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He lives with you and comes in at all hours? That's messed up. I feel your pain. He's not being very considerate. Can't he stay over at a friends if he's out passed.... midnight?
But to answer your question, you can't. I suggest prayer. Just to settle your heart and to protect him.
Thanks for all the responses. I have always been mostly laid back, no news is good news kinda person but lately I seem to worry more about a bunch of things. My brother has two grown children but, they are both married with kids so they have each other looking out for the other. If the case was the same for my son I would probably be more relaxed.
Why must your son's life be as you "dream" it to be. He is sovereign being. His life is his, not yours.
What are you trying to control and why? What does it mean to you for him to have a family?
If your son is okay with his life, what does it mean to you? What are you afraid of?
I'm not sure how big of a deal this is. This is different, IMO, than someone who works 8-5 M-F going out 4 days/week. When he gets off work at 11, he probably needs time to wind down. Going out from 11pm-4am for him is similar to someone else going out for happy hour at 5 and staying out until 10pm.
It's a bit much for me. I go to bed early and would rather be at home these days. But I don't think this sounds like what your first described.
I can't believe I never thought of it in that context. Thanks
He lives with you and comes in at all hours? That's messed up. I feel your pain. He's not being very considerate. Can't he stay over at a friends if he's out passed.... midnight?
But to answer your question, you can't. I suggest prayer. Just to settle your heart and to protect him.
Some nights he does stay at friends. I am semi retired so coming in after midnight is usually not a problem since I am usually up till 1 or 2 am myself, plus he has a separate entrance so coming in after I go to bed is also not to big a problem. I don't really consider myself to be a religious person but I do find myself praying more. Sometimes it calms me a bit.
I missed it, if he is living with you, you are welcome to have a curfew at home. Even for adults. Once he does move back out, you wont have to know so you don't have to worry.
I always thought that curfews on adults living in a home with you is a bit overcontrolling. Unless he is making noise when he comes home and waking you up, or comes home sloppy drunk throwing up and not cleaning up after himself -- why does Mom and Dad get to control when he has to be home? It seems to me to be a continuing effort at parental control where none exists. "Look! I can still make the rules!"
Why? What does that prove?
This is the OP's problem, as they have accurately identified. Why does their adult child have to cater to unfounded fears as some sort of odd "payment" for living at home? If the son was renting a room in a landlord's house, would the landlord have the right to say, "Be in your room by 1 am, young man, or else!" No, of course not.
I was concerned about his bar hoping until you added the important information about his shift. That changes everything. Where is a healthy, single young man going to go to decompress after work when he gets off at 11 p.m?????
Bars are the only place open at that time. He surely doesn't want to come home every single night. His sleep schedule is around his work schedule so I understand it very well.
Also he has spent some important years with one woman and she was high maintenance. Now he is single and exploring what he thinks he may have missed.
Don't you understand that? BTW unless his buddy has the same work schedule that living arrangement will not work out so keep his room ready.
The most recent generations marry much later in life. Additionally, the culture for these generations has been one of a perpetual spring break lifestyle that is connected with alcohol consumption. While even some of the older generations had their functional, productive alcoholics, many were pushed by society values to "grow up" and/or "settle down" once they hit a certain age. This isn't so for the younger crowds (40s and younger). If they aren't tied down, they are out and about. I've even seen some in their 50s deciding they also don't want to do the historical grandma and grandpa lifestyle and they are hitting the bars and such once the kids are grown and gone. I wasn't much of party type in my youth, and my wife was even less so, but with that being said, if I was single again, I would likely dive into the social drinking lifestyle.
If it bothers one that their live-in son and daughter is coming in late, it is perfectly acceptable to ask them to move out and get their own place. My mom told my very socially active brother that it was time for him to move on because he was doing the same thing as the OPs son. He was only early 20s, but had a full-time job and was on his way to getting a really good degree, so it wasn't an issue. He understood and got a place with a friend or two.
I am guessing you even know about all your son's late nights and (to you) questionable activities because he is still living at home. The best answer for you is probably to help him get that apartment as soon as possible so at least you won't have to know he is coming home at 3 a.m.
To a parent, a child will always be a child to some degree. But, you have to trust that all those years you spent teaching your child to look both ways before they crossed the street, have some lasting effect. You can't hold their hand any more to ensure they don't make mistakes. Let go and let God. Hard to do I know but for your own sanity and long term relationship with your son .. you must.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga
I always thought that curfews on adults living in a home with you is a bit overcontrolling. Unless he is making noise when he comes home and waking you up, or comes home sloppy drunk throwing up and not cleaning up after himself -- why does Mom and Dad get to control when he has to be home? It seems to me to be a continuing effort at parental control where none exists. "Look! I can still make the rules!"
Why? What does that prove?
This is the OP's problem, as they have accurately identified. Why does their adult child have to cater to unfounded fears as some sort of odd "payment" for living at home? If the son was renting a room in a landlord's house, would the landlord have the right to say, "Be in your room by 1 am, young man, or else!" No, of course not.
I agree with you. It isn't as this is a failure to launch situation. He is employed FT and probably has a designated driver or mechanism to get home. I know parents will always worry but I don't see a founded cause for too much concern here, certainly not one where a curfew is necessary.
I always thought that curfews on adults living in a home with you is a bit overcontrolling. Unless he is making noise when he comes home and waking you up, or comes home sloppy drunk throwing up and not cleaning up after himself -- why does Mom and Dad get to control when he has to be home? It seems to me to be a continuing effort at parental control where none exists. "Look! I can still make the rules!"
Why? What does that prove?
This is the OP's problem, as they have accurately identified. Why does their adult child have to cater to unfounded fears as some sort of odd "payment" for living at home? If the son was renting a room in a landlord's house, would the landlord have the right to say, "Be in your room by 1 am, young man, or else!" No, of course not.
I don't think its over controlling at all. They are free to stay out the night. But if you are a light sleeper, like me, you don't sleep well when people come in at 3am. You feel on edge waiting for them to come in, then wake when you hear them. Then there is dealing with the alarm. Do you leave it off, arm it?
If the owners of a home have a lifestyle where lights are always out by 10pm, having someone who is a night owl very much upsets the zen and flow of the house. The comfort and wellbeing of the people in the home come before the fun of the party animal.
So the party animal can choose to stay at a friend's house
move out on their own
come home at an hour that is keeping with the activity of the household
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