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Thanks for all the replies. To address the dinner comment - no we do not force feed our son. But he has gotten into a habit lately of just taking a little bite of dinner and then going straight for 3-4 snacks after.. he clearly is still hungry so we asked him to eat more real food before he can have a snack. We do not make him eat when he is not hungry or when he is full, but the fact he has room for 3-4 snacks gives us the impression he isnt fool, just wants to eat junk instead..
Grandma does not cook or clean for us - we do that ourselves (although she tried, we told her we dont need or want her to do that). She makes food for our son when she's with him (mostly after he gets home from school and sometimes breakfast if we are running late). She insists on caring for him between the hours of when school is over and we get home (about 2 hrs) during the week days and thinks it would be near child abuse if we sent him to afterschool care/got babysitter instead of allowing her to spend time with him. Im not sure what she would do if we actually got a babysitter - she probably would still care for him and just let the sitter sit on the couch and watch tv She doesnt have any family here aside from us, no friends near by, husband abandoned her and she does not work (and doesnt want to..) so she clings to her grandson - aside form me and my husband, he is mostly her only interaction socially. And our son loves his grandma and overall we dont think shes a bad person or trying to ruin him (she does great arts and crafts with him!) but theres a clear conflict esp. when we are all home and she interrupts our parenting, etc. I mentioned to my husband that maybe she should go back to work, if even part time so she has some sort of life outside us/the home but she doesnt want to. She's fairly young (under 60) and in good health so I dont understand i but I cant force the woman..
And I get that most grandparents spoil their kid s- my parenst do the same.. but they usually dont see them daily which makes it OK. Having it be on a daily basis, we're seeing the change sin our son unfortunately..
She's family, we dont want to hurt her feelings (and her feelings get hurt very easily..) and appreciate her help but this is added stress thats starting to weigh on us.. What to do? Do we just let it slide and adopt a more carefree attitude? I am afraid to do that because I feel it will affect my son negatively - I dont wnat im to grow up to be a spoiled, entitled brat that thinks he is the cente rof the universe.
You're not going to be able to change grandma. Far easier to change the external situation: you can put him in after school program or after school daycare, at least a few days a week; make sure "house rules" are simple, clear and known by everyone in the household; explicitly state expectations in advance (and consequences) follow through; and finally, change the living situation.
As others said, what's the long term plan for underfoot, under-60 granny?
And, I don't want to harp on this, but look at your own parenting philosophy and see if any adjustment is warranted. Punishing a child for not finishing dinner *IS* force feeding him. Withholding a favorite nightly game isn't an appropriate response to an action that doesn't deserve a punishment. Withholding snacks is an appropriate consequence. "Sorry, little Jaxdyon, if you're still hungry, you're dinner is still on the table/in the fridge/can be re-heated/you can have a banana/plan what you'd like for breakfast..."
Who is buying the snacks for the kid- you or Grandma? If there are no 'snacks' in the house, he won't be able to eat them before bedtime.
Your husband needs to sit his mother down and tell her that although you all love her, you two are the child's parents and your rules over ride hers. She should not be going against your decisions; she backs you up or says ask your parents. If she can not do that, then you'll have to make other arrangements for your child.
Grandma needs another social outlet besides caring for her grandchild-going back to work, volunteering or something else. Both your child and his grandmother need to start making friends.
Are you supporting her? If so, you'll need to sit down and plan out the next few years and see if you can continue this.
Who is buying the snacks for the kid- you or Grandma? If there are no 'snacks' in the house, he won't be able to eat them before bedtime.
Your husband needs to sit his mother down and tell her that although you all love her, you two are the child's parents and your rules over ride hers. She should not be going against your decisions; she backs you up or says ask your parents. If she can not do that, then you'll have to make other arrangements for your child.
Grandma needs another social outlet besides caring for her grandchild-going back to work, volunteering or something else. Both your child and his grandmother need to start making friends.
Are you supporting her? If so, you'll need to sit down and plan out the next few years and see if you can continue this.
Good points.
Since Grandma is only in her 50s, you really have to figure out what will happen in the long run. Heck, she could easily end up living with you, and interfering with your parenting until your grandchild is 5 years old! Maybe, even your great-grandchild is 5 years old (if they marry young & Grandma lives a long time).
We only raised 5 kids, so we are most assuredly not "experts"!
Our rule for the kids, and now the grandkids, for meals was "If we serve you, you don't have to eat it all. If you serve yourself, you MUST eat it!"
"After dinner snacks"?? NO, if you are still hungry, you should have eaten more dinner!
As for gramma, find something for her to do. The local senior center likely needs volunteers, and may even have paid positions. Thrift stores (Goodwill, St. Vincent DePaul, etc.) might need help. Hospitals are often looking for volunteers. I bet there are lots of places in your locality where she can be given something to do.
If all else fails, find her an apartment to live in so she is separate from your family It is obvious to me that the current situation can not be allowed to continue.
Good luck.
Who is buying the snacks for the kid- you or Grandma? If there are no 'snacks' in the house, he won't be able to eat them before bedtime.
Your husband needs to sit his mother down and tell her that although you all love her, you two are the child's parents and your rules over ride hers. She should not be going against your decisions; she backs you up or says ask your parents. If she can not do that, then you'll have to make other arrangements for your child.
Grandma needs another social outlet besides caring for her grandchild-going back to work, volunteering or something else. Both your child and his grandmother need to start making friends.
Are you supporting her? If so, you'll need to sit down and plan out the next few years and see if you can continue this.
OP, your husband and you both should have a quiet talk with his mother. Tell her to put herself in your shoes, would she have wanted someone telling her how she should have raised your husband? Thank her but let her know that you are raising your son the way you both think is best and you need her to respect that.
I wouldn't let your son have any snacks at all until he ate a decent dinner (not necessarily everything on his plate).
As others have suggested, maybe you could suggest a hobby or a volunteer opportunity to your MIL. Tell her you want her to be happy and enjoy her life outside the home as well - find out what she likes to do and maybe she will be pleased that you are showing interest in her.
I'm still confused about the living arrangements based on the first line of the OP reading: "We are currently living with my mother in law due to certain circumstances."
And the last line of the OP reading: "What do we do in this situation aside from asking her to move out (which may eventually need to happen but cannot at the moment)?"
But then the OP came back to clarify that MIL is living "with them".
Is the MIL unable to provide for her own living situation? Or is the MIL contributing to the household expenses to the extent that the OP "couldn't" live without her contribution?
Sorry; not trying to sound snarky but the answer to that does figure into the dynamics a bit.
We are currently living with my mother in law due to certain circumstances. Because we both work and have a 5 year old, we thought it will work out well for everyone involved. She is fairly young and in good physical health and doesn't work. she helps with preparing breakfast and dinner for our child and picks him up from the school bus. However, conflict arose because she does not institute any discipline, allows our son to do and get whatever he wants and constantly buys him presents (daily). My husband has pointed out to her multiple times that she needs to stop buying presents all the time, putting on cartoons for him or games every time he eats and doing everything for him (putting his clothes on when we taught him to do it himself, going to the bathroom with him when he can himself, etc). But she doesn't listen.. It's like she thinks she knows what's best and will do it her way. The other night my husband asked our son to finish dinner and he refused so he wasn't allowed his usual game that night. He got upset and she ran to him and scolded my husband for punishing his own child saying he's being mean (!!) my husband told her she needs to stay out of it. At this point a lot of the effort we put into raising our son and having him be more independent has been undone and we are very frustrated. What do we do in this situation aside from asking her to move out (which may eventually need to happen but cannot at the moment)?
This reminds of one time when my mother in law stopped by unannounced to visit.
I told her "Just don't stand out there in the cold and rain, go home!"
Seriously You stop using your MIL for free babysitting. She is even cooking your meals, so free housekeeping, cooking, daycare, pick-up service? This is not fair to her at all. I hope that you are at least paying her??
I get that you want to be in control of your child's discipline, but this is a lose, lose situation imo. MIL is totally being taken advantage of. Setting boundaries in this type situation will be nearly impossible.
Might be better for you to help your MIL find a live in nanny job with another family. At least then she would be paid and get free housing.
I did not read the OP like you did at all.
Bottom line is, if the grandma is defying the parents' simple and understandable requests to not interfere when they discipline their child in their own house (OP asked for solutions other than "asking her to move out") and to not buy him DAILY gifts, then there is a respect and boundaries problem going on with the grandma. This child is not hers and while I'm sure she likes to help and has no problem doing so, she does need to heed those simple requests IMO.
I did not get the impression at all that OP is taking advantage of her husband's mother or using her for free babysitting. It sounds like MIL had to move in for some reason, and chose to, and enjoys helping with the grandkid like most anyone would, but is overstepping massively.
My grandparents watched my younger cousins for free almost every day when they were babies and toddlers because my aunt and uncle worked. They weren't like nannies and they weren't being taken advantage of; in fact they wanted to do it, they wanted to help. The only difference here is my grandparents actually disciplined my cousins and didn't act like every day was a party with grandma and grandpa.
The OP has stated more than once that *Grandma moved into their home with them because her husband abandoned her*
OP: Get after school care outside of your home and let Grandma's feelings be hurt.
Always do what is best for your child.
Also give Grandma clear concise rules regarding her interference while you and your husband are home in regards to your child and his discipline. Grandma is teaching your child that you and your husband have no authority over him because Grandma will save him from his *meanie parents*. You had better put a stop to that immediately.
If Grandma does not like the situation she can get a job and move out.
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She doesnt have any family here aside from us, no friends near by, husband abandoned her and she does not work (and doesnt want to..) so she clings to her grandson - aside form me and my husband, he is mostly her only interaction socially. And our son loves his grandma and overall we dont think shes a bad person or trying to ruin him (she does great arts and crafts with him!) but theres a clear conflict esp. when we are all home and she interrupts our parenting, etc. I mentioned to my husband that maybe she should go back to work, if even part time so she has some sort of life outside us/the home but she doesnt want to. She's fairly young (under 60) and in good health so I dont understand i but I cant force the woman..
I did not read the OP like you did at all. 
