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Fortunately we are fortunate to be available 24/7 and tend to host kids as opposed to sending them off.
I wouldn't let my 6 year old go to the park across the street regardless if I could see it or not from my den. The amount of things that can happen in the several minutes it would take you to identify the issue and react wouldn't be an acceptable risk to me. There is zero chance you are sitting there looking out the window non stop without averting your eyes. So right there no way in hell I'd let my daughter do that and if another parent did that I wouldn't let her go over.
The rest I could care less. We don't hide things at all. TV, movies whatever. Not topic is taboo for us. No big deal. Not going to fire up a porno flick or anything but if a nipple slips or dirty words get said it isn't ear muffs and eye patches with hands. We don't care and know full and well she hears and has heard that stuff by now.
If she is over with friends the door stays open and I keep an ear out as I was molested as a child by an overly aggressive cousin with far too much experience and I don't want her to have to deal with that. So door stays open and I do listen in on what is going on but hardly helicopter. You can teach bad touch, good touch until your blue in the face. Kids can be curious if put in the situation and they know full and well the consequences of what happens when they tell something drastic happened to mom / Dad. Many kids don't want to deal with the fallout so say nothing, so it continues and ultimately escalates. Best to not let it happen or give it the opportunity happen by simply keeping a door open and half way paying attention.
My husband and I are very laid back parents, almost the verge of being free range. We let our son go outside by himself, swing by friends' homes and play unsupervised in the play room. We don't shield him from the news or movies and are very straightforward and honest with him. He has toy guns, he jumps on trampolines and all the stuff we did as kids. We just don't worry about it. If he has a problem he lets us know and then we get involved, otherwise we try to foster independence and creativity. He's 6.
Well his best friend's parents are crazy helicopter parents. To the point where when the child comes to our house they want us in the room with them at all times, in the yard if they are (we can watch from our den), absolutely not in the park which we can also see all of from the house, and want us to remove certain toys and block certain tv shows. They also went so far as to say they don't want the boys playing toy soldiers because they pretend shoot. I have told them repeatedly that at our house that's not how we do it but at their house our son will respect their rules and limits. But they're being very pushy about it. I don't want our son to lose his friend but I also don't believe in changing my parenting style in my own home because of what someone else does. Any tips on dealing with this situation?
You already told them how you do things. And they are still expecting different?
" But they're being very pushy about it."
How are they being pushy? What sort of things are they doing?
Personally, if I had the kind of issues that you are describing they have, I wouldn't be allowing my child to come to your house. So, they must not have the strength of their convictions if their child is still allowed to come play at your home.
What's more important to you? Standing up for your 'principles'? Or allowing your son to develop a lasting friendship?
I'm stunned by the number of people who say "Just get a new friend'. It really isn't that easy. Both boys might really benefit from THIS friendship. Doesn't mean they can't find other friends, but don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.
What that mom is asking for might not make much sense to you, but is any of it horribly inconvenient for you? Would it kill you to walk over to the park with the boys and hang out with them for half an hour? you can be present without hovering or directing their play.
Social skills are not to be shrugged off. Model good negotiating skills for your son by finding a way to work with this other mom. If you need to have a conversation with your son like "In some families, playing with guns isn't allowed because people are concerned about the violence done by real guns", he'll benefit from learning it. He isn't too young to have that conversation. Teach tolerance.
You will find that as your kids age, parents are less 'competitive' and this sort of thing eases off.
My husband and I are very laid back parents, almost the verge of being free range. We let our son go outside by himself, swing by friends' homes and play unsupervised in the play room. We don't shield him from the news or movies and are very straightforward and honest with him. He has toy guns, he jumps on trampolines and all the stuff we did as kids. We just don't worry about it. If he has a problem he lets us know and then we get involved, otherwise we try to foster independence and creativity. He's 6.
Well his best friend's parents are crazy helicopter parents. To the point where when the child comes to our house they want us in the room with them at all times, in the yard if they are (we can watch from our den), absolutely not in the park which we can also see all of from the house, and want us to remove certain toys and block certain tv shows. They also went so far as to say they don't want the boys playing toy soldiers because they pretend shoot. I have told them repeatedly that at our house that's not how we do it but at their house our son will respect their rules and limits. But they're being very pushy about it. I don't want our son to lose his friend but I also don't believe in changing my parenting style in my own home because of what someone else does. Any tips on dealing with this situation?
Some of their requests are very reasonable. If the child is at your home, then you have agreed to provide supervision. Sorry, but I don't think any reasonable person would say that letting two six year olds go to a park alone (even if you can see it - I'm sure you aren't standing there the whole time looking out the window) is adequate supervision. In fact, I'm fairly sure that if something happened and you told the police you weren't there, an arrest would be made. I would also agree that you should be in the yard if you can't see it from your house, especially if you are in an urban area or near a large street. If it's fenced in and you can see most of it, then I'd say it's reasonable to be within earshot. I don't know any parents who do otherwise.
On the other hand, I think being in the same room with the children is overkill at age 6. Again, I think that's probably the norm. I don't know anyone who does that.
The TV show request is getting a little pushy. Unless the shows are truly inappropriate - like, sex or really bad language or violence - then it's not reasonable. They will just have to deal with that. However, if you have Walking Dead or Game of Thrones or something on, that's just not appropriate and you should know that.
Finally, the toy soldiers thing is just way too pushy. I know lots of parents who don't approve of shooting toys, and glare daggers at my son's gigantic plastic weapons collection, but I think we all recognize that that's part of going to someone else's house. That's a personal choice, and we all do it differently.
Perhaps if you compromised on their more reasonable requests, they would back off on the not so reasonable ones, and your child could continue to have his friend.
I don't think it's fair for you to presume that your way of parenting is automatically the 'right' one and label the other parents as overly protective, which is what I'm reading from your post. Every family, kid AND parent are different, and parents have different levels of supervision they're comfortable with. I have a 6 yo, and I can see from experience how different kids are at this age, the maturity levels vary a lot; there are some, girls in particular, who are mature and responsible enough to be trusted with many things, and there are others who simply aren't. Some would consider me a helicopter parent because there are things I just don't trust my son to do on his own yet - but that's because I know him and who he is, a brilliant yet very distracted spacey kid who lives in his own world, and has been known to walk out in front of a moving car on a parking lot while doing math equations in his head. Not kidding. There are kids who can be trusted to walk over to a friend's house down the street alone at this age. He's not one of them. We talk and talk about this but he's just not there yet and I'm not willing to let him learn from his own experience via a tragic accident. He does play unsupervised in his playroom and jumps on the netted trampoline, but on playgrounds, for instance, I keep an eye on him on very high structures and will yell at him if I notice him being distracted or not careful. He already fell and hit his head at school at recess, thankfully equipment there isn't high, but falling from a 10 foot structure can end very very badly. I don't tell other parents what to do on playdates, but we have only done drop-off playdates with families that I know and trust the safety there. If I knew a family who was super free-range with supervision, I likely wouldn't trust him to go there.
On the topic of how different kids are, this actually reminded me. My youngest is one, and once I brought him over to a friend's house who has a baby girl a couple months younger. The girl was napping so the mom suggested that I can use her high chair while we had tea. I put him in and started looking around for the safety straps to buckle him in. Not finding any, I asked the mom, and she was like 'oh, I cut them all off. They were bothering her and she really doesn't need them, she's fine just sitting in it." My jaw just dropped. Because at about that baby's age, I once fastened my son in only around his lap, not over the shoulder straps, because we were rushing, and a minute later he's gotten himself out of it and was kneeling on the chair looking backwards and ready to fall out. Needless to say I didn't use the friend's high chair...
I don't think it's fair for you to presume that your way of parenting is automatically the 'right' one and label the other parents as overly protective, which is what I'm reading from your post. Every family, kid AND parent are different, and parents have different levels of supervision they're comfortable with. I have a 6 yo, and I can see from experience how different kids are at this age, the maturity levels vary a lot; there are some, girls in particular, who are mature and responsible enough to be trusted with many things, and there are others who simply aren't. Some would consider me a helicopter parent because there are things I just don't trust my son to do on his own yet - but that's because I know him and who he is, a brilliant yet very distracted spacey kid who lives in his own world, and has been known to walk out in front of a moving car on a parking lot while doing math equations in his head. Not kidding. There are kids who can be trusted to walk over to a friend's house down the street alone at this age. He's not one of them. We talk and talk about this but he's just not there yet and I'm not willing to let him learn from his own experience via a tragic accident. He does play unsupervised in his playroom and jumps on the netted trampoline, but on playgrounds, for instance, I keep an eye on him on very high structures and will yell at him if I notice him being distracted or not careful. He already fell and hit his head at school at recess, thankfully equipment there isn't high, but falling from a 10 foot structure can end very very badly. I don't tell other parents what to do on playdates, but we have only done drop-off playdates with families that I know and trust the safety there. If I knew a family who was super free-range with supervision, I likely wouldn't trust him to go there.
Couldnt have said it any better. Every child and every parent is different. I often get a sense here that anyone labelled as "helicopter" parent or all the different names of parenting different from what the specific writer is used to or practices is considered a bad parent and the children wont be able to handle adulthood..
For me, do what works for you and your family. Pretty simple. I wont let my children go play in the homes of parents that I dont agree with their parenting good or bad. And if my child really wants to be friends then we find an alternate location.
Some of their requests are very reasonable. If the child is at your home, then you have agreed to provide supervision. Sorry, but I don't think any reasonable person would say that letting two six year olds go to a park alone (even if you can see it - I'm sure you aren't standing there the whole time looking out the window) is adequate supervision. In fact, I'm fairly sure that if something happened and you told the police you weren't there, an arrest would be made. I would also agree that you should be in the yard if you can't see it from your house, especially if you are in an urban area or near a large street. If it's fenced in and you can see most of it, then I'd say it's reasonable to be within earshot. I don't know any parents who do otherwise.
On the other hand, I think being in the same room with the children is overkill at age 6. Again, I think that's probably the norm. I don't know anyone who does that.
The TV show request is getting a little pushy. Unless the shows are truly inappropriate - like, sex or really bad language or violence - then it's not reasonable. They will just have to deal with that. However, if you have Walking Dead or Game of Thrones or something on, that's just not appropriate and you should know that.
Finally, the toy soldiers thing is just way too pushy. I know lots of parents who don't approve of shooting toys, and glare daggers at my son's gigantic plastic weapons collection, but I think we all recognize that that's part of going to someone else's house. That's a personal choice, and we all do it differently.
Perhaps if you compromised on their more reasonable requests, they would back off on the not so reasonable ones, and your child could continue to have his friend.
Bold #1-Yes! I was more laissez-faire than a lot of other parents, and even I didn't let my kids go to the park alone at 6! They wouldn't have even wanted to do so. And I will point out, that when you have someone else's kid in your home sans parents, you are responsible for that child. Perhaps your child is perfectly safe going to the park alone, but if the friend doesn't do that regularly, he may not be safe. Plus, it's always prudent to be a little more vigilant with someone else's kid!
B#2-Yes, again. However, the same principle holds, that you should be more vigilant with someone else's kid, perhaps checking frequently. Two can get into more than twice as much mischief than one.
B#3-Well, I dunno. Some news shows can get pretty graphic. Again, while you (plural) can watch the news and explain it to your kid(s), you don't know what might upset someone else's kid. The same with some of these crazy daytime shows. I don't watch any of them, but when my daughter lived with us she did, and some take on some topics you may not want to have to explain to someone else's kid, e.g. "I'm Sixteen and Pregnant"; "I didn't know I was Pregnant"; "Dr. Phil", etc.
As I said, I never had to deal with the toy gun thing, my daughters never had more than water pistols. I definitely agree with your conclusion.
I grew up in the 70s and have raised my kids in a somewhat "free range" style. But NO WAY would I, or my parents, let a 6 year old walk to the park!
It's not even the stranger-danger concern, but the simple-how to cross the street that would worry me most.
Other than that, it sounds like their demands are a bit unreasonable. Can I assume they have only 1 child? How else are they always in the room with him?
If you want to maintain this friendship, then have your son play at their home or go with them to the park.
The main point is that this child is your child's best friend. He is not a 'play date' who's friendship has been arranged. From what I gather your son picked this child to be his best friend.
If this was random child who was convenient to play with then that isn't a problem. Find a new friend.
This child is your son's best friend that he made himself. That is what was implied.
That is totally different story. You have to support your son. That is his best friend. You don't get to choose that, he does.
You have to deal with the other parent. I would either have no playdates at my house without her present. She doesn't trust you. Or you could come up with a compromise and that would be no tv and no leaving the property. Supervising them playing inside every moment seems a bit much to me but no toy guns sounds like a reasonable call that she can make about her son. If you can't compromise then don't have him come to your house but that means you would have to make other arrangements. You are never going to agree with this woman no matter how you decide to handle it. I would try to limit contact once negotiations have been made.
The kids will grow and mom will loosen up or they will stop being friends. This is temporary.
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