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Old 10-27-2016, 06:04 AM
 
16,235 posts, read 25,147,660 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrwumpus View Post
Sometimes between working and paying bills I wonder just how meaningful I am to my children. But then I will get a golden moment where it is clear I mattered to them a great deal. At those moments I realize I am writing important pages in their history that will help define them long after I am gone.
See, it is those moments that you will remember always, and that show that you are doing your job very well.

Just be yourself, keep your word, and show them lots of love and support, be consistent. Kids need to know that they can count on their parents.
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Old 10-27-2016, 08:44 AM
 
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I have to work on being a better husband now so I can model being a better man.
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Old 10-27-2016, 10:24 AM
 
5,462 posts, read 3,020,941 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrwumpus View Post
I never had sisters or even female cousins. Just brothers. Then one day I got married and had children. I expected boys for some reason, but we had girls.

Boys I understand. Girls, not so much. My friend who had daughters told me that my world would slowly shrink away under a garden of girlishness until even the bathroom was overgrown. He was right.

One of my daughters is already a teenager so I understand that stage a bit. I thought I was doing pretty good for a few years, but as they grow older I feel less competent at fatherhood. I suspect I have just never quite learned to speak "girl" and I keep trying to speak "boy" with them.

Do any grown up daughters care to chime in and maybe help improve a life with some well-worn advice?

Or maybe you can tell me what not to do or be, which could be just as helpful.

Thanks!

Spend time with them and care for them.
Treat your wife well.
Your actions should make them differentiate who is good and who is bad.
Support them instead of criticising.
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Old 10-27-2016, 11:06 AM
 
Location: Aloverton
6,560 posts, read 14,427,731 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrwumpus View Post
One thing I have noticed is if I am patient and just pay attention to them and not lecture, they spontaneously start sharing what's important to them. That seems to bring the most meaningful communication.
Looks to me like you've got the battle half won. That's good dadding, right there.

If you look around Facebook, you'll see an interesting phenomenon in adult women you know: affirming memes. Some are of the "I embrace the b-word" sort. Others are the "My pain made me who I am" kind. Still others are "My stretch marks are tiger stripes." Stop and think: why do they do this? If these were accepted truths, they wouldn't need to repeat them to themselves and each other. They do this because society does not provide such affirmations naturally. It's how they keep going through all the adversity and crap that get dumped on women. Lower pay, catcalls, discrimination, sexual pressure and much worse, judgment on looks, being told they can't play this or can't achieve that, fashion mags full of images they can never be and marketing of ways to cover up their true looks, etc. All of it is a put-down. That's the world women grow up in, and if you have empathy for it, you've taken the first step.

Now apply that to your daughters, who are growing up in that world. What if you were the one who provided those affirmations before they were even adults? In some cases, it can mean more coming from a man simply because it is less expected. Any time they seem to have doubts and fears, I think that's your moment to provide your own affirmations from the heart. I doubt they will ever forget those. They may not need to pass memes around when they are thirtysomethings with stretch marks. They may never take any crap from anyone, even from the accumulated mass of society.

It's my view that one of uncles' and fathers' jobs toward nieces and daughters is to model for them masculinity in its most positive ways. Later in life, this will help some of them know decent men from scum beings. (Not all. My wife's father was a fine man, but her first husband was a lowlife. Works more often than not, though.) By treating their mother well, you teach them how men should treat them.

One of my most enjoyable moments as an uncle was at Christmas helping my niece put together her Barbie veterinary set. I could have just done it for her, but that's no good. What made sense was to walk her through the instructions, so that she mostly did it herself. I don't want her to need a boyfriend to get her new computer desk assembled. Another enjoyable uncle moment was when my nieces came to visit. They live in a place without much mass transit, much less light rail. As I took the elder niece to a bookstore that is one of our town's flagship attractions, I explained how the light rail worked: how to read the map, where we were and where we were going, how to buy a ticket, etc. We had a great trip. Next day, the girls were out and about with my wife and she needed to return, but they had someplace else they wanted to see. My wife offered to show them the light rail. "Don't worry, Auntie, I got this," said the elder niece. When I heard about it, I swelled with pride at her confidence and independence. They spent their whole visit toodling about a city of nearly three million this way, adventuring, shopping, experiencing, being smart and safe. That's what we adult men are there to do for the girls in our families: show them how to earn/build self-confidence through achievement and independence.

The rest of society isn't going to step up. It's on us.

The more we help girls and women to develop their own reasons to feel confident, strong, and independent, the more they associate with us not because they need us, but because they want to be around us out of love, trust, and respect. As long as there is a gender imbalance, this will be one of the best ways to be manly.
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Old 10-27-2016, 12:17 PM
 
Location: City Data Land
17,156 posts, read 12,912,897 times
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Don't abandon them. An imperfect father is better than none at all. I know, as do many other adult kids of absent parents.
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Old 10-27-2016, 02:20 PM
 
Location: Chicago
306 posts, read 363,603 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by j_k_k View Post
That's what we adult men are there to do for the girls in our families: show them how to earn/build self-confidence through achievement and independence.
Yes! If I ever have kids (boys or girls), I want to teach them not to base their self-worth on what other people think of them.
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Old 10-27-2016, 02:51 PM
 
16,825 posts, read 17,684,540 times
Reputation: 20851
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrwumpus View Post
I never had sisters or even female cousins. Just brothers. Then one day I got married and had children. I expected boys for some reason, but we had girls.

Boys I understand. Girls, not so much. My friend who had daughters told me that my world would slowly shrink away under a garden of girlishness until even the bathroom was overgrown. He was right.

One of my daughters is already a teenager so I understand that stage a bit. I thought I was doing pretty good for a few years, but as they grow older I feel less competent at fatherhood. I suspect I have just never quite learned to speak "girl" and I keep trying to speak "boy" with them.

Do any grown up daughters care to chime in and maybe help improve a life with some well-worn advice?

Or maybe you can tell me what not to do or be, which could be just as helpful.

Thanks!
Girls are not a different species. They are people, speak to them like people. This notion of boy vs girl speak is bad for everyone including boys.

Share your interests with them, invite them to share theirs. Always model behavior that they are valuable as people first and not because they are feminine or girly.
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Old 10-27-2016, 04:51 PM
 
2,956 posts, read 2,333,635 times
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Men can be emotionally constipated to begin with and getting them around girls, can make some of them feel weird. Especially in a close relationship. That shouldn't be the case. You aren't a weirdo because you're close with your daughter. Don't ignore them over your hangups. Other guys will thank you for the daddy issues but it isn't good for her.

Start young. Don't be hands off. Spend time with her, listen to her, love her. Date her. Show here the way she should be treated through your actions and spending time with her.

Take time to do things she likes, take time to show her things you like. Broaden both of your horizons. Don't treat her like a girl, treat her like an equal, someone with a brain and teach her the joys and pitfalls of everything.
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Old 10-27-2016, 09:31 PM
 
Location: Southern MN
11,987 posts, read 8,320,397 times
Reputation: 44618
When I was little he'd hold me in his lap at night and tell me fairy tales. He made up his own versions of them and to me they were clever and funny.


We both played the piano and many evenings after supper we'd play duets together. If you are musical you probably know that there is something about making music with another person that makes you feel very close. Singing works just as well.


All my life my dad used to take me out to lunch. And he'd pick someplace special. I just loved those afternoons lunching with Dad.


I had a son who would hardly ever talk around the house. As a mother I found that taking him for a ride in the car or taking him out to his favorite restaurants was the best way to have him open up. We needed to get away from the routine of the house and its distractions for him to start to talk.
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Old 10-27-2016, 11:17 PM
 
2,547 posts, read 4,219,271 times
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As a super-girly, not a tomboy bone in her body mom of two boys, I'm struggling with the same problem. They're still very young but even with my oldest, who is 6, I'm finding he's slipping away more and more over to his dad, away from all the sweet fun activities we used to do when he was a toddler or preschooler, and the two of them have so much more in common now. I try, but I kind of feel like we're from different planets sometimes. I've always longed for a daughter to be a friend, and like you, I've never understood 'boys' or 'boy speak' (or lack thereof, actually).

It's not PC to say and people will argue it's not about gender, but I disagree. I think that the opposite-sex parent can try to be the best parent they can...but when they're grown, it comes down to shared interests. Case in point: I was a complete daddy's girl growing up, in fact closer to my dad than my mom..and so was my sister. But now, when we get together as families, our relationship with our dad is limited to hugs and a few exchanged words, and then what tends to happen is me, my sister and my mom sit together and talk endlessly about everything..or watch a girly movie or cook, chat, laugh..and my dad will either drink beers with my husband or sit at the computer or watch an action movie on his own. There's just not that much to talk about once we've exchanged basic updates, and this seems to be a 'men' thing; while among us women, we *always* find something to talk about. My dad is the only male in his family, and he ends up sort of left out, in spite of being such a great, hands-on dad when we were growing up; We all still absolutely love and adore him, but we don't socialize much. And it makes me really sad that when my sons are grown, *I* will likely be the one getting left out, with the rest of the family not interested in the things I'm interested in, and vice versa. Not to rain on your parade, OP, just sharing.
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