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Though I agree with everyone else on here saying he needs to get a job or get out, I immediately thought of something different. Do you think he may be depressed? Not just unmotivated, but clinically depressed? Especially if this came out of nowhere. Just something to think about. But yes, if he's just lazy you have to kick him out. Seriously, he'll thank you for it later.
I was thinking along the same lines. Does he have any health problems or disabilites that would prevent him from finishing school or going to work each day? If he has no problems someone has already given him permission to quit school and sit around the house. Is he smoking pot? That drug can make kids lazy and noncaring.
Set a date for him to be out of the house, or start paying rent, and be firm and follow through. Get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting for lots of helpful practical kind support from people who have successfully gone through exactly what you are doing. It is a high act of love. By allowing him the dignity to live his own life, you are saying to him "I trust you have the skills to make your life work for you, I know you can do it, go for it."
Because it goes from bad to worse if you don't and when he's 35 still at home with no life skills to make it on his own, he's much more disabled literally crippled, and you're going to be much more upset yourself. You can't do it for him. You help him by letting him get out on his own and do life.
My 18 year year old quit school and is to lazy to find a job. He stays up until all hours of the night, sleeps half the day, and will not do his chores in a timely fashion. We have given the usual ultimatums, but to no avail. We told him that starting today, things are going to change. No one can come over, no going out, no computer....until he has started showing some motivation, responsibility, and finds a job. Can anyone me help with suggestions or relevant experiences? Any help will be greatly appreciated.
As I said in another post, don't cripple your children by making their lives easy. Your son is a self-centered leech, and he didn't get that way overnight.
In your post, you say it yourself: "We have given the usual ultimatums." That implies that you give ultimata and then don't live up to them. My experience as a parent of three is that one ultimatum, swiftly followed up on, is all you need. That being said, following through on just one of your ultimata would be an excellent start, because he currently doesn't respect you.
What this means is that you're going to have to cram 18 years of parenting into the next week or so. Padlock the refrigerator. Take away the computer. Frog-march the guy down to McDonalds. Present him with a bill for his share of the household expenses and ask him how the heck he's going to pay for it.
So, here's my prescriptive for it.
-- He sleeps all day? That means you allow him to sleep all day. Go to the local music store and buy a pair of marching band cymbals. At 7:30 in the morning, crash them together. Wait ten more minutes and do it again. Because, unless it's the weekend or he's working the night shift, no worthwhile person sleeps past eight in the morning.
-- I'm betting that he has a car. I'm also betting that you hold the title on it. Good. That means you have leverage. Present him with a bill for what his share of the expenses are. Ask him how he intends to chip in. Tell him that if he doesn't get a job PDQ, you'll sell the car to pay his expenses. Because if he's not responsible enough to find gainful employment, then he's certainly not responsible enough to drive a one-ton piece of metal down the road.
-- Search his room for drugs. If he lives in your house, it's your rules. He has no right to privacy, probably the most overrated concept in the history of parenting. A change in behavior over time is the #1 indicator of drug use. If he's using, then drive his happy youknowwhat to the nearest rehab facility.
-- No computer. A fine, fine start. I would eliminate television as well. In fact, I would cancel your cable subscription as well. Because the less there is for him to do around the house, the more he will chafe at his boring life.
-- No excuses. Hand him the morning paper, turned to the classifieds, and say "Start looking." McDonald's is always hiring. Lawn care services are always hiring. Newspapers are always looking for carriers. Feed him a nice, hearty breakfast, and thrust him out into the world with five dollars for lunch. Wait for him to return and ask if he's found a job yet. If he hasn't, repeat.
In short, time to get tough. And I mean really, really tough. His fate as a man depends on it. And your future happiness as a parent does as well.
As I said in another post, don't cripple your children by making their lives easy. Your son is a self-centered leech, and he didn't get that way overnight.
In your post, you say it yourself: "We have given the usual ultimatums." That implies that you give ultimata and then don't live up to them. My experience as a parent of three is that one ultimatum, swiftly followed up on, is all you need. That being said, following through on just one of your ultimata would be an excellent start, because he currently doesn't respect you.
What this means is that you're going to have to cram 18 years of parenting into the next week or so. Padlock the refrigerator. Take away the computer. Frog-march the guy down to McDonalds. Present him with a bill for his share of the household expenses and ask him how the heck he's going to pay for it.
So, here's my prescriptive for it.
-- He sleeps all day? That means you allow him to sleep all day. Go to the local music store and buy a pair of marching band cymbals. At 7:30 in the morning, crash them together. Wait ten more minutes and do it again. Because, unless it's the weekend or he's working the night shift, no worthwhile person sleeps past eight in the morning.
-- I'm betting that he has a car. I'm also betting that you hold the title on it. Good. That means you have leverage. Present him with a bill for what his share of the expenses are. Ask him how he intends to chip in. Tell him that if he doesn't get a job PDQ, you'll sell the car to pay his expenses. Because if he's not responsible enough to find gainful employment, then he's certainly not responsible enough to drive a one-ton piece of metal down the road.
-- Search his room for drugs. If he lives in your house, it's your rules. He has no right to privacy, probably the most overrated concept in the history of parenting. A change in behavior over time is the #1 indicator of drug use. If he's using, then drive his happy youknowwhat to the nearest rehab facility.
-- No computer. A fine, fine start. I would eliminate television as well. In fact, I would cancel your cable subscription as well. Because the less there is for him to do around the house, the more he will chafe at his boring life.
-- No excuses. Hand him the morning paper, turned to the classifieds, and say "Start looking." McDonald's is always hiring. Lawn care services are always hiring. Newspapers are always looking for carriers. Feed him a nice, hearty breakfast, and thrust him out into the world with five dollars for lunch. Wait for him to return and ask if he's found a job yet. If he hasn't, repeat.
In short, time to get tough. And I mean really, really tough. His fate as a man depends on it. And your future happiness as a parent does as well.
Yes, I know your approach to parenting: Bring him breakfast in bed sometime around 11 a.m.. Gently nudge him forward in life. Try to understand him and not give him any negative experiences. If he falls on his face, give him a couple of weeks before helping him to try again.
Unfortunately, that's not how the world works. And enabling is a feel-good dead end. This is not a child. This is an adult. One who somehow made it through the first 18 years of his life without any sense of responsibility for himself or his parents--and that's the parent's fault.
Love isn't about coddling your children and giving out hugs on an hourly basis. It's about preparing them for life, and pushing them out of the nest. Yes, you love them unconditionally. But it's more important that you have the basic backbone to do unpopular things. That means holding their feet to the fire when they aren't fulfilling their obligations to the family and to themselves. Your child can love you when he's 30. If he doesn't like you from time to time when he's 18, then you're probably doing something right.
Right now, even as you read this, there are 18-year-olds who work in factories. There are 18-year-olds who wake themselves, get dressed, and go to their college classes. There are 18-year-olds who are patrolling the streets of Baghdad and making life-and-death decisions every minute. There are 18-year-olds who are out in the world making a living.
None of those 18-year-olds got there by having a parent make excuses for them. They all had parents who expected responsibility of their children from the time they were a year old.
Yes that was my parents exact approach to parenting. Obviously the only way to effectively communicate with children is to call them names & let them know ASAP how harsh the world is by replicating that environment at home.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
Excuse me. Do you even raise children?
Yes, I know your approach to parenting: Bring him breakfast in bed sometime around 11 a.m.. Gently nudge him forward in life. Try to understand him and not give him any negative experiences. If he falls on his face, give him a couple of weeks before helping him to try again.
Unfortunately, that's not how the world works. And enabling is a feel-good dead end. This is not a child. This is an adult. One who somehow made it through the first 18 years of his life without any sense of responsibility for himself or his parents--and that's the parent's fault.
Love isn't about coddling your children and giving out hugs on an hourly basis. It's about preparing them for life, and pushing them out of the nest. Yes, you love them unconditionally. But it's more important that you have the basic backbone to do unpopular things. That means holding their feet to the fire when they aren't fulfilling their obligations to the family and to themselves. Your child can love you when he's 30. If he doesn't like you from time to time when he's 18, then you're probably doing something right.
Right now, even as you read this, there are 18-year-olds who work in factories. There are 18-year-olds who wake themselves, get dressed, and go to their college classes. There are 18-year-olds who are patrolling the streets of Baghdad and making life-and-death decisions every minute. There are 18-year-olds who are out in the world making a living.
None of those 18-year-olds got there by having a parent make excuses for them. They all had parents who expected responsibility of their children from the time they were a year old.
Yes that was my parents exact approach to parenting. Obviously the only way to effectively communicate with children is to call them names & let them know ASAP how harsh the world is by replicating that environment at home.
Who calls them names? We have a loving household. But there is an enormous gulf between loving your children and coddling them. The nightmare that was this thread's original post is the direct result of having zero expectations for your kids in life. Trust me, I've seen way too many people in life whose parents acted as their maids, their cooks, their administrative assistants, and their lawyers whenever there was a problem in school. Yet, when the kids reach 18 and don't have the basic wherewithal to get up out of bed in the morning and find gainful employment, they scratch their collective heads and wonder what the heck happened. What's more, those kids wind up being basketcases in life, permanent anchors on the lives of the parents, misery for their prospective spouses, and unemployable in the marketplace.
The concept that massive amounts of parents are coddling their children & expending all of this effort to do everything for them as some sort of heroic act is just a myth perpetrated by people who want an excuse to treat their children harshly. It is much more likely in today's world that parents are neglecting their children or acting callously towards them creating angry, alienated adults with psychological problems that my tax dollars have to now support.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
Who calls them names? We have a loving household. But there is an enormous gulf between loving your children and coddling them. The nightmare that was this thread's original post is the direct result of having zero expectations for your kids in life. Trust me, I've seen way too many people in life whose parents acted as their maids, their cooks, their administrative assistants, and their lawyers whenever there was a problem in school. Yet, when the kids reach 18 and don't have the basic wherewithal to get up out of bed in the morning and find gainful employment, they scratch their collective heads and wonder what the heck happened. What's more, those kids wind up being basketcases in life, permanent anchors on the lives of the parents, misery for their prospective spouses, and unemployable in the marketplace.
The concept that massive amounts of parents are coddling their children & expending all of this effort to do everything for them as some sort of heroic act is just a myth perpetrated by people who want an excuse to treat their children harshly. It is much more likely in today's world that parents are neglecting their children or acting callously towards them creating angry, alienated adults with psychological problems that my tax dollars have to now support.
I don't think you have a clue about parenting. You certainly haven't seen the same kids I've seen grow up over the years in the families of our friends and relatives. The kind where, even at the age of four, you know that child is a train wreck in the making--one that, when it happens, you feel terrible that it did.
I've seen parents give their children every item advertised on Cartoon Network. I've seen parents do all the chores in the household, yielding up the same tired excuses of "Well, it would take them longer to do it than I would" or "He's just too busy with school activities." I've seen parents excuse temper tantrums. I've seen parents take the kid's side whenever there's trouble at school or the kid didn't make the cut on the school team or the cheerleading squad. I've seen parents knuckle under to every excuse in the book, under the mistaken belief that a parent is supposed to be the child's friend. Almost without exception, those same parents have reaped sorrow and frustration when their children reached adulthood.
Well, the parent isn't the child's friend. The parent is the parent. Not an equal, not an advocate, not a buddy, but a teacher of life. It doesn't mean you stint on hugs. It doesn't mean you're abusive. But it does mean that you prepare the child for the real world. And all the Dr. Spock nonsense that seems to rattle around in your head isn't going to do any of that.
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