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Unfortunately it just seems like you are left hoping time will heal some of the wounds. It is sad that she didn't mind "using" you while you could to watch the baby.
Have you had a heart-to-heart on the whole ordeal? Have you apologized for your side of the issues? If you have done all you can, there isn't much more you can do. Seems your daughter may have some growing up to do.
It seems she inherited many character traits from her father. There's nothing you can do except enjoy and be grateful for the other daughters. If the father begins to treat the other daughter as he treated you, possibly she will gain understanding at some point. I don't blame you for the affair at all and I hope you find happiness now and don't let the angry daughter drag you down like her father did.
I disagree. You are being ridiculously hard on yourself. Being loved and cared about is a basic need, and you are not being selfish to want that.
I think it is better for all concerned to have an affair and not break up a family than to be miserable and unloved. In this case the family did break up but that is in the past and the only thing you can do is to try to continue to communicate with your daughter in the hope that something will change.
Just my 2 cents. But I am surprised at the moralistic direction this thread took. Live and let live, for goodness' sake.
I totally agree with you. Life is messy and unpredictable and often very inconvenient. It's also very short, and we sometimes make decisions without the benefit of hindsight. The OP seems very sad and apologetic and came here for advice, not Puritanical finger-wagging and projection of anger for her mistakes. The Internet just seems to really bring out the inner a-hole in some people.
OP, live every day to the fullest, and don't spend what's left of it looking back at unhappiness. Keep the door open for your daughter and let her know that you are always there for her, then get to living and be well. She will hopefully thaw with time. I wish you good luck.
For what it's worth, it probably won't do you much good to seek advice in a public forum; you're more likely to get more judgemental snippiness than understanding on this issue. Infidelity is seen as an intolerable act worthy of a life in shambles by some people's standards.
I don't believe adults are responsible for the happiness of other adults. And, there's no telling if the daughter would have reacted any better if the affair started after the divorce. That's the route my friend took, divorcing her alcoholic, abusive husband before dating again, and her own daughter still thinks the sun revolves around her father, and her mother is at fault. Meanwhile, the father remarried and divorced again after being arrested for domestic abuse. His daughter is still his biggest fan, while keeping the grandchild from her mother.
I'm glad you're happy OP. I think you did your best for a man who failed to appreciate it. Concentrate on your new marriage, and your other children. You can't make your daughter see the light when she's choosing to live in her father's shadow.
It's not harsh. It's reality and she needs to take responsibility for what she chose to do.
While the affair didn't cause the daughter to make bad choices, the daughter has every right to hate the mom for having the affair. All of the ancillary stuff doesn't negate the fact that the OP should have divorced the husband first (which the OP admitted). The daughter might have still hated the OP if she had divorced her husband, but at least the OP could know that she had done things the right way.
Also, women sure seem to have a lot of tolerance with cheating women as opposed to cheating men.
It all comes down to the chicken or the egg. She had an affair ( the chicken ) and then laid an egg ( the divorce). She then chose to roost in the hen house with her new rooster.
Yes there is going to be smoke screening (daughter) didn't get the home she desired. And what does this have to do with mom / daughter relationship? Everything.. The daughter sees a home as security.. Something her mom took away in her eyes when mamma digressed into an affair. You don't have to judge to know that no matter the age.. We each wish for security in life. The daughter is once again reminded what took that away the first time.
This justifying the new life choice is yet more salt on the wound.
As adults ( not only parents) we sometimes need to face our actions and make amends to those affected. Thru actions and kind words.. Things can improve.. Walk in this young gals shoes.. Instead of whisling Dixie on how you got the home thru a divorce brought about by a tryst. ( chicken & egg)
what did you cheat on??? the marriage was over years ago!!
you took care of this person for 16 yrs??? that is a saint,,,, that wasn't in the vows (yeah I know for better or worse) however,,if a man stops being a husband,,,then he breaks the marriage
and that can be done many ways,,,from earning, to respecting, to helping, to comforting, to thankfulness
you worked two jobs,,,to hold the family together??? while sacrificing any life you had??? you worked two jobs....for a husband,,,that wasn't working or contributing,,,,and you alone provided for your daughters...
then ....when it was your turn,,,to have a little comfort and closeness for yourself.......you are being called a cheater????
I'm sorry your marriage was over years ago,,,you turned into a caretaker for an adult man...
again,,,what did you cheat on????????
if I am your husband...I thank the stars every night that you are taking care of me and our daughters and try to help and care for you any chance I get
now your daughters have turned on you???
if it were me...... I would have a straight talk with each daughter separately,,,be strong be assertive..
"i gave my life for that man, who gave very little in return" for 16 long and lonely yrs I compromised and sacrificed my life for him and you two girls...
I took a little time to myself,,,and now I'm being attacked,,, by the same people I cared for and supported???
I can think of a number of instances where in fact it did turn out well.
Infidelity isn't the end of the world, particularly when it's in connection with an abusive home situation where one partner won't even make the effort to participate in the marriage.
There's not a single excuse you can give that will make this better. If you were that unhappy, you should have told your husband and divorced him. Period.
Then you took the house from him, even though you have a job and could pay for another one, so now your ex has to live with his daughter because he can't afford it on his own. So now her life has been impacted by your affair.
And yet the only thing you can think of to do is bad-mouth your daughter?
Now wonder she wants nothing to do with you.
So working 2 jobs for 18 years while he sat home counts for nothing? She probably put more into the house than he did.
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