So we had the option of either moving into a more expensive area to get into another school district, or paying for private school. We opted for private school, and it costs a little more than daycare.
We had 3 kids in 3 years. So I had 3 kids 3 and under at once. It can be pretty inexpensive and it can be incredibly expensive. It all depends on how you spend money and what types of things you feel are essential. My husband and I had different work schedules so I could stay home with the kids during the day. Where we lived, the pools and beaches were free, and we went those places as well as parks, etc. We lived in a rural area, so no gymboree classes or stuff like that (which was fine, couldn't really afford those). We used public schools. We didn't order them adult meals when we went out. We were very cognizant of how much we were spending. Life didn't get too expensive with them until we had to pay full price for movies, order adult meals, pay for sports and other events. So it really depends on what you as a family prioritize and what you want to get done. We are now living in a very expensive area with teens and bringing home way less than you and it's tough, to be sure.
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