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My wife and I have a three month old, our first. We always wanted kids and even wanted multiple children. Three months in with our newborn and I'm pretty sure we are losing our minds.
I have two grown kids in their 20s. I vividly remember feeling the exact same way when my first born was three months old. My first born seemed to me to be the loudest crying baby in the world and the slightest noise seemed to wake her up and make her scream. I kept thinking, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
The truth is: for the first three months, babies don't give parents a lot in return for the effort parents need to put into them. Add in lack of sleep on the parents' part, and the world can look very small and prison like. A lot of parents DO feel like they are losing their minds. I know I did.
But, then my daughter hit four months, and suddenly she was starting to clearly respond to my talking to her and shortly after that, she started sitting up on her own and sleeping through most nights.
Suddenly, she seemed less like a blood sucking vampire to me and more like a real PERSON.
Things got much easier after that. So much so that less than two years later, we did it all again. The first three months with my son were just as hard (maybe harder since I also had a toddler still in diapers) as the first time. Exhausting, draining, seemed like it was never going to end. But then we hit that four month period, my son and daughter started interaction (so exciting to see!) and my son started interacting more with us, and it started getting better again. But those first three months? They were hell for me AND my husband.
But, you know what? Nearly 30 years later, I would go back and do it all again in a heart beat.
Now, all that said, here are a few things that helped my husband and me (mainly me) survive those first few months:
1. Teamwork. Set up a schedule with your spouse so that both of you know when you will be "on duty" with the baby ahead of time. Sleep as much as you can during "your" time off. If your wife is a breast feeding mom, consider pumping several bottles so that you can take over without you having to wake her up, and agree with her that she will do the same for you when it is her turn.
2. Sunlight. Get out with the baby during sunlight hours as much as possible. This will help reset both your and your baby's bio clocks. Getting out of the house will also make you feel less like a prisoner. If you live in a part of the country where it is getting colder, don't let that stop you. Bundle the baby up and get out in the sun as much as you can as often as you can.
3. Babysitter. Get someone you trust to take care of the baby during the day and treat yourself to an outing doing something JUST FOR YOU. I'm not talking about a date night with your spouse. I'm talking about both of you doing something ON YOUR OWN that reminds you that you had a life of your own before and WILL have a life of your own again. If you like to shop, go shopping. If you enjoy going to museums, go to one. If you like to go to the gym, go. Make sure BOTH spouses have this time. It doesn't have to be an entire day. Even just an hour off for you both will help.
4. Enjoy the small moments. I thought my Mom was nuts when she told me when I was complaining about how stressed I was after my daughter was born that I would look back on this time someday and miss it. I wish my Mom was still alive so I could tell her she was right. Because she was. Sure, I still (nearly 30 years later) remember that bone weariness of caring for a newborn. But I also remember all the sweet times when my kids were cuddled in my arms or looking around at this big new world with their big eyes as if to say, "wow!"
5. If you are having serious trouble coping, seek help. This is a huge change in everyone's life. Some people sail through big changes. Others need a little help to adjust. There is no shame in talking with a therapist or even your baby's pediatrician about the stress you are feeling right now. It can be very helpful to talk out your feelings with a professional.
Finally, remember that what you are feeling right now is pretty normal. Most new parents feel exhausted, confused, and a little trapped at times. You are probably doing a GREAT job as a new parent, and you WILL get through this exhausting time.
My wife and I have a three month old, our first. We always wanted kids and even wanted multiple children. Three months in with our newborn and I'm pretty sure we are losing our minds. The thought of ever having a second kid now terrifies us. Before going into this (parenthood), we read a bunch of books front to back, took multiple baby classes, and got equipped with anything new parents could ever need. Nothing could prepare us for the reality of parenting a newborn. We love our child to death but sometimes we can't help but think we aren't cut out for it. I don't know how some people with 3,4,5+ children do it!
So what is the big issue? In many regards our child is pretty good. Healthy and growing like a weed. Eats very well (breastfed), doesn't mind get changed or dressed at all, loves car rides and walks, is very interactive and smiles a lot at us. The big problem is that he is a TERRIBLE sleeper, and even worse he is terrible about us trying to put him to sleep. Night time has become a living hell for us, and there is no end in sight.
We read all this stuff about how babies are supposed to sleep 12-18 hours per day.... NOT OUR BABY. We are lucky if he sleeps 10 hours in a 24 hour cycle, most times he only sleeps 6-8 hours, and it's usually broken up in short 30 minute to 2 hour sleeps. The days are not too terrible, but his napping is unpredictable. Some days he will only nap a total of 1-2 hours during the day, other times he might conk out for 3-4 hours in one nap and sleep about 4-5 hours in the day.
The problem is at night. Like clockwork, 7PM rolls around and he gets ANGRY. Colicky, fussy, just a big plain old grump. Tired as all heck, but he FIGHTS the sleep with everything he has. Usually it takes a good 1.5-2 hours to get him down the first time after constant rocking, walking around, bouncing, etc. Then he only sleeps 1-2 hours. When he wakes up, he is fed, but starts fighting the sleep all over again, requiring another 1-2 hours to get him down for another maybe 1-2 hour sleep. Diapers are clean, baby is fed and warm, he shows all the signs of being exhaustively tired but he just screams and screams and won't go to sleep at night without a world of effort which has exhausted us to no end. Sometimes we were exhausted and wanted to see what would happen if we just let him cry a bit, but it always escalates till we pick him up again. More strict cry it out training like the Ferber method isn't recommended till babies are 6 months old, so we don't let him cry too long. Even once you think you have him asleep, there is no guarantee. Any movement, such as trying to put him down or move him from spot to spot, usually wakes him up. He also sleeps very light so a cough, sneeze, or our dogs barking will usually wake him up. The cycle repeats! We've been consistent in our methods and have built some good night time associations for him, but it just isn't doing the trick. We've also used lots of aids like pacifiers, swaddling, white noise, music, etc but nothing has consistently helped. He hated swaddling, pacifiers either work great or not at all, and results from other tricks have either failed or been inconclusive...
My wife has it the worst. She's stay at home right now but has not gotten more than 3 hours at a time in the last three months. She looks like an absolute zombie and has even begun to suffer depression from the struggles of everything. I work in a very stressful job and that pretty much takes up my entire workweek. Any free time I have is taking care of the house and our pets, cooking, running errands, chores, and finishing my graduate degree. My sleep has suffered too because I wake up anytime he is up and fussing/crying. People keep saying it gets better, it gets better, but we're hitting our breaking points.
Is the poor sleep normal for newborns? What can we do to help us get through this difficult period?
I am SO sorry for you! You are right in recognizing that this is not a health problem, but a sleep problem. Is either of you a "high energy", light sleeping type of person? Sometimes this is seen in children of parents with a history of hyperactivity in childhood. But that doesn't help solve your problem.
First of all, you should see your pediatrician, to rule out any medical issue that could be causing this. Acid reflux can do it - but if that were the case, you'd see arching, crying with spitting up, extreme fussiness. Is the baby underweight? That means he isn't getting enough calories, so he is up crying because he is hungry, needs to be supplemented. Anyway, it's definitely worth a visit to be reassured that there is nothing medical going on to cause this.
You could try starting solids early. Early introduction of solids has been shown NOT to induce food allergies; in fact, early exposure to allergenic foods DECREASES the risk of an allergy to that food. The more calories he takes in during the day, and the less sleep he gets during the day, the more likely he is to sleep at night.
Try not to let him nap for long during the day. At this age, 20 minute cat naps is normal. So don't let him go for more than an hour or so during the day without disturbing him and trying to feed him.
It sounds as if he needs to be held by you in order to sleep. It is very difficult to break him of this little by little. I don't recommend the Ferber method, because you keep on going back in, which restarts the cycle of crying. He is too young for just letting him cry it out, but you guys are at your breaking point. Better he should cry, than you should all die in a car accident because you're so exhausted. If you have grandparents available to take him overnight with some pumped milk, take them up on it! But if you don't, you're going to have a car accident from sleep deprivation. So here is what I recommend:
Assuming you would like to sleep from midnight to 5 AM, feed him a ton outside of those hours. Lots of breastfeeding (and make sure he is actually getting enough out of the breast, by seeing that his weight for height is good), and lots of solids, including plenty of cereal - that's where the calories are, not so much in the fruits and veggies. Don't let him sleep a lot outside of the hours YOU want to be asleep. When you go down for the night, swaddle him up and put him in the car seat (inside, of course), strapped in. He is safe in the car seat, and they like the feeling of being held snugly by it. Put the car seat in another room, as far from you guys as possible. No monitor - the idea is that you DON'T want to hear him, so you can sleep! Let him be in there. Let him cry. He is SAFE in the car seat. He will be fine. Put on some white noise and go to sleep! Check on him when you wake up. You probably won't sleep for more than 3-4 hours, anyway. Do this every night, and he will learn to fall asleep on his own, without you rocking and holding him. I know it sounds horrible, but the reality is that if you have no other options for overnight care for him, you have to be able to get a little sleep or you are really very unsafe to drive, just as bad as if you were drunk behind the wheel.
If you and your wife are completely unable to let him cry, then split the night. Whichever of you is the early to bed, early to rise type goes to sleep early, and the other one takes the baby and leaves the house if necessary. Go to friends, go to the late night supermarket, whatever. Allow that person 5-6 hours of sleep. Then you go home with the baby, and switch off, and the other parent takes the baby and leaves the house if at all possible so that the night owl can get some sleep. If you can't leave the house, go to opposite ends of the house, and try to put on white noise in the room where the adult is trying to sleep. My husband and I did it this way. He would go to bed at 7 PM, I would stay up with the colicky baby until 1 AM, and when the kid finally fell asleep, husband would get him when baby next woke, feed him pumped milk, change, put him back down before he left for work, then I would get up the next time the baby woke. We were each able to get about 4 hours of good sleep this way.
Hang in there! It gets easier. Many babies start sleeping better at just about the age of your baby. It will improve, I promise you!
Forgot something. When my kids were new borns, their cries sounded earth-shattering to both my husband and I. My daughter in particular was a real howler and every time she started to fire up (usually around 7 or 8), my husband and I both felt our stress levels go through the roof. I couldn't believe how loud and angry a new born could be, and it seemed impossible to satisfy her.
Strange thing is that now, when I hear a new born cry, their cries don't seem all that loud to me. Even though the new parent might be telling me how their baby is the loudest screamer in the world, the noise doesn't seem that bad to me.
I mention this because I suspect that all parents are somehow biologically primed to hear their newborn's cries as being MUCH louder than they really are. Maybe part of it is that helpless feeling of not being able to ask the baby what the h*ck is wrong and how can you fix it?
So, when your baby is screaming, try putting on some of your favorite mellow music in the background while you calm the baby down. The music isn't so much for the baby as it is for you and your wife. Just to kind of dull the noise from the baby. (Just to be clear: I'm not saying put on music and IGNORE your baby, but rather put music on to help YOU try to relax as you take care of your baby.)
The reason we haven't done it yet is that our pediatrician did not like the idea of him sleeping in a separate room before 6 months, she's very by the books with the AAP (american academy pediatrics) but I personally think it would be ok... How did this work for you? Any issues?
You'll quickly learn as a parent that doctors/pediatricians and those parenting "experts" who write books will never know as much about your kid or your family as you do.
How about trying to put the baby down in a crib in his room instead of the bassinette for a nap during the day to see how it goes? Put on the baby monitor in the room (you have one right)?
That way, your wife and you can check on him during the nap to see how he's doing so you can reassure yourselves.
During that nap, one or both of you can also "practice" taking a nap in your own room without the baby there.
First rule of caregiving: you can't take care of someone else if you're not taking care of yourself first. There's a reason why airlines tell people that if the oxygen masks drop down you should put on your own mask before trying to help others with theirs.
So my answers are not popular on this subject. But it worked for us. Our son, at that age, was exactly as you describe. In the early evening, he was a crying mound of miserable. During the day, he seemed like a normal baby. He ate. We played and interacted. But at night, oh man.
You know what his problems were? Twofold. Sleep association and exhaustion. So sleep association. They (we all) get used to falling and being asleep in certain ways. If your child is used to the swing, being in the cradle will just feel weird. If they are used to going to bed at night with some activity like nursing or rocking, then when they have a partial waking, they feel weird and wake all the way up. If this goes on for a while, they get over tired which makes it even harder to go to sleep.
Only you can tell whether or not this might be a problem for your child. Take a look at him and see how cheerful he is during the day. When he is upset at night, does he look angry or gassy and puckery? Angry looking might be over tired.
This is why the first six months of being a parent are almost always the hardest. Sure, there are other challenges as the child ages, but nothing is worse than the lack of sleep during the first six months.
If possible, you could look into hiring a midwife/nanny/babysitter or taking shifts with the baby. If you are on maternity/paternity leave, it's fairly simple to handle infant care in shifts. If you're both working it's harder of course, but can still be done to a degree. I still managed to get 8 hours of sleep a night when my youngest kid was an infant thanks to these strategies. And I needed it because I need my sleep to keep my job and provide an income for my family.
This is why the first six months of being a parent are almost always the hardest. Sure, there are other challenges as the child ages, but nothing is worse than the lack of sleep during the first six months.
If possible, you could look into hiring a midwife/nanny/babysitter or taking shifts with the baby. If you are on maternity/paternity leave, it's fairly simple to handle infant care in shifts. If you're both working it's harder of course, but can still be done to a degree. I still managed to get 8 hours of sleep a night when my youngest kid was an infant thanks to these strategies. And I needed it because I need my sleep to keep my job and provide an income for my family.
Why do so many parents need help to raise their own children these days?
We never hired anyone to keep our child so we could get sleep, we took care of our own children because we chose to have those children.
My Mother took care of us on her own, my Grandmother took care of my Mother and her 3 siblings on her own, etc, etc.
OP: Pay attention to your child, set a routine in place and stick to it as closely as possible and your child should have been in their own room in their own bed the moment they came home from the hospital.
Why do so many parents need help to raise their own children these days?
We never hired anyone to keep our child so we could get sleep, we took care of our own children because we chose to have those children.
My Mother took care of us on her own, my Grandmother took care of my Mother and her 3 siblings on her own, etc, etc.
I kind of agree with this. People treat their kids as if they are made of glass. Sleep is a natural function that humans need. Take your baby, put him or her to bed and say night night. If you must, reassure them at increasing intervals (bearing in mind that it is really you that you are reassuring). Are they going to love it? No. Are they going to cry? Yes. Are they going to learn and get over it. Absolutely.
Quote:
OP: Pay attention to your child, set a routine in place and stick to it as closely as possible and your child should have been in their own room in their own bed the moment they came home from the hospital.
Bear in mind that the OP was specifically advised by the ped not to do this. Whacky but it is what it is.
Forgot something. When my kids were new borns, their cries sounded earth-shattering to both my husband and I. My daughter in particular was a real howler and every time she started to fire up (usually around 7 or 8), my husband and I both felt our stress levels go through the roof. I couldn't believe how loud and angry a new born could be, and it seemed impossible to satisfy her.
Strange thing is that now, when I hear a new born cry, their cries don't seem all that loud to me. Even though the new parent might be telling me how their baby is the loudest screamer in the world, the noise doesn't seem that bad to me.
I mention this because I suspect that all parents are somehow biologically primed to hear their newborn's cries as being MUCH louder than they really are. Maybe part of it is that helpless feeling of not being able to ask the baby what the h*ck is wrong and how can you fix it?
So, when your baby is screaming, try putting on some of your favorite mellow music in the background while you calm the baby down. The music isn't so much for the baby as it is for you and your wife. Just to kind of dull the noise from the baby. (Just to be clear: I'm not saying put on music and IGNORE your baby, but rather put music on to help YOU try to relax as you take care of your baby.)
Again, best wishes!
While I don't have the time to put up links to scientific studies, I believe that is correct.
It is similar to how a parent can immediately identify, by sound of their cry (even if they have turned away for a second), that it is their child who is crying when they fall and skin their knee on a very crowded playground.
My wife has it the worst. She's stay at home right now but has not gotten more than 3 hours at a time in the last three months. She looks like an absolute zombie and has even begun to suffer depression from the struggles of everything. I work in a very stressful job and that pretty much takes up my entire workweek. Any free time I have is taking care of the house and our pets, cooking, running errands, chores, and finishing my graduate degree. My sleep has suffered too because I wake up anytime he is up and fussing/crying. People keep saying it gets better, it gets better, but we're hitting our breaking points.
Is the poor sleep normal for newborns? What can we do to help us get through this difficult period?
All sounds very normal. Thank your lucky stars that you are all healthy. You may want to re-evaluate the desire for more.
It's been 43 years since we had our first and I STILL am dealing with them....some bad health issues, etc.
That is what parenthood is. I often think they should teach it in school...because all those "happy days" books are silly.
It is - by far - the biggest job you will ever have and the job does not end until you are dead.
You will be very lucky if you look back on this as the difficult period. More likely it's you that needs to adjust your life. Maybe the energy you spend on pets should be on your wife and child instead? Maybe you can put off that degree? What is more important?
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